This note is currently being revised in the light of new information
supplied by Lindl’s ICF paper. 24/11/1995

TELLER-ULAM CONSTRUCTION

“… it is my judgement in these things that when you see something that
is technically sweet you go ahead and do it and you argue about what to
do about it only after you have had your technical success. That is the
way it was with the atomic bomb. I do not think anyone opposed making it;
there were some debates about what to do with it after it was made.”

Robert J. Oppenheimer
on the H-bomb

“Don’t bother me with your conscientious scruples. After all, the thing’s
superb physics.”

Enrico Fermi on the H-bomb

The basic problem of the H-bomb is to use the energy and particles
released in a fission device to firstly compress and secondly heat
a mass of fusion fuel. Fusion can only occur under temperatures,
pressures, and densities at, or exceeding, those found at the centre
of the sun. The latter is the case for a H-bomb since the reactions
in the bomb occur on a much shorter scale than those in the sun.

You have to have extremely fast moving nuclei to overcome
electrostatic repulsion of the positive proton charges. You need
about 1 trillion atmospheres (8,000,000,000 tonnes/square inch) or
about 1 million megabars. This leads to extremely densely packed
atoms and molecules, which increases the likelihood and frequency
(rate) of collisions. High compactification of fissile material
also reduces the mean free path of fast neutrons. To achieve these
goals, you have to configure the secondary just right. The Teller-
Ulam multistage configuration does precisely this. It is thought
that three main concepts are involved in this design.

You should think of a H-bomb as a multistage engine, with 3 explosive
stages. Since the explosions occur so quickly, it seems like only
one flash occurs, whereas 3 actually do. These correspond to the
initial fission of the primary, the fusion of the secondary, and the
fission of the casing or fusion tamper. In the case of a neutron
bomb, the casing may be made out of a non-fissionable material like
lead, so you would only get two explosions.

Separation of Stages

Much detail as to what goes in inside a H-bomb was gained in 1954
during the Ivy Mike fallout. By a careful analysis of the fallout
products, you could work out roughly where the energy came from.
In particular, you looked at the ratio of higher Z radioisotopes in
the fallout. You tried to find evidence as to whether these products
had been exposed to unusually high neutron fluxes. Compression of
the U-235 sparkplug in the secondary would increase the probability of
multiple neutron exposure. Hence the formation of elements like
transuranic Einsteinium and Fermium, which were first detected in the
Ivy Mike fallout. See the references for evidence of massive Li6D compression
and multiple neutron exposure.

The British designed their first H-bomb after examining American supplied
Russian fallout from the Joe-4 test.

Around 50% of the H-bomb energy comes from fusion. The other 50% is
from fission of the U-238 fusion capsule tamper or weapons casing.
The fusion-boosted implosion core just serves as a trigger, and gives
at most a few hundred kT of energy. Ted Taylor has done calculations
showing it is possible to get into the megaton range for extremely
efficient fusion-boosted imploders. Tritium gas is injected into the
core during implosion to achieve boosting.

For a given volume of Pu or U, you would find an equivalent volume of
Li6D to be 25 times less massive, due to differing densities. If you
fused this amount of Li6D, you would get 3 times as much energy as
you would fissioning the equivalent amount of Pu or U, taking into
account the energy released per reaction. Note that although a single
fission releases more energy than a single fusion event, the fission
releases the binding energy of 235 nucleons, whereas the fusion does
the same for five or six nucleons. If you had 235/6 = 40 fusions, you
would release more energy overall than fission of 235 nucleons. In a H-bomb
it follows you need about 10x the volume of Li6D than Pu or U, to
achieve a 50% energy release ratio. In other words, H-bombs have
a small mass of U or Pu, and a much larger mass of Li6D. In a reaction,
100% of the material never fuses. With experience, 10% is an outstanding
result. For a beginner, 1% is a good start.

The Failed Classical Super Design

Historically, the first theoretical designs for a H-bomb began with the
classical Super. This was a boosted trigger surrounded by a mass of fusion
fuel. When the trigger went off, the heat and shockwave were supposed to
set off an outwardly propagating thermonuclear reaction in the fusion
material. This didn’t work. Calculations by Ulam and von Neumann showed
that temperatures and pressures weren’t high enough to sustain such a
reaction. It would ‘fizzle’. The design was based on what happens in a
supernova. Here, when material collapses into a neutron star, there is
an amount of ‘bouncing’ off the core. When the material is reflected, a
chain thermonuclear fusion reaction is set off, releasing a good percentage
of that ever fused by the star over its lifetime.

A new idea was called for. This is where Teller, Ulam, and de Hoffmann came
in. Rough calculations showed that sustained fusion could occur if the Li6D
mass was separated from the trigger, possibly in the form of a concentric
cylinder, surrounding a U-235 sparkplug, and surrounded itself by a U-238
pusher. An ablation layer made up of a low-Z hydride surrounds this pusher.
It is possible that primary and secondary are at two foci of an ellipsoid.

The main unknowns to the public are currently the design of the casing,
and the shape and size of the secondary, relative to the primary.

Compression

The problem then is to transfer the energy from the implosion to
this Li6D cylinder, firstly compressing it, and then heating it.
Compression must precede heating since hot materials tend to expand
more than cold ones. This energy transfer is the crucial idea in
a H-bomb. You must compress the Li6D in under a shake, or else the
expanding bomb debris will take everything apart before fusion has
substantially gone underway.

The Greenhouse George test showed that a small quantity of D-T could
be ignited by a fission device.

Radiation Coupled Implosion

Ed Teller has stated that the transfer of energy from the primary to
the secondary is primarily via radiation in the form of soft X-rays,
which travel at light speed. X-rays released by the trigger travel across
the air gap separating the casing from the trigger, and strike the
heavy (high-Z) bomb casing. Radiation pressure generated by the X-rays
is decoupled from the fluid pressure of the fission fragments, which travel
much more slowly.

We can learn a lot from Teller’s statement. Mechanical (fluid) pressure isn’t
the transfer mechanism. Nor are hard (MeV) X-rays straight from nuclear
reactions. Indeed, soft X-rays come from the ionization of a reasonably high-Z
material. The only place this high-Z material could be is the bomb casing,
which is responsible for most of the bomb’s weight.

It is possible that a blackbody radiation mechanism is responsible
for the tamper implosion.

For a few millionths of a second, the insides of the bomb become like
a blackbody. Since the casing is so massive compared to the rest of
the components (including the secondary), it expands relatively
slowly. During the time the vaporised casing expands, a phenomenon known as
X-ray fluorescence causes the casing ions to generates secondary X-rays.
Since the casing atoms have been ionised, when the sea of electrons fall back
into their shells, a uniform emission of secondary soft X-rays is released.
If the casing is machined just right, it is possible to direct these
onto the secondary fuel mass from all directions, leading to a very even
compression. The X-rays act as a photon gas, which equilibriates at light
speed, much more quickly than a material gas made up of fission particles
would (this would equilibriates at the speed of sound). The problem of
the H-bomb is the calculation of the hydrodynamics, not the nuclear physics.

It doesn’t have to be soft X-rays which cause the fluorescence. Anything with
enough kinetic energy will do the job – fission fragments or neutrons can do
it. All that needs to be done is to ionise the casing atoms.

What happens is that the secondary X-rays deposit their energy onto the
ablation layer almost instantaneously and uniformly from all sides. The
result is instantaneous heating. The surface layer of the fusion target
is vaporised, forming a surrounding plasma envelope. The layer undergoes
a blowoff with great force. This causes the inner part of the wrapper
to compress (Newton’s 3rd law) due to rocket recoil. This tamper pushes against
the secondary Li6D fuel mass, and the mass is compressed to a fraction
of its original width. If there is an air gap (levitation) between tamper
and fuel, the tamper can develop more momentum to do the job. This is what
happens in the levitated cores of fission triggers.

Since the ablator is composed of low-Z, light material, the blowoff will
put a lot of energy into the expanding plasma. This prevents preheating of
the Li6D fusion fuel before adequate compression is achieved, while still
allowing for inward momentum coupling. In other words, the impulse is high.

By this time, the neutrons from the fission will have reached the sparkplug.
The fissioning sparkplug ignites the Li6D annular cylinder from the inside,
while compression occurs on the outside. Burning starts from the inner
edge of the Li6D and, in under 1 ns, a large fraction of the Li6D is ignited.
The core reaches 1000-10,000x the original density, igniting at 100 million
degrees C.

The high energy neutrons (> 1 MeV) released by fusion radiate out and
strike the U-238 atoms of the pusher and expanding casing, causing more
fission.

The casing acts as a heavy gas, whose inertia slows the expansion of the
explosion. However, it plays no part in confinement of the fusion fuel. The
compression caused by the imploding tamper does that job. The interatomic
forces between the casing atoms are negligible.

The bomb tamper is crucial in confining the reactions until they develop
appreciably.

To direct energy onto the secondary, you need firstly to
interact with the casing. All this happens in under 10 shakes.

In ICF, a typical fusion sphere consists of layers of: (1) Be or LiH ablator,
(2) a high Z polymer shield, (3) the main Li6D fuel, (4) the U-238 pusher,
(5) a void, and (6) a Li6D ignitor.

Note that it’s not the fission trigger X-rays which cause the blowoff,
but the secondary X-rays due to the X-ray fluorescence of the high-Z
heavy bomb casing. The casing acts like a hohlraum target. Nothing is
reflected as such. Unlike visible light, which is coupled to optical
bandstates on the surface of metals, X-rays are absorbed due to their
much higher energy.

The X-rays come mainly from the L->K and M->K shell transitions as the
electrons drop down into the K shell vacancy, and hence lose energy.

Another possibility for an X-ray source is bremmstrahlung from deccelerating
electrons in the ionised plasma.

Eventually, the X-rays manage to diffuse through the expanding bomb casing,
and are released in a huge flux. This causes the initial light burst of a
nuclear explosion, and is responsible for immediate deaths. Considering this
light is 1000x brighter than the sun, this is no surprise! The temperature
soars to over 1000 deg C in microseconds.

The mechanism of a H-bomb bears an uncanny relation to indirect drive
ICF. Implosions driven by this method are relatively insensitive to the
nature of the primary beams (they could be lasers or ions just as well).
They are also hydrodynamically more stable. This is important, since the
fusion fuel mass must be compressed symmetrically and evenly.

X-ray – Plasma Interactions

This method tends to produce a large volume of target plasma through which
the X-rays must propagate, however. Although it would be more efficient if
the plasma were transparent to this radiation, it is not absolutely
necessary. A diffuse photon gas due to absorption, scattering, and re-
emission by the target plasma will do.

A number of physical effects must be considered. These include:

Absorption:

– X-ray absorption by target
– inverse bremsstrahlung (generates collisional low temp
electrons)
– parametric instabilities (bremsstrahlung induced
collisionless hot electrons)
– resonance absorption (collisionless hot electrons)

Hot electrons lead to target expansion, which is not good for compression,
for it takes more energy to compress a hot gas than a cold one.

Other undesirable effects include:

– stimulated Brillouin scattering
– stimulated Raman scattering

These also generate preheat and hot electrons in the target.

We also need to look at:

– thermal conduction (energy absorbed in a critical layer can be
inihibited from flowing into the ablation region)

Conversion Efficiences

For planar hohlraums, about 70-80% of the incident energy can be
converted into X-rays. You get better target coupling at short wavelengths.

Other Forms of Compression

Instead of radiation, could it be a material shockwave which does
the compression? Or a combination of both? It is known that at the
centre of the earth, iron is compressed to 30% its volume, subject to
about 5 Mbars. So we are way beyond the non-compressible regime, into
nonlinear effects. In fact, Ulam proposed using shock waves, but this
would have resulted in less even compression. Compression of the fusion
fuel can get as high as 1000x solid density, at 100 million degrees C.

Ulam is said to have come up with the solution to the energy transfer
problem when he was looking at ways to improve the efficiency of the
trigger. The joint Teller-Ulam paper talked about “hydrodynamic lenses
and radiation mirrors”. Could there be some sort of lensing or baffle
system inside the hohlraum, which focusses radiation onto the Li6D via the
casing? I find this highly unlikely. Note that the shorter the wavelength,
the less refracted light gets. It is very hard to bend X-rays, let alone
gamma rays. Also, wouldn’t the lens system vaporise before enough radiation
was focussed? “Hydrodynamic lenses” is reminiscent of the shaped charges
used in achieving a spherical shockwave in the trigger implosion.

Possible focussing systems include hohlraums shaped like ellipsoids, or
parabaloids with the primary at the focus. It is very difficult to shape
the secondary like a cylinder, and get a compression wave travelling just
before fast neutrons from the sparkplug cause fission – although not
impossible. Another problem with the cylindrical shape is that compressing
from the sides is like squeezing a tube of toothpaste. If the compression
is not fast enough, the material will squirt out the ends.

Laser fusion using X-rays to compress pellets of D-T fuel is used in
Livermore’s NOVA. Ten pulsed lasers give a temperature of about 10^8 K, and
increase particle density by a factor of 10^3. Each pellet is smaller than
a grain of sand, and absorbs about 200kJ of energy in < 1 ns. Delivered
power is about 2 x 10^14 W, about 100 times the entire world's electric
power generating capacity. This is a peaceful example of inertial confinement
fusion.

Neutrons Causing Compression?

Neutrons expand out at a slightly greater rate as the fission fragments.
Can they compress the Li6D in time, before the fragments tear everything
apart? A shockwave is just a longitudinal compression of the propagation
medium. Energy is transferred in collisions between the atoms or molecules.

If this worked (a classical super design), then the most efficient
way to capture these fission neutrons would be to surround a fission
bomb with fusion fuel, and hope to cause an outward propagating shock wave.
If you didn't surround it, then you'd be wasting lots of neutrons.
The fact that H-bombs don't look like this (big, fat, and round) is evidence
against he idea.

Other Theories

From: merlin

The basic idea is the primary is detonated — neutrons escape in all
directions — the secondary could be a hollowed out sphere of U-238
with a Li6D core — though usually the secondary is elongated to hold
more Li6D. The neutrons convert Li6D to TD. They also cause fast
fissions in the U-238 wrapper around the Li6D — these fast fissions
release an enormous amount of energy — the energy causes the U-238
to expand (about 2/3 of energy causes expansion outward from center
of the sphere — but about 1/3 of energy goes into inward compression
— thereby compressing the TD core) — the shock compression and
heating of the TD core reaches thermonuclear temperature and pressure
— then a recursive reaction begins — fast neutrons from the TD core
cause fast fissions in the U-238 wrapper — fast fissions in the U-238
wrapper cause additional shock compression and heating of the core —
if optimum fusion temperature or pressure are exceeded the fusion
reaction slows down, fewer neutrons are produced, fewer fast fissions
occur, the U-238 wrapper releases some pressure — until optimum
fusion temp and pressure is reached again and the recursive reaction
stabilizes (at least until you run out of TD to burn). This is why
in the traditional hydrogen bomb about half of the yield is fusion
and half of the yield is fission — the energy has to be balanced in
order to hold the device together long enough to burn as much of the
TD fuel as possible. In the neutron bomb you get more waste tritium
because most of the U-238 mantle has been stripped away — and the
device disassembles faster — with much lower explosive yield.

The following diagram is adapted from Matt Kennel’s :

——————————————————-
/ | |
/ oooooo |===========fusion fuel========================
| oa-bombo –fission spark plug—————————
oooooo |==============================================
| |
——————————————————-

implosion repetition of fusion cells clad in U-238 tampers
primary

1994

0

AN INTERVIEW WITH ABBIE HOFFMAN

I first met Abbie at URI campus.

He was not stoned. Surprising
thinking he’d just finished
plugging his new book, “Steal This
Urine Test”.

He was lecturing about the
upcoming Student Convention at
Rutgers this February. The crowd
was — I dunno, about 600 people.
They expected over a thousand, but
no one showed up cause it was a
Thursday nite and you know how that
goes at college. The kegs start
about 4pm thursday and go til
sunday morning around 1am.
Anyways, those who gave up the
keggin for a day got to see quite
the riot. He was cussin and rantin
and ravin about how much Raygun
Reagan’s gonna fuck things up on
his way out. You know, make a
parking lot out of Iran, spend all
our money, fuck fawn hall, etc,
etc.
I asked him if the newspapers had
the right to say we’re at war right
now, and he said, “if you call
10,000 guatemalan Indians dying
every month by american bullets a
war, go for it.”
Abbie’s tryin to get a bunch of
us college aged people down to
Rutgers University this february
and we’re all gonna lock ourselves
in this building for three days and
rewrite the U.S.
constitution.
Then we’re gonna get this
highschool girl to stand up in the
Middle of the presidential debates
next year and demand that if the US
doesnt vote on the new Constitution
before we vote for a new president,
40,000 fuckin teenagers are gonna
blow up every large city in the US
in the next three weeks.
Well, ok, not that harsh, but
they’re gonna stand up and take
notice when a bunch of “heads” have
the brains to all of a sudden do
something just as politically
radical; get involved!!! So,
anyways, Abbie takes me and a
couple kids to this bar in
Wakefield and gets us cocked. Then
we ask him questions and he ignores
us and watches the Chicago Bears
get the shit kicked out of them on
a 19inch tv.
After the game we talk politics
again. We ask him who he’s
following for the 88 election, and
he tells us “who the fuck cares.”
“Politics is every day, man,”
Abbie says. “Not just who’s gonna
win in four years, or who should be
town counselor. Politics is your
roomates, your friends, your stupid
teachers that have no clue.”
“Well how the hell do we get the
rest of America involved.”
“It’s not a thing of the rest of
em. The average person in amerika
could give a shit about this.
They’re busy working at the
shipbuilding plant, coming home and
watching Three’s Company, beating
their wife, and kicking their
dog.
Abbie’s a radical fuckin dude,
that’s all I have to say. He’s the
first person I’ve met who isn’t
afraid to tell a cop he’s a pig
right to his face.
You know, the only person alive
with the balls to walk into the
Philadelphia Utilities company and
say,
“you charge too much fuckin
money. Rip up the wiring to my
house, I’m buildin a fuckin
windmill.”
HE DID.
the end, julie. all right?

OK, I was at a Dunkin Donuts and
I wrote that part right from my
head. Here’s some exact quotes from
my notes which I didnt have with me
at the time.

HOW CAN OUR YOUTH GET SOME
IMMEDIATE RESULTS IN AN AMERICA
WHERE KIDS ARE APATHETIC? THEY
THINK THERE’S NOTHING THEY CAN DO
IN THE POLITICAL PROCESS.

Rutgers. Rutgers is where you have
to go. Right now there are about
3,000 students around calling
themselves activists.
I know, because I see more
activists than anybody in the
country. My own kids are activists,
I see them all the time.
BUT WHAT ABOUT SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO
GET MORE INVOLVED THAN FOR ONE
EVENT; ONCE A YEAR SAY, OR EVERY 4
YEARS.

Politics is not something you go to
the booth and pull the party lever
for. It’s something you do every
day.
HOW CAN A BUDDING JOURNALIST HELP
THE YOUTH SEE THAT.
Listen, you’ve gotta get people
thinking that politics is a way of
life. The way they act all the
time. Then you’ve gotta get em
thinkin, “forget about the
president; let’s talk about the
city council…
HOW DO YOU GET THE GENERAL PUBLIC
MORE AWARE.
The general public is not involved.
The General Public doesnt make
change.
First thing you do is knock out
of your vocabulary and mind, the
idea of nobody and everybody.
Because you’re not taking gallup
polls all the time. You’re talking
to your roomate, your friends.
For social change, you need that’s all.
HOW DO I PREPARE FOR RUTGERS
The philadelphia electric company
is upset with me because I’m not
just blowin windmills. They know
I’m one fuck of an organizer. And
I’m willing to risk everything.
That’s the mentality you gotta
develop. Not who you gonna vote
for. You’ve gotta say, how do we
get block booking now or how do we
get the cars together, what points
are we gonna raise, are we just
gonna go there to bullshit to argue
that local organizing’s more
important or we need a black woman
lesbian leader the first time who’s
against a vegitarian cabbage kid
supporting arms struggle; is that
what you’re gonna do? Stay home!!!
If you’re gonna go to really
wrestle with the problems of
decision making, of leadership,
with some idea of politics and how
it works, a give and take, a
compromise, then you go to Rutgers
and build the organization. You
will change how the world looks at
young people in America. And you’ll
change history.
DO YOU THINK THE PRESS SHOULD BE
ALLOWED TO SAY WE’RE AT WAR RIGHT
NOW?
Think about 1 million Indians in
Guatemala killed or driven out of
their homes; are we at war?
DO YOU THINK CENSORSHIP IS OK.
I do think at times of war, the
reality overcomes some of your
ideals; but write away.

p a p
/ / /
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
/ / /
d e d

Downloaded from P-80 Systems……

0

From: dino@euclid.colorado.edu (dino)
Newsgroups: alt.folklore.urban
Subject: The Tacoma Narrows
Date: 28 Mar 1995 01:34:40 GMT
Organization: University of Colorado, Boulder
Lines: 200
Message-ID:
References:
NNTP-Posting-Host: euclid.colorado.edu

Collapsing bridges seem popular on AFU these days. We have…

branden@hillres22.cc.purdue.edu (Crash) writes:
>Queenie (JSM158@psuvm.psu.edu) wrote:

>: everything has a characteristic frequency at which it vibrates. When
>: sound waves at that frequency are directed at the object, the waves
>: merge with the vibrations of the object, intensifying them until the
>: object is ripped apart – the principle used by singers to shatter

>Yep, that’s the 1940 Tacoma Narrows Bridge collapse in Washington state.
>Standard fare for freshman-year mechanics courses at reputable science and
>engineering-oriented colleges and universities. And your description is
>pretty acuurate regarding the phenomena involved.

—

No it isn’t. But I had wanted to knock this one off for a long time, and
you gave me the opportunity, so don’t feel like I am flaming you.

The following is abstracted from an article in _The American Journal of
Physics_, 59 (2), February 1991, pp 118 — 124; the title of the article is:

Resonance, Tacoma Narrows bridge failure, and undergraduate physics
textbooks

From the article’s abstract (*’s frame things in italics, all pytos mine):

The Tacoma Narrows bridge disaster of 1940 is still very much in the public
eye today. Notably, in many undergraduate physics texts the disaster is
presented as an example of *forced resonance* of a mechanical oscillator,
with the wind providing an external periodic frequency that matched the
natural structural frequency. This oversimplified explanation has existed
in numerous texts for a long time and continues this day, with even more
detailed presentations in some new and updated texts. Engineers on the other
hand, have studied the phenomenon over the past half-century, and their
current understanding differs fundamentally from the viewpoint expressed
in most physics texts. In the present article the engineers viewpoint is
expressed to the physics community … substantial disagreement exists.
… one misleading identification of forced resonance arises from the
notion that the periodic natural vortex shedding of wind over the structure
was the source of the damaging external excitation. It is then demostrated
that the ultimate failure of the bridge was in fact related to an
aerodynamically induced condition of *self excitation* or “negative damping”
in a torsional degree of freedom. The aeroelastic phenomenon involved was
an *interactive* one in which developed wind forces were strongly linked
to structural motion. This paper emphasizes … physically as well as
mathematically, *forced resonance* and *self-excitation* [my note: no
masturbation follow-ups, please] are fundamentally different phenomena.
The article closes with a quantitative assesment of the Tacoma Narrows
phenomenon that is in full agreement with the documented action of the
bridge itself in its final moments and a full, dynamically scaled model
of it studied in the 1950s.

(end of abstract)

Some comments from the article:

… Its failure on November 7, 1940 attracted wide attention at the time
and has elicited recurring references ever since, notably in undergraduate
physics textbooks. … The main issues in this instance are: What was the
exact nature of the wind-driven occurrences at Tacoma Narrows, and can they
be considered correctly to be cases of resonance?

These invoke inferences about the Tacoma Narrows episode that differ
from present engineering understanding of the failure. However, we also
point out below, areas of at least partial agreement. Our aim is to set the
record a bit straighter than it now appears to be — at least as popularly
understood.

II. TEXTBOOK ACCOUNT

Typically, *resonance* is first presented qualitatively along these lines:

In general, whenever a system capable of oscillation is acted upon by
a periodic series of impulses have frequency equal to one of the natural
requencies of the system, the system is set into oscillations of
relatively large magnitude.

The article further comments on why the TN bridge episode was described as
resonance, commenting on popular accounts in physics textbooks, in which
the central span of the bridge resonated (now assumed) until said resonance
became so great that it collapsed, and how the wind blowing over the surface
and support cables of the TN bridge generated very large wave disturbances
that destroyed the unfortunate bridge.

The article continues:

The final, catastrophic event at Tacoma Narrows did, in fact, fit part of
the above qualitative defintition of resonance — as we shall discuss —
*if* the more penetrating question of where the “periodic series of
impulses” came from is temporarily set aside, for it was indeed a single
torsional mode of the bridge that wa driven to destructive amplitude by the
wind, as will be discussed at a later point.

The article further comments that after this is told to physics students,
an explanation follows, to effect,

“The wind produced a fluctuating resultant froce in resonance with a
natural frequency of the structure. This caused a steady increase in
amplitude until the bridge was destroyed.”

The article basically says that this is BS and too simple minded, that
physics texts are vague about “just what the exciting force was” and this
resulted in the necessary periodicity. Texts will say it was due to “gale
winds,” or “gusts of wind,” et cetera. However, such do not have well-defined
periodicity. Further:

Seeking such periodicity must lead to closer investigation of the
aerodynamics of bluff bodies … The so-called *periodic vortex shedding”
effect is a first, very tempting, candidate to which to attribute the
necessary periodicity.

Bluff bodies (such as bridge decks) in fluid streams do in fact shed
periodic vortex wakes, tripped off by body shape and viscosity, …
which oscillate in consequence. … Unfortunately, this explanation is
incorrect. We now know that this is *not* what occurred at Tacoma Narrows.

The article follows with a section on “Vortex-Induced Vibration,” which
deals with bluff (non-streamlined) bodies with flow over them and how said
flow doesn’t follow the contours of the body, breaking away at some points.
In short, the article discards this as a cause of the TN’s collapse, saying:

It has been now long since demonstarted that from the standpoint of
phenomenology, even such vortex-induced oscillations do not constitute a
case of simple resonance. … Vortex-induced vibration is clearly not a
linear resonance even if the structure itself has linear properties, since
the exciting force amplitude *F* is a nonlinear function of the system
response.

IV. THE DESTRUCTIVE MECHANISM AT THE TACOMA NARROWS

… took place under a wholly different — and catastrophic — set of
circumstances. The wind speed at the time… was 42 mph, and the frequency
he observed for the final destructive oscillation was 12c/m or 0.2 Hz. At
42 mph, the natural frequency of vortex shedding … be close to 1 Hz,
wholly *out of sync* with the actual… It can be concluded that natural
vortex shedding was *not* the cause of the collapse. This rules out one type
of periodic exciting force implied by a few of our references.

(comments on how engineers want to design bridges that won’t collapse in the
wind deleted)

The article further comments on how the destruction was duplicated in a scale
model bridge built by one Scruton. The physics starts to get involved, and
they conclude that the collapse was due to “single-degree-of-freedom torsional
flutter” due to “complex, separated flow.” In short, the article does conclude:

… if we now identify the source of the periodic impulses as *self-induced*,
the wind supplying the power, and the motion supplying the power-tapping
mechanism. If one wishes to argue, however, that it was a case of
*externally forced linear resonance*, the mathematical distinction between
Eqs. (1) and (3) is quite clear, self-exciting [my note: again, no follow-ups
about masturbation] systems differing strongly from ordinary linear
resonant ones. The texts that we have consulted have not gone this far in
explanation.

It also comments:

We note that numerous instructional texts in mathematics [68-76] allude
to the Tacoma Narrows incident, and most of these, too, could be made
more precise and insightful in the light of the current analysis of the
problem.

They even have some borderline UL-related comments in Closing Remarks:

The Tacoma Narrows incident will remain a celebrated example because of
its spectacular nature and the freak recording of this disaster by
witnessing photographers. The sensational photographs have made it into
an irresistable pedagogical example — and indeed, much is to be learned
from it. Because it lodges itself so in the memory, it is doubly important
for educators to draw correct lessons from this classic and sensational
event. While it is understandable how so many textbooks have, over the
years, oversimplified the physics involved, it is probably time — given
the advanced state of the knowledge — to offer the next generation
of subtler, more complex, and *correct* explanations.

OK, I am a math geek, not a physics geek, and glossed over most of the
physics myself. However… we may conclude (and a search of the FAQ and
cathouse revealed nothing):

F. The Tacoma Narrows bridge collapsed due to simple resonance.

T. It wasn’t so simple.

dino “will destroy bridges for food” m.

0

SYSOP.DOC (Citadel-86 version)

Citadel can be thought of as having 3 levels to it: the Peon level (normal
users), the Aide level (people with special privileges), and the SysOp level.
They are differentiated, of course, by what they can do to a Citadel system.

What normal users can do is decided by the SysOp’s policy decisions in
CTDLCNFG.SYS.

Aides have 4 commands available to them that is not available to the normal
users. These are accessed thru the command “.Aide “, and they are:

elete empty rooms
dit current room
nsert pulled message
ill current room

These are detailed in AIDE.HLP. Details on how to make a normal user into an
aide and vice versa are below. Aide functions may be used from either a remote
location or from the system console.

The SysOp(s)’ functions differ from the Aide functions in that they may be usedONLY from the System Console, and in that the SysOp does NOT have to be logged
in if s/he does not wish to be to perform these special functions. In fact,
somebody else can be logged in.

To perform SysOp functions, first ensure that Citadel is in CONSOLE mode. If
you are in MODEM mode, hit the ESC. If somebody is on from remote,
interrupt him/her only at the room prompts. Once in CONSOLE mode, push a
CTRL L (control key and L key simultaneously); Citadel should then print
‘privileged cmd: ‘ or somesuch. You now have access to SysOp special functions.
With the exception of et date below, none of these are accessible to the
Aides or anyone else.

Privileged sysop functions:

bort to main menu
hat enable/suppress switch
ebug switch
ill account
ODEM mode
etwork stuff

rivilege switch (aide)
et date
isible mode switch
eit to MS-DOS
Privileged Aide functions:

Pushing bort is one of 3 ways out of the SysOp command menu. Abort
puts you back into -CONSOLE- mode.

The hat switch is a toggle switch that will either tell users that you
are not around, or will ring the Console’s bell to call you.

The ebug switch is for use when debugging Citadel. It’s of no use for
normal Citadel installations.

To destroy a person’s account on a Citadel system, use the ill Account
switch. You will be asked to specify a name; if Citadel finds a user by that
name, then it’ll ask for confirmation.

odem mode is the second way to exit the SysOp command menu. It leaves
Citadel in -MODEM- mode.

etwork stuff pertains to the network. See NETWORK.DOC for details on
usage of commands, NETHACK.DOC for technical details.

The

rivilege switch is how you assign and take away Aide privileges from
people. Citadel, when this option is selected, will ask for a name. If it
finds who you specify, it will print out what toggling this person’s aide
switch will do, and then ask you to confirm if that’s what you want to do
with that person.

et date allows you to set the date and time. This data will be used to
set the MS-DOS clock.

The isible is another debug switch, not used by normal Citadel
installations.

eit is the 3rd and last way to exit the SysOp cmd menu. This folds Citadel
up and returns you to MS-DOS.

D0X]

0

Von: Michael Marsden Michael.Marsden%newcastle.ac.uk @ SUB (Mo, 08.07.91 07:12)

– aus alt.auicide.holiday (Usenet) –

SUICIDE – Methods

1. HANGING
2 methods
1. asphyxiation (dangle on end of rope for 10 minutes)
Time: 5 to 10 minutes
Available: Rope, solid support 10 foot above ground
Certainty: Fairly certain (discovery, rope/support snapping)
Notes: Brain damage likely if rescued. Very painful depending on
rope. Most common EFFECTIVE form of suicide. See later
“Asphyxiation” section. Someone did this about 10 meters
from where I was sleeping once. Worked perfectly.

2. breaking neck
Time: Should be instant if it does break. See previous if not
Available: Rope, solid support, 10 foot space below, several above
Certainty: Very certain if the rope/support doesn’t break
Notes: Minimal danger of discovery (depends on location). Painless
if you drop far enough (8 foot is optimum). Make sure that
the rope is tied securely to something STRONG!! It has to
support your weight MULTIPLIED by the force of the drop
(in g). Use a hangman’s knot (with the knot at the back of
your neck).

2. POISON
Availability of effective poisons restricted.
Normally painless, but depends on drug.
Large danger of discovery because slow.
Available compounds dangerous, have side effect if survived.
Fairly common, usually ineffective (depends on drug, dose and luck).
Takes from 10 seconds to fortnight or more.
In general, you need to stay away from medical help until you actually die,
but there are exceptions to this (that have been pointed out in the text).
Common drugs:

Cyanide (HCN?)
Dosage: 50 mg Hydrogen Cyanide gas, 200-300 mg Cyanide salts
Time: seconds for HC, minutes Cs (empty stomach) hours (full s)
Available: very difficult to get hold of
Certainty: very certain
Notes: It helps to have an empty stomach (since the salts react
with the stomach acids to form H.C.). A full stomach can
delay death for up to four hours with the salts. Antidotes
to cyanide poisoning exist, but they have serious side
effects (they precipitate cyanide and similarly shaped
molecules from the blood stream. This frequently blocks
blood supply into toes, ears… so you could lose
one or two if you are “rescued”). What you can do, is
instead of taking the salts directly, drop 500mg or so
into a strong acid, and inhale the fumes. This will be
pure Hydrogen Cyanide, and you should die in 10 to 20
seconds.
The following is something I saw on the net:
“Hydrocyanic acid is one of the most poisonous substances
known; the inhalation of its fumes in high concentration
will cause almost immediate death. Hydrogen cyanide acts
by preventing the normal process of tissue oxidation
and paralyzing the respiratory center in the brain. Most
of the accidental cases are due to inhaling the fumes
during a fumigating process. In the pure state it kills
with great rapidity. Crystalline cyanides, such as
potassium or sodium cyanide are equally poisonous, since
they interact with the hydrochloric acid in the stomach
to liberate hydrocyanic acid. This poison has been used
for both homicide and suicide; in recent history, a
number of European Political figures carried vials of
cyanide salt for emergency self-destruction aand some
used them. Death resulted from amounts of only a
fraction of a gram. A concentration of 1 part in 500 of
hydrogen cyanide gas is fatal. Allowable working concen-
tration in most of the United States is 20 ppm. Two and
one-half grains of liquid acid has killed. The acid acts
fatally in about 15 minutes. The cyanide salts kill in
several hours. The average dose of the solution is 0.1 cc.
Since this is an extremely rapid poison, rapid action is
necessary. Occasionally the victim may make a few voluntary
actions before death results or alarming symptoms set in.
Death results from paralysis of the respiration. When a
smaller dose is taken the symptoms are diziness, headache,
and shortness of breath followed by convulsions, coma,
and collapse.
If amyl nitrate is available, have the victim inhale it
immediately for 20 seconds. Have the victim swallow 2
tablespoonfuls of hydrogen peroxide. Have the victim
inhale ammonia. Administer oxygen.”
[ed – cure sounds pretty bad.. drink bleach?? yuk]

Aspirin (acetylsalicylic acid?)
Dosage: 20-30+ grammes (too many cause vomitting)
Time: hours to days, variable
Available: easy to get hold of (get soluble ones, & dissolve them)
Certainty: unreliable
Notes: Not recommended, fatal dose varies wildly, could cause
liver & kidney damage instead of death. OD causes strange
noises in your ears (like a video arcade) & projectile
vomiting after about 10 hours. Medical help generally
effective, so stay out of hospital for a couple of days.
May cause bleeding in your stomach/upper intestines.
Take with sodium bicarbinate (eg, bicarb. of soda), which
speeds up the absorbtion (sp?) significantly.

Paracetamol (aka acet[a|yl]minopren / tylenol)
Dosage: 15+ grammes, 20+ is better
Time: 10 hours fatal damage, but 2 weeks to actually die
Available: easy to get hold of
Certainty: fairly reliable
Notes: Once 10-12 hours is up, you’ve had it, but you still live
for a week or two after that. Probably better to wait 15
hours just to make sure. Horrible side effects
during this time (some of which are: acute toxic hepatitis,
renal failure, cerebral oedema, intra-abdominal bleeding,
aspiration pneumonia, haemophilia). Too small dose causes
severe liver damage. Accidental deaths are very common.

Sleeping tablets (don’t know what kinds)
Dosage: 50+???
Time: unconsious in minutes, coma for hours or day,
death day or two. May survive coma.
Available: needs to be prescribed (in UK at any rate)
Certainty: semi-reliable, need to get dosage right
very reliable with plastic bag and rubber band
Notes: I don’t have enough information about these. Combine
with an airtight plastic bag, and a rubber band to
get a very effective method. Also combine with half a
bottle of whisky, it helps.
May be quicker if you open up the capsules, and dissolve
the contents in water. May also mean that you won’t puke
and lose the drug.
One of the teachers at my old school used barbiturates &
alcohol, they found her body in the morning.

Alcohol (spirits preferably, your choice)
Dosage: 1/2 litre vodka?, similar. Varies from person to person.
Time: about 8 hours
Available: good
Certainty: unreliable
Notes: will cause liver and kidney damage if ‘rescued’
before death. Drink it all at the same time, quickly
as possible. Dosage is questionable, I don’t have
any figures. Taking the spirits as an enema is supposed
to be a very quick way of absorbing alcohol, but a less
unpleasant way is to inject it. The dosage it takes to
kill you depends on whether you drink normally, the
state of your liver, whether you pass out on your back
or not (and probably also the phase of the moon!).
The following is from sci.med (on USENET):
“The fatal dose of pure alcohol in an average adult is
300-400 mL (750-1000 mL of 40% alcohol) if consumed in
less than one hour. Apart from the effects of overdosage,
death after alcohol consumption can occur as a result of
choking on vomit while unconscious. I don’t believe any
permanent damage occured in the above case [ed – the poster
was talking about a specific case of a single very heavy
drinking session]. Consequences such as liver damage occur
after chronic consumption.”

Water
Dosage: gallons of the stuff (14 litres mentioned)
Time: 12 hours or so?
Available: always available unless you’re in Kuwait.
Certainty: so-so (not certain about this)
Notes: works by washing out the salts in your body, until
the cells fail (osmotic balance buggered up). You need
to keep drinking continually until you collapse. Unusual
method. Someone suggested it would also cause cramps.
The following is something from A.S.H., Dec. 1990.
“About a year ago a local newspaper carried a story about
a woman who had drunk herself to death. Apparently she
had injested something mildly poisonous, and when she
called her doctor asking him what to do, he told her to
drink lots of water and see him in the morning. She
got to it and managed to drink no less than 14 litres of
water before the osmotic balance in her body was so upset
it could no longer function and she died (don’t know how
quickly)”.

Bleach and other corrosives
Dosage: A bottle (litre or half litre)
Time: Hours/days
Available: Easily available
Certainty: Uncertain
Notes: Bloody painful – depends on your stomach getting
corroded, the stomach acids escaping, and doing their
dirty work in your vital organs. Not really my cup of
tea…

Insulin (injected)
Dosage: No idea
Time: Probably quite quickly into coma
Available: Difficult to get hold of unless you’re a diabetic
or a vet
Certainty: Very certain if dose is high enough & not discovered
Notes: Supposed to be quite pleasant (eg insulin shock
treatments used for some psychiatric condition).

Petrol (in lungs/injected)
Dosage: “A Thimble-full” -20 ml?
Time: Seconds/minutes
Available: Common
Certainty: I’m not sure of the dosage, but fairly certain if
correct
Notes: Can also use LPG (propane/butane) on skin surface (since
these are light enough to go through the skin). Stick your
hand in a bucket of propane and see how many seconds you
last…

Oil of Wintergreen/Methyl Salicylate (in lungs/injected)
Dosage: Probably similar to petrol (20 ml)
Time: Don’t know
Available: Not available in concentration
Certainty: Don’t know
Notes: Don’t have enough information on this one to be able
to say anything about it.

Carbon Monoxide
Dosage: 5% concentration or so?
Time: Minutes to hours depending on concentration
Available: You get it out of a car exhaust, you used to be able
to use “town gas” (eg, stick your head in the cooker)
but this is no longer available
Certainty: Fairly certain, as long as you aren’t “rescued”
Notes: Causes brain damage.

Malathon (insecticide)
Dosage: A bottle (?)
Time: 2 to 3 hours
Available: From a large garden centre or DIY shop
Certainty: probable, given correct dosage
Notes: Drink undiluted, shake bottle first since it settles.
it causes diarhoea after about half an hour.

Caffiene
Dosage: 20 grammes
Time: not known
Available: Caffiene tablets available in Chemist shops
Certainty: don’t know
Notes: I don’t know very much about this.

Nitrogen gas (or other inert gas)
Dosage: Several litres uncompressed is minimum
Time: Minutes
Available: Try plumber, or welding supplies company
Certainty: Certain
Notes: This is really a form of asphyxiation, (see later),
but is particularly good since you don’t experience
the lack of oxygen (what people really experience is
the EXCESS of carbon dioxide).

Potassium Chloride (injected in solution) / KCl
Dosage: not known (try 20cc injection of strong solution)
Time: Seconds to minutes
Available: Widely available
Certainty: Certain given correct dosage
Notes: Causes heart attack (which is painful). May be difficult
for coroner to realise it was suicide rather than a
natural heart attack. An excess of K+ in the blood
interferes with nerve signals, and stops muscles and
nerves from working. So when it reaches your heart, the
heart stops. Interesting to see what happens if you inject
it into your carotid artery, if it stops nervous tissue
from working.

Rat poison (Warfarin)
Dosage: not known
Time: Hours to terminal damage, days to actual death
Available: Available
Certainty: Certain given suffient dosage
Notes: This is one of the truly unpleasant poisons, along with
Paracetamol/Acetylminopren. I think it causes cerebral
haemorage (rat poison works by giving the unfortunate rat
haemophillia). Doctors can’t do anything about it, they
just leave you to die in agony on an intensive care ward.

Chlorine gas
Dosage: not known – but probably sufficient generated in suggested
method
Time: not known
Available: Get about 4 litres of concentrated bleach, and the same
of ammonia
Certainty: Good
Notes: This was used in the first world war in the trenches, so
it’s got to be effective. You go into a small room, block
off all the ventilation, and pour the bleach and ammonia
into a bucket. This produces chlorine, you breath it in,
and hey presto! I suspect that this is quite painful,
if you are “rescued” there is a danger of either lung
damage, or a slow lingering death.

Digitalis (Foxglove extract?)
Dosage: not known
Time: Probably minutes
Available: Do foxgloves grow in your area?
Certainty: probably good given sufficient dosage
Notes: Gives you a heart-attack. UNDETECTABLE after death, so
if you don’t want to let your friends/relatives to know
that your death was a suicide use this. I don’t know
how to extract digitalis from foxglove, nor do I know
what the dosage is. Heart attacks are painful, but the
advantages in using an undetectable method make this
very attractive.

Colchicine (Acetyltrimethylcolchicinic acid)
Dosage: 7 mg to 60 mg
Time: symptoms in about 4 hours, death in about 4 days
Available: Easily available (from large garden centre)
Certainty: certain
Notes: From the Autumn crocus (Colchicum Autumnale) /
royal lily (Gloriosa Superba). One flower of CA is
about 12 mg, so take at least five of them. 20g tuber
of GS provides 60mg, single seed of CA provides 3.5mg
(so take 18). Damages blood vessels and nerves, and
stops cell division. Don’t know whether its painful or
not, but that bit about damaging nerves is worrying.
Best thing about this one is the name of the acid!

Nicotine (yep – distilled fags!)
Dosage: extract from 100g tabacco (possibly 150mg pure)
Time: not known (possibly several seconds for 150mg pure)
Available: Easily available
Certainty: not known
Notes: Soak 100 grammes of tabacco for a few days. You get a
brown mess. Strain off the tabacco, then simmer slowly
until most of the liquid has gone, leaving about 2
teaspoons of brown treacle-like stuff. Add it to your
night-time drink, and never wake up. Someone said the
other day that 150mg of pure nicotine would be fatal in
seconds.

Hydrazine
Dosage: As produced by reaction
Time: Not known, fortnight?
Available: Bottle of bleach & bottle of ammonia
Certainty: not known
Notes: Something quoted verbatim from the net:
“This is no joke, Dale. Several years ago at my high
school, one of the janitors innocently mixed together
half a bottle of bleach with half a bottle of of ammonia
in a small closet where the cleaning fluids were kept.
He passed out due to the hydrazine (not chlorine) gas
released in the reaction between the two chemicals. This
man was in agony for two weeks in an intensive care unit
in a local hospital with the majority of the inside
surface of his lungs damaged and untreatable before
he got lucky and died.”
[ed – one of the more nasty methods]

Cocaine
Dosage: 1 ounce (don’t know what that is in real weights..)
Time: 2 to 3 hours?
Available: Difficult
Certainty: not known
Notes: Read something in a newspaper… a coke dealer died
after eating an ounce of it, when the police raided
his house. Cause of death was a cardiac arrest 2 1/2
hours after the overdose.

3. JUMPING OFF BUILDINGS
Time: Instantanious if you are lucky, minutes/hours otherwise
Available: You need ten stories or higher, and access to the top floor
windows/roof. Bring a bolt cutter to get onto the roof
Certainty: 90% for 6 stories, increasing after that
Notes: Difficult to overcome fear of heights, many people can’t do it.
Totally painless if high enough, but very frightening.
Easily discovered if seen on/near roof/windows. Access fairly
easy in a city, otherwise difficult. Risk of spending the
rest of your life in a wheelchair. Ever tried killing yourself
if you are paralysed from the neck down? Email conversations
suggest 10+ stories works ALMOST all of the time. Try to land
on concrete. Quote – “9 out of 10 people who fall 6 stories
will die”

4. SLITTING WRISTS OR OTHER (pathetic)
Time: Minutes if major artery cut, eternity otherwise
Available: You really need a razor sharp knife. Razors are pretty tricky
to hold when they are covered with blood
Certainty: Uncertain if you cut an artery, highly improbable otherwise
Notes: Painful at first. Danger of discovery. This is a very common
suicide ‘gesture’ and hardly ever results in anything other
than a scar. A lot of will power required to cut deeply into
groin or carotid arteries, which are the only ones likely to
kill you. Don’t bother with this method. Cutting your throat
is difficult due to the fact that the carotid arteries
are protected by your windpipe (feel where your arteries are
with your fingertips, & slice from the side). I’ve seen photos
of people who have used this method – the depth of the cut
required is amazing. If you want to cut your wrists, cut along
the blue line (vein) on the underside of your wrist, but cut
deeply so that the artery underneath is exposed. Cut this
lengthways with a razor or similar.

5. BULLET
Time: Microseconds unless you are unlucky (mins/hours)
Available: Difficult in UK, easier in USA (get a shotgun)
Certainty: Certain
Notes: Painless if worked, otherwise painful & brain damage.
Danger of discovery of weapon or ammunition.
Not at all common in UK, more common in USA where guns
available. Brain damage & other effects if you survive.
Death either instantaneous, or prolonged.
Lots of will power needed to fire gun (‘hesitation marks’
are bullets/pellets embedded in the wall, when you jerk
the gun as you fire). Bullet can miss vital parts in skull,
deflect off skull.
NOTE, fill mouth with water, aim about 45 degrees from
vertical, this is reliable* since shockwave from water will
kill instantly.
*NOTE, several people have suggested that this is unreliable.
See “Shotgun” below (since much more effective).
Ammunition to use is: .458 Winchester Magnum, or soft-point
slugs with .44 Magnum. Also you could use a sabot round, which
is a plastic wedge with a smaller thing in it. These rounds are
rather overkill, the phrase “elephant gun” has been used about
the .458 Winchester, but if you’re going to go, do it with
a bang

6. ASPHYXIATION
Time: 5 mins to unconciousness, 10+ mins to brain death
Available: Anywhere there’s a rope and something solid to tie it to
Certainty: Certain, if yoou don’t get “rescued”
Notes: Panic reaction is very likely (unless inert gasses used).
One of the most effective and most used methods of suicide.
Probable brain damage if you are “rescued”.
NOTE, this can only really be done in two ways: firstly,
when you are unconsious (eg, sleeping pills), or secondly,
by hanging. Combining with pure inert gasses is a very good
suggestion. See “Nitrogen” in the poisons section

7. AIR IN VEINS (basically just a myth)
Time: Eternity
Available: Plenty of air about… Need a hypodermic & syringe
Certainty: Almost zero (you might catch something from the needle)
Notes: This doesn’t work, unless you inject absolutely massive
amounts of air (it all goes out of the lungs). Myth caused
by the way that doctors squirt a syringe before using it to
get rid of contaminants. If you have to try it, go for the
carotid artery, since this goes to the brain. If you want
a heart attack, you will have to inject something on the order
of 20-50ml every heart-beat (these are ball-park figures) for
several heart beats. Good luck

8. DECAPITATION
Time: Couple of seconds before conciousness fades
Available: Happen to have a train line nearby? Or a guillotine perhaps?
Certainty: Very certain, unless you pull away just before
Notes: See “jumping in front of trains”. May be difficult to stop
pulling your head out of the way – OD on sleeping tablets
first

9. DISEMBOWELMENT (aka seppuku/hara kiri)
Time: Minutes
Available: Got a nice razor-sharp sword?
Certainty: Fairly certain, assuming that you managed to gut yourself
properly before passing out with the agony
Notes: Painful, even the Samurai used a ‘second’ to decapitate them
at the appropriate point, so don’t expect to do much more than
give yourself peritonitis. Trendy for insane martial arts
fanatics and gay Japanese poets called Mishima.

10. DROWNING
Time: Minutes (usually 5 mins, but up to 20 mins in cold water)
Available: Anywhere there’s deep water in a remote spot
Certainty: Good, just make sure you sink & can’t swim
Notes: Put stones in your pockets, tie your legs & hands together,
and hop into the lake.. bit of a shock to the fisherman who
finds your rotting corpse stuck in his brand new net.

11. ELECTROCUTION
Time: Seconds / minutes
Available: Anywhere with high-tension, high-current lines & a good earth
Certainty: Somewhat dependant on luck & how much power goes through you
Notes: Don’t bother with 110 or 240 volt mains, its just not enough.
Some people do get killed with household electricity, but only
after several minutes. Use high tension lines, stand in bare
feet on waterlogged ground (better still, but a piece of THICK
copper cable into the nearest river). Works best if current
path travels through your head, or through the heart. Just
burns you badly otherwise.

12. EXPLOSIVES
Time: 10 milliseconds, or similar (!)
Available: Difficult to get hold of detonator & good explosives
Certainty: Certain if detonator works properly
Notes: DON’T USE GUNPOWDER or other ‘slow’ explosives (eg,
homemade explosives). Use dynamite or ‘Plastique’, strap
it to your forehead with the detonator, and BOOM! The main
problem is with getting hold of high explosives (I know the
recipe for Nitro-Glycerine, but home manufacture is extremely
risky, and the product is unstable). If you can get a grenade,
use it, it’s probably the best way of doing this one.

13. FREEZING TO DEATH
Time: several hours (15 minutes in very cold water)
Available: Got a large chest freezer? Is the outside temp 100F.

X-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-X
Another file downloaded from: The NIRVANAnet(tm) Seven

& the Temple of the Screaming Electron Taipan Enigma 510/935-5845
Burn This Flag Zardoz 408/363-9766
realitycheck Poindexter Fortran 510/527-1662
Lies Unlimited Mick Freen 801/278-2699
The New Dork Sublime Biffnix 415/864-DORK
The Shrine Rif Raf 206/794-6674
Planet Mirth Simon Jester 510/786-6560

“Raw Data for Raw Nerves”
X-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-X

0

HOW DO I GET PUBLISHED? THEN WHAT DO I DO?
by Kathy Fieler

There are two elements to writing, says Charlie Patton, Book
Review Editor for the _Florida Times Union_; aptitude and diligence.
“There has to be some innate talent, or at least some level of talent.
There are great geniuses and there are competent, hard-working writers.
Your talent will carry you to different levels, but you learn by talking
to people who are good writers.”

Writing for hire teaches skills necessary for consistently turning
out publishable material, according to Patton. A writers who is trying
to sell an article will research the market before investing time in
the writing process. When the goal is a paycheck, the writers must be
disciplined and realistic.

“Another nice thing is you have to write to deadlines,” he says.
Patton works best against a deadline, because it forces him to concentrate.
He suspects most writers are like this. “I think most writers tend to
procrastinate,” he says. “Certainly writers working in the newspaper
business do. No one ever turns things in six weeks ahead of deadline.
It’s always more like six minutes before, of six minutes after.”

Start by writing what interests you, because you’ll have a passion
for the subject, he advises. Then write any time an opportunity
presents itself. “I began writing about sports, not because I wanted
to write, but because I liked sports,” he said. “If you’re in high
school or college, write for the school newspaper. You have to begin
the writing process to learn it.”

Reference books, particularly a good thesaurus, a good dictionary,
and a manual of style, are important to both the beginning writer and
the seasoned pro. “I’ve got lots of reference books and have access to
lots of good ones at the newspaper,” says Patton, “but I’m in the
unusual position as the editor of a newspaper. I get sent hundreds of
books a year.” He advocates going to your public library if you’re on
a budget.

Electronic reference books are becoming ever more available to
people with home computers and Patton believes writers should take
advantage of it. “We’re on the leading edge of the electronic age,” he
says. “In my house, we don’t have encyclopedias on paper any more. We
have them on CD ROM and that’s just the beginning of what’s available.
A newspaper called the _San Jose Mercury_ has taken a leading role,
publishing by computer, and is available on one of the on-line
services.”

Beware of short cuts, he warns. “Writers should seek publication,
but anybody that pays to get their stuff published is not a professional,”
he says. With all the scams out there, it’s easy to succumb to impatience
and get caught up in vanity publishing. Likewise, it’s easy to concede to
giving work away, just to see your name in print. And make sure your read
up on copyright laws. Know which rights you are selling or seek the
advice of a good copyright attorney before signing any contract.

That is not to say Patton thinks self-publishing is always bad. “I
encounter lots of people who want to be writers, who don’t have the
talent or haven’t put in the effort, but think they are deserving of
the attention because they aspire to be a writer,” he said. Patton
doesn’t have a problem with someone publishing his own book, if it’s
for the right reason, such as it has a niche market and may not sell
in the mainstream.

If you intend to self-publish, you should seek qualified critiques
of your material in order to avoid embarrassing mistakes the pros
would never miss. Patton says writers’ groups, lead by properly
qualified individuals, are good places to have work inexpensively
edited and learn the writing process.

Once you’ve been published, publicity is the next concern. Patton
says it’s really up to the author to see that the book is aggressively
promoted. “It doesn’t hurt to promote your own book,” he says. “Authors
do that all the time. If someone calls me up and offers some aspect that
is germane to my column, I’ll write about it.” The trick, he says, is
to find a story angle for the publication you’re contacting.

Patton likens the successful writer to a great athlete. First you
have to learn the game. Then you have to go to practice, then try-outs,
and finally you make the team. In the end, though, it’s up to you to find
— those photo opportunities.

# # #

Copyright 1994 Kathy Fieler
———————— # # # ———————————-
Kathy is a Jacksonville based freelance writer and publicist. Her works
appeared in FLORIDA TIMES UNION, SUWANNEE DEMOCRAT, CLAY TODAY, NASSAU
COUNTY RECORD, SEE magazines, and others. She is an editor of the THE
PENCHANT, Public Relations Director for the Florida First Coast Writer’s
Festival, and production staff member at STATE STREET REVIEW (a biannual
literary magazine). She’s married, has two children, and various pets.
========================================================================

0

Path: spies!sgiblab!sdd.hp.com!usc!cs.utexas.edu!rutgers!uwvax!meteor!farrenko
From: farrenko@meteor.wisc.edu (Joe Farrenkopf)
Newsgroups: misc.invest
Subject: 1992 daily close for DJIA and S&P500
Message-ID:
Date: 7 Jan 93 22:46:43 GMT
Sender: farrenko@meteor.wisc.edu (Joe Farrenkopf)
Distribution: na
Organization: University of Wisconsin, Meteorology and Space Science
Lines: 328

Here is the daily close information for the Dow Jones Industrial Average
and the S&P 500 for 1992. Data for December 23 is missing — sorry!

Dow Jones closings S & P 500

Change from Change from
Date Close Change previous week Close Change previous week
Jan 1 1992 Holiday – New Year’s
Jan 2 1992 3172.41 + 3.58 417.26 + 0.17
Jan 3 1992 3201.48 + 29.07 + 99.96 419.34 + 2.08 + 12.88

Jan 6 1992 3200.13 – 1.35 417.96 – 1.38
Jan 7 1992 3204.83 + 4.70 417.40 – 0.56
Jan 8 1992 3203.94 – 0.89 418.10 + 0.70
Jan 9 1992 3209.53 + 5.59 417.61 – 0.49
Jan 10 1992 3199.46 – 10.07 – 2.02 415.10 – 2.51 – 4.24

Jan 13 1992 3185.60 – 13.86 414.34 – 0.76
Jan 14 1992 3246.20 + 60.60 420.44 + 6.10
Jan 15 1992 3258.50 + 12.30 420.77 + 0.33
Jan 16 1992 3249.55 – 8.95 418.21 – 2.56
Jan 17 1992 3264.98 + 15.43 + 65.52 418.86 + 0.65 + 3.76

Jan 20 1992 3254.03 – 10.95 416.36 – 2.50
Jan 21 1992 3223.39 – 30.64 412.64 – 3.72
Jan 22 1992 3255.81 + 32.42 418.13 + 5.49
Jan 23 1992 3226.74 – 29.07 414.96 – 3.17
Jan 24 1992 3232.78 + 6.04 – 32.20 415.48 + 0.52 – 3.38

Jan 27 1992 3240.61 + 7.83 414.99 – 0.49
Jan 28 1992 3272.14 + 31.53 414.96 – 0.03
Jan 29 1992 3224.96 – 47.18 410.34 – 4.62
Jan 30 1992 3244.86 + 19.90 411.16 + 0.82
Jan 31 1992 3223.39 – 21.47 – 9.39 408.79 – 2.37 – 6.69

Feb 3 1992 3234.12 + 10.73 409.53 + 0.74
Feb 4 1992 3272.81 + 38.69 413.83 + 4.30
Feb 5 1992 3257.60 – 15.21 413.84 + 0.01
Feb 6 1992 3255.59 – 2.01 413.82 – 0.02
Feb 7 1992 3225.40 – 30.19 + 2.01 411.09 – 2.73 + 2.30

Feb 10 1992 3245.08 + 19.68 413.77 + 2.68
Feb 11 1992 3251.57 + 6.49 413.76 – 0.01
Feb 12 1992 3276.83 + 25.26 417.13 + 3.37
Feb 13 1992 3246.65 – 30.18 413.69 – 3.44
Feb 14 1992 3245.97 – 0.68 + 20.57 412.48 – 1.21 + 1.39

Feb 17 1992 Holiday – President’s Day
Feb 18 1992 3224.73 – 21.24 407.38 – 5.10
Feb 19 1992 3230.32 + 5.59 408.26 + 0.88
Feb 20 1992 3280.64 + 50.32 413.90 + 5.64
Feb 21 1992 3280.19 – 0.45 + 34.22 411.46 – 2.44 – 1.02

Feb 24 1992 3282.42 + 2.23 412.27 + 0.81
Feb 25 1992 3257.83 – 24.59 410.45 – 1.82
Feb 26 1992 3283.32 + 25.49 415.35 + 4.90
Feb 27 1992 3269.45 – 13.87 413.86 – 1.49
Feb 28 1992 3267.67 – 1.78 – 12.52 412.70 – 1.16 + 1.24

Mar 2 1992 3275.27 + 7.60 412.45 – 0.25
Mar 3 1992 3290.25 + 14.98 412.85 + 0.40
Mar 4 1992 3268.56 – 21.69 409.33 – 3.52
Mar 5 1992 3241.50 – 27.06 406.51 – 2.82
Mar 6 1992 3221.60 – 19.90 – 46.07 404.44 – 2.07 – 8.26

Mar 9 1992 3215.12 – 6.48 405.21 + 0.77
Mar 10 1992 3230.99 + 15.87 406.89 + 1.68
Mar 11 1992 3208.63 – 22.36 404.03 – 2.86
Mar 12 1992 3208.63 0.00 403.61 – 0.42
Mar 13 1992 3235.91 + 27.28 + 14.31 405.84 + 2.23 + 1.40

Mar 16 1992 3236.36 + 0.45 406.39 + 0.55
Mar 17 1992 3256.04 + 19.68 409.58 + 3.19
Mar 18 1992 3254.25 – 1.79 409.15 – 0.43
Mar 19 1992 3261.40 + 7.15 409.80 + 0.65
Mar 20 1992 3276.39 + 14.99 + 40.48 411.30 + 1.50 + 5.46

Mar 23 1992 3272.14 – 4.25 409.91 – 1.39
Mar 24 1992 3260.96 – 11.18 408.88 – 1.03
Mar 25 1992 3259.39 – 1.57 407.52 – 1.36
Mar 26 1992 3267.67 + 8.28 407.86 + 0.34
Mar 27 1992 3231.44 – 36.23 – 44.95 403.50 – 4.36 – 7.80

Mar 30 1992 3235.24 + 3.80 403.00 – 0.50
Mar 31 1992 3235.47 + 0.23 403.69 + 0.69
Apr 1 1992 3249.33 + 13.86 404.23 + 0.54
Apr 2 1992 3234.12 – 15.21 400.50 – 3.73
Apr 3 1992 3249.11 + 14.99 + 17.67 401.55 + 1.05 – 1.95

Apr 6 1992 3275.49 + 26.38 405.59 + 4.04
Apr 7 1992 3213.55 – 61.94 398.06 – 7.53
Apr 8 1992 3181.35 – 32.20 394.50 – 3.56
Apr 9 1992 3224.96 + 43.61 400.64 + 6.14
Apr 10 1992 3255.37 + 30.41 + 6.26 404.29 + 3.65 + 2.74

Apr 13 1992 3269.90 + 14.53 406.08 + 1.79
Apr 14 1992 3306.13 + 36.23 412.39 + 6.31
Apr 15 1992 3353.76 + 47.63 416.28 + 3.89
Apr 16 1992 3366.50 + 12.74 +111.13 416.05 – 0.23 + 11.76
Apr 17 1992 Holiday – Good Friday

Apr 20 1992 3336.31 – 30.19 410.16 – 5.89
Apr 21 1992 3343.25 + 6.94 410.26 + 0.10
Apr 22 1992 3338.77 – 4.48 409.81 – 0.45
Apr 23 1992 3348.61 + 9.84 411.60 + 1.79
Apr 24 1992 3324.46 – 24.15 – 42.04 409.02 – 2.58 – 7.03

Apr 27 1992 3304.56 – 19.90 408.45 – 0.57
Apr 28 1992 3307.92 + 3.36 409.11 + 0.66
Apr 29 1992 3333.18 + 25.26 412.02 + 2.91
Apr 30 1992 3359.12 + 25.94 414.95 + 2.93
May 1 1992 3336.09 – 23.03 + 11.63 412.53 – 2.42 + 3.51

May 4 1992 3378.13 + 42.04 416.91 + 4.38
May 5 1992 3359.35 – 18.78 416.84 – 0.07
May 6 1992 3369.41 + 10.06 416.79 – 0.05
May 7 1992 3363.37 – 6.04 415.85 – 0.94
May 8 1992 3369.41 + 6.04 + 33.32 416.05 + 0.20 + 3.52

May 11 1992 3397.58 + 28.17 418.49 + 2.44
May 12 1992 3385.12 – 12.46 416.29 – 2.20
May 13 1992 3391.98 + 6.86 416.45 + 0.16
May 14 1992 3368.88 – 23.10 413.14 – 3.31
May 15 1992 3353.09 – 15.79 – 16.32 410.09 – 3.05 – 5.96

May 18 1992 3376.03 + 22.94 412.81 + 2.72
May 19 1992 3397.99 + 21.96 416.37 + 3.56
May 20 1992 3393.84 – 4.15 415.39 – 0.98
May 21 1992 3378.71 – 15.13 412.60 – 2.79
May 22 1992 3386.77 + 8.06 + 33.68 414.02 + 1.42 + 3.93

May 25 1992 Holiday – Memorial Day
May 26 1992 3364.21 – 22.56 411.41 – 2.61
May 27 1992 3370.44 + 6.23 412.17 + 0.76
May 28 1992 3398.43 + 27.99 416.74 + 4.57
May 29 1992 3396.88 – 1.55 + 10.11 415.35 – 1.39 + 1.33

Jun 1 1992 3413.21 + 16.33 417.30 + 1.95
Jun 2 1992 3396.10 – 17.11 413.50 – 3.80
Jun 3 1992 3406.99 + 10.89 414.59 + 1.09
Jun 4 1992 3399.73 – 7.26 413.26 – 1.33
Jun 5 1992 3398.69 – 1.04 + 1.81 413.48 + 0.22 – 1.87

Jun 8 1992 3404.14 + 5.45 413.36 – 0.12
Jun 9 1992 3369.92 – 34.22 410.06 – 3.30
Jun 10 1992 3343.22 – 26.70 407.25 – 2.81
Jun 11 1992 3351.51 + 8.29 409.05 + 1.80
Jun 12 1992 3354.36 + 2.85 – 44.33 409.76 + 0.71 – 3.72

Jun 15 1992 3354.90 + 0.54 410.29 + 0.53
Jun 16 1992 3329.24 – 24.66 408.32 – 1.97
Jun 17 1992 3287.76 – 41.48 402.26 – 6.06
Jun 18 1992 3274.12 – 13.64 400.96 – 1.30
Jun 19 1992 3285.35 + 11.23 – 69.01 403.67 + 2.71 – 6.09

Jun 22 1992 3280.80 – 4.55 403.40 – 0.27
Jun 23 1992 3285.62 + 4.82 404.04 + 0.64
Jun 24 1992 3290.70 + 5.08 403.83 – 0.21
Jun 25 1992 3284.01 – 6.69 403.12 – 0.71
Jun 26 1992 3282.41 – 1.60 – 2.91 403.45 + 0.33 – 0.22

Jun 29 1992 3319.86 + 37.45 408.94 + 5.49
Jun 30 1992 3318.52 – 1.34 408.14 – 0.80
Jul 1 1992 3354.10 + 35.58 412.88 + 4.74
Jul 2 1992 3330.29 – 23.81 + 47.88 411.77 – 1.11 + 8.32
Jul 3 1992 Holiday – Fourth of July

Jul 6 1992 3339.21 + 8.92 413.84 + 2.07
Jul 7 1992 3295.17 – 44.04 409.16 – 4.68
Jul 8 1992 3293.28 – 1.89 410.28 + 1.12
Jul 9 1992 3324.08 + 30.80 414.23 + 3.95
Jul 10 1992 3330.56 + 6.48 + 0.27 414.62 + 0.39 + 2.85

Jul 13 1992 3337.31 + 6.75 414.87 + 0.25
Jul 14 1992 3358.39 + 21.08 417.68 + 2.81
Jul 15 1992 3345.42 – 12.97 417.10 – 0.58
Jul 16 1992 3361.63 + 16.21 417.54 + 0.44
Jul 17 1992 3331.64 – 29.99 + 1.08 415.62 – 1.92 + 1.00

Jul 20 1992 3303.00 – 28.64 413.75 – 1.87
Jul 21 1992 3308.41 + 5.41 413.76 + 0.01
Jul 22 1992 3277.61 – 30.80 410.93 – 2.83
Jul 23 1992 3290.04 + 12.43 412.08 + 1.15
Jul 24 1992 3285.71 – 4.33 – 45.93 411.60 – 0.48 – 4.02

Jul 27 1992 3282.20 – 3.51 411.54 – 0.06
Jul 28 1992 3334.07 + 51.87 417.52 + 5.98
Jul 29 1992 3379.19 + 45.12 422.23 + 4.71
Jul 30 1992 3391.89 + 12.70 423.92 + 1.69
Jul 31 1992 3393.78 + 1.89 +108.07 424.21 + 0.29 + 12.61

Aug 3 1992 3395.40 + 1.62 425.09 + 0.88
Aug 4 1992 3384.32 – 11.08 424.36 – 0.73
Aug 5 1992 3365.14 – 19.18 422.19 – 2.17
Aug 6 1992 3340.56 – 24.58 420.59 – 1.60
Aug 7 1992 3332.18 – 8.38 – 61.60 418.88 – 1.71 – 5.33

Aug 10 1992 3337.58 + 5.40 419.42 + 0.54
Aug 11 1992 3331.10 – 6.48 418.90 – 0.52
Aug 12 1992 3320.83 – 10.27 417.78 – 1.12
Aug 13 1992 3313.27 – 7.56 417.73 – 0.05
Aug 14 1992 3328.94 + 15.67 – 3.24 419.91 + 2.18 + 1.03

Aug 17 1992 3324.89 – 4.05 420.74 + 0.83
Aug 18 1992 3329.48 + 4.59 421.34 + 0.60
Aug 19 1992 3307.06 – 22.42 418.19 – 3.15
Aug 20 1992 3304.89 – 2.17 418.26 + 0.07
Aug 21 1992 3254.10 – 50.79 – 74.84 414.85 – 3.41 – 5.06

Aug 24 1992 3228.17 – 25.93 410.72 – 4.13
Aug 25 1992 3232.22 + 4.05 411.61 + 0.89
Aug 26 1992 3246.81 + 14.59 413.51 + 1.90
Aug 27 1992 3254.64 + 7.83 413.53 + 0.02
Aug 28 1992 3267.61 + 12.97 + 13.51 414.84 + 1.31 – 0.01

Aug 31 1992 3257.35 – 10.26 414.03 – 0.81
Sep 1 1992 3266.26 + 8.91 416.07 + 2.04
Sep 2 1992 3290.31 + 24.05 417.98 + 1.91
Sep 3 1992 3292.20 + 1.89 417.98 0.00
Sep 4 1992 3281.93 – 10.27 + 14.32 417.08 – 0.90 + 2.24

Sep 7 1992 Holiday – Labor Day
Sep 8 1992 3260.59 – 21.34 414.44 – 2.64
Sep 9 1992 3271.39 + 10.80 416.36 + 1.92
Sep 10 1992 3305.16 + 33.77 419.95 + 3.59
Sep 11 1992 3305.70 + 0.54 + 23.77 419.58 – 0.37 + 2.50

Sep 14 1992 3376.22 + 70.52 425.27 + 5.69
Sep 15 1992 3327.32 – 48.90 419.77 – 5.50
Sep 16 1992 3319.21 – 8.11 419.92 + 0.15
Sep 17 1992 3315.70 – 3.51 419.93 + 0.01
Sep 18 1992 3327.05 + 11.35 + 21.35 422.93 + 3.00 + 3.35

Sep 21 1992 3320.83 – 6.22 422.14 – 0.79
Sep 22 1992 3280.85 – 39.98 417.14 – 5.00
Sep 23 1992 3278.69 – 2.16 417.44 + 0.30
Sep 24 1992 3287.87 + 9.18 418.47 + 1.03
Sep 25 1992 3250.32 – 37.55 – 76.73 414.35 – 4.12 – 8.58

Sep 28 1992 3276.26 + 25.94 416.62 + 2.27
Sep 29 1992 3266.80 – 9.46 416.80 + 0.18
Sep 30 1992 3271.66 + 4.86 417.80 + 1.00
Oct 1 1992 3254.37 – 17.29 416.29 – 1.51
Oct 2 1992 3200.61 – 53.76 – 49.71 410.47 – 5.82 – 3.88

Oct 5 1992 3179.00 – 21.61 407.57 – 2.90
Oct 6 1992 3178.19 – 0.81 407.18 – 0.39
Oct 7 1992 3152.25 – 25.94 404.25 – 2.93
Oct 8 1992 3176.03 + 23.78 407.75 + 3.50
Oct 9 1992 3136.58 – 39.45 – 64.03 402.66 – 5.09 – 7.81

Oct 12 1992 3174.41 + 37.83 407.44 + 4.78
Oct 13 1992 3201.42 + 27.01 409.30 + 1.86
Oct 14 1992 3195.48 – 5.94 409.37 + 0.07
Oct 15 1992 3174.68 – 20.80 409.60 + 0.23
Oct 16 1992 3174.41 – 0.27 + 37.83 411.73 + 2.13 + 9.07

Oct 19 1992 3188.45 + 14.04 414.98 + 3.25
Oct 20 1992 3186.02 – 2.43 415.48 + 0.50
Oct 21 1992 3187.10 + 1.08 415.67 + 0.19
Oct 22 1992 3200.88 + 13.78 414.90 – 0.77
Oct 23 1992 3207.64 + 6.76 + 33.23 414.10 – 0.80 + 2.37

Oct 26 1992 3244.11 + 36.47 418.16 + 4.06
Oct 27 1992 3235.73 – 8.38 418.49 + 0.33
Oct 28 1992 3251.40 + 15.67 420.13 + 1.64
Oct 29 1992 3246.27 – 5.13 420.86 + 0.73
Oct 30 1992 3226.28 – 19.99 + 18.64 418.68 – 2.18 + 4.58

Nov 2 1992 3262.21 + 35.93 422.75 + 4.07
Nov 3 1992 3252.48 – 9.73 419.92 – 2.83
Nov 4 1992 3223.04 – 29.44 417.11 – 2.81
Nov 5 1992 3243.84 + 20.80 418.02 + 0.91
Nov 6 1992 3240.06 – 3.78 + 13.78 417.58 – 0.44 – 1.10

Nov 9 1992 3240.87 + 0.81 418.59 + 1.01
Nov 10 1992 3225.47 – 15.40 418.62 + 0.03
Nov 11 1992 3240.33 + 14.86 422.20 + 3.58
Nov 12 1992 3239.79 – 0.54 422.87 + 0.67
Nov 13 1992 3233.03 – 6.76 – 7.03 422.43 – 0.44 + 4.85

Nov 16 1992 3205.74 – 27.29 420.68 – 1.75
Nov 17 1992 3193.32 – 12.42 419.27 – 1.41
Nov 18 1992 3207.37 + 14.05 422.85 + 3.58
Nov 19 1992 3209.53 + 2.16 423.61 + 0.76
Nov 20 1992 3227.36 + 17.83 – 5.67 426.65 + 3.04 + 4.22

Nov 23 1992 3223.04 – 4.32 425.12 – 1.53
Nov 24 1992 3248.70 + 25.66 427.59 + 2.47
Nov 25 1992 3266.26 + 17.56 429.19 + 1.60
Nov 26 1992 Holiday – Thanksgiving
Nov 27 1992 3282.20 + 15.94 + 54.84 430.16 + 0.97 + 3.51

Nov 30 1992 3305.16 + 22.96 431.35 + 1.19
Dec 1 1992 3294.36 – 10.80 430.78 – 0.57
Dec 2 1992 3286.25 – 8.11 429.89 – 0.89
Dec 3 1992 3276.53 – 9.72 429.91 + 0.02
Dec 4 1992 3288.68 + 12.15 + 6.48 432.06 + 2.15 + 1.90

Dec 7 1992 3307.33 + 18.65 435.31 + 3.25
Dec 8 1992 3322.18 + 14.85 436.99 + 1.68
Dec 9 1992 3323.81 + 1.63 435.65 – 1.34
Dec 10 1992 3312.19 – 11.62 434.64 – 1.01
Dec 11 1992 3304.08 – 8.11 + 15.40 433.73 – 0.91 + 1.67

Dec 14 1992 3292.20 – 11.88 432.84 – 0.89
Dec 15 1992 3284.36 – 7.84 432.57 – 0.27
Dec 16 1992 3255.18 – 29.18 431.52 – 1.05
Dec 17 1992 3269.23 + 14.05 435.43 + 3.91
Dec 18 1992 3313.27 + 44.04 + 9.19 441.28 + 5.85 + 7.55

Dec 21 1992 3312.46 – 0.81 440.70 – 0.58
Dec 22 1992 3321.10 + 8.64 440.31 – 0.39
Dec 23 1992
Dec 24 1992 3326.24 + 12.97 439.77 – 1.51
Dec 25 1992 Holiday – Christmas

Dec 28 1992 3333.26 + 7.02 439.15 – 0.62
Dec 29 1992 3310.84 – 22.42 437.98 – 1.17
Dec 30 1992 3316.78 + 5.94 438.82 + 0.84
Dec 31 1992 3301.11 – 15.67 – 25.13 435.71 – 3.11 – 4.06
—
Joe Farrenkopf
farrenko@meteor.wisc.edu
University of Wisconsin-Madison

0

CONDENSED GUIDE TO SI UNITS AND STANDARDS
By Drew Daniels

The following is a highly condensed guide to SI units, standard usage and
numerical notation for the benefit of people who have occasion to write
specifications or technical literature of any kind.
The abominable disregard for (literary and verbal) communication
standards even among engineers and highly skilled technicians makes for
needless confusion, ambiguity and duplication of effort.
Let’s review the world standard means and methods for expressing the
terms we use and use them to codify our jargon and simplify our
communications.

SI UNITS, STANDARDS AND NOTATION

All the way back in 1866, the Metric System of units was legalized by
the U.S. Government for trade in the United States.
In 1960 the international “General Conference on Weights and Measures”
met in Paris and named the metric system of units (based on the meter,
kilogram, second, ampere, kelvin and candela) the “International System of
Units”. The Conference also established the abbreviation “SI” as the official
abbreviation, to be used in all languages.
The SI units are used to derive units of measurement for all physical
quantities and phenomena. There are only seven basic SI “base units”, these
are:

NAME SYMBOL QUANTITY
————————————————-
ampere A electric current
candela cd luminous intensity
meter m length
kelvin K thermodynamic temperature
kilogram kg mass
mole mol amount of substance
second s time

The SI derived units and supplementary units are listed here with applicable
derivative equations:

NAME SYMBOL QUANTITY DERIVED BY
——————————————————————
coulomb C quantity of electricity A*s
farad F capacitance A*s/V
henry H inductance V*s/A
hertz Hz frequency s^-
joule J energy or work N*m
lumen lm luminous flux cd*sr
lux lx illuminance lm/m^2
newton N force kg*m/s^2
ohm (upper case omega) electric resistance V/A
pascal Pa pressure N/m^2
radian rad plane angle
steradian sr solid angle
tesla T magnetic flux density Wb/m^2
volt V potential difference W/A
watt W power J/s
weber Wb magnetic flux V*s

NAME SYMBOL QUANTITY
——————————————————————–
ampere per meter A/m magnetic field strength
candela per square meter cd/m^2 luminance
joule per kelvin J/K entropy
joule per kilogram kelvin J/(kg*K) specific heat capacity
kilogram per cubic meter kg/m^3 mass density (density)
meter per second m/s speed, velocity
meter per second per second m/s^2 acceleration
square meter m^2 area
cubic meter m^3 volume
square meter per second m^2/s kinematic viscosity
newton-second per square meter N*s/m^2 dynamic viscosity
1 per second s^- radioactivity
radian per second rad/s angular velocity
radian per second per second rad/s^2 angular acceleration
volt per meter V/m electric field strength
watt per meter kelvin W/(m*K) thermal conductivity
watt per steradian W/sr radiant intensity

DEFINITIONS OF SI UNITS

(The wording used by the Conference may seem a bit stilted, but it is
carefully chosen for semantic clarity to make the definitions unambiguous.)

The ampere is that constant current which, if maintained in two straight
parallel conductors of infinite length, of negligible circular cross section,
and placed 1 meter apart in vacuum, would produce between these conductors a
force equal to 2E-7 newton per meter of length.

The candela is the luminous intensity, in the perpendicular direction, of a
surface of 1/600,000 square meter of a blackbody at the temperature of
freezing platinum under a pressure of 101,325 newtons per square meter.

The coulomb is the quantity of electricity transported in 1 second by the
current of 1 ampere.

The farad is the capacitance of a capacitor between the plates of which
there appears a difference of potential of 1 volt when it is charged by a
quantity of electricity equal to 1 coulomb.

The henry is the inductance of a closed circuit in which an electromotive
force of 1 volt is produced when the electric current in the circuit varies
uniformly at a rate of 1 ampere per second.

The joule is the work done when the point of application of 1 newton is
displaced a distance of 1 meter in the direction of the force.

The kelvin , the unit of thermodynamic temperature, is the fraction 1/273.16
of the thermodynamic temperature of the triple point of water.

The kilogram is the unit of mass; it is equal to the mass of the
international prototype of the kilogram. (The international prototype of the
kilogram is a particular cylinder of platinum-irridium alloy which is
preserved in a vault at Sevres, France, by the International Bureau of Weights
and Measures.)

The lumen is the luminous flux emitted in a solid angle of 1 steradian by a
uniform point source having an intensity of 1 candela.

The meter is the length equal to 1,650,763.73 wavelengths in vacuum of the
radiation corresponding to the transition between the levels 2p sub 10, and 5d
sub 5 of the krypton-86 atom.

The mole is the amount of substance of a system which contains as many
elementary entities as there are carbon atoms in 12 grams of carbon 12. The
elementary entities must be specified and may be atoms, molecules, ions,
electrons, other particles or specified groups of such particles.

The newton is that force which gives to a mass of 1 kilogram an acceleration
of 1 meter per second per second.

The ohm is the electric resistance between two points of a conductor when a
constant difference of potential of 1 volt, applied between these two points,
produces in this conductor a current of 1 ampere, this conductor not being the
source of any electromotive force.

The radian is the plane angle between two radii of a circle which cut off on
the circumference an arc equal in length to the radius.

The second is the duration of 9,192,631,770 periods of the radiation
corresponding to the transition between the two hyperfine levels of the ground
state of the cesium-133 atom.

The steradian is the solid angle which, having its vertex in the center of a
sphere, cuts off an area of the surface of the sphere equal to that of a
square with sides of length equal to the radius of the sphere.

The volt is the difference of electric potential between two points of a
conducting wire carrying a constant current of 1 ampere, when the power
dissipated between these points is equal to 1 watt.

The watt is the power which gives rise to the production of energy at the
rate of 1 joule per second.

The weber is the magnetic flux which, linking a circuit of one turn,
produces in it an electromotive force of 1 volt as it is reduced to zero at a
uniform rate in 1 second.

SI PREFIXES
The names of multiples and submultiples of any SI unit are formed by
application of the prefixes:

MULTIPLIER PREFIX SYMBOL TIMES 1, IS EQUAL TO:
———- —— —— ————————–
10^18 exa E 1 000 000 000 000 000 000
10^15 peta P 1 000 000 000 000 000
10^12 tera T 1 000 000 000 000
10^9 giga G 1 000 000 000
10^6 mega M 1 000 000
10^3 kilo k 1 000
10^2 hecto h 100
10 deka da 10
0 — — 1 (unity)
10^-1 deci d .1
10^-2 centi c .01
10^-3 milli m .001
10^-6 micro u .000 001
10^-9 nano n .000 000 001
10^-12 pico p .000 000 000 001
10^-15 femto f .000 000 000 000 001
10^-18 atto a .000 000 000 000 000 001

Some examples: ten-thousand grams is written; 10 kg, 20,000 cycles per
second is written; 20 kHz, 10-million hertz is written; 10 MHz, and 250
billionths of a weber per meter of magnetic flux is written; 250 nWb/m.
Always use less than 1000 units with an SI prefix; “1000 MGS” is advertizing
hyperbole and should be written ” 1 g ” only.
SI prefixes and units should be written together and then set off by a
space (single space in print) from their numerators. For example; use the
form ” 35 mm ” instead of ” 35mm ” and ” 1 kHz ” instead of ” 1k Hz “.
When writing use standard SI formats and be consistent. You should
consult National Bureau of Standards publication 330, (1977) for details on
usage.
Never combine SI prefixes directly, that is, write 10^-10 farads as 100
pF instead of 0.1 micro-microfarads (uuF). Keep in mind that whenever you
write out a unit name longhand, the rule is that the name is all lower case,
but when abbreviating, the first letter is upper case if the unit is named
after a person and lower case if it is not; examples: V = volt for Volta, F =
farad for Faraday, T = tesla for Tesla, and so on. Letter m = meter, s =
second, rad = radian, and so on. Revolutions per minute may be written only
as r/min, miles per hour may be written only as mi./hr, and inches per second
may be written only as in./s and so on.

In addition to the correct upper and lower case, prefixes and
combinations, there is also a conventional text spacing for SI units and
abbreviations. Write 20 Hz, rather than 20Hz. Write 20 kHz, rather than
20k Hz, and so on. Always separate the numerator of a unit from its prefix
and/or unit name, but do not separate the prefix and name.

SCIENTIFIC AND ENGINEERING NOTATION
(NOTE: “E” stands for power of 10 exponent.)
Scientific notation is used to make big and small numbers easy to handle.
Engineering notation is similar to scientific notation except that it uses
thousands exclusively, rather than tens like scientific notation.

The number 100 could be written 1E2 (1*10^2) or 10^2 in scientific
notation, but would be written only as 100 in engineering notation. The
number 12,000 would be written 1.2E4 (1.2*10^4) in scientific, and written
12E3 (12*10^3) in engineering notation. Here is a partial listing of possible
Scientific and Engineering notation prefixes:

SCIENTIFIC ENGINEERING SCIENTIFIC ENGINEERING
———- ———– ———- ———–
10^-18 = 1 a 10^1 = 10
10^-17 = 10 a 10^2 = 100
10^-16 = 100 a 10^3 = 1 k
10^-15 = 1 f 10^4 = 10 k
10^-14 = 10 f 10^5 = 100 k
10^-13 = 100 f 10^6 = 1 M
10^-12 = 1 p 10^7 = 10 M
10^-11 = 10 p 10^8 = 100 M
10^-10 = 100 p 10^9 = 1 G
10^-9 = 1 n 10^10 = 10 G
10^-8 = 10 n 10^11 = 100 G
10^-7 = 100 n 10^12 = 1 T
10^-6 = 1 u 10^13 = 10 T
10^-5 = 10 u 10^14 = 100 T
10^-4 = 100 u 10^15 = 1 P
10^-3 = 1 m 10^16 = 10 P
10^-2 = 10 m 10^17 = 100 P
10^-1 = 100 m 10^18 = 1 E
10^0 = 1 10^19 = 10 E
10^20 = 100 E

Engineering notation is used by default when we speak because the
numerical values of the spoken names of SI prefixes run in increments of
thousands such as; kilohertz, microfarads, millihenrys and megaohms
(pronounced “megohms”). The spoken term “20 kilohertz” is already in
engineering notation, and would be written on paper as 20E3 (20*10^3) hertz in
strict engineering notation and as 2E4 (2*10^4) in scientific notation if it
were not written in the more familiar form, 20 kHz.

In either case, scientific or engineering, the rule is: for numbers
greater than 1, the En part of the figure indicates the number of decimal
places to the right that zeros will be added to the original number. For
numbers smaller than 1, the E-n part of the figure indicates the number of
decimal places to the left of the original number that the decimal point
itself should be moved. The small “n” and “-n” here stand for the digits in
the exponent itself.

A definitive phamphlet describing SI units, conversions between SI units,
older CGS and MKS units and units outside the SI system of units is available
in the form of NASA Publication SP-7012, (1973). Inquire to the U.S.
Government Printing Office in Pueblo, Colorado or in Washington, D.C. for this
and other publications about SI units, their use and history.

END

0

Cheats are in upper case letters for highlighting purposes only
and do not have to be entered as such.

SHADOW OF THE BEAST – At any time during the game, press the enter
key on the numeric keypad about five times, then press the F5 key
a couple of times and your health should rise from 12 to 30. This
cheat can be repeated as many times as you wish.

THE SPY WHO LOVED ME – Once you have begun the game, type
MISS MONEYPENNY (don’t forget the space) for infinite lives and
infinite Q credits in the enhancer truck.

ATOMIC ROBOKID – On the title screen, type TUESDAY 14TH (don’t
forget the space). Now press the fire button on the joystick and
you will be presented with a menu of a list of cheat options!

SLY SPY SECRET AGENT – At the beginning of the game when you are
asked for a code, enter 007. Then, at any time when playing, type
SHAKEN NOT STIRRED for infinite credits. Do not touch the joystick
while entering the cheat or it will not work.

GREMLINS 2 – Type SINATRA on the high score table for infinite
lives.

X-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-X
Another file downloaded from: The NIRVANAnet(tm) Seven

& the Temple of the Screaming Electron Taipan Enigma 510/935-5845
Burn This Flag Zardoz 408/363-9766
realitycheck Poindexter Fortran 510/527-1662
Lies Unlimited Mick Freen 801/278-2699
The New Dork Sublime Biffnix 415/864-DORK
The Shrine Rif Raf 206/794-6674
Planet Mirth Simon Jester 510/786-6560

“Raw Data for Raw Nerves”
X-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-X

0

ONLY YOU CAN TEAR THIS

Twist an ordinary paper napkin
repeatedly like a rope and ask your
companion to pull the ends and break the
napkin. Any napkin will prove difficult
(although not impossible) to tear. When
you try it however, you are able to tear
each napkin easily, impressing everyone
with your great strength once again.

Oh yea, I guess I should tell you how to
do this huh? When no one is looking, dip
your fingers into your water glass, or
just use the condensation that has
collected on the outside of the glass,
and moisten the center of the napkin.
You may have to do this a couple of
times. Once you have moistened the
napkin, the paper is reduced to the
original pulp and the fibers are so
weakened that they will pull apart
easily. With a little practice you will
be able to moisten the napkin without
anyone noticing while you are twisting
it into the rope-like shape.

– END FILE –

0

THE PUSH

A broom handle or similar object is held
parallel to the floor. Two or even more
men grasp it palms up. Drop a piece of
paper onto the floor and instruct the
men to touch the end of the broom handle
to the paper. Of course they do this
effortlessly.

Then challenge them.

State that with only two fingers you can
prevent them from doing that again.
After they laugh and accept your
challenge, place two fingers just inside
the hand closest to the end intended to
touch the paper. When they attempt to
touch the paper, they will instead find
themselves moving across the room. The
secret? Instead of pushing up as
everyone will expect. you push forward,
redirecting their force. Practice a few
times at home first.

Variation: Challenge a person as
follows. Have your victim take a broom
handle or similar object and hold it in
front of them, parallel with their own
body, handle end pointed downward. Tell
them to grip it with both hands and push
it to the floor. Again, this is done
effortlessly. Now tell them that you
can stop them from doing this with only
two fingers. Explain to them that they
cannot jerk the broom or use any quick
motion. Just a steady pressure.

When they accept the challenge, just
place your two fingers near the bottom
of the handle, closest to the floor and
when they begin to push down, YOU push
to the side, once again re-directing
their force. The handle goes everywhere
but down.

Another great one: Pick the largest
person in the room for this one. Hold a
broom handle in your hands, parallel to
the floor at about chest height. Grip
the handle about even with your
shoulders. Challenge this person,
saying that no matter how hard they push
against the broom handle, they will not
be able to move you backwards. Have
them grasp the handle just on the
outside of your hands and explain that
they must push with a steady pressure,
no quick motions, jerks or shoves. When
he begins to push, you simply redirect
the force either upwards or downwards
depending on the height of your
challenger. Gets them every time!

– END FILE –

0

From: JRP1@phoenix.cambridge.ac.uk (Jonathan R. Partington)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: How to be a Statistician (believed to be true)
Date: 12 Aug 90 10:30:03 GMT

A friend of a friend, who is a probabilist, made a bet that he
could write a publishable paper in Statistics within 24 hours.

He did this as follows: first of all he went to his filing
cabinet and found some unfinished work on probability
distributions which he’d given up because he couldn’t prove
anything. He then invented a ‘cover story’ involving sheep and
fruit trees, and wrote a Statistical paper on the subject,
including the results he couldn’t prove together with ‘heuristic’
arguments, i.e. hand-waving. He then sent it to a well-known
journal which shall remain nameless but for the sake of argument
we’ll call Biometrika.

Some time after he received an acceptance letter for his
content-free paper, with a comment from the editor that he hoped
the author would revise the paper to make it less theoretical. So
he had won his bet.

0

FROM: Barbara Bennett
SUBJECT: The Social Security Number

SSA has continually emphasized the fact that the SSN identifies a particular
record only and the Social Security Card indicates the person whose record
is identified by that number. In no way can the Social Security Card identify
the bearer. From 1946 to 1972 the legend “Not for Identification” was printed
on the face of the card. However, many people ignored the message and the
legend was eventually dropped. The social security number is the most widely
used and carefully controlled number in the country, which makes it an
attractive identifier.

With the exception of the restrictions imposed on Federal and some State
and local organizations by the Privacy Act of 1974, organizations requiring
a unique identifier for purposes of controlling their records are not
prohibited from using (with the consent of the holder) the SSN. SSA records
are confidential and knowledge of a person’s SSN does not give the user access
to information in SSA files which is confidential by law.

Many commercial enterprises have used the SSN in various promotional efforts.
These uses are not authorized by SSA, but SSA has no authority to prohibit
such activities as most are not illegal. Some of these unauthorized uses are:
SSN contests; skip-tracers; sale or distribution of plastic or metal cards;
pocketbook numbers (the numbers used on sample social security cards in
wallets); misleading advertising, commercial enterprises charging fees for
SSN services; identification of personal property.

The Social Security Number (SSN) is composed of 3 parts, XXX-XX-XXXX, called
the Area, Group, and Serial. For the most part, (there are exceptions), the
Area is determined by where the individual APPLIED for SSN (before 1972) or
RESIDED at time of application (after 1972). The areas are assigned follows:

000 unused 387-399 WI 528-529 UT
001-003 NH 400-407 KY 530 NV
004-007 ME 408-415 TN 531-539 WA
008-009 VT 416-424 AL 540-544 OR
010-034 MA 425-428 MS 545-573 CA
035-039 RI 429-432 AR 574 AK
040-049 CT 433-439 LA 575-576 HI
050-134 NY 440-448 OK 577-579 DC
135-158 NJ 449-467 TX 580 VI Virgin Islands
159-211 PA 468-477 MN 581-584 PR Puerto Rico
212-220 MD 478-485 IA 585 NM
221-222 DE 486-500 MO 586 PI Pacific Islands*
223-231 VA 501-502 ND 587-588 MS
232-236 WV 503-504 SD 589-595 FL
237-246 NC 505-508 NE 596-599 PR Puerto Rico
247-251 SC 509-515 KS 600-601 AZ
252-260 GA 516-517 MT 602-626 CA
261-267 FL 518-519 ID *Guam, American Samoa,
268-302 OH 520 WY Northern Mariana Islands,
303-317 IN 521-524 CO Philippine Islands
318-361 IL 525 NM
362-386 MI 526-527 AZ

627-699 unassigned, for future use

700-728 Railroad workers through 1963, then discontinued
729-899 unassigned, for future use
900-999 not valid SSNs, but were used for program purposes
when state aid to the aged, blind and disabled was
converted to a federal program administered by SSA.

As the Areas assigned to a locality are exhausted, new areas from the pool
are assigned. This is why some states have non-contiguous groups of Areas.

The Group portion of the SSN has no meaning other than to
determine whether or not a number has been assigned. SSA
publishes a list every month of the highest group assigned for
each SSN Area. The order of assignment for the Groups is: odd
numbers under 10, even numbers over 9, even numbers under 9
except for 00 which is never used, and odd numbers over 10. For
example, if the highest group assigned for area 999 is 72, then
we know that the number 999-04-1234 is an invalid number because
even Groups under 9 have not yet been assigned.

The Serial portion of the SSN has no meaning. The Serial is not
assigned in strictly numerical order. The Serial 0000 is never assigned.

Before 1973, Social Security Cards with pre-printed numbers were issued to
each local SSA office. The numbers were assigned by the local office. In 1973,
SSN assignment was automated and outstanding stocks of pre-printed cards were
destroyed. All SSNs are now assigned by computer from headquarters. There are
rare cases in which the computer system can be forced to accept a
manual assignment such as a person refusing a number with 666 in it!

A pamphlet entitled “The Social Security Number” (Pub. No.
05-10633) provides an explanation of the SSN’s structure and
the method of assigning and validating Social Security numbers.

0

Newsgroups: alt.quotations
From: noel@reg.triumf.ca (NOEL GIFFIN)
Subject: Malapropes, mixed metaphor, Spoonerisms, etc
Date: 1 Feb 1993 19:11 PST
Organization: TRIUMF: Tri-University Meson Facility
Message-ID:
Keywords: malapropes, mixed metaphor, spoonerism
Lines: 211

Well I have been collecting these screwed up expressions for a number of years
now and it has become an interesting list. They are all uttered by one of my
co-workers. He has achieved legend status within our group and it has become
a game to pick up on the next fractured phrase. They are all malapropes, mixed
metaphor, spoonerisms or some twist of this kind. I think he is an unconscious
genious. We catch ourselves uttering our own now and don’t know whether they
are a universal plague on the language or he has affected only his immediate
surroundings. There have been lot’s we’ve missed I’m sure, but here is a short
list of his best one’s. They are in no order except a loose chronological
one. I have placed translations beside them to lend some aid in understanding
when taken out of context.

I post them here for your enjoyment.

Noel@reg.triumf.ca

================================================================================
T. P. MOSKVEN’S “SEMITICS”
================================================================================
MOSKVENESE | ENGLISH
(What he said) | What he meant
——————————————————————————–
MOVIE MONGUL | MOVIE MOGUL
——————————————————————————–
THE SITCOM SATELLITE | SATCOM SATELLITE
——————————————————————————–
GETTING SEDIMENTARY | SEDENTARY
——————————————————————————–
OBNOXIOUS GAS | NOXIOUS GAS
——————————————————————————–
GROPER | GROUPER (fish)
——————————————————————————–
ART DECOR | ART DECO
——————————————————————————–
THE “CLOVERLEAF” IS THE | “SHAMROCK”/ “POTATOE”
VEGETABLE OF IRELAND | SYMBOL/ STAPLE
——————————————————————————–
SHEET METAL MUSIC | SHEET MUSIC /
| HEAVY METAL MUSIC
——————————————————————————–
JACOB’S SHIRT OF MANY COLOURS | JOSEPH’S COAT …
——————————————————————————–
MALAMUTT | MALAMUTE
——————————————————————————–
OLD GIZZARDS | BUZZARDS/GEEZERS
——————————————————————————–
THE MOVIE “REAR VIEW MIRROR” | HITCHCOCK’S “REAR WINDOW”
——————————————————————————–
A SESAME SEED PHONE | SESAME STREET PHONE
——————————————————————————–
3 OF 1, 2 OF THE OTHER | 6 OF 1, HALF A DOZEN…
——————————————————————————–
DEAD MAN’S SPACE | NO MAN’S LAND
——————————————————————————–
ARMCHAIR CASE | BASKET CASE
——————————————————————————–
OUT OF MIND, OUT OF SIGHT | OUT OF SIGHT, OUT OF MIND
——————————————————————————–
KLUTZOMANIAC | AN INEPT PERSON
——————————————————————————–
THE “PIAF” SEWING MACHINE | A “PFAFF” or a “SINGER”
——————————————————————————–
COMMUTING WITH NATURE | COMMUNING WITH NATURE
——————————————————————————–
POPULAR TREE | POPLAR TREE
——————————————————————————–
LAUGHING AT THE BANK | LAUGHING ALL THE WAY TO THE …
——————————————————————————–
THE BATTLE OF RUNAMOCK | THE BATTLE OF TIPPACANOE
——————————————————————————–
HE’S GOT IT DOWN PITTER PAT | GOT IT DOWN PAT
——————————————————————————–
HITCH-HIKING IN EUROPE IS RISQUE | RISKY
——————————————————————————–
THAT’S A HAIRBALL IDEA | HAIRBRAINED IDEA
——————————————————————————–
NORWEDISH | SWEDIEGIAN (Scandanavian)
——————————————————————————–
HE SMOKES LIKE A FISH | …LIKE A CHIMNEY / DRINKS LIKE …
——————————————————————————–
THAT JUST GOES WITHOUT REASON | GOES WITHOUT SAYING
——————————————————————————–
HE WOULDN’T GIVE YOU THE | …. THE TIME OF DAY
LIGHT OF DAY |
——————————————————————————–
MY JACKET FITS LIKE A MATCH | IT FITS LIKE A GLOVE
——————————————————————————–
YOU BUY WHAT YOU PAY FOR | YOU GET WHAT YOU PAY FOR
——————————————————————————–
YOU BUY WHAT YOU GET | ” ” ” ”
——————————————————————————–
WHATEVER GRINDS YOUR CRANK | WHATEVER TURNS YOUR CRANK
——————————————————————————–
COUNT PEOPLE WITH A TURNBUCKLE | A TURNSTYLE
——————————————————————————–
USING AN ANTIDEODERANT | AN ANTIPERSPIRANT
——————————————————————————–
ROUGHRIDERS IN THE SKY | THE SONG, “GHOST RIDERS …”
——————————————————————————–
GARNISH HIS WAGES | GARNISHEE HIS WAGES
——————————————————————————–
PUT THE FLOOR TO THE METAL / | PUT THE PEDAL TO THE METAL
PUT THE METAL TO THE PEDAL | ” ” ” ” ” ”
——————————————————————————–
I’LL FIX HIS SHORTS | FIX HIS WAGON
——————————————————————————–
THAT BEATS THE CAKE | THAT TAKES THE CAKE
——————————————————————————–
GOSSIPING BITTERSNIPE | GUTTERSNIPE
——————————————————————————–
APROXAMINUS ONE OR TWO | PLUS OR MINUS ONE OR TWO
——————————————————————————–
A BURJELEAUX | A BURGUNDY,BEAUJELAIS,BORDEAUX
——————————————————————————–
SOMEONE WITH A DARK VOICE | A DEEP VOICE
——————————————————————————–
DON’T KNOCK TILL YOU TRY IT | DON’T KNOCK IT TILL YOU TRY IT!
——————————————————————————–
A WHOLE RIFF-RAFF OF STUFF | A WHOLE RAFT OF THINGS
——————————————————————————–
A BRANDY SNIFFER | A BRANDY SNIFTER
——————————————————————————–
THE COLONEL BOOGIE MARCH | THE COLONEL BOGEY MARCH
——————————————————————————–
THAT’S A REAL PILE OF CROCK | THAT’S A CROCK OF ….
——————————————————————————–
HYDROGLYPHICS | HYRAGLYPHICS
——————————————————————————–
EATING WITH YOUR MOUTH FULL | SPEAKING WITH YOUR MOUTH FULL
——————————————————————————–
IT’S AN ACQUIRED SMELL | AN AQUIRED TASTE
——————————————————————————–
LIKE AN OFFSIDE CARTOON | LARSON’S FARSIDE CARTOONS
——————————————————————————–
DON’T RUFFLE THE BOAT | DON’T ROCK THE BOAT /
| RUFFLE HIS FEATHERS
——————————————————————————–
NO USE BEATING DEAD WOOD | NO USE BEATING A DEAD HORSE
——————————————————————————–
THROW IN THE HAT | THROW IN THE TOWEL /
| THROW YOUR HAT IN THE RING
——————————————————————————–
RIDING MISS DAISY | DRIVING MISS DAISY (x-rated?)
——————————————————————————–
CUTTING OUT THE DRIFTWOOD | CUTTING OUT THE DEADWOOD
——————————————————————————–
FEELING A LITTLE SPERKY THIS MORNING | FEELING PERKY, SPUNKY
——————————————————————————–
THE MOVIE “TWO LEFT FEET” | “MY LEFT FOOT”
——————————————————————————–
SHORT MAN ON A TOTEM POLE | LOW MAN ON A TOTEM POLE
——————————————————————————–
THE CLUB SCOUTS OF AMERICA | CUB SCOUTS/ BOYS CLUB…
——————————————————————————–
THE GOVERNMENT WILL QUAKE IN | … CAVE IN (LANDSLIDE?)
——————————————————————————–
KARRAMESH | MARRAKESH
——————————————————————————–
TRYING TO BLAME THE FINGER AT ME | POINT THE FINGER / PUT THE BLAME
——————————————————————————–
I’LL SEE IT WHEN I BELIEVE IT! | SEEING IS BELIEVING/
| I’LL BELIEVE IT WHEN I SEE IT
——————————————————————————–
THE MAN FROM WINDY RIVER | THE MAN FROM SNOWY RIVER
——————————————————————————–
SNORING LIKE A TROOPER | SWEARING LIKE A TROOPER
——————————————————————————–
STUFF IT UP YOUR OVERCOAT | BUTTON UP YOUR OVERCOAT
——————————————————————————–
THE ODDEST BALL PEOPLE | ODDBALL PEOPLE
——————————————————————————–
IT WAS RIVETED WITH HOLES | RIDDLED WITH HOLES
——————————————————————————–
WORST WEATHER ON RECORDED RECORD | WORST ON RECORD
——————————————————————————–
HE’S GOT HIS FINGER ON THE THUMB | HIS FINGER ON THE PULSE OF IT/
OF IT | UNDER HIS THUMB
——————————————————————————–
PLAYING “BEGIN THE BENIGN” | THE SONG “BEGIN THE BEGUINE”
——————————————————————————–
STUDYING THE WRITINGS OF PLUTO | THE WRITINGS OF PLATO
——————————————————————————–
YOUR BARKING UP A DEAD TREE | BARKING UP THE WRONG TREE
——————————————————————————–
PEOPLE WITHOUT LEFT HANDS DON’T | LEFT HANDED PEOPLE DON’T LIVE
LIVE AS LONG! | LIVE AS LONG
——————————————————————————–
YOU CAN LOOK AT A GLANCE THAT | TELL AT A GLANCE THINGS AREN’T
THINGS AREN’T RIGHT. |
——————————————————————————–
MY STEREO SPEAKERS HAVE A | A CROSS OVER NETWORK
PASSOVER NETWORK |
——————————————————————————–
SOLDIERS ARMED TO THE CORE | A ARMY CORPS ARMED TO THE TEETH
——————————————————————————–
GOING AT IT LIKE BEAVERS | GOING AT IT LIKE RABBITS
——————————————————————————–
PUT YOUR AXE TO THE GRINDSTONE | NOSE TO THE GRINDSTONE /
| HAVE AN AXE TO GRIND
——————————————————————————–
HE WAS HOT AS A TOAD | HOT AS A FIRECRACKER /
| COLD AS A FISH /
| COOL AS A CUCUMBER
——————————————————————————–
YOU CAN’T CHANGE AN OLD HORSE | YOU CAN’T TEACH AN OLD DOG …
——————————————————————————–
THE EXTENSION OF THE DINOSAURS | EXTINCTION OF THE DINOSAURS
——————————————————————————–
MONEY IS NO EXPENSE | MONEY IS NO OBJECT
——————————————————————————–

0

The Cat Family

Family Genus/Subgenus Species Common Name
ННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННН
Felidae
і
ГДДДД Acinonyx ДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДД Jubatus ДДДДДДДДДДДД Cheetah
і
ГДДДД Felis
і і
і ГДД Otocolobus ДДДДДДДДДДД Manul ДДДДДДДДДДДДДД Pallas’ Cat
і і
і ГДД Profelis ДДДДДДДДДДДДД Aurata ДДДДДДДДДДДДД African Golden Cat
і і і
і і АДД Temmincki ДДДД Temminck’s Golden Cat
і і
і ГДД Prionailurus ДДДДДДДДД Viverrina ДДДДДДДДДД Fishing Cat
і і і і
і і і ГДД Bengalensis ДД Leopard Cat
і і і і
і і і АДД Rubiginosa ДДД RustyДSpotted Cat
і і і
і і ГДД Ictailurus ДДДДД Planiceps ДДДДДДДДДД FlatДHeaded Cat
і і і
і і ГДД Herpailurus ДДДД Yagouaroundi ДДДДДДД Jaguarundi
і і і
і і ГДД Oreailurus ДДДДД Jocobita ДДДДДДДДДДД Mountain Cat
і і і
і і ГДД Lynchailurus ДДД Colocolo ДДДДДДДДДДД Pampas Cat
і і і
і і ГДД Mayailurus ДДДДД Iriomotensis ДДДДДДД Iriomote Cat
і і і
і і АДД Leptailurus ДДДД Serval ДДДДДДДДДДДДД Serval
і і
і ГДД Pardofelis ДДДДДДДДДДД Marmorata ДДДДДДДДДД Marbled Cat
і і і
і і АДД Badia ДДДДДДДД Bay Cat
і і
і ГДД Oncifelis ДДДДДДДДДДДД Guigna ДДДДДДДДДДДДД Kodkod
і і
і ГДД Lynx ДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДД Lynx ДДДДДДДДДДДДДДД Northern Lynx
і і і і
і і і ГДД Pardina ДДДДДД Spanish Lynx
і і і і
і і і АДД Rufus ДДДДДДДД Bobcat
і і і
і і АДД Caracal ДДДДДДДД Caracal ДДДДДДДДДДДД Caracal
і і
і ГДД Leopardus ДДДДДДДДДДДД Pardalis ДДДДДДДДДДД Ocelot
і і і
і і ГДД Wiedii ДДДДДДД Margay
і і і
і і ГДД Tigrina ДДДДДД Tiger Cat
і і і

і і АДД Geoffroyi ДДДД Geoffroy’s Cat
і і
і ГДД Puma ДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДД Concolor ДДДДДДДДДДД Puma
і і
і АДД Felis ДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДД Sylvestris ДДДДДДДДД European Wildcat
і і
і ГДД Chaus ДДДДДДДД Jungle Cat
і і
і ГДД Negripes ДДДДД BlackДFooted Cat
і і
і ГДД Bieti ДДДДДДДД Chinese Desert Cat
і і
і ГДД Margarita ДДДД Sand Cat
і і
АДДДД Panthera АДД Lybica ДДДДДДД African Wildcat
і і
ГДД Panthera АДД Cattus Д Domestic Cat
і і
і ГДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДД Pardus ДДДДДДДДДДДДД Leopard
і і
і ГДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДД Tigris ДДДДДДДДДДДДД Tiger
і і
і ГДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДД Leo ДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДД Lion
і і
і АДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДД Onca ДДДДДДДДДДДДДДД Jaguar
і
ГДД Uncia ДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДД Uncia ДДДДДДДДДДДДДД Snow Leopard
і
АДД Neofelis ДДДДДДДДДДДДД Nebulosa ДДДДДДДДДДД Clouded Leopard

0

THE WILD CATS

R. Roger Breton
Nancy J Creek

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The Family of Cats

Technically, domestic cats belong to the class mammalia (mammals), the
order carnivora (meat-eaters), the family felidae (cats), the genus
felis (lesser cats), and the species cattus (domestic cats): that’s
our cat, felis cattus.

There are three genera of the family felidae: panthera, the large or
greater cats; acinonyx, the cheetahs; and felis, the small or lesser
cats. A fourth genus, smilodon, the saber-toothed tigers, just missed
by only 12,000 years: almost no time at all, geologically speaking.
Since there is of necessity a lot of discussion about cat sizes using
the terms “large” and “small,” we shall use the terms “greater” and
“lesser” in reference to the genera.

The terms “greater cats” and “lesser cats” refer to size only in
general: the larger lesser cats are larger than the smaller greater
cats. The most obvious difference between the two genera is that
greater cats can roar and the lesser cats cannot. The ability to roar
is determined by the structure of the throat: most significantly, the
small bones (the hyoid bones) that support the larynx. In the greater
cats, these bones have been partially replaced by cartilage, allowing
extraordinary flexibility of the throat and enabling the cat to roar.
In the lesser cats, these bones are rigid and roaring is impossible.
Contrast the deep-throated, deafening roar of a lion to the snarling
cough of a puma.

The genera are divided into species. Generally speaking, two dissimi-
lar animals belonging to the same genus are considered as belonging to
different species if they do not interbreed and produce viable off-
spring: they either physically cannot interbreed, such as a puma and
a housecat (boggles the mind, not to mention the housecat!); would not
interbreed naturally, such as a jaguar and a leopard, which just don’t
have the right smells and signals to inspire mating; or their off-
spring would be sterile, such as a lion and a tiger, whose offspring
is a “liger” if the father is a lion or a “tigon” if he is a tiger,
but is always sterile. Conversely, if two such animals do interbreed
and produce viable offspring, they naturally and quickly become the
same species even if they weren’t to start with — interbreeding will
do that sort of thing — though they may maintain enough differences
to be classed as separate subspecies.

There are some notable exceptions to this rule, particularly where man
has interfered. The species Geoffroy’s cat, for example, can physi-
cally mate with the domestic cat and produce viable offspring, but
would not normally do so in the wild, as the smells and signals are
wrong and the mating instinct would not be triggered. Man has suc-

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The Wild Cats Page 1

cessfully circumvented this, however, and produced viable offspring in
a attempt to produce cats with wild-cat patterns. Such hybrid off-
spring are usually treated as a subspecies of one species or the
other, based upon dominant characteristics: so far, only new subspe-
cies of Geoffroy’s cat have been produced, not new domestic cats.
This is not the case with other hybrids, most notably the Bengal is a
domestic cat-leopard cat hybrid.

Differing species come about through isolation. If some members of a
species become separated from the main body of their species by dis-
tance or natural obstruction, they will eventually evolve into a
different species, losing the ability to interbreed. All members of
the genus felis, subgenus felis, have a somewhat complex relationship
to each other. The parent species in this group is felis sylvestris,
the European wildcat, who first evolved some 600,000 years or so ago
in central Europe (where he can still be found). During the Second
Ice Age, he extended his domain into Africa and Asia. As the ice
receded the seas rose and the climates changed, the immigrant species
became isolated from each other by water, deserts, and mountains.
Over time, the isolated subspecies evolved into the Sand Cat, the
African Wildcat, the Forest Cat, the Black-Footed Cat, and the Chinese
Desert Cat: other species also evolved, but failed to survive.

Species are themselves further divided into subspecies (if wild) or
breeds (if domesticated): the two classifications are analogous to
each other. We should remember that panthera leo azandica (the Congo
Lion) has exactly the same relationship to panthera leo that Siamese
Cat has to felis cattus. Don’t be fooled by the Latin: if a zoolo-
gist set up a “zoo” of domestic cats, he’d find a Latin or Greek word
for “Siamese,” tack it on the end of “felis cattus,” and call it a
subspecies. It would still be a breed.

All felids, regardless of genus or species, have certain basic things
in common. In appearance, they all look like cats. While this may be
arguable in the case of the Jaguarundi and, to a lesser degree, the
Flat-Headed Cat, it is definitely not true of some other families:
all members of the canid (dog) family, for example, do not look like
dogs (not even all dogs look like dogs!).

Besides a similarity of appearance, all cats have retractable claws:
even the cheetah, the most primitive of all modern cats, has partial-
ly-retractable claws.

The most cat-unique common characteristic, however, is purring: all
cats, and nothing but cats, purr. For some time it was believed that
the greater cats didn’t purr: some texts still say this even today.
This is patently not true, all cats purr: lions purr, tigers purr,
cheetahs purr, leopards purr, jaguars purr, pumas purr, bobcats purr,
domestic cats purr; all cats purr, without exception. This alone
proves common ancestry: probably pseudailurus, 28 million years ago,
or dinictis, 40 million years ago, depending upon whether saber-
toothed tigers purred, something our own Neanderthal and Cro-Magnon
ancestors failed to note. There are also a whole slew of internal
similarities, as would be expected.

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The Wild Cats Page 2

Besides the biological similarities among cats, which one would ex-
pect, there is one other distinguishing characteristics. Wherever it
has adapted, in whatever ecological niche in whatever part of the
world, the cat reigns supreme among carnivores in its size class. It
is the penultimate hunter, with a finely-honed stalking and killing
ability that other carnivores can only dream about. The typical
member of family felidae scores in 30 percent of its hunts: no other
carnivore, including man, comes close. It is also a merciful hunter,
killing quickly and cleanly by severing the spinal column of its prey
and minimizing the pain and suffering.

Some zoologists break the three genera down further into subgenera
based upon subtle or newly-discovered differences. As an example, the
subgenus leopardus, the South American lesser cats, have 36 chromo-
somes instead of the usual 38, (probably through a fusion of two
chromosomal pairs). This is a major distinction, even though it is
invisible to the eye and depended upon modern technology for its
discovery, and is usually considered a legitimate subgenus. The
subgenus lynx, on the other hand, is based upon the lynx and its
relatives having short tails and tufted ears, a more obvious but also
more trifling distinction. The subgenus of a wild species is given in
brackets in the species list, and would replace the genus in nomencla-
ture: “felis [puma] concolor” may be “puma concolor” instead of
“felis concolor,” but never “felis puma concolor.” The relationships
between subgenera can be clearly seen in the family chart.

All species of cats have differing subspecies (breeds), not just the
domestic cat. There are, for example, nine subspecies of lions:

Panthera leo azandica: Congo Lion
Panthera leo bleyenberghi: Bleyenbergh’s Lion
Panthera leo hollisteri: Hollister’s Lion
Panthera leo massaicus: Massai Lion
Panthera leo persica: Persian Lion
Panthera leo roosevelti: Roosevelt’s Lion
Panthera leo senegalensis: Senegal Lion
Panthera leo somaliensis: Somalian Lion
Panthera leo verneyi: Verney’s Lion

The difference in lion subspecies reflects variations in size, color,
territory, etc., with the names coming from the discoverer, classifier
or territory. The number of recognized subspecies of a wild cat
species will be given, but individual subspecies will not be named.

One small footnote: don’t let the “scientific” name of the various
cats fool you. Zoologists are as silly as the rest of us when it
comes to naming things, but they hide their silliness behind a Latin
or Greek facade. As an example, the scientific name for the common
stripped skunk, mephitis mephitis, translates to “smelliest of the
smelly.”

In our own case, the Latin word “felis,” generic for “cat,” is derived
from the older Latin word “felix,” meaning “happy,” probably because

———————————————————————-
The Wild Cats Page 3

cats are not shy about letting the world know when they are happy,
which is most of the time: they purr (purring also makes the cat
owner feel happy). This means that “felis cattus” could be translated
as “happy cat” or “purring cat,” and the family “felidae” means “one
of those who are happy.” Deep stuff here!

In order to be fair, and to give the zoologists their due, the Romans
did call just any old cat “cattus,” and one of their cats “felix
cattus.” (No, “felix cattus” does not mean “Felix the Cat,” though
we can see where Otto Messmer may have gotten the name.)

The Species of Cat

All in all, there are 38 recognized species of cats: six greater
cats, panthera; one cheetah, acinonyx; and 31 lesser cats, felis,
including the domestic cat. All of them except the domestic cat (and
even some of those) have one thing in common: they are wild carni-
vores and will often bite and scratch when encountered (bigger ones
may also eat!). Count your fingers after petting!

A description of each of the 38 species is given. Considerable
thought went into the order in which the species should be listed.
Most lists give the greater cats, then the cheetah, then the lesser
cats, with the order within each genus being either the alphabetical
order of their English or Latin names or the territory in which they
were first discovered. None of this seemed to make sense here, so we
decided to list them by weight and size, largest to smallest. Alter-
nate English names are given after the primary name, and subgenera are
given in brackets. The weights and lengths shown are for average male
specimens of the various subspecies of each species: females tend to
be slightly smaller. Please remember that new subspecies, or even new
species (see the Iriomote cat), may be discovered at any time.

When taking the domestic cat as a species we intentionally chose to
use the typical feral cat a a model — one that has returned to the
wild state. Because of random interbreeding among feral domestic
breeds, the dominance of certain genes, and the non-survival charac-
teristic of certain traits, there has come to be estabished a definite
and distinctive species: the medium sized brown or red mackeral tabby
shorthair.

When discussing the subspecies (breeds) of the domestic cat taken as a
species, it is important to remember that several new breeds are
created each year, several breeds are discontinued each year, and
there is no agreement among “experts” as to what defines a new breed,
making the exact number of breeds impossible to compute. As an exam-
ple of this disagreement, a blue (grey) British Shorthair is usually
classed as a separate breed, the British Blue, but a black British
Shorthair is not. Overall, there is a definite upward trend in the
number of cat flavors.

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The Wild Cats Page 4

Tiger

Name: Tiger
Species: Panthera Tigris
Weight: 200-500 pounds
Head/Body: 60-72 inches
Tail: 24-36 inches
Subspecies: 7

The largest cat and one of the most powerful land carnivores in the
world (exceeded in strength but not speed by the Kodiak bear), the
tiger is a massively built cat of awesome size and power, with some
exceptional individuals reaching 800 pounds. Its distinctive coat is
white to orange-brown with black, brown, or grey stripes. Its small
round ears have black backs with a central white spot. The males of
some subspecies sport side whiskers.

The tiger may be found in all types of terrain of southern and south-
eastern Asia and of eastern Asia northward to Mongolia and Siberia,
where it hunts by night, from the ground, and seeks game of all types.
It is an excellent swimmer.

The tiger is the only truly striped cat, with a completely non-agouti
coat. All other striped cats are tabbies.

Lion

Name: Lion
Species: Panthera Leo
Weight: 300-500 pounds
Head/Body: 96-108 inches
Tail: 24-36 inches
Subspecies: 9

The lion is very large cat with a balanced and well-proportioned body
and a large head. Its coat varies from tawny to brownish-yellow with
a black-tipped tail and black patches on its ears. The males have a
heavy body-color, brown, or black mane.

The lion may be found in all parts of Africa south of the Sahara and
in the Gir Forest of India and, until recently, in all parts of the
Near East and on the Balkan and Iberian Peninsulas of Europe, where it
hunts by night or day, from the ground, and seeks game of all types.
The females do most of the hunting. It has been known to scavenge.

The lion is unique in that it is the only wild cat that lives in a
group, called a pride, consisting of one mature male and any number of
females, cubs, and immature males.

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The Wild Cats Page 5

Jaguar

Name: Jaguar
Species: Panthera Onca
Weight: 90-300 pounds
Head/Body: 72 inches
Tail: 22 inches
Subspecies: 8

The jaguar, often incorrectly called a panther (a panther is a leop-
ard), is a massive and powerfully built cat, with a deep-chested body
and a large head. Its coat is yellowish-brown with dark brown spots
in center-spotted rosettes. Some individuals are very dark brown,
almost black, effectively masking their spots.

The jaguar may be found near water in savannahs and forests in all
parts of North and South America south of the United States. The last
native jaguar in the U.S. died in the early 1960’s. It hunts by
twilight, from the ground, and seeks peccary, capybara, coypu, otter
and fish. It is an excellent swimmer.

Puma

Name: Puma, Mountain Lion, Cougar
Species: Felis [Puma] Concolor
Weight: 100-200 pounds
Head/Body: 48-60 inches
Tail: 28 inches
Subspecies: 29

The largest of the lesser cats, the puma, often incorrectly called a
panther (a panther is a leopard), is a large and powerful cat with a
graceful and narrow body and exceptionally strong legs. It is the
champion jumper among cats, able to execute a 30 ft. standing broad
jump or an 18 ft. jump straight up the face of a cliff. Its head is
small, with small rounded ears. Its has a distinctive call midway
between a cough and a snarl. Despite its size, it is a lesser cat and
cannot roar. Its coat is a uniform tawny color with lighter under-
parts and white on the chin and throat. It sports a white moustache.

The puma was until recently found in all parts of North and South
America except the arctic, but is rapidly vanishing from large por-
tions of the U.S. and Canada. It is strongly territorial, claiming an
exceptionally wide range, and is solitary even by cat standards,
avoiding its own kind except to mate. It hunts by day, primarily from
the ground but occasionally from high rocks, low cliffs, or trees, and
seeks deer, sheep, goats, peccary, capybara and other similarly-sized
game. It will occasionally stalk livestock when other prey is scarce.
It avoids humans and their settlements and farms when establishing its
territory, but is not shy about contact when a human moves into an
already established territory. It is intensely curious about every-
thing in its range, and has been known to enter houses on occasion,
even while occupied. In one recorded incident in Arizona, a puma

———————————————————————-
The Wild Cats Page 6

entered a house and stole the roast from the dinner table while the
couple was sitting there. They (probably wisely) opted not to move
nor to challenge its right to do so.

Old wives tales and Hollywood notwithstanding, there has never been a
substantiated case of a puma attacking a human, even a child, unless
cornered, injured, ill, or protecting its cubs. Hunters’ and ranch-
ers’ dogs are a different story, and do not fare well upon encounter.
Unfortunately, the hunters and ranchers usually take the dogs’ side.

An exceptionally gentle cat for one so large, the puma is easily
tamed, especially when taken as a cub, and does well in captivity.

Snow Leopard

Name: Snow Leopard, Ounce
Species: Panthera [Uncia] Uncia
Weight: 150 pounds
Head/Body: 41 inches
Tail: 35 inches
Subspecies: 1

A rare cat, the snow leopard is a large, graceful cat with a long,
lithe build. Its coat is smoke grey with dark grey spots in broken
rosettes.

The snow leopard may be found above the tree line in the high moun-
tains of central Asia, where it hunts by day, from the ground, and
seeks grazing animals and large birds.

Little is known about this cat, partly because of its rarity and
partly because of its habitat: only a brave, mountain-climbing zoolo-
gist can study it in the wild. Some zoologists classify the snow
leopard as a lesser cat, sticking with the genus uncia, as its hyoid
bones are intermediate between the two extremes: it can roar softly
(though louder than the clouded leopard). Most zoologists, however,
place it in the genus panthera, and classify it as a greater cat.

Leopard

Name: Leopard, Panther
Species: Panthera Pardus
Weight: 90-150 pounds
Head/Body: 48 inches
Tail: 24 inches
Subspecies: 15

The leopard or panther is a large, graceful cat with a long, lithe
build. Its coat is pale brown to yellowish-brown with dark brown
spots in rosettes. Some individuals are very dark brown, almost
black, effectively masking their spots and producing the famous black
panther.

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The Wild Cats Page 7

The leopard may be found in all parts of Africa south of the Sahara,
Asia east of the Indus and south of Mongolia, and Indonesia, where it
hunts by night, by twilight, and by day in late afternoon and early
morning, from the ground or from trees, often dropping silently on its
prey, and seeks large or small game of almost any type.

A solid-colored leaopard or “black panther” is often of a more agres-
sive nature than those with a spotted coat. This is because normal
spotted mothers tend to dislike solid-color cubs, often driving them
away prematurely. This ostracism produces mean-tempered, intolerant
individuals, just as it does with humans. No satisfactory explanation
has ever been given for this phenomenon.

Cheetah

Name: Cheetah
Species: Acinonyx Jubatus
Weight: 65-110 pounds
Head/Body: 48-60 inches
Tail: 20-30 inches
Subspecies: 6

The most primitive of all cats, evolving some 18 million years ago,
the cheetah is a tall, slim, long-legged cat, built along the lines of
the greyhound. Its claws are only semi-retractable, and it has a
distinctly dog-like muzzle. Its coat is yellowish-brown with dark
brown spots and a long white-tipped tail.

The cheetah may be found in open grassland and nearby forests in all
parts of Africa, the Middle East, and south-central Asia, where it
hunts by day, from the ground, and seeks antelope and other grazing
animals.

The cheetah is unique in several ways, and is the only member of genus
Acinonyx. It is easily tamed and trained to the hunt and is the
fastest four-footed animal on Earth, often achieving speeds in excess
of 80 mph for short distances.

There are some few zoologists who classify the cheetah as a lesser
cat, on the basis that it is definitely not a greater cat (can’t roar)
and must therefore be a lesser cat. These zoologists belong to the
“you can’t have a genus of one” school of biology. In our opinion,
this is total nonsense. The world abounds with single-species genera
— the tuatara, a New Zealand reptile unlike any other reptile that
isn’t already extinct and roughly related to other reptiles the way
the platypus is related to other mammals, comes to mind. Some of
these zoologists do write books, however, and do get their ideas in
print, which is why we mention them at all.

———————————————————————-
The Wild Cats Page 8

Clouded Leopard

Name: Clouded Leopard, Mint Leopard
Species: Panthera [Neofelis] Nebulosa
Weight: 40-66 pounds
Head/Body: 36-42 inches
Tail: 30-36 inches
Subspecies: 4

The clouded leopard is a slim, well proportioned, medium-sized cat.
Its coat varies from pale brown to rich brown with large irregular
blotches, said by the Chinese to resemble the shape of mint leaves
(hence the name mint leopard in China). Its head is banded, with
small, round, black ears with a central grey spot. Its underparts are
pale or white, and its tail is ringed in black.

The clouded leopard may be found in the dense forest and scrub of
southern and southeastern Asia, where it hunts by night or day, from
trees, dropping silently down onto its prey, and seeks medium-sized
game of all types. Completely at home in the trees, this cat is one
of the best climbers — the margay is arguably better, but is nowhere
near the same size — and can run up and down a tree like a huge
squirrel.

Some zoologists classify the clouded leopard as a lesser cat, sticking
with the genus neofelis, as its hyoid bones are intermediate between
the two extremes: it can only roar softly. Most zoologists, however,
place it in the genus panthera, and classify it as a greater cat.

Northern Lynx

Name: Northern Lynx, Lynx
Species: Felis [Lynx] Lynx
Weight: 30-65 pounds
Head/Body: 40 inches
Tail: 7 inches
Subspecies: 9

The northern lynx is a large cat with a powerful body, short, sturdy
legs, and a very short tail. It has a large head with side whiskers
and large tufted ears. Its coat is yellowish-brown fading to white on
its undersides, and may be spotted with dark brown: the presence of
spots and the spotting pattern varies considerably between subspecies.

The northern lynx may be found in the pine forests and thick scrub
south of the arctic in North America, Europe and Asia, where it hunts
by night, from the ground, and seeks rodents, birds, fish, small deer,
goats, and sheep.

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The Wild Cats Page 9

Spanish Lynx

Name: Spanish Lynx
Species: Felis [Lynx] Pardina
Weight: 54 pounds
Head/Body: 38 inches
Tail: 57 inches
Subspecies: 1

Very similar to but slightly smaller than the northern lynx, the
Spanish lynx is also a large cat with a powerful body, short, sturdy
legs, and a very short tail. It too has a large head with side whisk-
ers and large tufted ears. It has exceptionally keen eyesight, the
best of all the cats. Its coat is yellowish-brown fading to white on
its undersides, and is strikingly spotted with black.

The Spanish lynx may be found in the pine forests of the Iberian
peninsula, where it hunts by night, from the ground, and seeks ro-
dents, birds, fish, termites, and small deer, goats, and sheep.

Caracal

Name: Caracal, Caracal Lynx
Species: Felis [Caracal] Caracal
Weight: 35-50 pounds
Head/Body: 29 inches
Tail: 9 inches
Subspecies: 9

The largest African lesser cat and an exceptional climber and jumper,
the caracal is a slenderly built cat with long legs and a short,
sharply tapered tail. Its coat is reddish-brown with distinctive
tufted ears and white markings around its eyes and on its throat,
chin, and belly.

The caracal may be found in the deserts, scrub, savannahs, mountains
and rocky areas of Africa, Arabia, and southern Asia as far east as
India, where it hunts by night, from the ground, and seeks small
animals, birds of all sizes, and the young of the larger grazing
animals.

Serval

Name: Serval
Species: Felis [Leptailurus] Serval
Weight: 30-40 pounds
Head/Body: 32 inches
Tail: 16 inches
Subspecies: 14

The serval is a lightly built cat, with long legs, large ears, and
short tail. Its coat is light brown with dark spots, black-tipped

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The Wild Cats Page 10

tail, and black ears with distinctive white spots.

The serval may be found near water and in the reedbeds and marshes of
Algeria and Africa south of the Sahara, where it hunts by night, from
the ground, and seeks rodents, reptiles, birds, and small deer.

African Golden Cat

Name: African Golden Cat
Species: Felis [Profelis] Aurata
Weight: 30-40 pounds
Head/Body: 29 inches
Tail: 12 inches
Subspecies: 2

The African golden cat has a sturdy build, with long legs, large paws,
small head and short tail. Its coat has a wide range of colors, from
chestnut brown to silver grey, with white on its cheeks, chin, chest
belly and insides of its legs.

The African golden cat may be found in the dense forests and scrub of
central and west Africa, where it hunts by night and twilight, from
the ground, and seeks rodents, birds, and small deer.

Bobcat

Name: Bobcat, Bay Lynx, Wildcat
Species: Felis [Lynx] Rufus
Weight: 15-35 pounds
Head/Body: 30 inches
Tail: 6 inches
Subspecies: 11

The bobcat is proportioned like a small lynx, with a powerful body,
short, sturdy legs, and a very short tail. Its fairly large head has
large, sharply-pointed ears, tufted in some subspecies. Its buff coat
fades to white on its undersides and is barred and spotted on its
flanks, belly and legs with dark brown or black. The backs of its
ears are black.

The bobcat may be found in most terrain, short of actual desert, of
western North America from British Columbia to central Mexico. It is
very territorial, where it hunts by night, from the ground or trees,
and seeks rabbits, gophers, and other small animals.

Prior to the settlement of its territory by Europeans, the bobcat
ranged over a much wider area of the U.S. and Canada. This is the
wildcat that a mountain man was supposed to be able to whup his weight
in.

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The Wild Cats Page 11

Jungle Cat

Name: Jungle Cat
Species: Felis Chaus
Weight: 16-30 pounds
Head/Body: 24-30 inches
Tail: 9-12 inches
Subspecies: 9

Possibly one of the ancestors of the domestic cat, the jungle cat is a
well proportioned cat with a sturdy build and definite cat-like move-
ments and actions. It is definitely a mutated felis sylvestris. Its
coat is sandy grey to tawny red with pale stripped-tabby body markings
(more pronounced in kittens) with darker, almost black tabby-type
facial markings, dorsal stripe, and tail tip.

The jungle cat may be found in the jungles, woodlands, scrub, reedbeds
and marshes of Egypt and southern Asia. Often found living in and
around human settlements and farms. It hunts by night or day, from
the ground, and seeks rodents, reptiles, birds, and other small ani-
mals.

Ocelot

Name: Ocelot
Species: Felis [Leopardus] Pardalis
Weight: 12-30 pounds
Head/Body: 35 inches
Tail: 16 inches
Subspecies: 11

The ocelot is a medium-sized cat with a graceful body, long, powerful
legs, and a short tail. Its coat is a soft creamy yellow with strik-
ing center-spotted rosettes of black with a soft brown color inside
the rosette. The rosettes often link up to form chains. Its head is
boldly marked with black spots and bars. Its tail is heavily ringed
with a black tip.

The ocelot may be found in any type of cover from thorny chapparal to
jungle, but never in the open, of North and South America south of the
United States, where it hunts by night, from the ground, but spends
the day secure in high trees, and seeks birds, deer, peccary, coati
mundi, agouti and other small mammals.

This cat has a severe handicap in being one of the most beautiful of
all cats. As a result it has been hunted to near-extinction for its
pelt, in spite of being a protected species in most countries. It is
believed that not all subspecies currently remain.

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The Wild Cats Page 12

European Wildcat

Name: European Wildcat
Species: Felis Silvestris
Weight: 10-30 pounds
Head/Body: 22-28 inches
Tail: 12 inches
Subspecies: 7

An older species, evolving about 650,000 years ago, the European
wildcat is in the direct ancestral line of the domestic cat (our cats)
and is the parent species for several related small cats, most notably
felis lybica, which it strongly resembles. It is about one-third
larger than a feral domestic cat and resembles it in both build and
coat. It is often mistaken for a large tabby with disastrous results,
as it is not at all friendly (somewhat vicious, in fact). Its coat is
long and thick, to protect it from harsh European winters, and is
colored and marked identically to your basic brown stripped-tabby
alleycat.

The European wildcat may be found in all parts of Europe and Asia west
of the Urals and the Caspian except the arctic. It is not afraid of
humans and will live on the outskirts of cities scavenging in garbage
bins (much as do raccoons and coyotes in the U.S.). It is very pro-
lific and a long way from being endangered, even though its territory
is diminishing as more and more of Europe is converted to city and
suburbs. It hunts by twilight, from the ground, and seeks rats,
squirrels, birds, small deer, domestic cats, small dogs, and poultry.
It is usually considered vermin by farmers and villagers.

Fishing Cat

Name: Fishing Cat
Species: Felis [Prionailurus] Viverrina
Weight: 25 pounds
Head/Body: 32 inches
Tail: 12 inches
Subspecies: 1

The fishing cat has a long, sinuous body, almost civit-like in appear-
ance, with relatively short legs and a somewhat flattened tail. It
forepaws have unusually long phalanges (toes) and claws. Its claws
extend considerably from their sheaths even when fully retracted. All
four feet are webbed. Its coat is light brown with dark brown irregu-
lar spots, fading to white underneath. The backs of its ears are
black with a central white spot.

The fishing cat may be found in the marshes and swamps of southern and
southeastern Asia. It avoids human settlements, where it hunts by
day, in the water and from the ground, and seeks fish, crayfish,
mollusks, rodents, reptiles and other small animals. It is the best
swimmer of all cats, catching fish by pursuit and using its long claws
as fishhooks.

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The Wild Cats Page 13

Temminck’s Golden Cat

Name: Temminck’s Golden Cat, Asiatic Golden Cat
Species: Felis [Profelis] Temmincki
Weight: 14-25 pounds
Head/Body: 31-35 inches
Tail: 19-20 inches
Subspecies: 3

Temminck’s golden cat is a medium-sized, well-proportioned cat with
short round ears, about twice the size of a cat. It has a strikingly
beautiful appearance, with a deep-golden coat fading to white on its
undersides. In some subspecies, there is an absence of spotting,
while in others faint brown spotting is evidenced. An occasional
individual will be very dark brown, almost black. There is a distinc-
tive grey patch behind each ear, while a white line bordered in black
runs from each eye to the top of its head.

Temminck’s golden cat may be found in the forests and rocky areas of
Asia from the Himalayas to the Maylay Peninsula, where it hunts by
day, from the ground, and seeks game of all types up to the size of
small deer.

Flat-Headed Cat

Name: Flat-Headed Cat
Species: Felis [Ictailurus] Planiceps
Weight: 12-18 pounds
Head/Body: 22 inches
Tail: 7 inches
Subspecies: 1

A very unusual cat, the flat-headed cat is omniverous, being equally
content with prey or vegetation. It is about the size of the domestic
cat, but with a very long body, short legs and tail, and a broad, flat
head with a ridge formed by the nasal bones and small round ears. Its
coat is reddish-brown to dark brown, with a yellowish-brown face and
white underparts. The underside of its tail is yellowish-brown.

The flat-headed cat may be found in the forests and scrub of south-
eastern Asia, often near human habitation and farms, where it hunts by
night, from the ground, and seeks rodents, frogs, other small animals,
fruit, sweet potatoes, and other legumes. It often raids garbage cans
and gardens, and fills the ecological niche that in other parts of the
world is filled by raccoons, weasels, and stoats.

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The Wild Cats Page 14

African Wildcat

Name: African Wildcat
Species: Felis Lybica
Weight: 10-18 pounds
Head/Body: 24 inches
Tail: 12 inches
Subspecies: 11

The primary ancestor of the domestic cat (and our cats), whom it
resembles, the average African wildcat has a more sturdy build and is
slightly larger than the average domestic cat — though not as large
as some of the bred-for-size subspecies. Its coat is light brown to
light yellowish-brown with stripped-tabby markings. Cats with darker
tabby markings, similar to tabby cats, are found in forested areas,
while cats with paler markings are found in grasslands.

The African wildcat may be found throughout Africa and the Middle
East, Asia as far east as India, and the islands of Corsica, Sardinia,
and Majorca. It is often found around human settlements and farms.
It hunts by night, usually on the ground but sometimes from trees and
bushes, and seeks rodents, reptiles, birds and insects.

The African wildcat is very easily tamed, especially when taken as a
kitten, and many farmers in its range have African wildcats in lieu
of domestic cats.

Margay

Name: Margay, Marguey, Tree Ocelot
Species: Felis [Leopardus] Wiedii
Weight: 9-18 pounds
Head/Body: 26 inches
Tail: 16 inches
Subspecies: 11

The margay has a slim, graceful body with long legs and a long tail.
Its coat is a light yellowish-brown with striking dark brown irregular
spots, which may form rosettes. Its tail is ringed.

The margay may be found in the forests of the Yucatan and Central and
South America, and one subspecies near the Texas-Mexico border, where
it hunts by day, from trees, and seeks small mammals, birds, tree
frogs, and lizards.

The margay is without question the best climber of all cats. It runs
up and down the trees like a squirrel, virtually living in them from
birth to death — which is almost never by falling. So well adapted
is the margay to arboreal life that its feet are extraordinarily
flexible, with the hind feet capable of turning completely around.
Its claws are also exceptionally strong and sharp. It is not unusual
for a margay to be discovered hanging head downward from one hind foot
while it catches a quick nap seventy feet in the air.

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The Wild Cats Page 15

Jaguarundi

Name: Jaguarundi, Jaguarondi, Weasel Cat
Species: Felis [Herpailurus] Yagouaroundi
Weight: 16 pounds
Head/Body: 26 inches
Tail: 18 inches
Subspecies: 8

Often mistaken for an otter because of its peculiar shape and appear-
ance, the jaguarundi has a long sinuous body, very short legs, a
flattened tail, and a long flattened head with a short nose and very
small low-set round ears. Similar to the flat-headed cat but even
more extreme in appearance. Its coat comes in two color phases,
brownish-grey to black and bright reddish-brown, which readily inter-
breed, producing young of both phases in their litter. Both phases
shade to white on their undersides.

The jaguarundi may be found in lowland forests, scrub and chapparal of
South America and North America south of the southwestern United
States, where it hunts by night and by day in the afternoon, from the
ground, and seeks mainly birds and the occasional rodent. It fills
the same ecological niche as the raccoon, weasel, otter, or
stoat, and occasionally has territorial clashes with them.

Feral Domestic Cat

Name: Feral Domestic Cat
Species: Felis Cattus — formerly Felis Domestica
Weight: 8-15 pounds
Head/Body: 12-24 inches
Tail: 5-10 inches
Subspecies: Legion.

Due to the fact that this is a truly domesticated animal, subject to
human breeding programs, normal criteria do not apply. Many of the
“breeds” (subspecies) are merely color variations of the same basic
breeds. Programs are also under way to introduce new and exotic
colors and body types, as well as to produce smaller and larger varie-
ties of existing breeds. When deprived of human companionship, the
domestic cat will revert to the wild state: such a cat is said to be
feral. When this occurs, it will, within the course of a few genera-
tions, lose most of its man-introduced and artificially-maintained
recessive characteristics, and stabilize as a small, muscular cat of a
definite type and coloration. This body type and coloration can be
seen in the common alleycat, which is merely a feral or semiferal cat
still residing around people.

Among those features that quickly vanish are the Persian skull struc-
ture, the Siamese body type, long hair, and other recessive character-
istics. The Persian flat-faced (Pekingese) skull inhibits the sense
of smell and decreases visual acuity. Cats of this type left on their
own seldom live long enough to breed. The long, lean Siamese body

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The Wild Cats Page 16

type, while graceful, simply cannot withstand a good cat-fight with a
15 pound alleycat, and will fail during territorial and courtship
battles.

Several coat characteristics desired by man, such as Siamese colora-
tion or long, silky hair, are recessive and will quickly disappear
unless constantly maintained by careful breeding. Feral cats do
partake in a selective breeding program, but their only criteria is
survival.

The ordinary mackerel-stripped tabby in black-brown or orange are the
dominant coat patterns and colors, though there will always be some
individuals with solid black or dark-brown coats. All other patterns
and colors are recessive and will vanish.

Non-albino white is a dominant color, but is poor camouflage for a
hunter (except, perhaps, in the snow): white cats are often deaf,
which is definitely not a survival characteristic.

The feral domestic cat will continue to be found around man. The
reasons for this are not as obvious as one would think. While a good
hunter and fighter, a feral cat is simply not in a class with its wild
cousins. When it leaves the haunts of mankind it is bound to meet up
with a bobcat, a European wildcat, or some other kin, and the reunion
is usually very hard on the feral cat. By becoming domesticated and
accepting cathood, felis cattus has given up his independence forever.

There is an exception to this. Where man has already driven away
competing wild cats, the feral cat quickly rises to the top of the
ecological heap for his size class.

The feral cat will hunt by day or night, from the ground, and will
seek mice, rats, squirrels, birds, lizards, and other small animals.
In times of famine it will become cannibalistic.

Unlike other wild cats, with the exception of the lion, the feral cat
will often be found in groups, called clowders. The feral clowder
bonds together for mutual comfort and affection, but will seldom hunt
together or band in mutual defense against a common enemy. It is as
though his connection with man has introduced the domestic cat, feral
or otherwise, to the benefits of love and companionship, but has not
yet overcome the solitary hunting and fighting instincts.

A word of caution: don’t be fooled by appearance into thinking of a
feral domestic cat as someone’s pet. Even though it may look exactly
like Old-Tom-Sleeping-by-the-Fire, it is a truly wild animal and may
very quickly and very efficiently shred an extended hand or arm.

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The Wild Cats Page 17

Mountain Cat

Name: Mountain Cat, Andean Highland Cat
Species: Felis [Oreailurus] Jocobita
Weight: 8-15 pounds
Head/Body: 23 inches
Tail: 14 inches
Subspecies: 1

The mountain cat is similar to a cat in size and build. Its coat is
of a very fine silky texture, about two inches in length, and of a
pale silver or reddish-grey color fading to white on the undersides.
It has faint brown or ochre tabby-like markings on its body and flanks
which may darken to almost black on its undersides and legs. Its tail
is ringed with dark brown or black, with the tip always the body
color. Its ears are grey.

The mountain cat may be found in arid regions of the high Andes,
sometimes above the snow line, of Peru and northern Chile and Argenti-
na, where it hunts by day, from the ground, and seeks chinchilla,
viscacha, and other small mammals.

Leopard cat

Name: Leopard Cat, Bengal Cat
Species: Felis [Prionailurus] Bengalensis
Weight: 7-15 pounds
Head/Body: 25-32 inches
Tail: 10-14 inches
Subspecies: 7

The leopard cat is cat sized and shaped, with a well-balanced carriage
and build. Its coat varies in ground color from grey to red with
white or very light underparts. It is randomly patterned with dark
brown or black spots over its entire body. Its head has strong black
and white striped markings.

The leopard cat may be found all over southern and central Asia from
India to the Philippines, Mongolia, Manchuria, Siberia and Japan,
where it hunts by night or day, from trees, and seeks game birds,
fish, squirrels, hares, and other small animals.

One interesting fact about the leopard cat is that is the only wild
cat to be successfully used in a domestic-wild hybrid breeding program
in recent years, giving rise to the beautiful and mild-mannered Bengal
breed.

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The Wild Cats Page 18

Pampas Cat

Name: Pampas Cat, Grass Cat
Species: Felis [Lynchailurus] Colocolo
Weight: 8-14 pounds
Head/Body: 24 inches
Tail: 12 inches
Subspecies: 7

The pampas cat is a small cat, about the size of a cat, with a broad
face and large pointed ears. Its coat varies from a silvery grey,
through all tones of yellow and yellowish-brown, to a light brown,
with the flanks, legs, and tail banded with a darker variation of the
body color.

The pampas cat may be found in the open grasslands and high pampas of
southern South America east of the Andes, where it hunts by night,
from the ground, and seeks birds, cavies and other small animals.

Chinese Desert Cat

Name: Chinese Desert Cat
Species: Felis Bieti
Weight: 12 pounds
Head/Body: 30 inches
Tail: 12 inches
Subspecies: 3

A very rare cat, the Chinese desert cat is a well-proportioned cat-
sized cat. Like the sand cat, the soles of its feet are covered with
thick mats of fur to protect it from the hot sands. Its coat is sandy
brown with distinctive darker brown spots set in wide-spaced vertical
rows. Its undersides are very pale.

The Chinese desert cat may be found in the deserts, steppes, scrub and
mountains of Mongolia and China, where it hunts by night, from the
ground, and seeks small rodents and reptiles.

Iriomote Cat

Name: Iriomote Cat
Species: Felis [Mayailurus] Iriomotensis
Weight: 12 pounds
Head/Body: 23 inches
Tail: 8 inches
Subspecies: 1

A very rare cat, discovered in 1964, the Iriomote cat has a long body
with short legs and tail. Its coat is brown with lines on its neck
that end at its shoulders and black spots that merge into lines on its
flanks. Its ears are black with white spots.

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The Wild Cats Page 19

The Iriomote cat may be found only on the small island of Iriomote,
off the coast of Taiwan, where it hunts by night, from trees, and
seeks birds and small mammals.

The discovery so recently of the Iriomote cat caused a considerable
stir in zoological circles. It should be taken as notice that we
certainly don’t know all there is to know.

Marbled Cat

Name: Marbled Cat
Species: Felis [Pardofelis] Marmorata
Weight: 12 pounds
Head/Body: 21 inches
Tail: 15 inches
Subspecies: 2

A rare cat, the marbled cat resembles a long-tailed cat in size and
build. Its beautiful, striking coat is pale brown, with irregular
slightly darker brown blotches sharply outlined in dark brown or
black. Its long cylindrical tail is full from rump to tip and carries
its body pattern.

The marbled cat may be found in the forests of the Maylay peninsula,
Sumatra, Borneo and some neighboring small islands, where it hunts by
day, from trees, and seeks birds and eggs.

Pallas’ Cat

Name: Pallas’ Cat, Manul
Species: Felis [Otocolobus] Manul
Weight: 7-12 pounds
Head/Body: 22 inches
Tail: 10 inches
Subspecies: 3

The oldest living species of cat, evolving some 10 million years ago,
Pallas’ cat is similar to the lynx in facial structure, with a large,
sturdy body and short legs. Its head is short and broad, with large
round eyes and blunt wide-set ears. Its long, silky coat varies in
color from light grey to russet brown, with white tips to its hairs
giving a sparkling, almost irridescent appearance. There are dark
lines on its cheeks, rings on its tail, and its lips, chin, and throat
are white.

The Pallas’ cat may be found on the rocky plateaux and river banks of
central Asia, where it hunts by night, from the ground, and seeks
small mammals and birds.

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The Wild Cats Page 20

Rusty-Spotted Cat

Name: Rusty-Spotted Cat
Species: Felis [Prionailurus] Rubiginosa
Weight: 6-9 pounds
Head/Body: 17 inches
Tail: 7 inches
Subspecies: 2

The rusty-spotted cat is a small cat with small round ears and a short
tail. Its soft, short coat is grey with a reddish tinge on top and a
pale underside. There are reddish spots scattered randomly over its
body and reddish stripes on its head. Its face has distinctive white
and dark markings. The soles of its feet are black.

The rusty-spotted cat may be found in the forests, scrub, dried river-
beds and drainage systems of India and Sri Lanka, where it hunts by
night, from the ground, and seeks small mammals and birds.

Tiger Cat

Name: Tiger Cat, Tiger Ocelot
Species: Felis [Leopardus] Tigrina
Weight: 5-8 pounds
Head/Body: 22 inches
Tail: 13 inches
Subspecies: 4

The tiger cat has a slim, graceful body with long legs and a long
tail. Its coat is a light yellowish-brown with striking dark brown
spots, which may form rosettes or chains of rosettes. Its tail is
ringed.

The tiger cat may be found in the forests of Central and South Ameri-
ca, where it hunts by day and by twilight, from trees, and seeks small
rodents and birds.

Geoffroy’s Cat

Name: Geoffroy’s Cat, Geoffroy’s Ocelot
Species: Felis [Leopardus] Geoffroyi
Weight: 6 pounds
Head/Body: 20 inches
Tail: 12 inches
Subspecies: 5

The Geoffroy’s cat is a small cat with a well-proportioned body and
head. Its coat varies from silver grey to ochre and is covered all
over with equally-placed small dark brown or black spots. On the
shoulders and flanks of some individuals the spots may merge to form
rosettes or bars.

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The Wild Cats Page 21

The Geoffroy’s cat may be found in the open brushlands and scrub of
South America south of the Amazon basin and East of the Andes, where
it hunts by night, from the ground, and seeks small mammals and birds.

The Geoffroy’s cat is an exceptionally mild-tempered cat, and has been
bred with the domestic cat in an effort to produce a tame but wild-
looking hybrid.

Sand Cat

Name: Sand Cat
Species: Felis Margarita
Weight: 5-6 pounds
Head/Body: 20 inches
Tail: 12 inches
Subspecies: 4

The sand cat is a small cat with short legs and a very broad head with
low-set ears and full cheeks. The soles of its feet are protected
from hot sands by having a thick mat of fur. Its coat is a plain
yellowish-brown to greyish-brown, slightly darker towards its spine
and lighter underneath.

The sand cat may be found in the semi-desert regions of northern
African and the Middle East, where it hunts by night and twilight,
from the ground, and seeks small rodents and reptiles.

Bay Cat

Name: Bay Cat, Bornean Red Cat
Species: Felis [Pardofelis] Badia
Weight: 5 pounds
Head/Body: 20 inches
Tail: 15 inches
Subspecies: 1

A small, very rare cat, the bay cat has a slender body with an excep-
tionally long tail and a round head with small rounded ears. Its coat
is reddish-brown (chestnut) with a pale undersides and significantly
darker ears. There are faint spots on its undersides and limbs and
suggestions of lines in its face.

The bay cat may be found only in rocky and scrub areas of the island
of Borneo, where it hunts by night, from the ground, and seeks small
rodents and birds.

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The Wild Cats Page 22

Kodkod

Name: Kodkod, Huina
Species: Felis [Oncifelis] Guigna
Weight: 4.5 lbs
Head/Body: 18 inches
Tail: 8 in. body
Subspecies: 2

The kodkod is the smallest cat in the Western Hemisphere. Its coat is
buff with heavy black spots. There are black bands on its legs, and
its ears are black with a white spot.

The kodkod may be found in the forests of Chile and Patagonia, where
it hunts by night, from the ground though it is an excellent climber,
and seeks small rodents and birds.

Black-Footed Cat

Name: Black-Footed Cat
Species: Felis Negripes
Weight: 2.5-4.5 pounds
Head/Body: 14-18 inches
Tail: 6-7 inches
Subspecies: 2

The black-footed cat is the smallest African cat, possibly the small-
est cat in the world. Its coat is light brown, slightly darker on
top, with dark brown or black spots, streaked on its cheeks, throat,
chest and belly, and with transverse bars on its forlegs and haunches.
Its feet have black soles.

The black-footed cat may be found in the deserts and savannahs of
southern Africa, where it hunts by night and twilight, from the
ground, and seeks small rodents, birds, reptiles, and insects.

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The Wild Cats Page 23

0

SPATIAL DECONCENTRATION
by Yolanda Ward

This article was researched and written primarily by Ms. Yolanda Ward,
sometime in the early Nineteen Eighties. It is based largely on material
that is publicly available, especially the “Report of the National Advisory
Commission on Civic Disturbances,” otherwise known as the Kerner Commission
Report.

A large portion of this document is, however, based on materials which were
not publicly available, specifically a number of Housing and Urban
Development (HUD) department files which Ms. Ward and her collaborators
apparently stole from the HUD office in Washington, D.C. The material herein
contained details a policy, known as “Spatial Deconcentration,” which rivals
both Nazi Germany and present day South Africa in its injustice to
individuals, its utter disregard for human and civil rights, and outstrips
them both in the remarkable secrecy with which it has been, until now,
instituted.

This document was first published as part of a collection of notes for a
national housing activists conference held in Washington D.C. some years
ago. No more than five hundred copies were made at that time, and to the
best of our knowledge, this was the report’s only publication, prior to the
one you now hold in your hands. Shortly after this first publication, Ms.
Ward and two associates were accosted on a Washington street one night by
two well-dressed white men, who singled out Ms. Ward from her two friends,
ordered her at gunpoint to lie face down in the street, and then shot her in
the back of the head. The documents she and her friends allegedly stole from
HUD have never been published, nor are they included here.

— J.F.W., Editor (published in World War Three Illustrated circa1989)

This book is the result of painstaking work done during the second half of
1979, mostly in Philadelphia, but also in St. Louis, Chicago, New York City
and Washington D.C.

It includes a collection of materials from federal agencies such as the
Department of Housing and Urban Development (HUD), and the General
Accounting Office (GAO); from community sources, such as Philadelphia and
St. Louis Legal Aid Societies; and from independent sources, such as
foundations, private corporations, books, private papers, etc.

The search for and collection of this material began in August, 1979, when
housing activists in Philadelphia first stumbled across the strangely-worded
theory called “spatial deconcentration.” A letter had been forwarded from
the Philadelphia-area regional planning commission to activist attorneys in
one of the legal service agencies announcing a new “fair housing” program
called the “Regional Housing Mobility Program.” It might have been all greek
to housing activists had they not already known that some type of sweeping
master plan had already swung into effect to depopulate Philadelphia of its
minority neighborhoods. The massive demolition operations in minority
neighborhoods; which had been systematic, and the total lack of
reconstruction funds from public or private sources spoke to that fact.

Activists had fought pitched battles with the city administration over
housing policies for some three years before the word “mobility” was ever
mentioned among their ranks. In march of 1979, in fact, Philadelphia public
housing leaders launched an attack on a city organized and HUD sponsored
plan to empty the city’s public housing high-rise projects. The question at
the time had been: “Where will all the tenants go?” When the mobility
program was unearthed in August, the answer fell into place like a major
piece in a jig-saw puzzle. The answer, naturally, was the suburbs. It seemed
to fit perfectly into the “triage” or “Gentrification” scheme, which froze
the inner city land stocks for the returning suburbanites who were finding
city life more economical than the suburbs.

Focussing their attention on this phenomenon called “Mobility,” the
activists dug for more materials at the planning commission office. With the
new materials available they began to slowly understand that the Mobility
Program was much more than met the eye. By late September they only
understood that the program seemed to be a keystone among federal housing
programs and that HUD was making special efforts to avoid a confrontation
over the matter.

It was tactically decided that the program was too massive to be fought on a
local level. Activists in other cities would have to be sensitized to the
Program and encouraged to swing into action against it. Between early
November and late December, such contacts had been developed in St. Louis,
Chicago and New York City — all key Mobility cities. All the information
that had been collected in Philadelphia before November was distributed to
community activists in these cities. This action helped uncover massive
amounts of new information about the program, which would have been
impossible to procure on the east coast for various reasons, and which
changed the basic nature of the struggle the activists were waging against
the government.

The Philadelphia housing leaders had fought their campaign between 1976 and
1979 under the assumption that their struggle against the land speculators
and government bureaucracy had an economic base. They understood
“gentrification” perfectly, but thought it had developed because the
speculators were slowly but steadily viewing the land in minority
neighborhoods as some kind of gold mine to be vigorously exploited at any
cost. The information uncovered about the mobility program slowly taught
them that they were entirely wrong, and perhaps this misdirection had
prevented them from realizing any measurable amount of success in forcing
the city or government to start-up housing construction projects in the
city. It is now clear, in 1980, that instead of being economic the manifest
crises that plague inner-city minorities are founded in a problem of
control.

The so-called “gentrification” of the inner-cities, the lack of
rehabilitation financing for inner-city families, the massive demolition
projects which have transformed once-stable neighborhoods into vast
wastelands, the diminishing inner-city services, such as recreation,
health-care, education, jobs and job-training, sanitation, etc.; are all
rooted in an apparent bone-chilling fear that inner-city minorities are
uncontrollable.

Lengthy government-sponsored studies were conducted in the wake of the riots
of the 1960s, particularly after the 1967 Detroit fiasco which cost 47 lives
and was quelled only after deployment of 82nd Airborne paratroopers flown in
from North Carolina which had been commissioned for duty on the emergency
order of then-President Lyndon Johnson. Among intelligence agencies pressed
into service to study the problem was the Rand Corporation. In late
December, 1967 and early January, 1968, Rand was requested by the Ford
Foundation to conduct a three-week “workshop” concerning the “analysis of
the urban problem.” It was “intended to define and initiate a long-term
research program on urban policy issues and to interest other organizations
in undertaking related work. Participants included scientists, scholars,
federal and New York City officials, and Rand staff members.

Johnson also ordered a particularly significant study of the riots to be
commissioned which has led to the emergence of some of the most dangerous
theories since the rise of Adolf Hitler. It was the National Advisory
Commission Report on Civil Disorders, more commonly called the Kerner
Commission Report. Strategists representing all specialities were contracted
by the government to participate in the study. Begun in 1967 immediately in
the wake of the Detroit riot, it was not published until March of 1968. But
only weeks after its emergence, Dr. Martin Luther King was assassinated and
the most massive wave of riots that was ever recorded in American history
almost forced a suspension of the Constitution.

Samuel Yette reported in his 1971 book, The Choice, that the House
Un-American Affairs Committee, headed by right-wing elements, had put heavy
pressure on Johnson to suspend the Constitution and declare martial law in
the cities. Johnson resisted and instead ordered government strategists to
employ the finest minds in the country to analyze the cause of the revolts
and develop strategies to prevent them in the future.

The workshop participants were asked to prepare and submit papers
recommending “program initiatives and experiments” in the areas of
welfare/public assistance, jobs and manpower training, housing and urban
planning, police services and public order, race relations, and others. The
papers were grouped into four headings, including two called “urban
poverty,” and “urban violence and public order.”

The Kerner Commission strategists came to the conclusion that America’s
inner-city poverty was so entrenched that the ghettoes could not be
transformed into viable neighborhoods to the satisfaction of residents or
the government. The problem of riots, therefore, could be expected to emerge
in the future, perhaps with more intensity and as a more serious threat to
the Constitutional privileges which most Americans enjoy. They finally
concluded that if the problem could not be eliminated because of the nature
of the American system of “free enterprise,” than American technology could
contain it. This could only be done through a theory of “spatial
deconcentration” of racially-impacted neighborhoods. In other words, poverty
had been allowed to become so concentrated in the inner-cities that
hopelessness overwhelmed their residents and the government’s resolve to
dilute it.

This hopelessness had the social effect of a fire near a powderkeg. But if
the ghettoes were thinned out, the chances of a cataclysmic explosion that
could destroy the American way of life could be equally diminished.
Inner-city residents, then, would have to be dispersed throughout the
metropolitan regions to guarantee the privileges of the middle-class. Where
those inner-city minorities should be placed after their dispersal had been
the subject of intense research by the government and the major financial
interests of the U.S. since 1968. In the Kerner Commission Report, Chapter
17 addressed itself to this prospect. Suburbs were its answer: the furthest
place from the inner-city.

A high proportion of the commissioners for the Report and their contracting
strategists were military or paramilitary men. Otto Kerner, himself,
chairman of the Commission, was the Governor of Illinois at the time of the
Report but before that had been a major general in the army. John Lindsey,
Mayor of New York City, had been chairman of the political committee of the
NATO Parliamentarian’s Conference. Herbert Jenkins, before becoming a
commissioner, had been chief of the Atlanta Police Department and President
of the International Association of Chiefs of Police, a reputed
“anti-terrorist” organization. Charles Thornton, the fourth of the seven
commissioners, was chairman of the board of Litton Industries at the time he
accepted his commission, one of the country’s chief military suppliers and,
before that, had been general manager of the Hughes Aircraft Corporation —
another major military supplier — and a colonel in the U.S. Air Force, a
trustee of the National Security Industrial Association, and a member of the
Advisory Council to the Defense Department.

The Commission’s list of contractors and witnesses was no less glittering in
military and paramilitary personnel. No less than thirty police departments
were represented on or before the Commission by their chiefs or deputy
chiefs. Twelve generals representing various branches of the armed services
appeared before the Commission or served as contractors. The Agency for
International Development, the Rand Corporation, The Brookings Institute,
the Federal Bureau of Investigation, the International Association of
Chiefs of Police, the Institute of Defense Analysis, and the Ford Foundation
all played significant roles in shaping the Commission’s findings.

A hardly-noticeable name listed among the intelligence and military giants
was that of one Anthony Downs, a civilian. Unlike most of the other
contractors, whose names were followed by lines of titles, Downs was simply
listed as being from Chicago, Illinois. His name was to become very
prominent among inner-city grassroots leaders around the country by the end
of 1979. Philadelphia housing leaders had remembered Downs as having been
the author of the so-called “triage” report of 1975 which led to a storm of
controversy at the time.

In his HUD-sponsored study, Downs argued that the inner-cities were
hopelessly beyond repair and would be better off cleared of services and
residents and landbanked. The middle-class should then be allowed to
re-populate these areas, giving them a breath of new life. The activists, in
their rush to uncover information about the Mobility Program, discovered, to
their surprise, that Downs had written Chapters 16 & 17 of the Kerner
Commission Report; the chapters devoted to demographic shifts in the
inner-cities and spatial deconcentration.

Housing activists studying theories of “mobility” and “spatial
deconcentration” stumbled upon yet another “strategist,” also, like Downs,
out of Chicago, named Bernard Weissbourd. Weissbourd wrote two papers in
Chicago in 1968 concerning the crisis of exploding minority inner-city
populations. In one paper, entitled An Urban Strategy, he proposed a
so-called “one-four-three-four” plan. Inner-city minority populations
represented such a growing political threat by their growing numbers, he
argued, that a strategy had to be quickly developed to thin out their
numbers and prevent them from overwhelming the nation’s biggest cities. He
proposed that this be accomplished through a series of federal and private
programs that would financially-induce minorities to migrate to the suburbs
until their absolute numbers inside the cities represented no more than
one-fourth of the total population.

It is not clear if An Urban Strategy was written before the Kerner
Commission Report was released or before the end of the Rand Corporations
“workshop.” Around the same time, however, he wrote another paper entitled,
Proposal for a New Housing Program: Satellite Communities. Weissbourd argued
that the bombed-out inner-city neighborhoods should be completely rebuilt as
“new towns in town” for the middle-class. As in his Urban Strategy paper, he
discussed the threat of explosive inner-city minority populations and their
threatening political power. He suggested that this threat could be repulsed
with the construction of new housing outside the cities for inner-city
minorities. He also suggested that jobs be found for these people in the
suburbs and that “. . . some form of subsidy” be developed to induce them to
leave the inner-cities. It is not clear whether Downs knew Weissbourd or
borrowed his theories in time for his Kerner Commission Report, or if, in
fact, the Report was finished after Weissbourd published his works, although
it is likely, since both worked out of Chicago. It is clear that both
strategists saw American middle-class life-styles as being challenged by the
same explosive, racially-impacted inner-city neighborhoods.

In the same year that Downs had completed his Kerner Commission Report
chapters and Weissbourd published his theories, President Johnson requested
the formation of a research network that could focus on analyses of
inner-city evolution and area-wide metropolitan strategies. This “thinktank”
is called the Urban Institute. Since its founding in 1968, the likes of
Carla Hills, Robert McNamara, Cyrus Vance, William Ruckelshaus, Kingman
Brewster, Joseph Califano, Edward Levi, John D. Rockerfeller, Charles
Schultze and William Scranton, have served as members of its board of
trustees.

The five Blacks who have served, or are serving, are Whitney Young, Leon
Sullivan, William Hastie, Vernon Jordan, and William Coleman; all prominent
middle-class “yes-men.” The board of the Institute has had an interlocking
relationship with the boards of trustees of the Rand Corporation and the
Brookings Institute, both close CIA affiliates. Rand’s Washington office, in
fact, is located in the same building where the Institute has its
headquarters.

The Institute, to say the least, is a bizarre agency. It was supposedly
founded in the spirit of harmony between the races, but has been dominated
by a substantial number of presidential cabinet members and major U.S.
corporations and Universities, such as Yale and Chicago. Worse, the
Institute has conducted a substantial portion of the research that has led
to the development of Mobility Program techniques. Its president, William
Gorham, recently described the agency as a HUD “testing laboratory.” It is
theoretically dominated by the likes of the quasi-military strategists that
dominated the Kerner Commission, especially one John Goodman, the
Institute’s major “mobility” specialist.

In terms of the types of experiments the Institute has conducted over its
short history and the highly-sensitive nature of its research work, it ranks
on a par with the CIA itself. Goodman, for instance, heading a team of
strategists, developed, between 1975 and 1979, a series of experiments to
determine the best way to induce inner-city Blacks and other minorities to
leave the cities. A favorite ploy they developed was housing allowances and
the so-called housing “subsidy” progress, whereby low-income families are
supported in their rent payments, or paid cash grants, if they first agree
to move out. Heavy experimentation was also conducted by the Institute on
tactics that could be used to shape the Section 8 Program into a
counterinsurgency tool against minorities.

In 1970, Downs wrote a little known book called Urban Problems & Prospects,
in which he more graphically detailed the theory of spatial deconcentration.
He developed a bizarre concept in the book entitled “the theory of
middle-class dominance.” According to him, the dispersal of the inner-city
populations to the suburbs could not be successfully completed unless and
until a model of dispersal was developed whereby the artificially-induced
outflow of minorities from the inner-cities would be controlled and directed
to the point that they would not be permitted to naturally reconcentrate
themselves in the suburbs.

This was the heart of the government theory which was later to become the
theory of “integration maintenance.” This type of control had to be
exercised, according to Downs, because white suburbanites would not remain
stable in their bungalows if they were led to suspect that the incoming
Blacks and other minorities were gaining power through their sheer numbers
in the suburbs. The consistent theme of Down’s Problems, Chapters 16 & 17 of
the Kerner Commission Report, and Goodman’s works at the Institute, was that
of control.

The line of thinking about control found reinforcement in another book Downs
wrote in 1973, entitled Opening Up the Suburbs: An Urban Strategy for
America. Down’s theories from the Kerner Commission Report crystalized,
taking as their cue his arguments laid down in Urban Problems. The theory of
white “dominance” was carefully discussed in Suburbs. Included here were
ideas for “. . . a broader strategy,” where “. . .a workable mechanism
ensuring that whites will remain in the majority . . .” were produced. But
Chapter 12 of Suburbs carefully laid down a mechanism which could transform
the theories of his former works into practical application.

The chapter was called “Principles of a Strategy of Dispersing Economic
Integration,” and laid down five basic concepts: 1 — establishing a
“favorable” political climate for the strategy; 2 — creating “economic
incentives” for the strategy; 3 — “preserving suburban middle-class
dominance; 4 — rebuilding inner-cities; 5 — developing a further
“comprehensive strategy.” In outline format, he analyzed each one. He noted
that experiments should be conducted before the strategy was effectuated and
that “. . . more effective means of withdrawing economic support . . . ”
should be developed for the inner-cities to clear the way for landbanking
inner-city neighborhoods.

To the amazement of the inner-city housing leaders across the country,
Down’s theory of “dispersed economic integration” was exactly reproduced in
HUD’s Regional Housing Mobility Program Guidebook, issued six years after
Suburbs, in 1979.

Also by 1977, a mysterious “fair housing” group in Chicago, the Leadership
Council for Open Metropolitan Communities, was contracted by HUD to begin
mobility programming experiments on Black high-rise public housing tenants
in the Southside and Westside. It was called “The Gautreaux Demonstration
Program” and achieved in two years the removal to the far suburbs of 400
families. Materials from HUD’s 1979 review of the Gatreaux experiment are
included in this anthology.

By 1974, the Congress had enacted the Community Development Act. The
legislation fused together the Urban Renewal programs of the Johnson era and
the Revenue Sharing programs of the Nixon Administration. The title to the
Act laid-out its theory: 1 — reduce the geographic isolation of various
economic groups; 2 — promote spatial deconcentration; 3 — revitalize
inner-city neighborhoods for middle and upper-income groups.

It wasn’t until 1975 that point four of Down’s theory in Suburbs, rebuilding
the inner-cities, was fully analyzed. It was done in the form of the
“triage” report, completed under HUD contract while he was still president
of the Real Estate Research Corporation in Chicago; a firm founded by his
father, James, some twenty years before. In this report, Downs made it clear
that he wasn’t projecting the inner-cities being rebuilt for its present
residents — the minorities — but for the white middle-class; the so-called
urban gentry; a theory completely compatible with the Community Development
Act of the previous year, Weissbourd’s 1968 writings, and the Kerner
Commission findings. Under point four in Suburbs, Downs wrote that “. . .
new means of comprehensively ‘managing’ entire inner-city neighborhoods
should be developed to provide more effective means of withdrawing economic
support from housing units that ought to be demolished.”

In his “triage” report, he wrote that Community Development funds should be
withheld from inner-city neighborhoods so as to allow “. . . a long-run
strategy of emptying out the most deteriorated areas. . .” A city’s basic
strategy, he wrote, ” . . . would be to accelerate their abandonment . .. .”
The land having been “banked,” it could be redeveloped for the gentry. He
argued that instead of being given increased services, minority
neighborhoods should be infused with major demolition projects.

When Patricia Harris became Secretary of HUD two years after the enactment
of the Community Development Act and one year after the Section 8 Program
replaced the Section 235 and 236 housing subsidy programs, the General
Accounting Office, under the direction of Henry Eschwege, issued a stinging
review of the Department’s policies. Noting that the Section 8 Program was
the “. . . principal federal program for housing lower-income persons . . .”
the 1978 report suggested, in threatening language, that “HUD needs to
develop an implementation plan for deconcentration . . .” The report argued
that “. . . freedom of choice . . .” was supposed to be the Department’s
“primary intent,” but that top HUD officials were confused about the policy.
HUD, the GAO insisted, was continuing to offer “revitalization” projects in
the inner-cities, which was concentrating poverty in the cities. This
policy, it stressed, was “incompatible” with spatial deconcentration.

In 1979, on the heels of the GAO report came HUD’s Regional Housing Mobility
Program. The introduction of the program was itself bizarre, let alone the
program. The emergence of the program was kept so quiet that virtually no
grassroots community organizations in the country knew of its existence. The
activists in Philadelphia had not even been aware of its existence until
August of that year. It still wasn’t until November that grassroots leaders
encountered an advisory council member to one of the planning agencies —
and that was in St. Louis — who openly admitted that the program’s success
depended on its “invisibility.”

On August 3, 1979, the planning commission directors of 22 pre-selected
regions in the country were asked by HUD to gather in Washington to be
schooled on the mechanics of the program. They were given Guidebooks and
asked to return to their respective jurisdictions and prepare $75,000 to
$150,000 applications for the program. The Guidebook made it clear that
these regions had been specially selected because of their heavy
concentration of inner-city minorities. They were instructed to contact
major civil rights organizations and gain their “input” into the program. It
was not coincidental that the National Urban League was one of the very few
Black organizations that knew of the program’s existence. After all, Vernon
Jordan, its president, sits on the board of trustees of the Urban Institute.

The Guidebook smacks of computer technology and is prepared with
mind-control phrases, such as establishing “beachheads” in “alien”
communities; initiating “. . . a long-term promotion of deconcentration;”
identifying “. . . homeseeker traits which operate . . . on a process of
suppression not selection;” and banking on the “. . . promotion of target
areas” that “. . . will require that natural inclinations be altered.” True
to the Down’s model established in Suburbs and Urban Problems, the Guidebook
carefully analyzes the financial inducements to be used by the government to
force minorities out of the cities and to force uncooperative suburban
landlords to accept the program.

The Guidebook makes it clear that the program is intended for major
expansion by 1982, when its funding base will be switched from
HUD-Washington to an assortment of agencies, interestingly including the
Community Development Block Grant funds, CETA, an the Ford, Rockerfeller and
Alcoa Foundations. The CETA job component clearly traced its theoretical
roots not only to Downs, but also to Weissbourd. The Guidebook also
carefully lays out the use of the Section 8 Program as a primary base for
mobility operations.

Once it became clear to inner-city housing leaders that the Mobility Program
was nothing more than the first in a set of mechanisms the government
intended to use to effectuate the ideas discussed in the Kerner Commission
Report, it was easy to organize concerned people around the issue. It was
actually a relief to some activists that proof had finally emerged of a real
master plan, and not merely another fictionalized account of some remote
possibility.

Less than one month after the Philadelphia leaders had made their final
contacts in Chicago and New York City, a five-city conference was organized
in Washington. Called the Grassroots Unity Conference, and held in January,
1980, it focussed on driving the message home to the government, through
HUD, that the masterplan had been exposed and efforts were being organized
in key regions of the country to stop it.

An almost violent meeting was held between top HUD officials and activists
from Washington, Chicago, St. Louis, New York and Philadelphia during the
two-day conference. A busload of inner-city residents literally invaded the
Urban Institute offices and persuaded its staff to hand over dozens of
documents that further reinforced community leader’s arguments that a
masterplan existed, and that the Mobility Program was merely the first step
in a new series of programs designed to systematically empty the
inner-cities of their minority residents.

The friction slowly being generated between the government and the
inner-city communities over this programming and its exposure has the
potential of producing a major domestic crisis in the U.S. Housing and
community activists have for years been confused about the nature of the
deterioration of the inner-cities. The confusion often led to
disillusionment and bitter dissension that sometimes created malevolent
situations within the inner circles of community leaders and groups. Many
community leaders knew that the government was not an innocent party to the
problems of the cities, but few imagined the close association between it
and private market forces in systematically driving the poor and the Black
out of the cities.

Fewer still realized that the government had helped organize the “control”
strategy from its inception. Now that the masterplan is being slowly
uncovered by the persistent efforts of grassroots leaders and the confusion
within community groups is evaporating, it may not be possible to vent their
anger in non-destructive ways when the tale is finally told.

Some elements of the Black community, for instance, have argued for years
that the government had declared a “secret war” on Blacks in America. Now
evidence exists which makes the point difficult, if not impossible, to
defeat. At least, an innocent observer must ask the question: “What kind of
a government would allow these types of strategies to develop and thrive?”
Even more to the point, one must ask: “How stable can a government be with
such information emerging?” It now seems evident that the Constitution,
which the Kerner Commissioners and the Johnson Administration feared was in
need of special protections, does not apply to all people in America, but
only the white middle class. The only way the government can now disprove
this argument is to abolish all types of mobility programming and the
“thinktanks” that shaped it.

Researchers in all parts of the country who believe the government is
traveling a lethal path are now uncovering major pieces of evidence to show
the elaborate workings of the masterplan. Some of their arguments are
enclosed in Part III of this book, under the title, “The Minority Response.”
Other technical data are enclosed in Part IV and V. Of particular interest
in Part V are the listings offered by the Urban Institute under housing
allowance programs. Section 8 experimentation takes up a good portion of the
available listings. A cursory examination of some of these papers — and in
some instances a mere reading of the project titles — plainly shows the
determination of the government to manipulate the Section 8 Program as a key
instrument to force inner-city residents to move into the suburbs through
the Mobility Program.

It aptly explains why these same researchers created the Section 8 Programs
in the first place. Included in Part IV are lists of Boards of Trustees of
the Brookings and Urban Institutes in Washington D.C. Attempts were made, in
preparation for this edition to include a listing of the Rockerfeller and
Ford Foundation’s Boards of Trustees. These corporations, however, refused
to release their Annual Reports.

The exposure of the Mobility Program’s real intentions will hopefully change
the direction of the government. If not, then the worse can be assumed for
the future of the U.S. because no righteous people on the face of the earth
would or should permit the existence of such policy, even if its
dismemberment means inevitable confrontation or conflagration.

Several aspects of this mobility programming have deliberately been avoided
at this time. Cyrus Vance, for instance, was Deputy Secretary of Defense at
the time of the Detroit riot of 1967 and the initiation of the Kerner
Commission Report. By 1980, Vance was Secretary of State, directly
responsible for at least one organization named in the Report, the Agency
for International Development (AID), widely reputed for its CIA ties. He was
also a trustee of the Urban Institute along with Robert NcNamara, chairman
of the World Bank and former Secretary of Defense under Johnson.

A reasonable question emerges at this point: Why is the military so closely
attached to this mobility programming? Or, worse: What does the military
intend to do in the event that this mobility-type programming fails, and the
Blacks and other minorities remain in large part in the cities into the turn
of the century, and riots create greater so-called threats to Constitutional
safeguards? After all, Downs, himself, stated in Suburbs that he believed
the mobility programming would fail. Is a repeat of the recent history of
Greece or Chile the logical answer to these questions? Did the military, in
1967, issue an ultimatum to the government to remove the Blacks and other
inner-city minorities to Black suburban “townships” in kid-glove fashion,
with the option, in case of failure, being the iron fist? Furthermore, how
could it have been possible for the surgical demolition operations in the
minority neighborhoods of the cities to be so identical in all major
American cities? Could any organization other than the Pentagon have done
this?

These questions have been left unexplored because the weight of available
documentation and the speed with which it is being collected and digested
has been burdensome on anti-mobility forces. Further, this discussion about
the military must be carefully explored by itself because of its obvious
sensitivity. Also left for “Book II” is the discussion concerning the
companion programs of the Mobility Program. Their successful exploration and
revelation may make Watergate look pale by comparison.

0

[Never finished, was posted early by an overzelus follower]

The following text is the work of very insane people that
decided to be very annoying to some people in a nice and
large computer cluster. Please ignore all attempts by the
people in the cluster who wish to beat the authors of this
here text and all bloodstains that may be spotted on any
printed documents of this text –that is if you can find it
after the people who are not amused about the authors writing
this do.

Sit back, and enjoy.

TTTTT his is the story of Spam. The authors of this
T program wish to make it perfectly clear that this
T file is meant to be absolutely harmless to most and
T specific individuals. However, this file in its
T previous forms has been known to cause serious side
effects to the people who happened to pick up this
document that was lying on some coffee table in the
middle of nowhere. All of the side effects are not
known at this point as half of the population that
actually experienced these side effects would not
possibly dream to actually admit to these side
effects. Some of the side effects that actually
been reported are as follows:

~ Serious Addictions and cravings to demented sodas such as
Mello Yello and Moxie. We, of the Church of Spam, can
completely understand this cravings but we cannot be
responsible for any illegal trades for these substances such
as siblings and Kmarts.

~ Answering the phone “Yellow?”

~ Prasing other lifeforms and the start of a major movements
that are meant for the preservation of rare and endangered
life forms such as cows.

~ Going on demented rampages throughout the neighborhood
paintballing cats.

~ We are not going to mention any more side effects, as we
actually WANT YOU TO READ THIS AND SUFFER THE
CONSEQUENCES!!!!

[…we apologize for our last typer as he had drunk too much
mello yello before he got this. He has been severely
flogged and dragged out and pseudo-shot. Again, we
apologize for the interruption…]

HAIL Gavin!

Gavin “S.F.A.” Healy, the previous Head Pope of Spam, has
been promoted to god-status within the parameters of the
known universe and now walks the earth with his never-ending
curls of hair that still give him the Nat-X look that he is
and always will be famous for. He is known for the tan
and brown sweater that he always has donned ever since the
beginning of time when all there was was Gavin, Arjaii, and
Spam.

Arjaii, also known as Raphael Dareau and other various
names that he is called by his girlfriend and his anti-
girlfriend. He can be easily identified by his tall and
normal heights and always carries a mysterious blue backpack
that he calls “Ton O’ Fun”. No one really knows what he
carries in there except for the “Avant Cow” hat and another
hat that no one has ever seen him wear yet. He has also been
known to paintball cats within his local neighborhood and
cause some anti-peaceful activities. Other than the unknown,
Arjaii carries copies of his programs that he is proud to
call his own (although some people are quite mystified about
why

0

ZDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD?
3 Compliments Of =Purgatory BBS 3
3 (207)-866-2399 3
3 THE STORY OF SPAM VOLUME THREE AND A HALF AND A HALF 3
@DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDY

NOTICE:

This story has been known to confuse people quite easily
so it is recommended that you return yourself to a
uncomfortable position so that you will be ready for any
shocks that you might receive reading this story. This story
also insults Twinkies.

And Ho-Hos.

And Ring Dings.

And the LipLess Wonder.

THE STORY SO FAR:

On a unusually boring day, Raphael Dareau, bored out of
his skull, decided that it would be a good time to log in to
something called NovaNET. Quite a few people say that this
incident was not exactly the most brillant thing to let
Raphael Dareau do, and some others say, “What possible harm
could he have done to the natural order of things? This sort
of thing is inevitable in any normal universe.” And there is
a guy on top of a mountain in the middle of Nepal meditating
on this fact. He is quite unsure at this time. Anyway,
Raphael Dareau achieved signon-ness, and logged into NovaNET
shortly after the incident that caused the complete collapse
of the Maine NovaNET structure. It also marked the end of
something called the Matt Thomas era.

In the beginning, there was NovaNET. The entire history
of NovaNET upto the end of the Matt Thomas era was lost
because of a tragic headon collision between a blimp and a
submarine. Details of this incident are still classified,
but one of the investagating officers called it “The most
unique tragidies that has been known to mankind.” However,
unlike The Story of NovaNET, which has merged with The Story
Of Spam, much is known about the history of Spam, from
beginning to end. The actual history of NovaNET before the
end of the Matt Thomas era is unfortunately held in the brain
of the person who made the era possible. However, from the
pieces from the wreckage of the blimp-submarine accident,
there were bits of Nova History that was recovered.

One day during the Matt Thomas era, The Bearded Wonder
was playing Avatar at CAPS for the first time. Little did he
know that one of the sinks in Neville Hall was used to
dispose of Biological Waste. This lovely stuff when coming
into contact with skin, caused the affected part of the body
to fall off. The Bearded Wonder walked into this particular
bathroom and filled the basin with water to begin washing his
face. He started washing his face, and then noticed that
water smelled funny. He screamed and was taken to the local
medical facility, where he was rejected and taken to a
chiropractor instead. The Chiropractor said that his back
was fine, but they could not rescue his lips. By then, the
lips had declared independence, and severed themselves from
the Murph-Unit and joined forces with the Deb. The gangreen
infection however, unfortunately, in The Bearded Wonder was
cured, and afther this tramatic incident, The Bearded Wonder
joined the Handicapped Lip Society, where he was quickly made
President.

All but the President part is just a theory. Even back
those ancient days, no one really knew what happened to
The Bearded Wonder, although the above is the most accepted
theory. Others are:

o The Bearded Wonder caught his lips in the windowsill,
vices, or other type of mechanical apparatus.

o The Bearded Wonder had gangreen of the lips.

o He cut them off on a dare or as initiation to some
group.

At the near end of the Matt Thomas era, Jim Troutman
climed Mt. Urbana and received a message from Felix, the God
of the NovaNET machines. He gave Jim some huge tablets of
the Commandments Of NovaNET, a waste many people said, as the
Commandments were available in the local area in paperback.
But Felix did not just give Jim a couple pounds of granite,
but he also gave him a warning. There existed a creature
called The Guardian Of The Lips which travelled with a local
deity called the Deb. Deb was in charge of the universe
called =maine, and Felix fortold of destruction and meyhem
was about to be put onto the people in this universe. Jim
did not know what to think, so he ignored it.

Then about 4 months later, The Deb and The Guardian Of
The Lips swooped down into =maine and began to kill signons
left and right, causing much panic. The only true one that
was ineffected by this action was Jim himself, for Felix gave
him an aurora that Deb and The Lips could not penetrate and
they kept bouncing off the aura everytime that they attacked
Jim. However, many were not so lucky — in fact, Felix
laughed as The Lips chased and killed signons across the vast
lands of =maine. And for those who did survive, life was
just not the same. Term-Talk, otherwise known as the Tower
Of Babble, crumbled to the ground. Other features such as
Avatar and Talkomatic were disabled for periods of time,
keeping people at bay during the daytime hours. Slowly, but
surely, life in =maine began to slowly return to normal, and
as long as Deb was happy, everyone was happy.

Now before we make the connection between NovaNET and
Spam, here is a few things that everyone should know about
Spam.

Spam had its beginnings back in 1937 when Jay Hormel,
one of the major people of the Hormel Meat Company, found out
that several thousand extra pounds of pork shoulder existed
within one of their storehouses, and they had to find a quick
solution to get rid of it in anyway before the meat rotten
and caused a bigger mess than it already was doing. Jay
Hormel decided that it would be a good idea to have the meat
shipped to his secret laboratory. He took the meat and began
to mix different products into it. A big black puff of
smoke rose from one particular combination, and it caused
such a flash that Jay had to look away for a second. After
several seconds after the flash, he looked and saw a cubical
piece of meat that took the place of all the ingrediants that
he mixed together. Daringly, he tasted the product. It did
taste kinda strange, but it was not beyond all hope. In
fact, it tasted well enough that it would take care of the
extra meat that they had rotting in storage. He then began
to market it under Hormel luncheon meat, which many people
decided was the dumbest name to come into existance since
Fresca, so an emergency meeting was held to find a better
name for the new substance. The President declared that the
person who came up with the new name for the meat would
receive $100. Mady people sitting at that table pondered the
idea for a few minutes, then all of sudden, Kenneth Daigneau
stood up, yelled out “SPAM” and ran down the hallway.
Surprised, YET quick to adapt, the luncheon meat was forever
dubbed with that ever-holy name and most everyone saw that it
was good, as soon it achieved itself into its current
definition — A meat substance that is consumed at the rate
of 3.8 cans per second and is sold in more thant 50
countries. The meat was so popular that Margaret Thatcher
ate it for Christmas dinner in 1943 and Nikita Khrishchev
called it one of the only things to keep the Soviet Army
alive.

Then 50 years later, Spam had a birthday. The luncheon
meat was featured in Minnesota and in many different ways —
a luncheon that featured an “all you can eat” Spam Breakfast
for $1.99. Also, there were Spam Pizzas and Spam submarine
sandwitches (which is not what crashed into the Blimp, or was
it?). There was also a Spam eating contest where contestants
were times as they ate a 7-ounce can of Spam. Fingers were
the only utensils that were allowed during the contest and
they could only drink a 7 ounce glass of water. There was
also a Spam sculpting contest where artist were “free” to
express themselves. Also, this jamboree featured the Spam
recipe contest, with live bands, and bicycle and foot races.
Also, A Spam King and Queen were chosen.

What kind of connection does this have with anything,
you might ask yourself. It started with NovaNET with
something like this.

Laecretius, a powerful sorcerer under the control of
Raphael Dareau, was cruising around level 14 in a NovaNET
game called Avatar

[UNFINISHED]

0

ZDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD?
3 Compliments Of 12-20-1991 3
3 3
3 =PURGATORY BBS 3
3 (207)-866-2399 3
3 3
3 SysOps: Thanatos and Raphael Dareau 3
@DDDDDDDDDDDDDBDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDBDDDDDDDDDDDDY
3 3
3The Story Of Spam – Volume 3 1/23
3Much Ado About Nothing In Orono!3
@DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDY

BRIEF INTRODUCTION

The last “Story Of Spam” was the longest that ever
existed and many people complained about its 9 page length,
commenting that the text seemed to be constant blabber … as
if it was a term paper that needed to be an EXACT length and
a person wanted to find a way to extend some words. That is
why this text is coming into existence — to keep things
concise, clear, and less wordy. Plus, there was some
inconsistencies that were noticed in the story, which will be
corrected in the following text.

ANOTHER BRIEF INTRODUCTION

This is the Story Of Spam. The title is not fitting
however in this text as it had been in others. In order to
keep the reader disinterested in the text, some other things
have been added, hence the name “Much Ado About Nothing In
Orono.” However, this text will be kept from becoming a
constant blabber and if you do not like this new text, then
please feel obligated to stick your head in a bucket of
piranha fish. Also, some of the names of the people in this
text have NOT been changed, and they will probably will never
be able to get another decent job. Also, this will be the
last story of Spam for the rest of the year.

IIIII n the beginning, there was NovaNET. However, due to a
I tragic blimp accident, much of the history of NovaNET
I was lost. However, much is known about this computer
I system after something called The Matt Thomas Era,
IIIII which is an era that NovaNET signons were flung around
like pennies in a auditorium that contains McKernan.
However, at the start of recorded history, things began to
change quickly. The entire universe was in shock as the
Debmeister and The Guardian Of The Lips swooped down on
NovaNETland and began to viciously attack people like crazed
piranhas. And those who did survive the attack that caused
the eventual collapse of the Matt Thomas era was subjected to
NovaNET poverty and could do little or nothing. The Tower Of
Babbling was destroyed, which destroyed Term-Talk instantly.
Talkomatic was damaged as well, but it was not as hit as
hard. According to legend, which was written in two large
stone tablets that were carried down from Mt. Urbana,
troutman/dialup/nova was the only one that was not effected,
as his aurora was the best deflector for anything that the
Lips and the Debmeister could dish out. The stone tablets
turned out to be the Ten Commandments Of NovaNET, which were
given to troutman during his visit to Mt. Urbana by the Great
One after he solved his quest for a Shiva. This transaction
truly marked the end of the Matt Thomas era.

SPAM

W W orking late one night in 1937 in his secret
W W laboratory, Jay Hormel had a deadline lurking. He
W W W worked at the Hormel Meat Company and he had several
WW W WW thousand extra pounds of pork shoulder that he did
WWWWW not know what to do with — and he had to find
something to do with all the extra meat before it
rotted. He then began to mix different products into the
meat and then a big black puff of smoke came up from the
mixture and Jay averted his eyes from the sight. When he
finally looked at the final product, he saw a huge cubical
piece of meat. Carefully, he tasted the product, which
tasted a bit odd, but yet had possibilities. He then began
to market it as Hormel Luncheon Meat, which was as lame as
the word “hip.” Because of this lame name, a emergency
meeting was held and the President Of Hormel offered $100 for
a person to come up with a catchy name. After several
minutes of pondering, Kenneth Daigneau stood up, yelled
“SPAM”, and ran down the hallway. Surprised, yet quick to
adapt, the luncheon meat was dubbed the ever-holy name and
the meat began to reproduce into its current definition — A
meat substance that is consumed at the rate of 3.8 cans per
second and is sold in more than 50 countries. Margaret
Thatcher ate it for Christmas dinner in 1943 and Nikita
Khrushchev called it the only thing to keep the Soviet Army
alive.

Then 50 years later, Spam’s birthday was celebrated in
Minnesota. The luncheon meat was featured in many different
ways — a luncheon that featured a “all you can eat” Spam
Breakfast for $1.99. Also, there was Spam Pizza and Spam
submarine sandwitches. There was a Spam eating contest where
contestants were timed as they ate a 7-ounce can of Spam.
Only fingers were allowed, no utensils, and the only thing
that they could drink was a 7 ounce glass of water. There
was also a Spam sculpting contest, in which artist could show
their favorite medium to work in. Also, the jamboree
featured the Spam recipe contest, with live bands, and
bicycle and foot races. Also, A Spam King And Queen was
chosen.

Also, much literature and music was written about the
meat substance.

3001: A SEARCH FOR SPAM

As I made my way down the tunnel toward my favorite
hangout, I got a pain in my stomach. I had only felt this
way once before, but that was many years ago. The doctor
told me that it was gas, but I knew this was much more than
gas; it was a pain sent to me as a message from the gods. I
felt better after a while, so I proceeded to my hangout.

When I got there, it was empty except for the bartender.
I approached him and ordered one Pepsi and a disk of Spam.
He looked at me with deep concern and told me the whole
complex was out of Spam. “How could this be?” I thought.
“No Spam. Can I survive without Spam?” I asked the
bartender if there was anything I could do to help find more
Spam. He told me that a meeting was being held in the town
square on the matter, and that everybody was there now.
That’s when I realized that the pain was a message telling me
that I was the one that must save us all and find Spam.

I jumped on my motorized tricycle and headed for the
meeting. When I got there, a man was standing on a giant
Tide box he had turned into a makeshift stage. He was
saying, “As you all know, in the mid-21st century, we were
driven underground by global warming. The only thing we took
with us was a large supply of Spam, and as most of us have
discovered, that supply has run out. We have other foods to
eat, but we have all been eating Spam for so long, we now
have a physical dependence on it. Without it, we will go
mad. Our scientists have already made some digging machines
equipped with Spam radar. I say we start a search
immediately for another underground civilization that has the
technology to make Spam.”

We all agreed and headed for the machines. Two people
were assigned to each vehicle. My partner’s name was Chris.
His job was to watch the radar and mine was to drive. While
most of the groups started moving outward, I had a hunch that
the best way to go would be straight down. Chris thought I
was crazy, but he wasn’t driving. We went straight down.

After we had driven down for two hours, it became hot,
but luckily we had air conditioning. Chris watched the radar
with an eagle’s eye and his own eyes too, but there was no
sight of Spam. We traveled for several more hours. When my
stomach growled and Chris started to sweat from lack of Spam,
there was nothing to do but what we did. I broke the glass
panel labeled EMERGENCY. I took out a small can of Spam and
shared it with Chris. Of course, we had other foods in the
machine to eat, but I didn’t want anything except for Spam.
We had to find Spam now. If we didn’t find some in less than
24 hours, we would die for sure. There was no turning back.

Just when we were about to turn back, Chris told me he
had a faint Spam signal on the radar. We celebrated by
licking the empty Spam can. The longer we traveled, the
stronger the signal became. It got real hot. When Chris
told me the air conditioner had broken under the strain, I
barely heard him. We would be finding Spam soon, and that
was all that mattered. I could almost feel that slimy meat
replica going down my throat. “The Spam readings have shot
off the scale. We should be finding the mother lode any time
now,” Chris told me. Suddenly we broke through a shell into
a large chamber. A great aroma overcame us. It was Spam!

“The instruments tell me that huge ball is two things.
One, it is the very core of the Earth. Two, it is pure
Spam,” Chris said in a state of awe.

At that very moment, a small ball of moldy Spam flew
over my head. “Mold — did you see mold? I didn’t know that
stuff ever went bad,” I said to Chris. Then I spotted what
had shot the ball at us. Two cats were evidently guarding
the core. They were shooting catapults at us, but luckily
they were bad shots. A closer look made us think that their
cataracts had to do with it than luck, though. We paid them
off with some catnip, so they let us pass. We grabbed a big
chunk of Spam and headed back for the complex.

When we got back, there was a huge celebration in honor
of our Spam discovery. The crowd began chanting for a
victory speech, so I gave them one. “Yo, Adrienne, I
achieved Spamness.” – By Damon Heitland Of Ada, OK

The Monty Python Sketch – SPAM

Cut to a cafe. All the customers are Vikings. Mr. and
Mrs. Bun enter — downwards.

Mr. Bun: Morning.
Waitress: Morning.
Mr. Bun: What have you got, then?
Waitress: Well, there’s egg and bacon; egg, sausage and
bacon; egg and spam; egg, bacon and spam; egg,
bacon, sausage and spam; spam, bacon, sausage and
spam; spam, egg, spam, spam, spam, spam, baked
beans, spam, spam, spam, and spam; or lobster
thermidor aux crevettes with a mornay sauce
garnished with truffle pate, brandy and a fried egg
on top and spam.
Mrs. Bun: Have you got anything without spam in it?
Waitress: Well, there’s spam, egg, sausage and spam. That’s
not got much spam in it.
Mrs. Bun: I don’t want any spam.
Mr. Bun: Why can’t she have egg, bacon, spam and sausage?
Mrs. Bun: That’s got spam in it!
Mr. Bun: Not as much as spam, egg, sausage and spam.
Mrs. Bun: Look, could I have egg, bacon, spam and sausage
without the spam?
Waitress: Uuuuuuuggggh!
Mrs. Bun: What do you mean uuuuuggggh?! I don’t like SPAM!
Vikings: Spam, spam, spam, spam, spam … spam, spam, spam,
spam, spam … lovely spam, wonderful spam …
Waitress: Shut up. Shut up! Shut up! You can’t have egg,
bacon spam, and sausage without the spam.
Mrs. Bun: Why not?
Waitress: No, it wouldn’t be egg, bacon, spam and sausage,
would it?
Mrs. Bun: I don’t like SPAM!
Mr. Bun: Don’t make a fuss, dear. I’ll have your spam. I
love it. I’m having spam, spam, spam, spam,
spam…
Vikings: Spam, spam, spam, spam …
Mr. Bun: … baked beans, spam, spam, and spam.
Waitress: Baked beans are off.
Mr. Bun: Well can I have spam instead?
Waitress: You mean spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam,
spam, spam and spam?
Vikings: … spam, spam, spam, spam…
Mr. Bun: Yes.
Waitress: Arrrrgh!
Vikings: … lovely spam, wonderful spam …
Waitress: Shut up! Shut up!

A Hungarian enters.

Hungarian:Great boobies huneybun, my lower intestine is full
of spam, egg, spam, bacon, spam, tomato, spam…
Vikings: Spam, spam, spam, spam…
Waitress: Shut up!
Hungarian:My nipples explode…

Cut to a historian.

Historian:Another great viking victory was at the Green
Midget cafe at Bromley. Once again the Viking
strategy was the same. They sailed from these
fiords here, assembled at Trondheim and wated for
the strong north-easterly winds to blow their oaken
galleys to England whence they sailed on May 23rd.
Once in Bromley they assembled in the Green Midget
cafe and spam selecting a spam particular spam item
from the spam menu would spam, spam, spam, spam,
spam…
Vikings: Spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam … lovely
spam, wonderful spam … spam, spam, spam, spam,
spam … lovely spam, wonderful spam …

Mr. and Mrs. Bun rise into the air.

CREDITS ROLL

Monty Python’s Flying Circus
was conceived, written and spam performed by

Spam Terry Jones
Michael Spam Palin
John Spam Cleese
Graham Spam Spam
Spam Chapman
Eric Spam egg and Chips Idle
Terry Spam Sausage Spam
Egg Spam Gilliam
Also Appearing On Toast
The Fred Tomlinson Spam Egg Chips And Singers
Research Patricia Houlihan and Sausage
Make-Up Penny Penny Penny and Spam Norton
Costumes Egg Baked Beans Sausage And Tomato, Oh,
And Hazer Pethig Too
Animations By Terry (Egg On Face) Gilliam
Film Cameraman James (Spam Sausage Egg And Tomato)
Balfour (Not Sundays)
Film Editor Ray (Fried Slice and Golden Three Delicious
Millichope (Spam Extra)
Sound Chips Sausage Liverwurse, pheasant, spam
newsagents, chips, and Peter Rose
Lighting Otis (Spam’s Off Dear) Eddy
Designer Robert Robert Robert Robert Berk And Tomato
Produced By Ian (mixed Grill) Macnaughton 7/6d
BBC SPAM TV
Service Not Included

“Here is my list of demands.”

“I’m sorry, but plutonium is kinda hard to find.”

“Oh, that. You can just substitute Spam!”

-Night Court

Spamalope: “Fast as fast can be, no one will DARE to
EAT ME!”
– Mix Of The Far Side And Raphael
Dareau’s Parody Of A Famous Phrase
On America’s Funniest People.

“Isn’t it true that the state of Nebraska is entirely
made up of Spam?”
– Dave Barry, Bangor Daily News.

BACK TO NOVA

Laecretius, a fine and powerful sorcerer, was running
level 14 in Avatar, roasting and toasting monsters like all
fine young sorcerers do, and was having fun making the
millions that he usually does, when all of a sudden he ran
into something called Ninja. Ninja did not appreciate
Laecretius teleporting into his room and awakening him from
his nap, and instantly took out his Ginsu knives and sliced
through Laecretius like the tin cans in the commercials.
Laecretius yelled out “OH SPAM”, fell to the floor, and
promptly died. These words that he yelled were echoed around
the walls of the dungeon and were actually amplified so that
the entire dungeon heard his last words before Laecretius’s
total demise. Within the next few minutes, the conversations
between warriors, magicians, thieves, etc, were about Spam
and it happened so fast that it made people dizzy when they
were finally subjected to the concept. People kept talking
about their favorite items, but they wondered what it would
be like if those particular items were made of Spam, for
example, Helmet Of Spam. However, this topic was not totally
liked, as people got sick of it rather quickly and yelled out
“No more SPAM!” before they turned off their ability to
receive messages of any kind from any other player of any
kind, especially those characters that belonged to Raphael
Dareau, the creator of the new NovaNET concept.

As soon as alpert t became involved, KOR and SPAM became
one and acted like a single unit.

After the creation of the Spam phrases and the Nova
concept of it, it began to spread at a rate that could not
have been predicted by anyone. It overflowed not only
AVATAR, but Nova itself and the local Bangor BBS’s.

Meanwhile, in a galaxy far away, Felix stood on the
bridge of his Imperial StarShip watching over his dominion.
His executive officer was monitoring the status of the
portals of the other universes while Felix sat in his
Captain’s chair for the purpose of looking important. After
all, there was not much to do as he had an iron fist over
CERL and there was nothing that anyone could do about it.

Finally, he felt like he should give an order to make
himself look important.

“Lieutenant Jones, would you please open a hailing
frequency to Grog’s Pizza and have them beam up 21 large
grease bombs to go?”

“Aye-aye, sir.”

Suddenly, the red alert alarms came on and a huge vessel
appeared and fired. Felix’s Imperial StarShip shook wildly.
Felix’s Tactical Officer then announced, “Incoming Vessel
from the NOVA portal! Sensors indicate it is powered by a
improbability drive!”

Then pink blobs came out of a torpedo tube of the enemy
vessel and began to stick onto the Imperial StarShip.

“Sensors indicate no damage from the objects, however,
they are creating excess mass on our hull, decreasing our
maneuverability. The objects appear to be made of a Spam
like substance.”

“Fire all available weapons.”, Felix ordered.

Powerful weapons lanced out into space but the other
ships shields absorbed all of the energy quite nicely.

“Incoming Message from the Enemy Vessel.”

“On screen.”, Felix said with a sigh.

“Don’t be alarmed, Mr. Orotony. Be very very afraid.”

Felix kept firing, hoping that one of his phasers or
torpedoes would knock out Merlin’s main power source, a cup
of tea, but all attempts failed. Theo destroyed the Imperial
StarShip with a slingshot that was armed with a keg of Spam
and Felix’s vessel became a bowl of petunias and they sighed,
“Not again!” before being destroyed by the flick of a sperm
whales tail. However, Felix escaped in his trusty pod and
headed back to Magrathea, which is an incredible clone to
=pad. With the Spamalope, Merlin kept bombarding the planet
with his Spam missiles and The Hitchhiker’s Guide To The
Galaxy, causing CERL to collect a fleet to destroy this
nuisance. However, much of CERL was too far away to actually
kill this person, so they offered high powers to him if he
was to leave =pad alone. He agreed, but CERL squeezed out of
the agreement, which encouraged Merlin, who was eventually
joined by Raphael Dareau and Gecko (Thanatos). However, this
portal was the only way to affect CERL and things from NOVA
could not exist long within the alternate universe therefore
the attacks did not maintain themselves.

However, 21 large pizzas mysteriously appeared within
Nova on a Thursday.

Spam found several domains within the NovaNET world. It
resided not only in AVATAR and =pad, but it found it’s
homebase within =purgatory, a notesfile that was quite like
=pad, but it was locally based by Raphael Dareau and was
known to have been somewhat of a success, as people actually
used it. =Pad was the location of the portal that went to
CERL, and Merlin frequently slung Spam into the Portal, not
only hitting Felix and his Imperial StarShip, but he hit
countless innocents as well. Then once CERL devised the
ultimate defense, the Spam Shields and Death Threats, phrases
were tossed out into the portals from sources such as Monty
Python’s Flying Circus, The HitchHikers Guide To The Galaxy,
and Star Trek. The Star Trek itself was not regarded as bad,
more of a sugar coating over the rest of the material that
came through. The Death Threats did not work though, and the
Spam Shields eventually eroded under the weight.

However, the term “slinging” became quite popular, and
the Pro-Spam people became to be known as “The Slingers Of
The Spam.”

Then things became worse when many slingers were given
higher powers on NovaNET. These higher powers were known as
“meauthor”.

Then a few celebrations occurred. The Thomasrino and
Merlin decided to cook a can of Spam at midnight at Merlin’s
house. The smell quickly engulfed the entire house, causing
Merlin’s Parental Unit to be resurrected to a state of
consciousness. She quickly went to the head of the stairs
and yelled “What IS that AWFUL smell?” As last report, it
took 3 days to remove the essence of the Spam-Cookathon.

Months went by. Then the Great Felixmeister, who had
recovered enough funds to rebuild his Imperial StarShip,
decided that he would extend more powers over more of
NovaNET. He took firm control of Avatar, and then decided to
change the entire look with the current version at CERL. He
created monsters in the game that would finish the entire
game, and people made suicide runs to the lowest part of the
game and they quickly got toasted by Astral Traveller or by
some other nasty. (Laecretius got toasted by Scubbi for 2881
damage, which killed him too fast to enable him to yell “Oh
Spam.”) Then the game became different in the mass transport
from CERL to NOVA. However, Spam at this time began to
overflow into real-life in the Bangor area of Maine. Murph,
Schultz, Winn, and a few others were hit the hardest, as the
Slingers Of The Spam visited within their domain, a little
place in Orono called CAPS, a truly marvelous place that you
would not like to see. NOVA overlapped this place, and
people frequently went here to use Nova en masse, creating
huge groups of Characters to go down into the dungeon of
AVATAR to make money. One such group was called =zhentarim,
a group that was in direct competition with =warlond.
=Warlond was headed by the mysterious Murphy S/Umaine, who
for some reason vanished quickly after the Incident in
Revelations.

Murph and Schultz in particular, became quite annoyed at
the visits of The Slingers Of The Spam, and Schultz, who ran
the head-Warlock at the time, announced universally, “NO
WARLOCK SHALL EAT SPAM!”, not that they really paid any
attention. Murph bombarded the group by asking them: Do you
have any thing else better to do?/Do you have homes?/I’ll pay
you $5 if you go home RIGHT NOW. Raphael Dareau retaliated
with Merlin and Gecko acting as shields. However, the CAPS
group did have hearts, and decided that perhaps that if they
rescued these souls from the afterlife when they died in
AVATAR, that they might concede to their ideas. This never
happened however.

Then the Gods Of NovaNET got together in a conference
about the entire ordeal on Nova. They took special attention
to the course that the Spam ideals were taking, and they
decided it was much more obtrusive than anything that had
occurred. They decided to take action, showing these pitiful
people that they could me much more OBTRUSIVE than anything
else in the world. After they had completed this, they were
delighted with the results. They had made CERL and NOVA one
whole and complete Universe, taking away the breathing Space
that the Slingers Of The Spam had. Besides, this action
saved them $1 million a year, because it was very hard to
clean CERL from all the soiling the Slung-Spam had caused
them.

It was at this time in history that Raphael Dareau
to coin the phrase, “I’d like to change your mind…by
hitting it with a rock…”

Then it happened. Judgement Day.

The Debmeister swooped back down to the Earth and began
to attack people again, like the last time, but this time for
keeps. Again, Jim Troutman remained unaffected, as all blows
and such things that caused most of the other people on the
System to die remained ineffective. Indeed, few people
remained. Raphael Dareau survived, but barely. Murph, Winn,
and Schultz still survived. Leonardo still survives also.
Then, Debbe sucked all the ports out of existence, cutting
many contacts. A few of these people had signons, but they
had no way to use them — except for the rare occasion that
the fabric of the local universe wears thin and the Nova
universe is visible through the crack in the fabric.

Then Spam slowly began to fizzle out. However, before
it lost more of it’s sight, Raphael Dareau, Merlin, and Gecko
found out that Spam Pizza was not wholely bad (Even though
Gecko wanted his stomach pumped for a second time.), that
Merlin’s Parental Unit can be made to evaculate the house
quickly and more efficently than ever imagined. The Boy’s
locker room at Orono High School has a piece of Spam hidden
in the panels at the top of the ceiling — which has been
there since November 3rd, 1991 (The Rats Haven’t Touched It
Yet.) — and Gecko had to do this to keep his parents from
poking and staring at it all of the time in the freezer.
Merlin also discovered a Can Of Spam in a stocking on
Christmas morning, which his Mom and his sister thought was
hilarious, until Merlin threated to cook it then and there.
The Spam Incident happened at the John Bapst Library, where
three members of the Anti-Spam (Leo, Don and the Sexman) took
a can of Spam that Raphael Dareau brought in, and threw it
across the entire room, causing the can to split when it hit
the floor, causing a horid smell and mess. The library still
smells like Spam to this day. (And the librarian thinks it
is a new wood cleaner.) Gecko has chased several teachers
away with just the mentioning of Spam. And finally, the
Thomasrino has decided to become Anti-Spam.

However, a prophet on top of King’s Mountain decided
that it was written in the stars that Spam would make a
comeback some day in the near future, that is, if Eloise
Daniels doesn’t make it completely as a Cartoon Superhero
with Dan Quayle.

The Slingers Of The Spam wait for its return…

However there are those who believe that Spam has
changed into another form. One of thses forms that it is
believed to had becomed is that of a IBM computer program
called TriTel. Tritel, however, resembled KOR more than it
resembles Spam, but this may not be entirely true. The only
real simularity between Spam and TriTel is that is was made
almost by the same way.

M.G. was working on his latest BBS program, which for
some reason did not seem to be working at the time, but he
spend many sleepless nights working on this program, a
supposed replacement for many BBS types. However, after many
times debugging the program, he finally was satified with the
package. It was at this time that he and Mutant Slime
decided it was time to give the program life. M.G. placed
the TriTel disk on a bench, and put electrical wires on the
disk and clamped them to the media. Then after clearing the
immediate area, Mark threw a huge switch, causing electricity
from Bangor Hydro to flow into the disk. Then the disk began
to move and Mutant Slime announced, “It’s ALIVE!!”

Indeed, at that point, TriTel was born, and it began to
spread in almost the same exact way as Spam did, but on a
grander scale. Within 2 months, people in Europe heard about
TriTel and began to use it. But unlike Spam, TriTel’s growth
did not reach the “deadly plateau”, but it kept growing.
However, people decided that TriTel was not wholely KOR, as
it is editable, unlike KOR.

Several recipies were made involving triTel, but to
conserve space, we ask that you look at “How To Eat TriTel”,
written by the same author as this publication.

Or was it?

If you hate these texts, you probabally won’t like these
ones either:

y The Story Of Spam
y The Story Of Spam, Volume 2
y The Story Of Spam, Volume 3
y How To Eat TriTel
y Story Of TriTel
y Adventures Of Eloise Daniels the HEROINE.

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Disclaimer

This is The Story Of Spam as recalled from a time not so
long ago, even though some people wish it was. The contents
of the following text can confuse and mangle the fabric of
peoples minds, so be warned. Most of the following is sadly
true, but it did mark a permanent mark in a few peoples
lives. This is the tale on how it all began.

Enjoy this text!
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Working late one night in 1937 in his secret labratory,
Jay Hormel had a deadline lurking. He worked at the Hormel
Meat Company and he had several thousand extra pounds of pork
shoulder that he did not know what to do with – and he had to
find something to do with all this extra meat before it
rotted. He then began to mix different products into the
meat and then a big black puff of smoke came up from the
mixture and Jay averted his eyes from the sight. When he did
finally look, a huge cubical piece of meat came into
existence. He tasted the product, which seemed to taste a
bit odd, but it had possibilities. Then then began to market
it as Hormel Luncheon Meat, which was as lame as the word
“hip.” Because of this lame name, a emergency meeting was
held and the President Of Hormel offered $100 for a person to
come up with a catchy name. Several minutes of pondering
when on. Then finally, Kenneth Daigneau stood up, yelled
“SPAM” and ran down the hallway. Surprised, yet quick to
adapt, the luncheon meat was dubbed “SPAM” and it began to
spread to its current modern definition – A meat substance
that is consumed at the rate of 3.8 cans per second.

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Laecretius, who lived in the continous realm of Avatar,
was a relatively powerful sorcerer and enjoyed his life of
roasting and toasting monsters like all fine young sorcerers
do. He ran level 14 with pride, despite the wise words of
those who knew better – he kept on roasting and toasting
monsters like any fine young and relatively powerful sorcerer
does. Then one fine day, while teleporting to the level he
loved best (14, of course!), he teleported into a Ninja
encounter. Ninja was a formidable opponent when the player
had all the upper advantages, but this time the Ninja was
prepared as he came out of hiding and cut Laecretius in two
before Laecretius knew what was going on. Laecretius thudded
to the floor of the dungeon and yelled out “OH SPAM” before
his mortal wound caught up with him. These words bounced off
the walls of Avatar and many people heard of these words.

The people that did hear these words, like the people at
Hormel, were surprised, but still quick to adapt, and began
to spread the word of SPAM and began to assimilate it into
their normal language. For two hours straight after the word
of SPAM was leaked, people continously babbled about it.
Phrases such as “Your ear is filled with SPAM” and “You were
teleported in solid SPAM.” and began to think of such items
such as “Wand Of Spam” and “Helmet Of Spam”. The people who
did not think that this was a positive thing to talk about
shouted, “No MORE SPAM.”, joined the Anti-Spam Legion, shut
off their ability to receive messages from other players, and
continued their existance. The people that began to enjoy
the entire concept joined the Spam, and continueed on with
their daily routines. The people who just did not care
joined the Neutral Luncheon Meat (which split into groups
like Bologna, MeatLoaf, and The Rabid Children, but these
groups did not last long.) which acted like a apathetic
society. However, these Anti-Spam groups could not stop the
inevitable filling of Avatar with SPAM. It began to take
over the game and people’s E-message topics. Then it soon
overflowed into other parts of NovaNET and began to spread at
an uncontrolable rate.

After overflowing to the AUTHOR prompt, it then moved
over to =pad. =Pad was the most popular and most widely read
notesfile in existance on Nova and Cerl. Soon, Spam became
one of the many commonly used topics in Pad and it then began
to overflow to CERL, thanks to the System Link. The CERL
people, who were godly to the entire system, found this
concept in the notes that they read and they generally did
not like and enjoy it, and soon after reading the 1,000th
note about it, they began to send out death threats to the
Slingers Of The Spam, which is what they were now called
instead of the Spam, which was a dull name like Hormel
Luncheon Meat. Merlin, who frequented =pad, began to sling
Spam at the Felixmeister, who seemed to hate the entire
concept from the beginning, freshly every day and got several
people in the crossfire. These people did not enjoy it and
joined the people of CERL in their attempts to keep The
Slingers Of The Spam quiet. The people at CERL began to
realize that death threats were not threatening enough and
none of them had enough money to fly to Maine therefore they
began to try and bribe the Slingers Of The Spam with high
level signons. However, they failed because they could not
pull through with their end of the deal, and this just
encouraged these Slingers to double their efforts. Pretty
soon, SPAM found its home base. These places were called
TalkLine, =spam, and =purgatory. =Purgatory was the =pad of
Maine, and soon became popular between the Slingers, Antis,
and the Neutrals alike. However, this ended up to be the
main babbling point, which inevitably included SPAM.
TalkLine was a babbling point also designed for people to
just babble at each other live. Version 3 – 5 of this
program proved to do this quite well and soon replaced
confcall and TalkoMatic – which also meant that the focal
point of NovaSex was moved as well on the Spam side of
things. =Spam, created by Merlin, was the real place were
people sling Spam. Every note in there for a good solid two
months were about the meat and people soon left this for
=purgatory, which had a little more variety in luncheon
meats. TalkLine was abandoned by a few because they were
quite annoyed because a new version of the program was
practically written every week – and when it did work
properly, people were being obtrusive to each other because
they continued to use the TERM-boot option, which had the
ability to remove anyone from the lesson – and for some
reason people did not like to be removed from a lesson when
they are having a hearty conversation with another person.

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Several months went by and then the great Felixmeister
announced that a new Avatar was about to be born. Many
people panicked and began to give away very useful items for
little or no price. Then the change happened, a new realm of
Avatar was born, and many people thought that the slinging of
the Spam would end with the death of the old Avatar.
However, that statement was incorrect and Spam was brought
back to Avatar and coused the Anti-Spam to revolt more. This
sudden revolt caused the Spam to revolt more. Things in
general, however, were a bit more discreet than when Spam
first come out and conflicts were more localized. It was
during this time when Murph walked into =purgatory, fed up
with the SPAM concept, and uttered with his non-existant lips
at the top of his voice, “NO WARLOCK SHALL EAT SPAM.” Many
people pondered with interest and confusion. Shortly after
he yelled this, Merlin, joined by NovaTeflon and Raphael
Dareau (who were leaders of the Slingers Of The Spam), began
to make frequent trips to CAPS, where NovaNETers like Murph
where known to frequent. Soon, in a fit of agony, Murph
uttered out at 3 in the morning, “Who in the HELL started
this ***! SPAM thing.” The real culprit, Raphael Dareau,
began to sulk in his chair and continued to play Epigoni, one
of the Spam characters in Avatar. The main Slinger Of Spam,
Merlin, laughed out loud evilily and said he was. Murph
agreed that he was a likely candidate for doing such a thing.
NovaTeflon just remained passive and pointed to Theo. It was
also a common fact that when Murph began to become irratated
with the Slingers Of The Spam “living” at Neville Hall, he
began to ask, “Don’t you guys have HOMES.” They just
replied, “No, and continueed to sling Spam.”

And then life went on as usual with Spam.

Until…

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One hot and lazy day when no one was expecting it, The
Debmeister swooped down from her own universe and instantly
sucked all the NovaNET ports out of existance, which was the
cause of the collapse of the local universe around Bangor,
Maine. The people who frequented NovaNET were in shock,
suffered NovaNET withdrawls, and began to go increadably
insane before recovering. However, with the collapse of the
universe, Spam somehow survived. This time it spread to
other forms such as BBS Electronic Mail and then it spread to
actual life things. The Slingers Of The Spam groups began to
organize at JBMHS and Orono High School, which a few people
did not understand, but were forced to accept the ideas.
Many BBS’s began to overflow with Spam, much like Avatar did,
and then it became obtrusive to the Anti-Spam. It became
MUCH worse when The Electra Byte came into existance and
surported a few things that Nova had. One of these things is
that more than one person could use the System at a time.
This allowed for the Slingers Of The Spam to be obtrusive to
others live, just like NovaNET offered. Many people liked
the ideas, others hated it. This went on as usual life and
it fluctuated in and out of existance and life went on in its
usual cycle. Gorgon joined the SPAM group and began to yell
everytime he appeared, “It is Raph, the SpamMan with all the
answers.” This got on the Anti-Spam nerves and they just
began to leave Electra Byte BBS every time they heard this.
You could even hear their footsteps as they ran down the
hallway. Then NovaTeflon decided to run a local Bangor BBS
to increase his obtrusiveness in the local area, and it did
prove to be very obtrusive.

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On May 18th, 1990, was the infamous Spam festival that
was held in Minnesota. The luncheon meat was featured in
many different ways – a luncheon that featured a “all you can
eat” Spam Breakfast for $1.99. Also, there was Spam
sandwitches for 99 cents as well as Spam Pizza and Spam
submarine sandwiches.

Also, there was the Spam eating contest where
contestants will be times as they ate a 7-ounce can of Spam.
Only fingers were allowed, no utensils, and the only thing
they could drink was a 7 ounce glass of water. There was
also a Spam sculpting contest, in which artists could show
their favorite median to work in. Also the jamboree featured
the Spam recipe contest, with live bands, cicycle and foot
races. Also, A Spam King and Queen was chosen.

Other noteworthy things about Spam that is not so known
are:

* Margaret Thatcher ate it for Christmas dinner in 1943.

* Nikita Khrushchev called it the only thing to keep the
Soviet Army alive.

* It is sold in more thant 50 countries.

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Many noteworthy things in the history of Spam has
occured in recent months around the Bangor Area. On the Last
Day of something called High School, Raphael Dareau brought
in a can of Spam at a tournament. The Anti-Spam at this
School, which consisted with Leo, Don, and the Sexman, called
foul and took the can and tossed it across the school library
where it promptly split open and spread all over the place.
As soon as the can split, the library began to fill with the
noticeable smell of Spam – which the library still smells
like to this day. Finally, a person decided that they should
clean up the meat before it rotted in the library.

In another corner of the Universe, NovaTeflon began to
spread it around their High School where it was somewhat more
accepted than it was at Raphael’s side of the universe.
However, a few people still did not accept the idea. Indeed,
one teacher in the middle of a study hall heard NovaTeflon
and yelled out, “No MORE SPAM!” and ran down the hallway as
fast as she could. Since then, there has been surprisingly
very little people in that part of the universe that is part
of the Anti-Spam. For what it exists there, all we know is
that the organization as we know it revolves around someone
called the Thomasrino, also a fellow NovaNETer, but for some
reason, probabally due to the destruction of the Matt Thomas
Era, did not witness the birth of this new concept.

A few nights later, Merlin and a person who wishes to
remain unknown, was up at midnight cooking some of the meat.
The smell began to immediately engulf the entire house and
within a matter of minutes, his mother woke up due to the
smell, walked down the stairs and asked, “Theo, what IS that
stuff you are cooking?” “Spam”, he replied. His Mom turned
a greenish color, said “That’s Nice” and went back to bed.
But she was obviously not a happy camper.

If you can recall that in the earlier volumes of The
Story Of Spam that was the last thing to occur in Spam
History, we now will tell you that more events have occured.
On one fine November day this year, NovaTeflon, Merlin, and
Raphael Dareau got together and began to be obtrusive with
Spam again. With the power of the three-some, they broke the
barrier that the Debmeister had made for 25 minutes and they
visited =purgatory again. However, it was not filled with
Spam – it was just there with hardly anything new in there.
However, within its deep archives was notes about the
luncheon meat which still existed, as well as details about
“Let’s Watch Abner Dodge The Dodge.” and “The Top Ten List Of
Things I Will Have To Run Over Before I Get My Driver’s List”
by Raphael Dareau. Just on a tangent, Raphael Dareau has
only run over 3 of the 10 things in that list. And in
=purgatory, it is of interest to note that this is where
Leonardo Borowski came, left, came again, left again, came
back again, left again, and then came back again.

Back to the story, the latest Spam incident was that
around 4pm one fine Saturday in November, 1991, was that
Raphael Dareau, NovaTeflon, and Merlin were getting hungry
and decided to have something to eat. They walked down the
closest story, via Eyeballs house, and picked up 2 cheese
pizzas, a can of Spam, and 4 liters of a dull Orange soda.
They then fried the Spam at Merlin’s house, again filling the
house with the smell, which caused Merlin’s parental unit to
abandon the house for several hours, and then layered the
cheese pizza with Spam. They then took the final product,
took it into Merlin’s living room and began to consume the
product while watching Doctor Who. Everything seemed to be
all right except that everyone lost track of time and then
they remembered that they had to leave Merlin’s house soon.
However, everything was not lost as NovaTeflon collected two
slices of left-over Spam and took it for the purposes of
Slinging at school. Raphael Dareau and NovaTeflon left
Merlin’s house and walked to his house, where Raphael’s ride
was waiting. Then, according to legend, NovaTeflon put the
slices of Spam in the freezer, where his parental units could
stare at it, poke at it, wonder what it is made of, etc.
However, we do not know yet what results came about when
NovaTeflon slung the Spam at school. That will be covered in
The Story Of Spam, Volume IV.

This is the entire current history that had been brought
up to date as of November 3rd, 1991. We hoped that you
enjoyed the text, despite its length. If you have anything
to add to the story, either stick your head in a bucket of
pihrana fish, or contact either Merlin, Raphael Dareau, or
NovaTeflon. You can find these three at CAPS or on the local
BBS’s. Also, Raphael Dareau has been known to invade
pizzarias that have the speciality of pepperoni and Spam
pizzas.
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We will conclude this story with the TRUE story of Spam,
as known by the BBC and Monty Python.

Cut to a cafe. All the customers are Vikings. Mr. and
Mrs. Bun enter — downwards.

Mr. Bun: Morning.

Waitress: Morning.

Mr. Bun: What have you got, then?

Waitress: Well, there’s egg and bacon; egg, sausage and
bacon; egg and spam; egg, bacon and spam; egg, bacon, sausage
and spam; spam, bacon, sausage and spam; spam, egg, spam,
spam, bacon and spam; spam, spam, spam, egg and spam; spam,
spam, spam, spam, baked beans, spam, spam, spam, and spam; or
lobster thermidor aux crevettes with a mornay sauce garnished
with truffle pate, brandy and a fried egg on top and spam.

Mrs. Bun: Have you got anything with spam in it?

Waitress: Well, there’s spam, egg, sausage and spam. That’s
not got much spam in it.

Mrs. Bun: I don’t want any spam.

Mr. Bun: Why can’t she have egg, bacon, spam and sausage?

Mrs. Bun: That’s got spam in it!

Mr. Bun: Not as much as spam, egg, sausage and spam.

Mrs. Bun: Look, could I have egg, bacon, spam and sausage
without the spam?

Waitress: Uuuuuuugggggh!

Mrs. Bun: What do you mean uuuuugggggh! I don’t like SPAM!

Vikings: Spam, spam, spam, spam, spam … spam, spam, spam,
spam, spam … lovely spam, wonderful spam…

Waitress: Shut up. Shut up! Shut up! You can’t have egg,
bacon, spam and sausage without the spam.

Mrs. Bun: Why not?

Waitress: No, it wouldn’t be egg, bacon, spam and sausage,
would it?

Mrs. Bun: I don’t like SPAM!

Mr. Bun: Don’t make a fuss, dear. I’ll have your spam. I
love it. I’m having spam, spam, spam, spam, spam…

Vikings: Spam, spam, spam, spam…

Mr. Bun: …baked beans, spam, spam and spam.

Waitress: Baked beans are off.

Mr. Bun: Well can I have spam instead?

Waitress: You mean spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam,
spam, spam and spam?

Vikings: …spam, spam, spam, spam….

Mr. Bun: Yes.

Waitress: Arrrggh!

Vikings: … lovely spam, wonderful spam…

Waitress: Shut up! Shut up!

A Hungarian enters.

Hungarian: Great boobies honeybun, my lower intestine is full
of spam, egg, spam, bacon, spam, tomato, spam…

Vikings: Spam, spam, spam, spam…

Waitress: Shut up!

Hungarian: My nipples explode….

Cut to an historian…

Historian: Another great Viking victory was at the Green
Midget cafe at Bromley. Once again the Viking strategy was
the same. They sailed from these fiords here, assembled at
Trondheim and waited for the strong north-easterly winds to
blow their oaken galleys to England whence they sailed on May
23rd. Once in Bromley they assembled in the Green Midget
cafe and spam selecting a spam particular spam item from the
spam menu would spam, spam, spam, spam, spam…

Vikings: Spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam …
lovely spam, wonderful spam…spam, spam, spam, spam, spam…
lovely spam, wonderful spam…

Mr. and Mrs. Bun rise into the air.

Credits Roll:

Monty Python’s Flying Curcus
was conceived, written and spam performed by
Spam Terry Jones
Michael Spam Palin
John Spam John Spam
John Spam Cleese
Graham Spam Spam
Spam Chapman
Eric Spam egg and Chips Idle
Terry Spam Sausage Spam
Egg Spam Gilliam
Also Appearing On Toast:
The Fred Tomlinson Spam Egg Chips and Singers
Research Patricia Houlihan and Sausage
Make-Up Penny Penny Penny and Spam Norton
Costumes Egg Baked Beans Sausage And Tomato, Oh,
And Hazer Pethig Too
Animations By Terry (Egg On Face) Gilliam
Film Cameraman James (Spam Sausage Egg And Tomato)
Balfour (Not Sundays)
Film Editor Ray (Fried Slice and Golden Three Delicious)
Millichope (Spam Extra)
Sound Chips Sausage Liverwurst, pheasant, spam
newsagents, chips, and Peter Rose
Lighting Otis (Spam’s Off Dear) Eddy
Designer Robert Robert Robert Robert Berk And Tomato
Produced By Ian (mixed Grill) Macnaughton 7/6d
BBC SPAM TV
Service Not Included

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Other Texts:

* The Story Of Spam
* The Story Of Spam, Volume Two
* The Story Of Spam, Volume Three
* The Story Of TriTel
* The Story Of TriTel, Volume Two
* How To Eat TriTel

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=Purgatory BBS – Located In Orono, Maine.
(207)-866-2399 SysOp: Thanatos
Co-Sysops: Raphael Dareau and FSO

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3The Story Of Spam – Volume Two3
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This is the story of Spam as remembered from a time not
so long ago…And this is how it all began…

One day in a multi-player game called Avatar,
Laecretius, a fine and powerful sorcerer was running one of
the lower levels of the game and roasting and toasting
monsteres like all fine young sorcerers do. Then he ran into
Ninja — which instantly trashed Laecretius. However, before
dying, Laecretius managed to utter “OH SPAM!” before hitting
the floor. All those in the game heard this cry; although
they were completely caught off guard, they managed to adapt
and began to spread the legend of Spam. It went through many
changes of its form within that day from “Wand Of Spam” all
the way to “You were teleported in solid SPAM” were heard.
Pretty soon, chaos broke out in Avatar as characters began to
yell out their favorite Avatar items — and briefly mentioned
that they were made of Spam such as “Helmet Of Spam” and
“Spam Bracers”. Soon after three hours of this, the people
who played the game seriously began to become very annoyed
and uttered, “No MORE SPAM!” before turning off the ability
to recieve the messages from other players. Although this
stopped the Spam slinging for the day…it did not stop it.
In fact, the slinging of the Spam just had begun. It
continued in Avatar upon unsuspecting characters and players
and in several notesfile. Soon, even the great Felixmeister
began to hear of the Legend Of Spam, and as soon as that
happened, it was confirmed that Nova began to reproduce the
luncheon meat.

Then Felixmeister the Great zapped the great Avatar game
from existance and put in a so called “new and improved”
version of the game — and when he deleted the game, he took
the characters that we knew and loved with it. However, this
did not cause the death of the Legend Of Spam. It continued
to spread via the famous words of Raphael Dareau, Crunch,
Merlin, AIESHA, HAMMERCROM, Irongrond, Beth. All the others
that slung the spam are just insignifigant. Soon the game of
Avatar Mark II began to immediately fill with Spam. It
filled up so much it overflowed into other games and other
NovaNET groups such as NHS and RVELKS. Soon all of
Cherryfield, Maine, and Springerville, Arizona, heard of Spam
via a legendary program called TalkLine, written by none
other than Raphael Dareau and Merlin. TalkLine, in
combination with it’s notesfile =purgatory, made Spam history
as it began to spread faster than anyone expected. Merlin
created the notesfile =spam and linked it with =purgatory.
Pretty soon Spam overflowed TalkLine, =purgatory, and =spam
and went straight for the heart of =pad.

=Pad is considered to be the most important and most
read notesfile in existance on NovaNET. And Spam began to
spread through there faster than a lawyer goes to a scene of
an accident. Pretty soon, it became a everyday occurance for
Merlin to sling Spam at the great Felixmeister — who
regretted every minute of it. Pretty soon everyone in =pad
got annoyed at Merlin’s Spam slinging and Felix’s general
attempts at just being obtrusive back at Merin — but the
whole situation became even worse when Merlin and Crunch
began to post the entire novel “The HitchHiker’s Guide To The
Galaxy”. And as =pad was being filled, it became much worse
on Avatar. Avatar was soaked with Spam, and half the
population of the game regretted hearing the word of Spam —
and this broke the entire game into factions — The Slingers
Of The Spam, The Neutral Luncheon Meat, and the Anti-Spam.
The leaders of the Anti-Spam were jude/mainei and The Lipless
One, who declared from his non-existant lips, “No Warlock
Shall Eat Spam.” This brought on a series of events such as
frequent trips to CAPS, the place at the UM where NovaNETers
hung around. Merlin just went there to bother the great
Lipless one as well as Crunch and Raphael Dareau on occasion.
Soon, in a fit of agony, the Lipless One yelled out at 3 in
the morning, “Who in the HELL started this SPAM STUFF?”
Raphael Dareau and Merlin remained silent while Crunch had
disappeared within the Avatar dungeon in a desperate attempt
to escape. Raphael Dareau just grinned brillantly and
contined to spread his creation through Epigoni, the new
leader of the Spam Slingers. Pretty soon people began to
bribe the Slingers Of The Spam with High Powered Signons,
which did not work, and it eventually lead to death threats
from the people of CERL.

However, this was all temporary — About 3 months later
the Debmeister came out of her own universe and sucked all
the NovaNET ports from existance — causing a chain reaction
that caused the eventual collapse of the universe in Bangor,
Maine. Even though CAPS still exists it became a barren
wasteland. However, frequent collisions with the NovaNET
system do occur there through the semi-godly powers of
Merlin.

However, since the universe in Bangor was a barren
wasteland, The Slingers Of The Spam began to spread Spam in a
entirely new fashion — Through the uses of local BBS systems
and NETs which send messages to other people in the United
States. Soon Raphael Dareau, Merlin and Crunch “The Gold Is
In Your Eat But It Doesn’t Melt In Your Hands” began to
spread it through the Local BBS’s starting with Pinnacle Club
II and James Bond Hideaway. And after a period of time from
which the local universe itself was bombarded with the
concept of Spam, people began to use aliases such as
“SpamMan” and more interesting phrases were created such as
“It is Raph, the SpamMan with all the answers,” “Eat Your
Spam, Little Boy” which eventually transformed into “Eat Your
TriTel, Little Boy”, but that will become a entirely
different story (read The Story Of TriTel by Raphael Dareau).

Pretty soon Balzac came into the picture and with him
came a whole new collection of BBS’s to spread the legend of
Spam. The great one, called Electra Byte BBS, became Spam
Central as it was like Avatar in many ways — multiuser!
People there got tired of Spam and shut the messages from The
Slingers Of The Spam off, all except the few who would
actually listen.

And it was now that the Nationally Famous Spam Festival
in Minnesota took place. However, none of the Slingers Of
The Spams had enough funding to attend, but they were there
in their soul, wishing they could have been in the Spam
Sculpting Contest.

And then Spam split in two and began to spread in
different directions.

One branch went to Orono High School and another went to
John Bapst Memorial High School. Raphael Dareau, a well
known person there, began to spread it amoung his fellow
comrades. Half of them hated the entire concept and became
the Anti-Spam. A few joined The Neutral Luncheon Meat and
changed their name to just “Vienna Sausages” while Raphael
Dareau and Mike “The Gavmeister” became the eventual leaders
of the Spam inside the school community. Leo, Don and the
Sexman headed the leadership of the Anti-Spam while the
Vienna Sausage just became like a socialist society within
the John Bapst System.

This finally led to the Spam Incident, in which case
Raphael Dareau brought in a can of Spam at a local
tournament. The Anti-Spam basically called foul, broke open
the can of Spam, and engulfed the library with its odor. The
Slingers Of The Spam immediately called sacrilidge and began
to worship the Spam before a kind person decided to clean it
up before it rotted.

Back to other news, Crunch and Merlin spread it around
Orono High School and not much is known about what is
happening there — although the rumor of a teacher running
hysterically out of a classroom after Crunch bombareded her
with Spam in class…..However, the situation there is
becoming worse as factions within the school is beginning to
show. The organization of the Anti-Spam appears to be
revolving around someone called The Thomasrino.

However, our story does not end here. Raphael Dareau
and “Gav” still control the Slingers Of The Spam, Crunch and
Merlin continue spreading it through their school and other
computer networks. The last recorded event in Spam history
was that Merlin cooked a can of Spam at 12am one fine day and
woke his Mom up with the odor. She was not a happy camper.
Crunch finally began running a BBS that slings Spam freshly
every night. However, Raphael Dareau, Merlin, and Crunch (as
well as Balzac) continue to spread the legend. They continue
to find other computer networks — and you are sure if they
enter a computer network — Spam will follow them in and
contaminate the network.

THE END

0

Exported from SPITFIRE Bulletin Board System on 09-07-91 at 13:12:15!
DATE….. : 09-07-91 13:07:12
TO……. : All Users
FROM….. : Raphael Dareau
SUBJECT.. : .

The Story Of Spam

The story of Spam as remembered from a time not so long ago….

One day in a Multi-Player game called Avatar, Laecretius, a fine and
powerful sorcerer, was running one of the lower levels of the game and
roasting and toasting monsters like all fine young sorcerers do. Then he
ran into Ninja – which instantly trashed Laecretius. But before dying,
he yelled “Oh SPAM!”, and fell to the floor. The other players of the
game heard his cry. Although they were surprised, but yet quick to
adapt, the other people in the game instantly caught on to the theory and
the ideas of Spam. Spam began to spread by word of mouth as “Wand Of
Spam”, “Helm Of Spam”, “The Spam Lord hits you critically for 1 damage.”
and this went on for several hours for that day before everyone turned
off their E-messages (Everybody Messages) and that ended that for the
day. However, they kept on going via Avatar and several notesfiles.
Even the great Felixmeister heard about SPAM.

Unfortunately, the great Felixmeister zapped Avatar and put in a “new
and improved” version of the game. All the characters as we knew them
died. However, the legend of Spam did not die off. It spread by the
word of the famous words of Raphael Dareau, Crunch, AIESHA, Merlin,
HAMMERCROM, Irongrond, Beth, and the others are just insignifigant
people. Pretty soon the entire game of Avatar seperated into factions:
The Spam, The Neutral Luncheon Meat, and The Anti-Spam. Consisting of
the Anti-Spam were jude/mainei and The Lipless One, who uttered from his
non-existant lips, “No Warlock Shall Eat Spam.” Pretty soon, things got
pretty hostile on the New-Avatar and people soon got into the habit of
turning off their E-messages every time they enetered the game. Pretty
soon the worlds of =purgatory and =spam was filled with the infamous
luncheon meat. Then =pad, the most famous notesfile in existance, filled
up with Spam. Merlin kept throwing it at regular intervals at the
Felixmeister and they became very obtrusive to the general public.
Pretty soon Spam brought about the quotings of texts such as “The
Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy” within =pad, and people started to make
death threats and went as far as offering their high power sign-ons to
the Slingers Of The Spam.

However, this was all temporary, as the Debmeister swooped down from
her own universe and sucked the NovaNET ports from existance in Bangor,
Maine and therefore caused a chain reaction that caused the eventual
collapse of the universe of Bangor. However, this was not the end of the
Legend of Spam. Crunch “The Gold Is In Your Ear, And It Won’t Melt In
Your Hand” got together with Raphael Dareau and Merlin and began to
spread Spam on the local BBS’s. Spam had by now evolved from a simple
Wand Of Spam to catchy phrases such as “Eat your spam, little boy.” and
eventually brought about “Eat your TriTel, little boy.”, but that is
another story.

Pretty soon Balzac came into the picture and was absorbed by the
Jelly of The Slinging Of The Spams. Then the Electra Byte BBS popped
into existance — and encouraged the spreading of the Spam. Many people,
like in Avatar, turned off the people who continually preached about
Spam, but that did not stop the Spam. Many people began to make aliases
like SpamMan and more catchy phrases such as “It is Raph, the Spam Man
with all the answers” popped into existance.

The EB crashed and brought about the existance of a local BBS where
Spam is slung freshly every night. Many local people have spread the
legend of Spam.

However, our story doesn’t end here. The last entry in the Legend Of
Spam is that Merlin cooked Spam at midnight and woke up his mother from
her sweet beauty sleep with its odor. However, as Raphael Dareau,
Crunch, and Merlin go through other computer networks, you are certain
that Spam will follow them.

THE END

0

The following was forwarded to us from the Arpanet by Dale Amon at CMU:

From: creon@ames-nas.arpa (Creon Levit)
Date: 7 Dec 1985 1642-PST (Saturday)
Subject: Review of Soviet work in quantum nonlocality and SDI super weapons?

STRATEGIC DEFENSE STUDY GROUP
POB 26548, San Francisco, CA 94126
(415)398 6690/362 7779, 12/2/85

Memorandum for the record by J. Sarfatti.

Soviet view of quantum nonlocality and the potential for SDI super weapons.

Reference: Nonlocality in quantum physics. Soviet Physics Usp. 27(4)April 1984
(Usp Fiz Nauk 142 599-617).
by B.I. Spasski & A.V. Moskovskii of M.V. Lomonosov Moscow State University.

They say that we must distinguish two meanings of nonlocality. First, that of
microcausality in quantum field theory in which the commutator of second
quantized boson fields vanishes for faster than light space-like separation
between the two field points. The currents of spinor fields also obey
microcausality in conventional local quantum field theory. Violation of this
condition is the first meaning of nonlocality. They write:

“In this sense, one means by nonlocal theories…generalizations of quantum
field theory based on… a nonpoint interaction.”

The second sense of nonlocality is then described:

“There are..several quantum phenomena that from a classical point of view can
be interpreted as… nonlocality inherent in quantum objects….the Aharonov-
Bohm effect, the Einstein-Podolsky-Rosen paradox, the Hanbury Brown-Twiss
effect, and other phenomena… within the Copenhagen interpretation… until a
particle interacts with some classical object it does not have definite space-
time characteristics, being, as it were, simultaneously in all the regions of
space in which the wave function… is nonvanishing… the Aharonov-Bohm
effect… the behavior of a quantum object can be influenced by the existence
of a field where the probability of finding a particle is zero… the field
acts where it is not… in quantum mechanics the potentials play a role
analogous to that of fields in classical physics … Either one must give up
the locality principle or recognize that potentials have a physical reality no
less fundamental than the fields. But the second alternative would mean that
it is possible to find a physical difference between states differing only in
gauge… Aharonov and Bohm abandoned the second alternative … The Aharonov-
Bohm effect could be regarded from the classical point of view as a proof of
action at a distance.”

In the modern gauge theory of the unified force the field potentials are
parallel transport connections in the fiber space beyond space-time analogous
to the Christoffel symbols of general relativity within the curved space-time
base space of the bundle. Internal symmetry transformations result from
torsion in the fiber space from lifted holonomic loops in space-time.
Nonvanishing fields are a measure of curvature in the bundle. (Reference:
Classical geometric resolution of the Einstein-Podolsky-Rosen paradox, Yuval
Ne’eman, Israeli Minister of Science, Proc. Nat. Acad. Sci., USA Vol80, 7051-
7053,Nov 1983. Ne’eman writes:

“in the geometry of a fiber bundle describing a gauge theory, curvature and
parallel transport ensure and impose nonseparability..”)

The Soviet physicists continue:

“A further illustration of the nonlocality of quantum objects is provided by
the interference experiments… by Pfleeger, Mandel, and Magyar. They showed
that overlapping beams of two lasers can give an interference pattern…
although the photon interferes only with itself… the attempt to follow the
flight of the photon …emitted by the lasers necessarily destroys the
original interference pattern… A quantum system radiates as a single entity
even when its various parts are separated by a macroscopic distance… This
property… can also be demonstrated by the Hanbury Brown-Twiss effect
interference of intensities…Suppose we have two light sources A and B at a
large distance from two photon detectors a and b. The detectors are connected
to a coincidence circuit…the number of coincidences is a periodic function
of R1 – R2, where R1 is the distance between A and a, and R2 is the distance
between B and b. The quantum feature .. is the impossibility of distinguishing
photons which arrive at a from A from photons which arrive at a from B. If the
experiment is arranged in such a way that such a distinction becomes possible,
the effect disappears… The effect appears paradoxical from the point of view
of classical notions, since it means that photons emitted by two independent
sources know the behavior of each other… ”

The Soviet discussion of the Einstein-Podolsky-Rosen (EPR) paradox makes it
clear that it is the locality assumption of no quantum action at a distance
that makes the paradox in which the Heisenberg uncertainty principle is
violated. They write:

“A … solution of the EPR paradox was proposed by V.A. Fock and A.D.
Aleksandrov (Moscow, 1956), who put forward the idea of a nonforce interaction
of quantum objects … another example of such (nonforce) interaction is the
correlation in the behavior of microscopic objects expressed by the Pauli
principle … another example of a nonforce interaction (is) interference from
two mirrors. The interference pattern, which is determined by the positions of
the mirrors, means that an individual photon feels an effect of the mirrors
that is not associated with transfer of energy and momentum.”

The idea of the nonforce interaction is geometrically understood in the fiber
bundle geometry. The traditional force is due to energy- momentum transport in
the base space-time. The nonforce interaction is due to information transfer
in the fiber space beyond space-time. In Aspect’s photon pair polarization
correlation experiment, the information transfer does not require energy-
momentum transport. The information transfer violating Bell’s locality
inequality is in the fiber space. Quite apart from that, there may also be
faster than light tachyonic and Wickyonic energy-momentum transport in the
base space-time. But these two modes of superluminal interaction, i.e. (
nonforce fiber quantum information transfer, and (force) base space-time
translation energy momentum transport) must be clearly distinguished. Indeed,
the relativistic kinematics of the photon pair may allow the faster than light
collective tachyonic transport of one half the energy difference between the
two photons when moving in opposite directions in 3-space.

In my recent research on Wick rotations of solutions of the Dirac spinor
equation, I note that the slower than light bradyon has timelike world lines
inside the light cone. The bradyon (normal matter and antimatter) obeys
Einstein’s 1905 equation E equals mc squared i.e. more precisely:

E = m/(1 – v2)1/2,

where c = 1, v2 means “the square of velocity”, and (…)1/2 means “square
root”. .

The faster than light tachyon has spacelike world lines outside the light
cone. It obeys:

E’= m/(v2 – 1)1/2 .

Both the bradyon and the tachyon feel the light cone as an impassable
classical barrier. They are classically restricted to opposite sides of the
barrier. In contrast, the Wickyon, discovered in Dirac’s theory by me, can
pass right through the light cone as if it were not there. In fact, the
Wickyon loses energy as it accelerates from subluminal to superluminal speed.
The equation for the Wickyon is:

E”= m/(v2 + 1)1/2

I note that Sakharov ( the now dissident Father of the Soviet Nuclear Arsenal)
has also been thinking about the effect of Wick rotations in big bang
cosmology (private communication from Waldyr Rodrigues Jr. Institute
Mathematics, UNICAMP, S.P. Brasil).

If life can persist through a bradyon-Wickyon quantum jump then we can look
forward to a hyperdrive for time travelling Star Ships – contrary to Dr.
Forward’s recent report for the U.S. Air Force (AFRPL TR-83-067).

The Soviets say:

“Some authors developed the idea that the violation of locality must be
interpreted in the framework of the Wheeler-Feynman theory of action at a
distance.. In this scheme, the correlations between the readings of the
instruments are explained by … advanced waves (telegraph from the future)
…relativistic invariance is maintained, but one necessarily reproduces the
difficulties characteristic of a theory of action at a distance, in
particular, the breakdown in the time ordering between cause and effect.”

Kurt Godel showed that retroactivity, or backwards causation, poses no
logical problem for physics (Ref. INFINITY AND THE MIND, Rudy Rucker). Sir
Fred Hoyle, FRS in INTELLIGENT UNIVERSE shows that retroactivity is necessary
to understand cosmology and the origin of life. My gedankenexperiments attempt
to pin down the precise nonlocal quantum mechanisms needed to test Hoyle’s
revolutionary paradigm. A paradigm anticipated by American scholars such as
Harvard’s Henry Dwight Sedgwick eighty years ago. Hoyle’s notion of the Loop
in Time has already been treated in literature by Borges in Coleridge’s Dream
and in the works of Olaf Stapledon, to name the best. It has been popularized
in films like Escape from the Planet of the Apes and Back to the Future.

Of crucial significance for SDI command control communication is the Soviet
view on the practical use of quantum nonlocal action at a space-time distance
between transmitter and receiver.

“Is a superluminal telegraph possible?
… Stapp writes:…Quantum phenomena provide prima facie evidence that
information gets around in ways that do not conform to classical ideas…
everything we know about nature is in accord with the idea that the
fundamental processes of Nature lie outside space-time… but generate events
that can be located in space-time… none of the arguments we have considered
for the existence of superluminal signals is satisfactory.”

The Soviets do not discuss my scheme for a superluminal telegraph which
depends upon extending conventional quantum mechanics to include nonlocal
observables. I have a detailed model which predicts quantum tunneling of one
photon in a pair through the classical barrier of crossed polarizers. The
tunneling probability depends on the relative orientation of a distant
polarizer that interacts with the twin photon. It is as if the distant
polarizer is placed between the crossed polarizers at exactly one half of the
actual relative orientation. One esthetically pleasing feature of this
nonlocal hidden variable model is that it has the structure of the simplest
fiber bundle – the spinor bundle of the Mobius strip. This model allows for
the experimental test of Hoyle’s Loop in Time in which a Future Cause
retroactively superdetermines a Past Effect negating ordinary notions of Free
Will in accord with Godel’s teleological argument.

It is important to recognize that there are now two experiments that
demonstrate the reality of nonlocality. First, Aspect’s Paris experiment
showing violation of Bell’s locality inequality over faster than light space-
like intervals between the two detections of the photons in a pair from a
double quantum jump. Second, the retroactive Wheeler “Delayed Choice”
experiment using a Mach Zender interferometer by Hellmuth et-al at the Max
Planck Institute for Quantum Optics in Garching reported in June 1985 at the
EPR conference in Finland. The debate now emerging is whether or not nonlocal
quantum action at a distance can be controlled for communication, space
propulsion, and SDI beam weapons.

Research in this cutting edge of New Physics will have a profound impact on
SDI. For example, untappable unjammable retroactive quantum action at a
distance command control communications and beam weapons.

One may also anticiapte application of the Salam-Weinberg-Glashow electroweak
unification to create a new type of SDI beam weapon to render nuclear weapons
“impotent and obsolete” via stimulated beta decay. The idea is to create a
lasing action in which d-quarks flip to u-quarks causing a neutron to become a
proton. The energy difference is only of the order of 3Mev. We would use the
self-interaction of the flavor-conserving weak part of the photon to induce
weak isospin flips of the d and u quarks via virtual flavor-changing charged W
pairs. This would lead to low energy transmutation of the elements allowing us
to clean up the radioactive wastes from nuclear reactors.

0

**********************************************************************

The Soviet Space Program – the Next Five Years

In response to the publication of “Soviet Military Power” by the DoD,
and Aviation Week magazine’s continuing predictions over the years, this
DL entry takes a dissenting position, not based on classified
information, but on a historical perspective of the Soviet space
program, and projects past performance into the future.
For those who have missed the above publications, their basic position
is that the USSR is embarked upon three major projects, each rivaling
our Shuttle program in scope and cost. These are: 1) A Saturn IB class
booster that will used to launch a mini-shuttle, 2) A Shuttle with
greater capacity than ours, and 3) A Heavy Lift booster, comparable in
size to our Saturn V, that will be used to launch the a Skylab-sized
core for a huge space station. All of these projects are claimed to be
in their final stages of development, with first launch to come within a
year or two. As a final spectacular note, the DoD publication claims
that a Mars mission is being contemplated by the Soviets for the year
1992.
Each of these projects pre-supposes the development of liquid hydrogen
engines at least the size of the Saturn J-2 engine, and possibly the
size of the Space shuttle main engine. As the Soviets have yet to
demonstrate the use of even a Centaur-class LH2 engine, it has not yet
been explained how the Soviets will develop this highly advanced
technology in the next year.
The actual Soviet practice over the years has been:
1) Use of non-cryogenic fuels whenever possible.
2) Use of assembly line techniques to develop economies of scale in
production of both boosters and spacecraft.
3) Slow development of programs with evolutionary, not revolutionary
steps, contrasted with the huge jumps that the US program has made such
as between Gemini and Apollo, and Apollo and the Shuttle.
4) Thorough unmanned testing of systems before first launch.
5) Confusing public statements to disguise their real intent, and to
cover their tracks in case of failure.

Based on these practices, the following predictions are in order for
the year 1990:
1) Continued use of Salyut, but with modifications. These could be a)
use of a multiple docking adaptor to allow several cargo vehicles to
dock simultaneously, b) regular crew rotation, with Salyut occupancy
near 100%, c) use of Soyuz orbital modules left attached to Salyut to
increase living space, and d) permanent attachment of Star modules to
increase living space, provide more electrical power, and to provide
more on-board equipment.
2) Use of a small LH2 engine on either the A class booster or Proton to
increase payload of cargo missions or size of Salyut.
3) Development of a Dyna-soar class shuttle, coupled with development
of a LH2 engine to allow a vehicle of 50,000+ lbs, including engine
weight with the Proton booster. This is doubtful, as launch of a Star
module without the minishuttle would result in greater payload capacity.
4) Use of more sophisticated EVA equipment, such as a MMU, to allow
cosmonauts to maneuver more freely in open space.
5) Continued use of ICBMs as launch vehicles, possibly the SS-18 in the
near-term. This could become the new J Class vehicle, with orbital
capabilities rivaling the A class, with easier launch operations, and
greater reliability. (This is not to be confused with the all-new
J-Class vehicle postulated by the DoD, with a payload of 30,000+ lbs).
Coupled with a LH2 stage, the vehicle could be more powerful than any
booster except the D class. As this vehicle has already been proven,
conversion to space use could be rapid, once the decision is made to do
so, possibly after an arms agreement with the U.S.
6) Of course, longer stays in orbit, up to 365 days.
7) More female cosmonauts, but an all-female crew is unlikely.
8) Continued exploration of the planets through unmanned probes.
9) Cosmos 2000 (at least!).
10) Rumors of an impending Mars flight by the Soviets, of a heavy lift
vehicle, and a heavy shuttle.
11) Statements by the Soviets that they plan on a Cosmograd, that
colonization of the planets is a goal, and that they will build a
shuttle.
In other words, more of the same.

0

Reprinted here are the lyrics from the Stranglers ‘Feline’ album,
(C) 1982 CBS Records. Songs included are:

Midnight Summer Dream
It’s a Small World
Ships That Pass in the Night
The European Female
Let’s Tango in Paris
Paradise
All Roads Lead to Rome
Blue Sister
Never Say Goodbye

These are, of course, reprinted without permission.

* * * * * *

Midnight Summer Dream

Woke up on a good day
And the world was wonderful
A midnight summer dream had me in its spell.

I dreamt about an old man
Sat and watched the rain all night
He couldn’t sleep a wink as all the drops fell.

He told me of the beauty
Hidden in our foreheads
He told me of the ugliness
We show instead.

And when we put a foot wrong do we learn
From all the pain
A midnight summer dream as he watched the rain.

Then at midnight he poured another drink
And bent my ear
After midnight we sat up half the night
Or maybe more
And he began to tell me what it was all for

I woke up in an armchair
He had gone i don’t know where
Left me there to sit and look at the rain
Don’t remember much at all
But his words were echoing
A midnight summer dream and then wake again.

Maybe I’ll never find him
Maybe he’s gone forever
Maybe I’ll have to sit here
Watching weather.

One thing’s pretty certain helped me
Make it in the night
Showed me somewhere else besides wrong and right
And at midnight if you can’t sleep
Then I can bend your ear
After midnight we’ll sit up half the night
Or maybe more
And I’ll begin to tell you what it is all for.

Wake up on a good day and the world
Feels wonderful
Midnight summer dream has me in its spell.

It’s a Small World

Many roads to travel down and there are
Many surprises to find
But as luck will have it you can stumble
In the valley of the blind
Friends will always tell you fate will rear
Its ugly head to frighten you
But the hands of time hold something and
He’s offering it all to you.

Watch out for a surprise
It’s nature’s biggest prize
And if it comforts you discover
It’s a small world too.

Read your books and study hard to find the kick
That makes you carry on
And if luck’s a kind friend she will show you
How and why it all began.

Just look in the backyard
You won’t have to look hard
The crossword’s final clue discover
It’s a small world too.

When your friends are gathered round
And you draw straws to find out who goes first
Climb the wall out of the pleasure garden
See a flower die of thirst.

A circle’s always round
The truth lies underground
You may just join the few discover
It’s a small world too.

Ships That Pass in the Night

We’re waiting for better weather on a ship
To pass in the night
Solve all of our problems for us on a ship
To pass in the night
We don’t care if it’s one way passage on a ship
To pass in the night
Keep all of the lanterns burning for the ship
To pass in the night.

Suddenly you see a mast
Approaching you pretty fast
Hope it’s not like the last
But it just sails right past.

Keep scanning romantic oceans for the ship
To pass in the night
Some kind of religious notion on a ship
To pass in the night
Or vote for a politician as a ship
To pass in the night
Or pay for a good physician like a ship
To pass in the night

Suddenly you see a mast
Approaching you pretty fast
Hope it’s not like the last
But it just sails right past….

The European Female

I knew she was a feline
She moved with ease and grace
Her green eyes they held mystery.

No emotion on her face.

She speaks her lips are kissing
The air around her face
I don’t always under-stand her
But I love her air and grace.

The European female she is here
The European female’s here
We’ll be together for a thousand years
And do you really fear
That you might fall.

I saw her in the Strasse
And in the Rue as well
Pursued her in the Hight Street
She had me in her spell.

Let’s Tango in Paris

Sentimental through the night
Sharing secret candlelight
We’re away
Every day
Laughing, joking just sustains
Situation quite insane
Flowing wine
Quite sublime
Not so far for me to say
I could take you there today
Let’s tango in Paris.

You might find yourself with me
Share your glass of vanity
We’re away
Every day
Not for me to say
I could take you there today
Let’s tango in Paris.

Paradise

I went in search of paradise
They said it would be good for my head
So I went in search of paradise
But she took me by my head instead.

Paris – London
Glamour and despair
Ruins – we were ruined over there
Ruins – we ruined over there-er-er.

And when you think you’re in paradise
But then you find your arms are tied
Captive in the name of paradise
The chains are all her lies.

Paris – London etc.

The picture on the screen is moving still
It’s moving all the time
If only you could freeze frame a moment there
You could have paradise all the time.

Paris – London etc.

I don’t think anyone ever found paradise
‘Cos paradise is based on lies….

(Repeat till fade.)

All Roads Lead to Rome

The streets of Tarmac are strait as a die
With steel fingers clawing at the sky
Inside the wall of the citadel
Yellow chariots race
Peasants and their peasants’ smells
Hungry enough to touch your face.

The beasts from the end of the century
Adorn themselves with jewellery
Inside the wall of the citadel
Yellow chariots race
peasants and their peasants’ smells
Hungry enough to touch your face.

Their eyes they change colour from grey to green
And when they’re blue they weigh the scene
The endless games played in the timeless zone
Remind me all roads lead to Rome
Inside the wall of the citadel
Yellow chariots race
Peasants and their peasants’ smells
Hungry to touch your frightened face
All roads lead to Rome
All roads lead to Rome
All roads lead to Rome
All roads lead to Rome.

Blue Sister

Blue sister please don’t cry
Blue sister dry your eyes
Your lover’s been taken away by some friends
That he met in the night.

That scene’s not a new one to you
You’ve seen it a million times too
The players, their lines are old too
Blue sister know that I care about you.

Blues sister are no cure
For you sister that’s for sure
Your eyes have been shouldering pain
And the tears show emotion so pure.

That scene’s not a new one to you …. etc.

Blue sister you’ll survive
Blue sister’s inner drive is
Your man don’t drive him away
If you want him here stay alive.

That scene’s not a new one to you …. etc.

Never Say Goodbye

Black friend of the night
Why did you leave in such a hurry?
White friend of the day
You left us juggling our worries
Never say goodbye
For we’ll all be with you someday
Fond adieus but never say goodbye
Like lovers in the past
They swim and surface in our memories
Questions never asked
I’ll save them all for the next century
Never say goodbye
For we’ll all be with you someday
Fond adieus but never say goodbye.

Tell us what’s over the horizon
Is it worth the chance
To hang around for more surprising?
Never say goodbye
For we’ll all be with you someday
Fond adieus but never say goodbye.

+++ lyrics typed by Someone Else, Ai fictionwriters 2/86

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YOU MAY BE IN A POSITION OF NEEDING TO DO AN INFORMATION SEARCH
ON AN INDIVIDUAL. IT IS SOMTIME A BIG HELP TO KNOW WHERE SOMEONE ORIGONALY
CAME FROM, IN THE FOLLOWING LIST THE FIRST THREE NUMBERS IN A SOCIAL
SECURITY NUMBER WILL TELL YOU WHERE THE CARD WAS ORIGONALY APPLIED FOR. ALSO A
HELPFUL HINT ON LOCATING MISSING PERSONS OR ANY PERSON FOR THAT MATTER.
A LETTER TO THE SOCIAL SECURITY ADMINISTRATION WITH AS MUCH PERSONAL
INFORMATION (DATE OF BIRTH,LASTPLACE OF RESIDENCE), CAN BE THE ANSWER.

WRITE TO:

SOCIAL SECURITY ADMINISTRATION
PUBLIC INQUIRIES
DEPT. HEALTH & HUMAN SERVICES
6501 SECURITY BVLD. BALT. MD.
ZIP 20235

CARD NUMBERS–STATE ISSUED TO

001-003 NEW HAMPSHIRE
004-007 MAINE
008-009 VERMONT
010-034 MASS
035-039 RHODE ISLAND
040-049 CONN
050-134 NEW YORK
135-158 NEW JERSEY
159-211 PENN
212-220 MARYLAND
221-222 DELEWARE
223-231 VIRGINIA
232-236 W. VIRGINIA
237-246 N. CAROLINA
247-251 S. CAROLINA
252-260 GEORGIA
261-267 FLORIDA
268-302 OHIO
303-317 INDIANA
318-361 ILLINOIS
362-386 MICH
387-399 WIS
400-407 KENTUCKY
408-415 TENN
416-424 ALABAMA
425-428 MISSISSIPPI
429-432 ARKANSAS
433-439 LOUISIANA
440-448 OKLAHOMA
449-467 TEXAS
468-477 MINN
478-485 IOWA
486-500 MISSOURI
501-502 N DAKOTA
503-504 S DAKOTA
505-508 NEBRASKA
509-515 KANSAS
516-517 MONTANA
518-519 IDAHO
520 WYOMING
521-524 COLO
525 NEW MEXICO
526-527 ARIZ
528-529 UTAH
530 NEVADA
531-539 WASH
540-544 OREGON
545-573 CALIF
574 ALASKA
575-576 HAWII
577-579 WASH D.C.
——————

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TWO BOTTLES AND A BILL

Using two beer or soda bottles that are
the same, place one of the bottles right
side up near the edge of a table. Put a
dollar bill on top of this one and
center it. Then balance the second
bottle on top of the first, sandwiching
the bill between them. Now challenge
your friends to remove the bill without
touching the bottles.

Here’s how: Grab the bill between thumb
and forefinger and hold it straight out,
just tight enough not to tip the
bottles. Using one or two fingers of
the other hand, strike down on the
dollar bill as fast as you can, still
maintaining your grip with the other
hand. The bill will zip right out
leaving the bottles without even a
wobble.

Important! The bottles must be
completely clean and dry for this to
work. Practice a few times to make it
look really easy.

– END FILE –

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