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3 The Story Of Spam – Volume III 3
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Disclaimer
This is The Story Of Spam as recalled from a time not so
long ago, even though some people wish it was. The contents
of the following text can confuse and mangle the fabric of
peoples minds, so be warned. Most of the following is sadly
true, but it did mark a permanent mark in a few peoples
lives. This is the tale on how it all began.
Enjoy this text!
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Working late one night in 1937 in his secret labratory,
Jay Hormel had a deadline lurking. He worked at the Hormel
Meat Company and he had several thousand extra pounds of pork
shoulder that he did not know what to do with – and he had to
find something to do with all this extra meat before it
rotted. He then began to mix different products into the
meat and then a big black puff of smoke came up from the
mixture and Jay averted his eyes from the sight. When he did
finally look, a huge cubical piece of meat came into
existence. He tasted the product, which seemed to taste a
bit odd, but it had possibilities. Then then began to market
it as Hormel Luncheon Meat, which was as lame as the word
“hip.” Because of this lame name, a emergency meeting was
held and the President Of Hormel offered $100 for a person to
come up with a catchy name. Several minutes of pondering
when on. Then finally, Kenneth Daigneau stood up, yelled
“SPAM” and ran down the hallway. Surprised, yet quick to
adapt, the luncheon meat was dubbed “SPAM” and it began to
spread to its current modern definition – A meat substance
that is consumed at the rate of 3.8 cans per second.
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Laecretius, who lived in the continous realm of Avatar,
was a relatively powerful sorcerer and enjoyed his life of
roasting and toasting monsters like all fine young sorcerers
do. He ran level 14 with pride, despite the wise words of
those who knew better – he kept on roasting and toasting
monsters like any fine young and relatively powerful sorcerer
does. Then one fine day, while teleporting to the level he
loved best (14, of course!), he teleported into a Ninja
encounter. Ninja was a formidable opponent when the player
had all the upper advantages, but this time the Ninja was
prepared as he came out of hiding and cut Laecretius in two
before Laecretius knew what was going on. Laecretius thudded
to the floor of the dungeon and yelled out “OH SPAM” before
his mortal wound caught up with him. These words bounced off
the walls of Avatar and many people heard of these words.
The people that did hear these words, like the people at
Hormel, were surprised, but still quick to adapt, and began
to spread the word of SPAM and began to assimilate it into
their normal language. For two hours straight after the word
of SPAM was leaked, people continously babbled about it.
Phrases such as “Your ear is filled with SPAM” and “You were
teleported in solid SPAM.” and began to think of such items
such as “Wand Of Spam” and “Helmet Of Spam”. The people who
did not think that this was a positive thing to talk about
shouted, “No MORE SPAM.”, joined the Anti-Spam Legion, shut
off their ability to receive messages from other players, and
continued their existance. The people that began to enjoy
the entire concept joined the Spam, and continueed on with
their daily routines. The people who just did not care
joined the Neutral Luncheon Meat (which split into groups
like Bologna, MeatLoaf, and The Rabid Children, but these
groups did not last long.) which acted like a apathetic
society. However, these Anti-Spam groups could not stop the
inevitable filling of Avatar with SPAM. It began to take
over the game and people’s E-message topics. Then it soon
overflowed into other parts of NovaNET and began to spread at
an uncontrolable rate.
After overflowing to the AUTHOR prompt, it then moved
over to =pad. =Pad was the most popular and most widely read
notesfile in existance on Nova and Cerl. Soon, Spam became
one of the many commonly used topics in Pad and it then began
to overflow to CERL, thanks to the System Link. The CERL
people, who were godly to the entire system, found this
concept in the notes that they read and they generally did
not like and enjoy it, and soon after reading the 1,000th
note about it, they began to send out death threats to the
Slingers Of The Spam, which is what they were now called
instead of the Spam, which was a dull name like Hormel
Luncheon Meat. Merlin, who frequented =pad, began to sling
Spam at the Felixmeister, who seemed to hate the entire
concept from the beginning, freshly every day and got several
people in the crossfire. These people did not enjoy it and
joined the people of CERL in their attempts to keep The
Slingers Of The Spam quiet. The people at CERL began to
realize that death threats were not threatening enough and
none of them had enough money to fly to Maine therefore they
began to try and bribe the Slingers Of The Spam with high
level signons. However, they failed because they could not
pull through with their end of the deal, and this just
encouraged these Slingers to double their efforts. Pretty
soon, SPAM found its home base. These places were called
TalkLine, =spam, and =purgatory. =Purgatory was the =pad of
Maine, and soon became popular between the Slingers, Antis,
and the Neutrals alike. However, this ended up to be the
main babbling point, which inevitably included SPAM.
TalkLine was a babbling point also designed for people to
just babble at each other live. Version 3 – 5 of this
program proved to do this quite well and soon replaced
confcall and TalkoMatic – which also meant that the focal
point of NovaSex was moved as well on the Spam side of
things. =Spam, created by Merlin, was the real place were
people sling Spam. Every note in there for a good solid two
months were about the meat and people soon left this for
=purgatory, which had a little more variety in luncheon
meats. TalkLine was abandoned by a few because they were
quite annoyed because a new version of the program was
practically written every week – and when it did work
properly, people were being obtrusive to each other because
they continued to use the TERM-boot option, which had the
ability to remove anyone from the lesson – and for some
reason people did not like to be removed from a lesson when
they are having a hearty conversation with another person.
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Several months went by and then the great Felixmeister
announced that a new Avatar was about to be born. Many
people panicked and began to give away very useful items for
little or no price. Then the change happened, a new realm of
Avatar was born, and many people thought that the slinging of
the Spam would end with the death of the old Avatar.
However, that statement was incorrect and Spam was brought
back to Avatar and coused the Anti-Spam to revolt more. This
sudden revolt caused the Spam to revolt more. Things in
general, however, were a bit more discreet than when Spam
first come out and conflicts were more localized. It was
during this time when Murph walked into =purgatory, fed up
with the SPAM concept, and uttered with his non-existant lips
at the top of his voice, “NO WARLOCK SHALL EAT SPAM.” Many
people pondered with interest and confusion. Shortly after
he yelled this, Merlin, joined by NovaTeflon and Raphael
Dareau (who were leaders of the Slingers Of The Spam), began
to make frequent trips to CAPS, where NovaNETers like Murph
where known to frequent. Soon, in a fit of agony, Murph
uttered out at 3 in the morning, “Who in the HELL started
this ***! SPAM thing.” The real culprit, Raphael Dareau,
began to sulk in his chair and continued to play Epigoni, one
of the Spam characters in Avatar. The main Slinger Of Spam,
Merlin, laughed out loud evilily and said he was. Murph
agreed that he was a likely candidate for doing such a thing.
NovaTeflon just remained passive and pointed to Theo. It was
also a common fact that when Murph began to become irratated
with the Slingers Of The Spam “living” at Neville Hall, he
began to ask, “Don’t you guys have HOMES.” They just
replied, “No, and continueed to sling Spam.”
And then life went on as usual with Spam.
Until…
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One hot and lazy day when no one was expecting it, The
Debmeister swooped down from her own universe and instantly
sucked all the NovaNET ports out of existance, which was the
cause of the collapse of the local universe around Bangor,
Maine. The people who frequented NovaNET were in shock,
suffered NovaNET withdrawls, and began to go increadably
insane before recovering. However, with the collapse of the
universe, Spam somehow survived. This time it spread to
other forms such as BBS Electronic Mail and then it spread to
actual life things. The Slingers Of The Spam groups began to
organize at JBMHS and Orono High School, which a few people
did not understand, but were forced to accept the ideas.
Many BBS’s began to overflow with Spam, much like Avatar did,
and then it became obtrusive to the Anti-Spam. It became
MUCH worse when The Electra Byte came into existance and
surported a few things that Nova had. One of these things is
that more than one person could use the System at a time.
This allowed for the Slingers Of The Spam to be obtrusive to
others live, just like NovaNET offered. Many people liked
the ideas, others hated it. This went on as usual life and
it fluctuated in and out of existance and life went on in its
usual cycle. Gorgon joined the SPAM group and began to yell
everytime he appeared, “It is Raph, the SpamMan with all the
answers.” This got on the Anti-Spam nerves and they just
began to leave Electra Byte BBS every time they heard this.
You could even hear their footsteps as they ran down the
hallway. Then NovaTeflon decided to run a local Bangor BBS
to increase his obtrusiveness in the local area, and it did
prove to be very obtrusive.
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On May 18th, 1990, was the infamous Spam festival that
was held in Minnesota. The luncheon meat was featured in
many different ways – a luncheon that featured a “all you can
eat” Spam Breakfast for $1.99. Also, there was Spam
sandwitches for 99 cents as well as Spam Pizza and Spam
submarine sandwiches.
Also, there was the Spam eating contest where
contestants will be times as they ate a 7-ounce can of Spam.
Only fingers were allowed, no utensils, and the only thing
they could drink was a 7 ounce glass of water. There was
also a Spam sculpting contest, in which artists could show
their favorite median to work in. Also the jamboree featured
the Spam recipe contest, with live bands, cicycle and foot
races. Also, A Spam King and Queen was chosen.
Other noteworthy things about Spam that is not so known
are:
* Margaret Thatcher ate it for Christmas dinner in 1943.
* Nikita Khrushchev called it the only thing to keep the
Soviet Army alive.
* It is sold in more thant 50 countries.
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Many noteworthy things in the history of Spam has
occured in recent months around the Bangor Area. On the Last
Day of something called High School, Raphael Dareau brought
in a can of Spam at a tournament. The Anti-Spam at this
School, which consisted with Leo, Don, and the Sexman, called
foul and took the can and tossed it across the school library
where it promptly split open and spread all over the place.
As soon as the can split, the library began to fill with the
noticeable smell of Spam – which the library still smells
like to this day. Finally, a person decided that they should
clean up the meat before it rotted in the library.
In another corner of the Universe, NovaTeflon began to
spread it around their High School where it was somewhat more
accepted than it was at Raphael’s side of the universe.
However, a few people still did not accept the idea. Indeed,
one teacher in the middle of a study hall heard NovaTeflon
and yelled out, “No MORE SPAM!” and ran down the hallway as
fast as she could. Since then, there has been surprisingly
very little people in that part of the universe that is part
of the Anti-Spam. For what it exists there, all we know is
that the organization as we know it revolves around someone
called the Thomasrino, also a fellow NovaNETer, but for some
reason, probabally due to the destruction of the Matt Thomas
Era, did not witness the birth of this new concept.
A few nights later, Merlin and a person who wishes to
remain unknown, was up at midnight cooking some of the meat.
The smell began to immediately engulf the entire house and
within a matter of minutes, his mother woke up due to the
smell, walked down the stairs and asked, “Theo, what IS that
stuff you are cooking?” “Spam”, he replied. His Mom turned
a greenish color, said “That’s Nice” and went back to bed.
But she was obviously not a happy camper.
If you can recall that in the earlier volumes of The
Story Of Spam that was the last thing to occur in Spam
History, we now will tell you that more events have occured.
On one fine November day this year, NovaTeflon, Merlin, and
Raphael Dareau got together and began to be obtrusive with
Spam again. With the power of the three-some, they broke the
barrier that the Debmeister had made for 25 minutes and they
visited =purgatory again. However, it was not filled with
Spam – it was just there with hardly anything new in there.
However, within its deep archives was notes about the
luncheon meat which still existed, as well as details about
“Let’s Watch Abner Dodge The Dodge.” and “The Top Ten List Of
Things I Will Have To Run Over Before I Get My Driver’s List”
by Raphael Dareau. Just on a tangent, Raphael Dareau has
only run over 3 of the 10 things in that list. And in
=purgatory, it is of interest to note that this is where
Leonardo Borowski came, left, came again, left again, came
back again, left again, and then came back again.
Back to the story, the latest Spam incident was that
around 4pm one fine Saturday in November, 1991, was that
Raphael Dareau, NovaTeflon, and Merlin were getting hungry
and decided to have something to eat. They walked down the
closest story, via Eyeballs house, and picked up 2 cheese
pizzas, a can of Spam, and 4 liters of a dull Orange soda.
They then fried the Spam at Merlin’s house, again filling the
house with the smell, which caused Merlin’s parental unit to
abandon the house for several hours, and then layered the
cheese pizza with Spam. They then took the final product,
took it into Merlin’s living room and began to consume the
product while watching Doctor Who. Everything seemed to be
all right except that everyone lost track of time and then
they remembered that they had to leave Merlin’s house soon.
However, everything was not lost as NovaTeflon collected two
slices of left-over Spam and took it for the purposes of
Slinging at school. Raphael Dareau and NovaTeflon left
Merlin’s house and walked to his house, where Raphael’s ride
was waiting. Then, according to legend, NovaTeflon put the
slices of Spam in the freezer, where his parental units could
stare at it, poke at it, wonder what it is made of, etc.
However, we do not know yet what results came about when
NovaTeflon slung the Spam at school. That will be covered in
The Story Of Spam, Volume IV.
This is the entire current history that had been brought
up to date as of November 3rd, 1991. We hoped that you
enjoyed the text, despite its length. If you have anything
to add to the story, either stick your head in a bucket of
pihrana fish, or contact either Merlin, Raphael Dareau, or
NovaTeflon. You can find these three at CAPS or on the local
BBS’s. Also, Raphael Dareau has been known to invade
pizzarias that have the speciality of pepperoni and Spam
pizzas.
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We will conclude this story with the TRUE story of Spam,
as known by the BBC and Monty Python.
Cut to a cafe. All the customers are Vikings. Mr. and
Mrs. Bun enter — downwards.
Mr. Bun: Morning.
Waitress: Morning.
Mr. Bun: What have you got, then?
Waitress: Well, there’s egg and bacon; egg, sausage and
bacon; egg and spam; egg, bacon and spam; egg, bacon, sausage
and spam; spam, bacon, sausage and spam; spam, egg, spam,
spam, bacon and spam; spam, spam, spam, egg and spam; spam,
spam, spam, spam, baked beans, spam, spam, spam, and spam; or
lobster thermidor aux crevettes with a mornay sauce garnished
with truffle pate, brandy and a fried egg on top and spam.
Mrs. Bun: Have you got anything with spam in it?
Waitress: Well, there’s spam, egg, sausage and spam. That’s
not got much spam in it.
Mrs. Bun: I don’t want any spam.
Mr. Bun: Why can’t she have egg, bacon, spam and sausage?
Mrs. Bun: That’s got spam in it!
Mr. Bun: Not as much as spam, egg, sausage and spam.
Mrs. Bun: Look, could I have egg, bacon, spam and sausage
without the spam?
Waitress: Uuuuuuugggggh!
Mrs. Bun: What do you mean uuuuugggggh! I don’t like SPAM!
Vikings: Spam, spam, spam, spam, spam … spam, spam, spam,
spam, spam … lovely spam, wonderful spam…
Waitress: Shut up. Shut up! Shut up! You can’t have egg,
bacon, spam and sausage without the spam.
Mrs. Bun: Why not?
Waitress: No, it wouldn’t be egg, bacon, spam and sausage,
would it?
Mrs. Bun: I don’t like SPAM!
Mr. Bun: Don’t make a fuss, dear. I’ll have your spam. I
love it. I’m having spam, spam, spam, spam, spam…
Vikings: Spam, spam, spam, spam…
Mr. Bun: …baked beans, spam, spam and spam.
Waitress: Baked beans are off.
Mr. Bun: Well can I have spam instead?
Waitress: You mean spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam,
spam, spam and spam?
Vikings: …spam, spam, spam, spam….
Mr. Bun: Yes.
Waitress: Arrrggh!
Vikings: … lovely spam, wonderful spam…
Waitress: Shut up! Shut up!
A Hungarian enters.
Hungarian: Great boobies honeybun, my lower intestine is full
of spam, egg, spam, bacon, spam, tomato, spam…
Vikings: Spam, spam, spam, spam…
Waitress: Shut up!
Hungarian: My nipples explode….
Cut to an historian…
Historian: Another great Viking victory was at the Green
Midget cafe at Bromley. Once again the Viking strategy was
the same. They sailed from these fiords here, assembled at
Trondheim and waited for the strong north-easterly winds to
blow their oaken galleys to England whence they sailed on May
23rd. Once in Bromley they assembled in the Green Midget
cafe and spam selecting a spam particular spam item from the
spam menu would spam, spam, spam, spam, spam…
Vikings: Spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam …
lovely spam, wonderful spam…spam, spam, spam, spam, spam…
lovely spam, wonderful spam…
Mr. and Mrs. Bun rise into the air.
Credits Roll:
Monty Python’s Flying Curcus
was conceived, written and spam performed by
Spam Terry Jones
Michael Spam Palin
John Spam John Spam
John Spam Cleese
Graham Spam Spam
Spam Chapman
Eric Spam egg and Chips Idle
Terry Spam Sausage Spam
Egg Spam Gilliam
Also Appearing On Toast:
The Fred Tomlinson Spam Egg Chips and Singers
Research Patricia Houlihan and Sausage
Make-Up Penny Penny Penny and Spam Norton
Costumes Egg Baked Beans Sausage And Tomato, Oh,
And Hazer Pethig Too
Animations By Terry (Egg On Face) Gilliam
Film Cameraman James (Spam Sausage Egg And Tomato)
Balfour (Not Sundays)
Film Editor Ray (Fried Slice and Golden Three Delicious)
Millichope (Spam Extra)
Sound Chips Sausage Liverwurst, pheasant, spam
newsagents, chips, and Peter Rose
Lighting Otis (Spam’s Off Dear) Eddy
Designer Robert Robert Robert Robert Berk And Tomato
Produced By Ian (mixed Grill) Macnaughton 7/6d
BBC SPAM TV
Service Not Included
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Other Texts:
* The Story Of Spam
* The Story Of Spam, Volume Two
* The Story Of Spam, Volume Three
* The Story Of TriTel
* The Story Of TriTel, Volume Two
* How To Eat TriTel
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3 Another Dull BBS Ad 3
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=Purgatory BBS – Located In Orono, Maine.
(207)-866-2399 SysOp: Thanatos
Co-Sysops: Raphael Dareau and FSO
