AN INTERVIEW WITH ABBIE HOFFMAN

I first met Abbie at URI campus.

He was not stoned. Surprising
thinking he’d just finished
plugging his new book, “Steal This
Urine Test”.

He was lecturing about the
upcoming Student Convention at
Rutgers this February. The crowd
was — I dunno, about 600 people.
They expected over a thousand, but
no one showed up cause it was a
Thursday nite and you know how that
goes at college. The kegs start
about 4pm thursday and go til
sunday morning around 1am.
Anyways, those who gave up the
keggin for a day got to see quite
the riot. He was cussin and rantin
and ravin about how much Raygun
Reagan’s gonna fuck things up on
his way out. You know, make a
parking lot out of Iran, spend all
our money, fuck fawn hall, etc,
etc.
I asked him if the newspapers had
the right to say we’re at war right
now, and he said, “if you call
10,000 guatemalan Indians dying
every month by american bullets a
war, go for it.”
Abbie’s tryin to get a bunch of
us college aged people down to
Rutgers University this february
and we’re all gonna lock ourselves
in this building for three days and
rewrite the U.S.
constitution.
Then we’re gonna get this
highschool girl to stand up in the
Middle of the presidential debates
next year and demand that if the US
doesnt vote on the new Constitution
before we vote for a new president,
40,000 fuckin teenagers are gonna
blow up every large city in the US
in the next three weeks.
Well, ok, not that harsh, but
they’re gonna stand up and take
notice when a bunch of “heads” have
the brains to all of a sudden do
something just as politically
radical; get involved!!! So,
anyways, Abbie takes me and a
couple kids to this bar in
Wakefield and gets us cocked. Then
we ask him questions and he ignores
us and watches the Chicago Bears
get the shit kicked out of them on
a 19inch tv.
After the game we talk politics
again. We ask him who he’s
following for the 88 election, and
he tells us “who the fuck cares.”
“Politics is every day, man,”
Abbie says. “Not just who’s gonna
win in four years, or who should be
town counselor. Politics is your
roomates, your friends, your stupid
teachers that have no clue.”
“Well how the hell do we get the
rest of America involved.”
“It’s not a thing of the rest of
em. The average person in amerika
could give a shit about this.
They’re busy working at the
shipbuilding plant, coming home and
watching Three’s Company, beating
their wife, and kicking their
dog.
Abbie’s a radical fuckin dude,
that’s all I have to say. He’s the
first person I’ve met who isn’t
afraid to tell a cop he’s a pig
right to his face.
You know, the only person alive
with the balls to walk into the
Philadelphia Utilities company and
say,
“you charge too much fuckin
money. Rip up the wiring to my
house, I’m buildin a fuckin
windmill.”
HE DID.
the end, julie. all right?

OK, I was at a Dunkin Donuts and
I wrote that part right from my
head. Here’s some exact quotes from
my notes which I didnt have with me
at the time.

HOW CAN OUR YOUTH GET SOME
IMMEDIATE RESULTS IN AN AMERICA
WHERE KIDS ARE APATHETIC? THEY
THINK THERE’S NOTHING THEY CAN DO
IN THE POLITICAL PROCESS.

Rutgers. Rutgers is where you have
to go. Right now there are about
3,000 students around calling
themselves activists.
I know, because I see more
activists than anybody in the
country. My own kids are activists,
I see them all the time.
BUT WHAT ABOUT SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO
GET MORE INVOLVED THAN FOR ONE
EVENT; ONCE A YEAR SAY, OR EVERY 4
YEARS.

Politics is not something you go to
the booth and pull the party lever
for. It’s something you do every
day.
HOW CAN A BUDDING JOURNALIST HELP
THE YOUTH SEE THAT.
Listen, you’ve gotta get people
thinking that politics is a way of
life. The way they act all the
time. Then you’ve gotta get em
thinkin, “forget about the
president; let’s talk about the
city council…
HOW DO YOU GET THE GENERAL PUBLIC
MORE AWARE.
The general public is not involved.
The General Public doesnt make
change.
First thing you do is knock out
of your vocabulary and mind, the
idea of nobody and everybody.
Because you’re not taking gallup
polls all the time. You’re talking
to your roomate, your friends.
For social change, you need that’s all.
HOW DO I PREPARE FOR RUTGERS
The philadelphia electric company
is upset with me because I’m not
just blowin windmills. They know
I’m one fuck of an organizer. And
I’m willing to risk everything.
That’s the mentality you gotta
develop. Not who you gonna vote
for. You’ve gotta say, how do we
get block booking now or how do we
get the cars together, what points
are we gonna raise, are we just
gonna go there to bullshit to argue
that local organizing’s more
important or we need a black woman
lesbian leader the first time who’s
against a vegitarian cabbage kid
supporting arms struggle; is that
what you’re gonna do? Stay home!!!
If you’re gonna go to really
wrestle with the problems of
decision making, of leadership,
with some idea of politics and how
it works, a give and take, a
compromise, then you go to Rutgers
and build the organization. You
will change how the world looks at
young people in America. And you’ll
change history.
DO YOU THINK THE PRESS SHOULD BE
ALLOWED TO SAY WE’RE AT WAR RIGHT
NOW?
Think about 1 million Indians in
Guatemala killed or driven out of
their homes; are we at war?
DO YOU THINK CENSORSHIP IS OK.
I do think at times of war, the
reality overcomes some of your
ideals; but write away.

p a p
/ / /
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
/ / /
d e d

Downloaded from P-80 Systems……

0

From: dino@euclid.colorado.edu (dino)
Newsgroups: alt.folklore.urban
Subject: The Tacoma Narrows
Date: 28 Mar 1995 01:34:40 GMT
Organization: University of Colorado, Boulder
Lines: 200
Message-ID:
References:
NNTP-Posting-Host: euclid.colorado.edu

Collapsing bridges seem popular on AFU these days. We have…

branden@hillres22.cc.purdue.edu (Crash) writes:
>Queenie (JSM158@psuvm.psu.edu) wrote:

>: everything has a characteristic frequency at which it vibrates. When
>: sound waves at that frequency are directed at the object, the waves
>: merge with the vibrations of the object, intensifying them until the
>: object is ripped apart – the principle used by singers to shatter

>Yep, that’s the 1940 Tacoma Narrows Bridge collapse in Washington state.
>Standard fare for freshman-year mechanics courses at reputable science and
>engineering-oriented colleges and universities. And your description is
>pretty acuurate regarding the phenomena involved.

—

No it isn’t. But I had wanted to knock this one off for a long time, and
you gave me the opportunity, so don’t feel like I am flaming you.

The following is abstracted from an article in _The American Journal of
Physics_, 59 (2), February 1991, pp 118 — 124; the title of the article is:

Resonance, Tacoma Narrows bridge failure, and undergraduate physics
textbooks

From the article’s abstract (*’s frame things in italics, all pytos mine):

The Tacoma Narrows bridge disaster of 1940 is still very much in the public
eye today. Notably, in many undergraduate physics texts the disaster is
presented as an example of *forced resonance* of a mechanical oscillator,
with the wind providing an external periodic frequency that matched the
natural structural frequency. This oversimplified explanation has existed
in numerous texts for a long time and continues this day, with even more
detailed presentations in some new and updated texts. Engineers on the other
hand, have studied the phenomenon over the past half-century, and their
current understanding differs fundamentally from the viewpoint expressed
in most physics texts. In the present article the engineers viewpoint is
expressed to the physics community … substantial disagreement exists.
… one misleading identification of forced resonance arises from the
notion that the periodic natural vortex shedding of wind over the structure
was the source of the damaging external excitation. It is then demostrated
that the ultimate failure of the bridge was in fact related to an
aerodynamically induced condition of *self excitation* or “negative damping”
in a torsional degree of freedom. The aeroelastic phenomenon involved was
an *interactive* one in which developed wind forces were strongly linked
to structural motion. This paper emphasizes … physically as well as
mathematically, *forced resonance* and *self-excitation* [my note: no
masturbation follow-ups, please] are fundamentally different phenomena.
The article closes with a quantitative assesment of the Tacoma Narrows
phenomenon that is in full agreement with the documented action of the
bridge itself in its final moments and a full, dynamically scaled model
of it studied in the 1950s.

(end of abstract)

Some comments from the article:

… Its failure on November 7, 1940 attracted wide attention at the time
and has elicited recurring references ever since, notably in undergraduate
physics textbooks. … The main issues in this instance are: What was the
exact nature of the wind-driven occurrences at Tacoma Narrows, and can they
be considered correctly to be cases of resonance?

These invoke inferences about the Tacoma Narrows episode that differ
from present engineering understanding of the failure. However, we also
point out below, areas of at least partial agreement. Our aim is to set the
record a bit straighter than it now appears to be — at least as popularly
understood.

II. TEXTBOOK ACCOUNT

Typically, *resonance* is first presented qualitatively along these lines:

In general, whenever a system capable of oscillation is acted upon by
a periodic series of impulses have frequency equal to one of the natural
requencies of the system, the system is set into oscillations of
relatively large magnitude.

The article further comments on why the TN bridge episode was described as
resonance, commenting on popular accounts in physics textbooks, in which
the central span of the bridge resonated (now assumed) until said resonance
became so great that it collapsed, and how the wind blowing over the surface
and support cables of the TN bridge generated very large wave disturbances
that destroyed the unfortunate bridge.

The article continues:

The final, catastrophic event at Tacoma Narrows did, in fact, fit part of
the above qualitative defintition of resonance — as we shall discuss —
*if* the more penetrating question of where the “periodic series of
impulses” came from is temporarily set aside, for it was indeed a single
torsional mode of the bridge that wa driven to destructive amplitude by the
wind, as will be discussed at a later point.

The article further comments that after this is told to physics students,
an explanation follows, to effect,

“The wind produced a fluctuating resultant froce in resonance with a
natural frequency of the structure. This caused a steady increase in
amplitude until the bridge was destroyed.”

The article basically says that this is BS and too simple minded, that
physics texts are vague about “just what the exciting force was” and this
resulted in the necessary periodicity. Texts will say it was due to “gale
winds,” or “gusts of wind,” et cetera. However, such do not have well-defined
periodicity. Further:

Seeking such periodicity must lead to closer investigation of the
aerodynamics of bluff bodies … The so-called *periodic vortex shedding”
effect is a first, very tempting, candidate to which to attribute the
necessary periodicity.

Bluff bodies (such as bridge decks) in fluid streams do in fact shed
periodic vortex wakes, tripped off by body shape and viscosity, …
which oscillate in consequence. … Unfortunately, this explanation is
incorrect. We now know that this is *not* what occurred at Tacoma Narrows.

The article follows with a section on “Vortex-Induced Vibration,” which
deals with bluff (non-streamlined) bodies with flow over them and how said
flow doesn’t follow the contours of the body, breaking away at some points.
In short, the article discards this as a cause of the TN’s collapse, saying:

It has been now long since demonstarted that from the standpoint of
phenomenology, even such vortex-induced oscillations do not constitute a
case of simple resonance. … Vortex-induced vibration is clearly not a
linear resonance even if the structure itself has linear properties, since
the exciting force amplitude *F* is a nonlinear function of the system
response.

IV. THE DESTRUCTIVE MECHANISM AT THE TACOMA NARROWS

… took place under a wholly different — and catastrophic — set of
circumstances. The wind speed at the time… was 42 mph, and the frequency
he observed for the final destructive oscillation was 12c/m or 0.2 Hz. At
42 mph, the natural frequency of vortex shedding … be close to 1 Hz,
wholly *out of sync* with the actual… It can be concluded that natural
vortex shedding was *not* the cause of the collapse. This rules out one type
of periodic exciting force implied by a few of our references.

(comments on how engineers want to design bridges that won’t collapse in the
wind deleted)

The article further comments on how the destruction was duplicated in a scale
model bridge built by one Scruton. The physics starts to get involved, and
they conclude that the collapse was due to “single-degree-of-freedom torsional
flutter” due to “complex, separated flow.” In short, the article does conclude:

… if we now identify the source of the periodic impulses as *self-induced*,
the wind supplying the power, and the motion supplying the power-tapping
mechanism. If one wishes to argue, however, that it was a case of
*externally forced linear resonance*, the mathematical distinction between
Eqs. (1) and (3) is quite clear, self-exciting [my note: again, no follow-ups
about masturbation] systems differing strongly from ordinary linear
resonant ones. The texts that we have consulted have not gone this far in
explanation.

It also comments:

We note that numerous instructional texts in mathematics [68-76] allude
to the Tacoma Narrows incident, and most of these, too, could be made
more precise and insightful in the light of the current analysis of the
problem.

They even have some borderline UL-related comments in Closing Remarks:

The Tacoma Narrows incident will remain a celebrated example because of
its spectacular nature and the freak recording of this disaster by
witnessing photographers. The sensational photographs have made it into
an irresistable pedagogical example — and indeed, much is to be learned
from it. Because it lodges itself so in the memory, it is doubly important
for educators to draw correct lessons from this classic and sensational
event. While it is understandable how so many textbooks have, over the
years, oversimplified the physics involved, it is probably time — given
the advanced state of the knowledge — to offer the next generation
of subtler, more complex, and *correct* explanations.

OK, I am a math geek, not a physics geek, and glossed over most of the
physics myself. However… we may conclude (and a search of the FAQ and
cathouse revealed nothing):

F. The Tacoma Narrows bridge collapsed due to simple resonance.

T. It wasn’t so simple.

dino “will destroy bridges for food” m.

0

SYSOP.DOC (Citadel-86 version)

Citadel can be thought of as having 3 levels to it: the Peon level (normal
users), the Aide level (people with special privileges), and the SysOp level.
They are differentiated, of course, by what they can do to a Citadel system.

What normal users can do is decided by the SysOp’s policy decisions in
CTDLCNFG.SYS.

Aides have 4 commands available to them that is not available to the normal
users. These are accessed thru the command “.Aide “, and they are:

elete empty rooms
dit current room
nsert pulled message
ill current room

These are detailed in AIDE.HLP. Details on how to make a normal user into an
aide and vice versa are below. Aide functions may be used from either a remote
location or from the system console.

The SysOp(s)’ functions differ from the Aide functions in that they may be usedONLY from the System Console, and in that the SysOp does NOT have to be logged
in if s/he does not wish to be to perform these special functions. In fact,
somebody else can be logged in.

To perform SysOp functions, first ensure that Citadel is in CONSOLE mode. If
you are in MODEM mode, hit the ESC. If somebody is on from remote,
interrupt him/her only at the room prompts. Once in CONSOLE mode, push a
CTRL L (control key and L key simultaneously); Citadel should then print
‘privileged cmd: ‘ or somesuch. You now have access to SysOp special functions.
With the exception of et date below, none of these are accessible to the
Aides or anyone else.

Privileged sysop functions:

bort to main menu
hat enable/suppress switch
ebug switch
ill account
ODEM mode
etwork stuff

rivilege switch (aide)
et date
isible mode switch
eit to MS-DOS
Privileged Aide functions:

Pushing bort is one of 3 ways out of the SysOp command menu. Abort
puts you back into -CONSOLE- mode.

The hat switch is a toggle switch that will either tell users that you
are not around, or will ring the Console’s bell to call you.

The ebug switch is for use when debugging Citadel. It’s of no use for
normal Citadel installations.

To destroy a person’s account on a Citadel system, use the ill Account
switch. You will be asked to specify a name; if Citadel finds a user by that
name, then it’ll ask for confirmation.

odem mode is the second way to exit the SysOp command menu. It leaves
Citadel in -MODEM- mode.

etwork stuff pertains to the network. See NETWORK.DOC for details on
usage of commands, NETHACK.DOC for technical details.

The

rivilege switch is how you assign and take away Aide privileges from
people. Citadel, when this option is selected, will ask for a name. If it
finds who you specify, it will print out what toggling this person’s aide
switch will do, and then ask you to confirm if that’s what you want to do
with that person.

et date allows you to set the date and time. This data will be used to
set the MS-DOS clock.

The isible is another debug switch, not used by normal Citadel
installations.

eit is the 3rd and last way to exit the SysOp cmd menu. This folds Citadel
up and returns you to MS-DOS.

D0X]

0

Von: Michael Marsden Michael.Marsden%newcastle.ac.uk @ SUB (Mo, 08.07.91 07:12)

– aus alt.auicide.holiday (Usenet) –

SUICIDE – Methods

1. HANGING
2 methods
1. asphyxiation (dangle on end of rope for 10 minutes)
Time: 5 to 10 minutes
Available: Rope, solid support 10 foot above ground
Certainty: Fairly certain (discovery, rope/support snapping)
Notes: Brain damage likely if rescued. Very painful depending on
rope. Most common EFFECTIVE form of suicide. See later
“Asphyxiation” section. Someone did this about 10 meters
from where I was sleeping once. Worked perfectly.

2. breaking neck
Time: Should be instant if it does break. See previous if not
Available: Rope, solid support, 10 foot space below, several above
Certainty: Very certain if the rope/support doesn’t break
Notes: Minimal danger of discovery (depends on location). Painless
if you drop far enough (8 foot is optimum). Make sure that
the rope is tied securely to something STRONG!! It has to
support your weight MULTIPLIED by the force of the drop
(in g). Use a hangman’s knot (with the knot at the back of
your neck).

2. POISON
Availability of effective poisons restricted.
Normally painless, but depends on drug.
Large danger of discovery because slow.
Available compounds dangerous, have side effect if survived.
Fairly common, usually ineffective (depends on drug, dose and luck).
Takes from 10 seconds to fortnight or more.
In general, you need to stay away from medical help until you actually die,
but there are exceptions to this (that have been pointed out in the text).
Common drugs:

Cyanide (HCN?)
Dosage: 50 mg Hydrogen Cyanide gas, 200-300 mg Cyanide salts
Time: seconds for HC, minutes Cs (empty stomach) hours (full s)
Available: very difficult to get hold of
Certainty: very certain
Notes: It helps to have an empty stomach (since the salts react
with the stomach acids to form H.C.). A full stomach can
delay death for up to four hours with the salts. Antidotes
to cyanide poisoning exist, but they have serious side
effects (they precipitate cyanide and similarly shaped
molecules from the blood stream. This frequently blocks
blood supply into toes, ears… so you could lose
one or two if you are “rescued”). What you can do, is
instead of taking the salts directly, drop 500mg or so
into a strong acid, and inhale the fumes. This will be
pure Hydrogen Cyanide, and you should die in 10 to 20
seconds.
The following is something I saw on the net:
“Hydrocyanic acid is one of the most poisonous substances
known; the inhalation of its fumes in high concentration
will cause almost immediate death. Hydrogen cyanide acts
by preventing the normal process of tissue oxidation
and paralyzing the respiratory center in the brain. Most
of the accidental cases are due to inhaling the fumes
during a fumigating process. In the pure state it kills
with great rapidity. Crystalline cyanides, such as
potassium or sodium cyanide are equally poisonous, since
they interact with the hydrochloric acid in the stomach
to liberate hydrocyanic acid. This poison has been used
for both homicide and suicide; in recent history, a
number of European Political figures carried vials of
cyanide salt for emergency self-destruction aand some
used them. Death resulted from amounts of only a
fraction of a gram. A concentration of 1 part in 500 of
hydrogen cyanide gas is fatal. Allowable working concen-
tration in most of the United States is 20 ppm. Two and
one-half grains of liquid acid has killed. The acid acts
fatally in about 15 minutes. The cyanide salts kill in
several hours. The average dose of the solution is 0.1 cc.
Since this is an extremely rapid poison, rapid action is
necessary. Occasionally the victim may make a few voluntary
actions before death results or alarming symptoms set in.
Death results from paralysis of the respiration. When a
smaller dose is taken the symptoms are diziness, headache,
and shortness of breath followed by convulsions, coma,
and collapse.
If amyl nitrate is available, have the victim inhale it
immediately for 20 seconds. Have the victim swallow 2
tablespoonfuls of hydrogen peroxide. Have the victim
inhale ammonia. Administer oxygen.”
[ed – cure sounds pretty bad.. drink bleach?? yuk]

Aspirin (acetylsalicylic acid?)
Dosage: 20-30+ grammes (too many cause vomitting)
Time: hours to days, variable
Available: easy to get hold of (get soluble ones, & dissolve them)
Certainty: unreliable
Notes: Not recommended, fatal dose varies wildly, could cause
liver & kidney damage instead of death. OD causes strange
noises in your ears (like a video arcade) & projectile
vomiting after about 10 hours. Medical help generally
effective, so stay out of hospital for a couple of days.
May cause bleeding in your stomach/upper intestines.
Take with sodium bicarbinate (eg, bicarb. of soda), which
speeds up the absorbtion (sp?) significantly.

Paracetamol (aka acet[a|yl]minopren / tylenol)
Dosage: 15+ grammes, 20+ is better
Time: 10 hours fatal damage, but 2 weeks to actually die
Available: easy to get hold of
Certainty: fairly reliable
Notes: Once 10-12 hours is up, you’ve had it, but you still live
for a week or two after that. Probably better to wait 15
hours just to make sure. Horrible side effects
during this time (some of which are: acute toxic hepatitis,
renal failure, cerebral oedema, intra-abdominal bleeding,
aspiration pneumonia, haemophilia). Too small dose causes
severe liver damage. Accidental deaths are very common.

Sleeping tablets (don’t know what kinds)
Dosage: 50+???
Time: unconsious in minutes, coma for hours or day,
death day or two. May survive coma.
Available: needs to be prescribed (in UK at any rate)
Certainty: semi-reliable, need to get dosage right
very reliable with plastic bag and rubber band
Notes: I don’t have enough information about these. Combine
with an airtight plastic bag, and a rubber band to
get a very effective method. Also combine with half a
bottle of whisky, it helps.
May be quicker if you open up the capsules, and dissolve
the contents in water. May also mean that you won’t puke
and lose the drug.
One of the teachers at my old school used barbiturates &
alcohol, they found her body in the morning.

Alcohol (spirits preferably, your choice)
Dosage: 1/2 litre vodka?, similar. Varies from person to person.
Time: about 8 hours
Available: good
Certainty: unreliable
Notes: will cause liver and kidney damage if ‘rescued’
before death. Drink it all at the same time, quickly
as possible. Dosage is questionable, I don’t have
any figures. Taking the spirits as an enema is supposed
to be a very quick way of absorbing alcohol, but a less
unpleasant way is to inject it. The dosage it takes to
kill you depends on whether you drink normally, the
state of your liver, whether you pass out on your back
or not (and probably also the phase of the moon!).
The following is from sci.med (on USENET):
“The fatal dose of pure alcohol in an average adult is
300-400 mL (750-1000 mL of 40% alcohol) if consumed in
less than one hour. Apart from the effects of overdosage,
death after alcohol consumption can occur as a result of
choking on vomit while unconscious. I don’t believe any
permanent damage occured in the above case [ed – the poster
was talking about a specific case of a single very heavy
drinking session]. Consequences such as liver damage occur
after chronic consumption.”

Water
Dosage: gallons of the stuff (14 litres mentioned)
Time: 12 hours or so?
Available: always available unless you’re in Kuwait.
Certainty: so-so (not certain about this)
Notes: works by washing out the salts in your body, until
the cells fail (osmotic balance buggered up). You need
to keep drinking continually until you collapse. Unusual
method. Someone suggested it would also cause cramps.
The following is something from A.S.H., Dec. 1990.
“About a year ago a local newspaper carried a story about
a woman who had drunk herself to death. Apparently she
had injested something mildly poisonous, and when she
called her doctor asking him what to do, he told her to
drink lots of water and see him in the morning. She
got to it and managed to drink no less than 14 litres of
water before the osmotic balance in her body was so upset
it could no longer function and she died (don’t know how
quickly)”.

Bleach and other corrosives
Dosage: A bottle (litre or half litre)
Time: Hours/days
Available: Easily available
Certainty: Uncertain
Notes: Bloody painful – depends on your stomach getting
corroded, the stomach acids escaping, and doing their
dirty work in your vital organs. Not really my cup of
tea…

Insulin (injected)
Dosage: No idea
Time: Probably quite quickly into coma
Available: Difficult to get hold of unless you’re a diabetic
or a vet
Certainty: Very certain if dose is high enough & not discovered
Notes: Supposed to be quite pleasant (eg insulin shock
treatments used for some psychiatric condition).

Petrol (in lungs/injected)
Dosage: “A Thimble-full” -20 ml?
Time: Seconds/minutes
Available: Common
Certainty: I’m not sure of the dosage, but fairly certain if
correct
Notes: Can also use LPG (propane/butane) on skin surface (since
these are light enough to go through the skin). Stick your
hand in a bucket of propane and see how many seconds you
last…

Oil of Wintergreen/Methyl Salicylate (in lungs/injected)
Dosage: Probably similar to petrol (20 ml)
Time: Don’t know
Available: Not available in concentration
Certainty: Don’t know
Notes: Don’t have enough information on this one to be able
to say anything about it.

Carbon Monoxide
Dosage: 5% concentration or so?
Time: Minutes to hours depending on concentration
Available: You get it out of a car exhaust, you used to be able
to use “town gas” (eg, stick your head in the cooker)
but this is no longer available
Certainty: Fairly certain, as long as you aren’t “rescued”
Notes: Causes brain damage.

Malathon (insecticide)
Dosage: A bottle (?)
Time: 2 to 3 hours
Available: From a large garden centre or DIY shop
Certainty: probable, given correct dosage
Notes: Drink undiluted, shake bottle first since it settles.
it causes diarhoea after about half an hour.

Caffiene
Dosage: 20 grammes
Time: not known
Available: Caffiene tablets available in Chemist shops
Certainty: don’t know
Notes: I don’t know very much about this.

Nitrogen gas (or other inert gas)
Dosage: Several litres uncompressed is minimum
Time: Minutes
Available: Try plumber, or welding supplies company
Certainty: Certain
Notes: This is really a form of asphyxiation, (see later),
but is particularly good since you don’t experience
the lack of oxygen (what people really experience is
the EXCESS of carbon dioxide).

Potassium Chloride (injected in solution) / KCl
Dosage: not known (try 20cc injection of strong solution)
Time: Seconds to minutes
Available: Widely available
Certainty: Certain given correct dosage
Notes: Causes heart attack (which is painful). May be difficult
for coroner to realise it was suicide rather than a
natural heart attack. An excess of K+ in the blood
interferes with nerve signals, and stops muscles and
nerves from working. So when it reaches your heart, the
heart stops. Interesting to see what happens if you inject
it into your carotid artery, if it stops nervous tissue
from working.

Rat poison (Warfarin)
Dosage: not known
Time: Hours to terminal damage, days to actual death
Available: Available
Certainty: Certain given suffient dosage
Notes: This is one of the truly unpleasant poisons, along with
Paracetamol/Acetylminopren. I think it causes cerebral
haemorage (rat poison works by giving the unfortunate rat
haemophillia). Doctors can’t do anything about it, they
just leave you to die in agony on an intensive care ward.

Chlorine gas
Dosage: not known – but probably sufficient generated in suggested
method
Time: not known
Available: Get about 4 litres of concentrated bleach, and the same
of ammonia
Certainty: Good
Notes: This was used in the first world war in the trenches, so
it’s got to be effective. You go into a small room, block
off all the ventilation, and pour the bleach and ammonia
into a bucket. This produces chlorine, you breath it in,
and hey presto! I suspect that this is quite painful,
if you are “rescued” there is a danger of either lung
damage, or a slow lingering death.

Digitalis (Foxglove extract?)
Dosage: not known
Time: Probably minutes
Available: Do foxgloves grow in your area?
Certainty: probably good given sufficient dosage
Notes: Gives you a heart-attack. UNDETECTABLE after death, so
if you don’t want to let your friends/relatives to know
that your death was a suicide use this. I don’t know
how to extract digitalis from foxglove, nor do I know
what the dosage is. Heart attacks are painful, but the
advantages in using an undetectable method make this
very attractive.

Colchicine (Acetyltrimethylcolchicinic acid)
Dosage: 7 mg to 60 mg
Time: symptoms in about 4 hours, death in about 4 days
Available: Easily available (from large garden centre)
Certainty: certain
Notes: From the Autumn crocus (Colchicum Autumnale) /
royal lily (Gloriosa Superba). One flower of CA is
about 12 mg, so take at least five of them. 20g tuber
of GS provides 60mg, single seed of CA provides 3.5mg
(so take 18). Damages blood vessels and nerves, and
stops cell division. Don’t know whether its painful or
not, but that bit about damaging nerves is worrying.
Best thing about this one is the name of the acid!

Nicotine (yep – distilled fags!)
Dosage: extract from 100g tabacco (possibly 150mg pure)
Time: not known (possibly several seconds for 150mg pure)
Available: Easily available
Certainty: not known
Notes: Soak 100 grammes of tabacco for a few days. You get a
brown mess. Strain off the tabacco, then simmer slowly
until most of the liquid has gone, leaving about 2
teaspoons of brown treacle-like stuff. Add it to your
night-time drink, and never wake up. Someone said the
other day that 150mg of pure nicotine would be fatal in
seconds.

Hydrazine
Dosage: As produced by reaction
Time: Not known, fortnight?
Available: Bottle of bleach & bottle of ammonia
Certainty: not known
Notes: Something quoted verbatim from the net:
“This is no joke, Dale. Several years ago at my high
school, one of the janitors innocently mixed together
half a bottle of bleach with half a bottle of of ammonia
in a small closet where the cleaning fluids were kept.
He passed out due to the hydrazine (not chlorine) gas
released in the reaction between the two chemicals. This
man was in agony for two weeks in an intensive care unit
in a local hospital with the majority of the inside
surface of his lungs damaged and untreatable before
he got lucky and died.”
[ed – one of the more nasty methods]

Cocaine
Dosage: 1 ounce (don’t know what that is in real weights..)
Time: 2 to 3 hours?
Available: Difficult
Certainty: not known
Notes: Read something in a newspaper… a coke dealer died
after eating an ounce of it, when the police raided
his house. Cause of death was a cardiac arrest 2 1/2
hours after the overdose.

3. JUMPING OFF BUILDINGS
Time: Instantanious if you are lucky, minutes/hours otherwise
Available: You need ten stories or higher, and access to the top floor
windows/roof. Bring a bolt cutter to get onto the roof
Certainty: 90% for 6 stories, increasing after that
Notes: Difficult to overcome fear of heights, many people can’t do it.
Totally painless if high enough, but very frightening.
Easily discovered if seen on/near roof/windows. Access fairly
easy in a city, otherwise difficult. Risk of spending the
rest of your life in a wheelchair. Ever tried killing yourself
if you are paralysed from the neck down? Email conversations
suggest 10+ stories works ALMOST all of the time. Try to land
on concrete. Quote – “9 out of 10 people who fall 6 stories
will die”

4. SLITTING WRISTS OR OTHER (pathetic)
Time: Minutes if major artery cut, eternity otherwise
Available: You really need a razor sharp knife. Razors are pretty tricky
to hold when they are covered with blood
Certainty: Uncertain if you cut an artery, highly improbable otherwise
Notes: Painful at first. Danger of discovery. This is a very common
suicide ‘gesture’ and hardly ever results in anything other
than a scar. A lot of will power required to cut deeply into
groin or carotid arteries, which are the only ones likely to
kill you. Don’t bother with this method. Cutting your throat
is difficult due to the fact that the carotid arteries
are protected by your windpipe (feel where your arteries are
with your fingertips, & slice from the side). I’ve seen photos
of people who have used this method – the depth of the cut
required is amazing. If you want to cut your wrists, cut along
the blue line (vein) on the underside of your wrist, but cut
deeply so that the artery underneath is exposed. Cut this
lengthways with a razor or similar.

5. BULLET
Time: Microseconds unless you are unlucky (mins/hours)
Available: Difficult in UK, easier in USA (get a shotgun)
Certainty: Certain
Notes: Painless if worked, otherwise painful & brain damage.
Danger of discovery of weapon or ammunition.
Not at all common in UK, more common in USA where guns
available. Brain damage & other effects if you survive.
Death either instantaneous, or prolonged.
Lots of will power needed to fire gun (‘hesitation marks’
are bullets/pellets embedded in the wall, when you jerk
the gun as you fire). Bullet can miss vital parts in skull,
deflect off skull.
NOTE, fill mouth with water, aim about 45 degrees from
vertical, this is reliable* since shockwave from water will
kill instantly.
*NOTE, several people have suggested that this is unreliable.
See “Shotgun” below (since much more effective).
Ammunition to use is: .458 Winchester Magnum, or soft-point
slugs with .44 Magnum. Also you could use a sabot round, which
is a plastic wedge with a smaller thing in it. These rounds are
rather overkill, the phrase “elephant gun” has been used about
the .458 Winchester, but if you’re going to go, do it with
a bang

6. ASPHYXIATION
Time: 5 mins to unconciousness, 10+ mins to brain death
Available: Anywhere there’s a rope and something solid to tie it to
Certainty: Certain, if yoou don’t get “rescued”
Notes: Panic reaction is very likely (unless inert gasses used).
One of the most effective and most used methods of suicide.
Probable brain damage if you are “rescued”.
NOTE, this can only really be done in two ways: firstly,
when you are unconsious (eg, sleeping pills), or secondly,
by hanging. Combining with pure inert gasses is a very good
suggestion. See “Nitrogen” in the poisons section

7. AIR IN VEINS (basically just a myth)
Time: Eternity
Available: Plenty of air about… Need a hypodermic & syringe
Certainty: Almost zero (you might catch something from the needle)
Notes: This doesn’t work, unless you inject absolutely massive
amounts of air (it all goes out of the lungs). Myth caused
by the way that doctors squirt a syringe before using it to
get rid of contaminants. If you have to try it, go for the
carotid artery, since this goes to the brain. If you want
a heart attack, you will have to inject something on the order
of 20-50ml every heart-beat (these are ball-park figures) for
several heart beats. Good luck

8. DECAPITATION
Time: Couple of seconds before conciousness fades
Available: Happen to have a train line nearby? Or a guillotine perhaps?
Certainty: Very certain, unless you pull away just before
Notes: See “jumping in front of trains”. May be difficult to stop
pulling your head out of the way – OD on sleeping tablets
first

9. DISEMBOWELMENT (aka seppuku/hara kiri)
Time: Minutes
Available: Got a nice razor-sharp sword?
Certainty: Fairly certain, assuming that you managed to gut yourself
properly before passing out with the agony
Notes: Painful, even the Samurai used a ‘second’ to decapitate them
at the appropriate point, so don’t expect to do much more than
give yourself peritonitis. Trendy for insane martial arts
fanatics and gay Japanese poets called Mishima.

10. DROWNING
Time: Minutes (usually 5 mins, but up to 20 mins in cold water)
Available: Anywhere there’s deep water in a remote spot
Certainty: Good, just make sure you sink & can’t swim
Notes: Put stones in your pockets, tie your legs & hands together,
and hop into the lake.. bit of a shock to the fisherman who
finds your rotting corpse stuck in his brand new net.

11. ELECTROCUTION
Time: Seconds / minutes
Available: Anywhere with high-tension, high-current lines & a good earth
Certainty: Somewhat dependant on luck & how much power goes through you
Notes: Don’t bother with 110 or 240 volt mains, its just not enough.
Some people do get killed with household electricity, but only
after several minutes. Use high tension lines, stand in bare
feet on waterlogged ground (better still, but a piece of THICK
copper cable into the nearest river). Works best if current
path travels through your head, or through the heart. Just
burns you badly otherwise.

12. EXPLOSIVES
Time: 10 milliseconds, or similar (!)
Available: Difficult to get hold of detonator & good explosives
Certainty: Certain if detonator works properly
Notes: DON’T USE GUNPOWDER or other ‘slow’ explosives (eg,
homemade explosives). Use dynamite or ‘Plastique’, strap
it to your forehead with the detonator, and BOOM! The main
problem is with getting hold of high explosives (I know the
recipe for Nitro-Glycerine, but home manufacture is extremely
risky, and the product is unstable). If you can get a grenade,
use it, it’s probably the best way of doing this one.

13. FREEZING TO DEATH
Time: several hours (15 minutes in very cold water)
Available: Got a large chest freezer? Is the outside temp 100F.

X-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-X
Another file downloaded from: The NIRVANAnet(tm) Seven

& the Temple of the Screaming Electron Taipan Enigma 510/935-5845
Burn This Flag Zardoz 408/363-9766
realitycheck Poindexter Fortran 510/527-1662
Lies Unlimited Mick Freen 801/278-2699
The New Dork Sublime Biffnix 415/864-DORK
The Shrine Rif Raf 206/794-6674
Planet Mirth Simon Jester 510/786-6560

“Raw Data for Raw Nerves”
X-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-X

0

HOW DO I GET PUBLISHED? THEN WHAT DO I DO?
by Kathy Fieler

There are two elements to writing, says Charlie Patton, Book
Review Editor for the _Florida Times Union_; aptitude and diligence.
“There has to be some innate talent, or at least some level of talent.
There are great geniuses and there are competent, hard-working writers.
Your talent will carry you to different levels, but you learn by talking
to people who are good writers.”

Writing for hire teaches skills necessary for consistently turning
out publishable material, according to Patton. A writers who is trying
to sell an article will research the market before investing time in
the writing process. When the goal is a paycheck, the writers must be
disciplined and realistic.

“Another nice thing is you have to write to deadlines,” he says.
Patton works best against a deadline, because it forces him to concentrate.
He suspects most writers are like this. “I think most writers tend to
procrastinate,” he says. “Certainly writers working in the newspaper
business do. No one ever turns things in six weeks ahead of deadline.
It’s always more like six minutes before, of six minutes after.”

Start by writing what interests you, because you’ll have a passion
for the subject, he advises. Then write any time an opportunity
presents itself. “I began writing about sports, not because I wanted
to write, but because I liked sports,” he said. “If you’re in high
school or college, write for the school newspaper. You have to begin
the writing process to learn it.”

Reference books, particularly a good thesaurus, a good dictionary,
and a manual of style, are important to both the beginning writer and
the seasoned pro. “I’ve got lots of reference books and have access to
lots of good ones at the newspaper,” says Patton, “but I’m in the
unusual position as the editor of a newspaper. I get sent hundreds of
books a year.” He advocates going to your public library if you’re on
a budget.

Electronic reference books are becoming ever more available to
people with home computers and Patton believes writers should take
advantage of it. “We’re on the leading edge of the electronic age,” he
says. “In my house, we don’t have encyclopedias on paper any more. We
have them on CD ROM and that’s just the beginning of what’s available.
A newspaper called the _San Jose Mercury_ has taken a leading role,
publishing by computer, and is available on one of the on-line
services.”

Beware of short cuts, he warns. “Writers should seek publication,
but anybody that pays to get their stuff published is not a professional,”
he says. With all the scams out there, it’s easy to succumb to impatience
and get caught up in vanity publishing. Likewise, it’s easy to concede to
giving work away, just to see your name in print. And make sure your read
up on copyright laws. Know which rights you are selling or seek the
advice of a good copyright attorney before signing any contract.

That is not to say Patton thinks self-publishing is always bad. “I
encounter lots of people who want to be writers, who don’t have the
talent or haven’t put in the effort, but think they are deserving of
the attention because they aspire to be a writer,” he said. Patton
doesn’t have a problem with someone publishing his own book, if it’s
for the right reason, such as it has a niche market and may not sell
in the mainstream.

If you intend to self-publish, you should seek qualified critiques
of your material in order to avoid embarrassing mistakes the pros
would never miss. Patton says writers’ groups, lead by properly
qualified individuals, are good places to have work inexpensively
edited and learn the writing process.

Once you’ve been published, publicity is the next concern. Patton
says it’s really up to the author to see that the book is aggressively
promoted. “It doesn’t hurt to promote your own book,” he says. “Authors
do that all the time. If someone calls me up and offers some aspect that
is germane to my column, I’ll write about it.” The trick, he says, is
to find a story angle for the publication you’re contacting.

Patton likens the successful writer to a great athlete. First you
have to learn the game. Then you have to go to practice, then try-outs,
and finally you make the team. In the end, though, it’s up to you to find
— those photo opportunities.

# # #

Copyright 1994 Kathy Fieler
———————— # # # ———————————-
Kathy is a Jacksonville based freelance writer and publicist. Her works
appeared in FLORIDA TIMES UNION, SUWANNEE DEMOCRAT, CLAY TODAY, NASSAU
COUNTY RECORD, SEE magazines, and others. She is an editor of the THE
PENCHANT, Public Relations Director for the Florida First Coast Writer’s
Festival, and production staff member at STATE STREET REVIEW (a biannual
literary magazine). She’s married, has two children, and various pets.
========================================================================

0

Path: spies!sgiblab!sdd.hp.com!usc!cs.utexas.edu!rutgers!uwvax!meteor!farrenko
From: farrenko@meteor.wisc.edu (Joe Farrenkopf)
Newsgroups: misc.invest
Subject: 1992 daily close for DJIA and S&P500
Message-ID:
Date: 7 Jan 93 22:46:43 GMT
Sender: farrenko@meteor.wisc.edu (Joe Farrenkopf)
Distribution: na
Organization: University of Wisconsin, Meteorology and Space Science
Lines: 328

Here is the daily close information for the Dow Jones Industrial Average
and the S&P 500 for 1992. Data for December 23 is missing — sorry!

Dow Jones closings S & P 500

Change from Change from
Date Close Change previous week Close Change previous week
Jan 1 1992 Holiday – New Year’s
Jan 2 1992 3172.41 + 3.58 417.26 + 0.17
Jan 3 1992 3201.48 + 29.07 + 99.96 419.34 + 2.08 + 12.88

Jan 6 1992 3200.13 – 1.35 417.96 – 1.38
Jan 7 1992 3204.83 + 4.70 417.40 – 0.56
Jan 8 1992 3203.94 – 0.89 418.10 + 0.70
Jan 9 1992 3209.53 + 5.59 417.61 – 0.49
Jan 10 1992 3199.46 – 10.07 – 2.02 415.10 – 2.51 – 4.24

Jan 13 1992 3185.60 – 13.86 414.34 – 0.76
Jan 14 1992 3246.20 + 60.60 420.44 + 6.10
Jan 15 1992 3258.50 + 12.30 420.77 + 0.33
Jan 16 1992 3249.55 – 8.95 418.21 – 2.56
Jan 17 1992 3264.98 + 15.43 + 65.52 418.86 + 0.65 + 3.76

Jan 20 1992 3254.03 – 10.95 416.36 – 2.50
Jan 21 1992 3223.39 – 30.64 412.64 – 3.72
Jan 22 1992 3255.81 + 32.42 418.13 + 5.49
Jan 23 1992 3226.74 – 29.07 414.96 – 3.17
Jan 24 1992 3232.78 + 6.04 – 32.20 415.48 + 0.52 – 3.38

Jan 27 1992 3240.61 + 7.83 414.99 – 0.49
Jan 28 1992 3272.14 + 31.53 414.96 – 0.03
Jan 29 1992 3224.96 – 47.18 410.34 – 4.62
Jan 30 1992 3244.86 + 19.90 411.16 + 0.82
Jan 31 1992 3223.39 – 21.47 – 9.39 408.79 – 2.37 – 6.69

Feb 3 1992 3234.12 + 10.73 409.53 + 0.74
Feb 4 1992 3272.81 + 38.69 413.83 + 4.30
Feb 5 1992 3257.60 – 15.21 413.84 + 0.01
Feb 6 1992 3255.59 – 2.01 413.82 – 0.02
Feb 7 1992 3225.40 – 30.19 + 2.01 411.09 – 2.73 + 2.30

Feb 10 1992 3245.08 + 19.68 413.77 + 2.68
Feb 11 1992 3251.57 + 6.49 413.76 – 0.01
Feb 12 1992 3276.83 + 25.26 417.13 + 3.37
Feb 13 1992 3246.65 – 30.18 413.69 – 3.44
Feb 14 1992 3245.97 – 0.68 + 20.57 412.48 – 1.21 + 1.39

Feb 17 1992 Holiday – President’s Day
Feb 18 1992 3224.73 – 21.24 407.38 – 5.10
Feb 19 1992 3230.32 + 5.59 408.26 + 0.88
Feb 20 1992 3280.64 + 50.32 413.90 + 5.64
Feb 21 1992 3280.19 – 0.45 + 34.22 411.46 – 2.44 – 1.02

Feb 24 1992 3282.42 + 2.23 412.27 + 0.81
Feb 25 1992 3257.83 – 24.59 410.45 – 1.82
Feb 26 1992 3283.32 + 25.49 415.35 + 4.90
Feb 27 1992 3269.45 – 13.87 413.86 – 1.49
Feb 28 1992 3267.67 – 1.78 – 12.52 412.70 – 1.16 + 1.24

Mar 2 1992 3275.27 + 7.60 412.45 – 0.25
Mar 3 1992 3290.25 + 14.98 412.85 + 0.40
Mar 4 1992 3268.56 – 21.69 409.33 – 3.52
Mar 5 1992 3241.50 – 27.06 406.51 – 2.82
Mar 6 1992 3221.60 – 19.90 – 46.07 404.44 – 2.07 – 8.26

Mar 9 1992 3215.12 – 6.48 405.21 + 0.77
Mar 10 1992 3230.99 + 15.87 406.89 + 1.68
Mar 11 1992 3208.63 – 22.36 404.03 – 2.86
Mar 12 1992 3208.63 0.00 403.61 – 0.42
Mar 13 1992 3235.91 + 27.28 + 14.31 405.84 + 2.23 + 1.40

Mar 16 1992 3236.36 + 0.45 406.39 + 0.55
Mar 17 1992 3256.04 + 19.68 409.58 + 3.19
Mar 18 1992 3254.25 – 1.79 409.15 – 0.43
Mar 19 1992 3261.40 + 7.15 409.80 + 0.65
Mar 20 1992 3276.39 + 14.99 + 40.48 411.30 + 1.50 + 5.46

Mar 23 1992 3272.14 – 4.25 409.91 – 1.39
Mar 24 1992 3260.96 – 11.18 408.88 – 1.03
Mar 25 1992 3259.39 – 1.57 407.52 – 1.36
Mar 26 1992 3267.67 + 8.28 407.86 + 0.34
Mar 27 1992 3231.44 – 36.23 – 44.95 403.50 – 4.36 – 7.80

Mar 30 1992 3235.24 + 3.80 403.00 – 0.50
Mar 31 1992 3235.47 + 0.23 403.69 + 0.69
Apr 1 1992 3249.33 + 13.86 404.23 + 0.54
Apr 2 1992 3234.12 – 15.21 400.50 – 3.73
Apr 3 1992 3249.11 + 14.99 + 17.67 401.55 + 1.05 – 1.95

Apr 6 1992 3275.49 + 26.38 405.59 + 4.04
Apr 7 1992 3213.55 – 61.94 398.06 – 7.53
Apr 8 1992 3181.35 – 32.20 394.50 – 3.56
Apr 9 1992 3224.96 + 43.61 400.64 + 6.14
Apr 10 1992 3255.37 + 30.41 + 6.26 404.29 + 3.65 + 2.74

Apr 13 1992 3269.90 + 14.53 406.08 + 1.79
Apr 14 1992 3306.13 + 36.23 412.39 + 6.31
Apr 15 1992 3353.76 + 47.63 416.28 + 3.89
Apr 16 1992 3366.50 + 12.74 +111.13 416.05 – 0.23 + 11.76
Apr 17 1992 Holiday – Good Friday

Apr 20 1992 3336.31 – 30.19 410.16 – 5.89
Apr 21 1992 3343.25 + 6.94 410.26 + 0.10
Apr 22 1992 3338.77 – 4.48 409.81 – 0.45
Apr 23 1992 3348.61 + 9.84 411.60 + 1.79
Apr 24 1992 3324.46 – 24.15 – 42.04 409.02 – 2.58 – 7.03

Apr 27 1992 3304.56 – 19.90 408.45 – 0.57
Apr 28 1992 3307.92 + 3.36 409.11 + 0.66
Apr 29 1992 3333.18 + 25.26 412.02 + 2.91
Apr 30 1992 3359.12 + 25.94 414.95 + 2.93
May 1 1992 3336.09 – 23.03 + 11.63 412.53 – 2.42 + 3.51

May 4 1992 3378.13 + 42.04 416.91 + 4.38
May 5 1992 3359.35 – 18.78 416.84 – 0.07
May 6 1992 3369.41 + 10.06 416.79 – 0.05
May 7 1992 3363.37 – 6.04 415.85 – 0.94
May 8 1992 3369.41 + 6.04 + 33.32 416.05 + 0.20 + 3.52

May 11 1992 3397.58 + 28.17 418.49 + 2.44
May 12 1992 3385.12 – 12.46 416.29 – 2.20
May 13 1992 3391.98 + 6.86 416.45 + 0.16
May 14 1992 3368.88 – 23.10 413.14 – 3.31
May 15 1992 3353.09 – 15.79 – 16.32 410.09 – 3.05 – 5.96

May 18 1992 3376.03 + 22.94 412.81 + 2.72
May 19 1992 3397.99 + 21.96 416.37 + 3.56
May 20 1992 3393.84 – 4.15 415.39 – 0.98
May 21 1992 3378.71 – 15.13 412.60 – 2.79
May 22 1992 3386.77 + 8.06 + 33.68 414.02 + 1.42 + 3.93

May 25 1992 Holiday – Memorial Day
May 26 1992 3364.21 – 22.56 411.41 – 2.61
May 27 1992 3370.44 + 6.23 412.17 + 0.76
May 28 1992 3398.43 + 27.99 416.74 + 4.57
May 29 1992 3396.88 – 1.55 + 10.11 415.35 – 1.39 + 1.33

Jun 1 1992 3413.21 + 16.33 417.30 + 1.95
Jun 2 1992 3396.10 – 17.11 413.50 – 3.80
Jun 3 1992 3406.99 + 10.89 414.59 + 1.09
Jun 4 1992 3399.73 – 7.26 413.26 – 1.33
Jun 5 1992 3398.69 – 1.04 + 1.81 413.48 + 0.22 – 1.87

Jun 8 1992 3404.14 + 5.45 413.36 – 0.12
Jun 9 1992 3369.92 – 34.22 410.06 – 3.30
Jun 10 1992 3343.22 – 26.70 407.25 – 2.81
Jun 11 1992 3351.51 + 8.29 409.05 + 1.80
Jun 12 1992 3354.36 + 2.85 – 44.33 409.76 + 0.71 – 3.72

Jun 15 1992 3354.90 + 0.54 410.29 + 0.53
Jun 16 1992 3329.24 – 24.66 408.32 – 1.97
Jun 17 1992 3287.76 – 41.48 402.26 – 6.06
Jun 18 1992 3274.12 – 13.64 400.96 – 1.30
Jun 19 1992 3285.35 + 11.23 – 69.01 403.67 + 2.71 – 6.09

Jun 22 1992 3280.80 – 4.55 403.40 – 0.27
Jun 23 1992 3285.62 + 4.82 404.04 + 0.64
Jun 24 1992 3290.70 + 5.08 403.83 – 0.21
Jun 25 1992 3284.01 – 6.69 403.12 – 0.71
Jun 26 1992 3282.41 – 1.60 – 2.91 403.45 + 0.33 – 0.22

Jun 29 1992 3319.86 + 37.45 408.94 + 5.49
Jun 30 1992 3318.52 – 1.34 408.14 – 0.80
Jul 1 1992 3354.10 + 35.58 412.88 + 4.74
Jul 2 1992 3330.29 – 23.81 + 47.88 411.77 – 1.11 + 8.32
Jul 3 1992 Holiday – Fourth of July

Jul 6 1992 3339.21 + 8.92 413.84 + 2.07
Jul 7 1992 3295.17 – 44.04 409.16 – 4.68
Jul 8 1992 3293.28 – 1.89 410.28 + 1.12
Jul 9 1992 3324.08 + 30.80 414.23 + 3.95
Jul 10 1992 3330.56 + 6.48 + 0.27 414.62 + 0.39 + 2.85

Jul 13 1992 3337.31 + 6.75 414.87 + 0.25
Jul 14 1992 3358.39 + 21.08 417.68 + 2.81
Jul 15 1992 3345.42 – 12.97 417.10 – 0.58
Jul 16 1992 3361.63 + 16.21 417.54 + 0.44
Jul 17 1992 3331.64 – 29.99 + 1.08 415.62 – 1.92 + 1.00

Jul 20 1992 3303.00 – 28.64 413.75 – 1.87
Jul 21 1992 3308.41 + 5.41 413.76 + 0.01
Jul 22 1992 3277.61 – 30.80 410.93 – 2.83
Jul 23 1992 3290.04 + 12.43 412.08 + 1.15
Jul 24 1992 3285.71 – 4.33 – 45.93 411.60 – 0.48 – 4.02

Jul 27 1992 3282.20 – 3.51 411.54 – 0.06
Jul 28 1992 3334.07 + 51.87 417.52 + 5.98
Jul 29 1992 3379.19 + 45.12 422.23 + 4.71
Jul 30 1992 3391.89 + 12.70 423.92 + 1.69
Jul 31 1992 3393.78 + 1.89 +108.07 424.21 + 0.29 + 12.61

Aug 3 1992 3395.40 + 1.62 425.09 + 0.88
Aug 4 1992 3384.32 – 11.08 424.36 – 0.73
Aug 5 1992 3365.14 – 19.18 422.19 – 2.17
Aug 6 1992 3340.56 – 24.58 420.59 – 1.60
Aug 7 1992 3332.18 – 8.38 – 61.60 418.88 – 1.71 – 5.33

Aug 10 1992 3337.58 + 5.40 419.42 + 0.54
Aug 11 1992 3331.10 – 6.48 418.90 – 0.52
Aug 12 1992 3320.83 – 10.27 417.78 – 1.12
Aug 13 1992 3313.27 – 7.56 417.73 – 0.05
Aug 14 1992 3328.94 + 15.67 – 3.24 419.91 + 2.18 + 1.03

Aug 17 1992 3324.89 – 4.05 420.74 + 0.83
Aug 18 1992 3329.48 + 4.59 421.34 + 0.60
Aug 19 1992 3307.06 – 22.42 418.19 – 3.15
Aug 20 1992 3304.89 – 2.17 418.26 + 0.07
Aug 21 1992 3254.10 – 50.79 – 74.84 414.85 – 3.41 – 5.06

Aug 24 1992 3228.17 – 25.93 410.72 – 4.13
Aug 25 1992 3232.22 + 4.05 411.61 + 0.89
Aug 26 1992 3246.81 + 14.59 413.51 + 1.90
Aug 27 1992 3254.64 + 7.83 413.53 + 0.02
Aug 28 1992 3267.61 + 12.97 + 13.51 414.84 + 1.31 – 0.01

Aug 31 1992 3257.35 – 10.26 414.03 – 0.81
Sep 1 1992 3266.26 + 8.91 416.07 + 2.04
Sep 2 1992 3290.31 + 24.05 417.98 + 1.91
Sep 3 1992 3292.20 + 1.89 417.98 0.00
Sep 4 1992 3281.93 – 10.27 + 14.32 417.08 – 0.90 + 2.24

Sep 7 1992 Holiday – Labor Day
Sep 8 1992 3260.59 – 21.34 414.44 – 2.64
Sep 9 1992 3271.39 + 10.80 416.36 + 1.92
Sep 10 1992 3305.16 + 33.77 419.95 + 3.59
Sep 11 1992 3305.70 + 0.54 + 23.77 419.58 – 0.37 + 2.50

Sep 14 1992 3376.22 + 70.52 425.27 + 5.69
Sep 15 1992 3327.32 – 48.90 419.77 – 5.50
Sep 16 1992 3319.21 – 8.11 419.92 + 0.15
Sep 17 1992 3315.70 – 3.51 419.93 + 0.01
Sep 18 1992 3327.05 + 11.35 + 21.35 422.93 + 3.00 + 3.35

Sep 21 1992 3320.83 – 6.22 422.14 – 0.79
Sep 22 1992 3280.85 – 39.98 417.14 – 5.00
Sep 23 1992 3278.69 – 2.16 417.44 + 0.30
Sep 24 1992 3287.87 + 9.18 418.47 + 1.03
Sep 25 1992 3250.32 – 37.55 – 76.73 414.35 – 4.12 – 8.58

Sep 28 1992 3276.26 + 25.94 416.62 + 2.27
Sep 29 1992 3266.80 – 9.46 416.80 + 0.18
Sep 30 1992 3271.66 + 4.86 417.80 + 1.00
Oct 1 1992 3254.37 – 17.29 416.29 – 1.51
Oct 2 1992 3200.61 – 53.76 – 49.71 410.47 – 5.82 – 3.88

Oct 5 1992 3179.00 – 21.61 407.57 – 2.90
Oct 6 1992 3178.19 – 0.81 407.18 – 0.39
Oct 7 1992 3152.25 – 25.94 404.25 – 2.93
Oct 8 1992 3176.03 + 23.78 407.75 + 3.50
Oct 9 1992 3136.58 – 39.45 – 64.03 402.66 – 5.09 – 7.81

Oct 12 1992 3174.41 + 37.83 407.44 + 4.78
Oct 13 1992 3201.42 + 27.01 409.30 + 1.86
Oct 14 1992 3195.48 – 5.94 409.37 + 0.07
Oct 15 1992 3174.68 – 20.80 409.60 + 0.23
Oct 16 1992 3174.41 – 0.27 + 37.83 411.73 + 2.13 + 9.07

Oct 19 1992 3188.45 + 14.04 414.98 + 3.25
Oct 20 1992 3186.02 – 2.43 415.48 + 0.50
Oct 21 1992 3187.10 + 1.08 415.67 + 0.19
Oct 22 1992 3200.88 + 13.78 414.90 – 0.77
Oct 23 1992 3207.64 + 6.76 + 33.23 414.10 – 0.80 + 2.37

Oct 26 1992 3244.11 + 36.47 418.16 + 4.06
Oct 27 1992 3235.73 – 8.38 418.49 + 0.33
Oct 28 1992 3251.40 + 15.67 420.13 + 1.64
Oct 29 1992 3246.27 – 5.13 420.86 + 0.73
Oct 30 1992 3226.28 – 19.99 + 18.64 418.68 – 2.18 + 4.58

Nov 2 1992 3262.21 + 35.93 422.75 + 4.07
Nov 3 1992 3252.48 – 9.73 419.92 – 2.83
Nov 4 1992 3223.04 – 29.44 417.11 – 2.81
Nov 5 1992 3243.84 + 20.80 418.02 + 0.91
Nov 6 1992 3240.06 – 3.78 + 13.78 417.58 – 0.44 – 1.10

Nov 9 1992 3240.87 + 0.81 418.59 + 1.01
Nov 10 1992 3225.47 – 15.40 418.62 + 0.03
Nov 11 1992 3240.33 + 14.86 422.20 + 3.58
Nov 12 1992 3239.79 – 0.54 422.87 + 0.67
Nov 13 1992 3233.03 – 6.76 – 7.03 422.43 – 0.44 + 4.85

Nov 16 1992 3205.74 – 27.29 420.68 – 1.75
Nov 17 1992 3193.32 – 12.42 419.27 – 1.41
Nov 18 1992 3207.37 + 14.05 422.85 + 3.58
Nov 19 1992 3209.53 + 2.16 423.61 + 0.76
Nov 20 1992 3227.36 + 17.83 – 5.67 426.65 + 3.04 + 4.22

Nov 23 1992 3223.04 – 4.32 425.12 – 1.53
Nov 24 1992 3248.70 + 25.66 427.59 + 2.47
Nov 25 1992 3266.26 + 17.56 429.19 + 1.60
Nov 26 1992 Holiday – Thanksgiving
Nov 27 1992 3282.20 + 15.94 + 54.84 430.16 + 0.97 + 3.51

Nov 30 1992 3305.16 + 22.96 431.35 + 1.19
Dec 1 1992 3294.36 – 10.80 430.78 – 0.57
Dec 2 1992 3286.25 – 8.11 429.89 – 0.89
Dec 3 1992 3276.53 – 9.72 429.91 + 0.02
Dec 4 1992 3288.68 + 12.15 + 6.48 432.06 + 2.15 + 1.90

Dec 7 1992 3307.33 + 18.65 435.31 + 3.25
Dec 8 1992 3322.18 + 14.85 436.99 + 1.68
Dec 9 1992 3323.81 + 1.63 435.65 – 1.34
Dec 10 1992 3312.19 – 11.62 434.64 – 1.01
Dec 11 1992 3304.08 – 8.11 + 15.40 433.73 – 0.91 + 1.67

Dec 14 1992 3292.20 – 11.88 432.84 – 0.89
Dec 15 1992 3284.36 – 7.84 432.57 – 0.27
Dec 16 1992 3255.18 – 29.18 431.52 – 1.05
Dec 17 1992 3269.23 + 14.05 435.43 + 3.91
Dec 18 1992 3313.27 + 44.04 + 9.19 441.28 + 5.85 + 7.55

Dec 21 1992 3312.46 – 0.81 440.70 – 0.58
Dec 22 1992 3321.10 + 8.64 440.31 – 0.39
Dec 23 1992
Dec 24 1992 3326.24 + 12.97 439.77 – 1.51
Dec 25 1992 Holiday – Christmas

Dec 28 1992 3333.26 + 7.02 439.15 – 0.62
Dec 29 1992 3310.84 – 22.42 437.98 – 1.17
Dec 30 1992 3316.78 + 5.94 438.82 + 0.84
Dec 31 1992 3301.11 – 15.67 – 25.13 435.71 – 3.11 – 4.06
—
Joe Farrenkopf
farrenko@meteor.wisc.edu
University of Wisconsin-Madison

0

CONDENSED GUIDE TO SI UNITS AND STANDARDS
By Drew Daniels

The following is a highly condensed guide to SI units, standard usage and
numerical notation for the benefit of people who have occasion to write
specifications or technical literature of any kind.
The abominable disregard for (literary and verbal) communication
standards even among engineers and highly skilled technicians makes for
needless confusion, ambiguity and duplication of effort.
Let’s review the world standard means and methods for expressing the
terms we use and use them to codify our jargon and simplify our
communications.

SI UNITS, STANDARDS AND NOTATION

All the way back in 1866, the Metric System of units was legalized by
the U.S. Government for trade in the United States.
In 1960 the international “General Conference on Weights and Measures”
met in Paris and named the metric system of units (based on the meter,
kilogram, second, ampere, kelvin and candela) the “International System of
Units”. The Conference also established the abbreviation “SI” as the official
abbreviation, to be used in all languages.
The SI units are used to derive units of measurement for all physical
quantities and phenomena. There are only seven basic SI “base units”, these
are:

NAME SYMBOL QUANTITY
————————————————-
ampere A electric current
candela cd luminous intensity
meter m length
kelvin K thermodynamic temperature
kilogram kg mass
mole mol amount of substance
second s time

The SI derived units and supplementary units are listed here with applicable
derivative equations:

NAME SYMBOL QUANTITY DERIVED BY
——————————————————————
coulomb C quantity of electricity A*s
farad F capacitance A*s/V
henry H inductance V*s/A
hertz Hz frequency s^-
joule J energy or work N*m
lumen lm luminous flux cd*sr
lux lx illuminance lm/m^2
newton N force kg*m/s^2
ohm (upper case omega) electric resistance V/A
pascal Pa pressure N/m^2
radian rad plane angle
steradian sr solid angle
tesla T magnetic flux density Wb/m^2
volt V potential difference W/A
watt W power J/s
weber Wb magnetic flux V*s

NAME SYMBOL QUANTITY
——————————————————————–
ampere per meter A/m magnetic field strength
candela per square meter cd/m^2 luminance
joule per kelvin J/K entropy
joule per kilogram kelvin J/(kg*K) specific heat capacity
kilogram per cubic meter kg/m^3 mass density (density)
meter per second m/s speed, velocity
meter per second per second m/s^2 acceleration
square meter m^2 area
cubic meter m^3 volume
square meter per second m^2/s kinematic viscosity
newton-second per square meter N*s/m^2 dynamic viscosity
1 per second s^- radioactivity
radian per second rad/s angular velocity
radian per second per second rad/s^2 angular acceleration
volt per meter V/m electric field strength
watt per meter kelvin W/(m*K) thermal conductivity
watt per steradian W/sr radiant intensity

DEFINITIONS OF SI UNITS

(The wording used by the Conference may seem a bit stilted, but it is
carefully chosen for semantic clarity to make the definitions unambiguous.)

The ampere is that constant current which, if maintained in two straight
parallel conductors of infinite length, of negligible circular cross section,
and placed 1 meter apart in vacuum, would produce between these conductors a
force equal to 2E-7 newton per meter of length.

The candela is the luminous intensity, in the perpendicular direction, of a
surface of 1/600,000 square meter of a blackbody at the temperature of
freezing platinum under a pressure of 101,325 newtons per square meter.

The coulomb is the quantity of electricity transported in 1 second by the
current of 1 ampere.

The farad is the capacitance of a capacitor between the plates of which
there appears a difference of potential of 1 volt when it is charged by a
quantity of electricity equal to 1 coulomb.

The henry is the inductance of a closed circuit in which an electromotive
force of 1 volt is produced when the electric current in the circuit varies
uniformly at a rate of 1 ampere per second.

The joule is the work done when the point of application of 1 newton is
displaced a distance of 1 meter in the direction of the force.

The kelvin , the unit of thermodynamic temperature, is the fraction 1/273.16
of the thermodynamic temperature of the triple point of water.

The kilogram is the unit of mass; it is equal to the mass of the
international prototype of the kilogram. (The international prototype of the
kilogram is a particular cylinder of platinum-irridium alloy which is
preserved in a vault at Sevres, France, by the International Bureau of Weights
and Measures.)

The lumen is the luminous flux emitted in a solid angle of 1 steradian by a
uniform point source having an intensity of 1 candela.

The meter is the length equal to 1,650,763.73 wavelengths in vacuum of the
radiation corresponding to the transition between the levels 2p sub 10, and 5d
sub 5 of the krypton-86 atom.

The mole is the amount of substance of a system which contains as many
elementary entities as there are carbon atoms in 12 grams of carbon 12. The
elementary entities must be specified and may be atoms, molecules, ions,
electrons, other particles or specified groups of such particles.

The newton is that force which gives to a mass of 1 kilogram an acceleration
of 1 meter per second per second.

The ohm is the electric resistance between two points of a conductor when a
constant difference of potential of 1 volt, applied between these two points,
produces in this conductor a current of 1 ampere, this conductor not being the
source of any electromotive force.

The radian is the plane angle between two radii of a circle which cut off on
the circumference an arc equal in length to the radius.

The second is the duration of 9,192,631,770 periods of the radiation
corresponding to the transition between the two hyperfine levels of the ground
state of the cesium-133 atom.

The steradian is the solid angle which, having its vertex in the center of a
sphere, cuts off an area of the surface of the sphere equal to that of a
square with sides of length equal to the radius of the sphere.

The volt is the difference of electric potential between two points of a
conducting wire carrying a constant current of 1 ampere, when the power
dissipated between these points is equal to 1 watt.

The watt is the power which gives rise to the production of energy at the
rate of 1 joule per second.

The weber is the magnetic flux which, linking a circuit of one turn,
produces in it an electromotive force of 1 volt as it is reduced to zero at a
uniform rate in 1 second.

SI PREFIXES
The names of multiples and submultiples of any SI unit are formed by
application of the prefixes:

MULTIPLIER PREFIX SYMBOL TIMES 1, IS EQUAL TO:
———- —— —— ————————–
10^18 exa E 1 000 000 000 000 000 000
10^15 peta P 1 000 000 000 000 000
10^12 tera T 1 000 000 000 000
10^9 giga G 1 000 000 000
10^6 mega M 1 000 000
10^3 kilo k 1 000
10^2 hecto h 100
10 deka da 10
0 — — 1 (unity)
10^-1 deci d .1
10^-2 centi c .01
10^-3 milli m .001
10^-6 micro u .000 001
10^-9 nano n .000 000 001
10^-12 pico p .000 000 000 001
10^-15 femto f .000 000 000 000 001
10^-18 atto a .000 000 000 000 000 001

Some examples: ten-thousand grams is written; 10 kg, 20,000 cycles per
second is written; 20 kHz, 10-million hertz is written; 10 MHz, and 250
billionths of a weber per meter of magnetic flux is written; 250 nWb/m.
Always use less than 1000 units with an SI prefix; “1000 MGS” is advertizing
hyperbole and should be written ” 1 g ” only.
SI prefixes and units should be written together and then set off by a
space (single space in print) from their numerators. For example; use the
form ” 35 mm ” instead of ” 35mm ” and ” 1 kHz ” instead of ” 1k Hz “.
When writing use standard SI formats and be consistent. You should
consult National Bureau of Standards publication 330, (1977) for details on
usage.
Never combine SI prefixes directly, that is, write 10^-10 farads as 100
pF instead of 0.1 micro-microfarads (uuF). Keep in mind that whenever you
write out a unit name longhand, the rule is that the name is all lower case,
but when abbreviating, the first letter is upper case if the unit is named
after a person and lower case if it is not; examples: V = volt for Volta, F =
farad for Faraday, T = tesla for Tesla, and so on. Letter m = meter, s =
second, rad = radian, and so on. Revolutions per minute may be written only
as r/min, miles per hour may be written only as mi./hr, and inches per second
may be written only as in./s and so on.

In addition to the correct upper and lower case, prefixes and
combinations, there is also a conventional text spacing for SI units and
abbreviations. Write 20 Hz, rather than 20Hz. Write 20 kHz, rather than
20k Hz, and so on. Always separate the numerator of a unit from its prefix
and/or unit name, but do not separate the prefix and name.

SCIENTIFIC AND ENGINEERING NOTATION
(NOTE: “E” stands for power of 10 exponent.)
Scientific notation is used to make big and small numbers easy to handle.
Engineering notation is similar to scientific notation except that it uses
thousands exclusively, rather than tens like scientific notation.

The number 100 could be written 1E2 (1*10^2) or 10^2 in scientific
notation, but would be written only as 100 in engineering notation. The
number 12,000 would be written 1.2E4 (1.2*10^4) in scientific, and written
12E3 (12*10^3) in engineering notation. Here is a partial listing of possible
Scientific and Engineering notation prefixes:

SCIENTIFIC ENGINEERING SCIENTIFIC ENGINEERING
———- ———– ———- ———–
10^-18 = 1 a 10^1 = 10
10^-17 = 10 a 10^2 = 100
10^-16 = 100 a 10^3 = 1 k
10^-15 = 1 f 10^4 = 10 k
10^-14 = 10 f 10^5 = 100 k
10^-13 = 100 f 10^6 = 1 M
10^-12 = 1 p 10^7 = 10 M
10^-11 = 10 p 10^8 = 100 M
10^-10 = 100 p 10^9 = 1 G
10^-9 = 1 n 10^10 = 10 G
10^-8 = 10 n 10^11 = 100 G
10^-7 = 100 n 10^12 = 1 T
10^-6 = 1 u 10^13 = 10 T
10^-5 = 10 u 10^14 = 100 T
10^-4 = 100 u 10^15 = 1 P
10^-3 = 1 m 10^16 = 10 P
10^-2 = 10 m 10^17 = 100 P
10^-1 = 100 m 10^18 = 1 E
10^0 = 1 10^19 = 10 E
10^20 = 100 E

Engineering notation is used by default when we speak because the
numerical values of the spoken names of SI prefixes run in increments of
thousands such as; kilohertz, microfarads, millihenrys and megaohms
(pronounced “megohms”). The spoken term “20 kilohertz” is already in
engineering notation, and would be written on paper as 20E3 (20*10^3) hertz in
strict engineering notation and as 2E4 (2*10^4) in scientific notation if it
were not written in the more familiar form, 20 kHz.

In either case, scientific or engineering, the rule is: for numbers
greater than 1, the En part of the figure indicates the number of decimal
places to the right that zeros will be added to the original number. For
numbers smaller than 1, the E-n part of the figure indicates the number of
decimal places to the left of the original number that the decimal point
itself should be moved. The small “n” and “-n” here stand for the digits in
the exponent itself.

A definitive phamphlet describing SI units, conversions between SI units,
older CGS and MKS units and units outside the SI system of units is available
in the form of NASA Publication SP-7012, (1973). Inquire to the U.S.
Government Printing Office in Pueblo, Colorado or in Washington, D.C. for this
and other publications about SI units, their use and history.

END

0

Cheats are in upper case letters for highlighting purposes only
and do not have to be entered as such.

SHADOW OF THE BEAST – At any time during the game, press the enter
key on the numeric keypad about five times, then press the F5 key
a couple of times and your health should rise from 12 to 30. This
cheat can be repeated as many times as you wish.

THE SPY WHO LOVED ME – Once you have begun the game, type
MISS MONEYPENNY (don’t forget the space) for infinite lives and
infinite Q credits in the enhancer truck.

ATOMIC ROBOKID – On the title screen, type TUESDAY 14TH (don’t
forget the space). Now press the fire button on the joystick and
you will be presented with a menu of a list of cheat options!

SLY SPY SECRET AGENT – At the beginning of the game when you are
asked for a code, enter 007. Then, at any time when playing, type
SHAKEN NOT STIRRED for infinite credits. Do not touch the joystick
while entering the cheat or it will not work.

GREMLINS 2 – Type SINATRA on the high score table for infinite
lives.

X-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-X
Another file downloaded from: The NIRVANAnet(tm) Seven

& the Temple of the Screaming Electron Taipan Enigma 510/935-5845
Burn This Flag Zardoz 408/363-9766
realitycheck Poindexter Fortran 510/527-1662
Lies Unlimited Mick Freen 801/278-2699
The New Dork Sublime Biffnix 415/864-DORK
The Shrine Rif Raf 206/794-6674
Planet Mirth Simon Jester 510/786-6560

“Raw Data for Raw Nerves”
X-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-X

0

ONLY YOU CAN TEAR THIS

Twist an ordinary paper napkin
repeatedly like a rope and ask your
companion to pull the ends and break the
napkin. Any napkin will prove difficult
(although not impossible) to tear. When
you try it however, you are able to tear
each napkin easily, impressing everyone
with your great strength once again.

Oh yea, I guess I should tell you how to
do this huh? When no one is looking, dip
your fingers into your water glass, or
just use the condensation that has
collected on the outside of the glass,
and moisten the center of the napkin.
You may have to do this a couple of
times. Once you have moistened the
napkin, the paper is reduced to the
original pulp and the fibers are so
weakened that they will pull apart
easily. With a little practice you will
be able to moisten the napkin without
anyone noticing while you are twisting
it into the rope-like shape.

– END FILE –

0

THE PUSH

A broom handle or similar object is held
parallel to the floor. Two or even more
men grasp it palms up. Drop a piece of
paper onto the floor and instruct the
men to touch the end of the broom handle
to the paper. Of course they do this
effortlessly.

Then challenge them.

State that with only two fingers you can
prevent them from doing that again.
After they laugh and accept your
challenge, place two fingers just inside
the hand closest to the end intended to
touch the paper. When they attempt to
touch the paper, they will instead find
themselves moving across the room. The
secret? Instead of pushing up as
everyone will expect. you push forward,
redirecting their force. Practice a few
times at home first.

Variation: Challenge a person as
follows. Have your victim take a broom
handle or similar object and hold it in
front of them, parallel with their own
body, handle end pointed downward. Tell
them to grip it with both hands and push
it to the floor. Again, this is done
effortlessly. Now tell them that you
can stop them from doing this with only
two fingers. Explain to them that they
cannot jerk the broom or use any quick
motion. Just a steady pressure.

When they accept the challenge, just
place your two fingers near the bottom
of the handle, closest to the floor and
when they begin to push down, YOU push
to the side, once again re-directing
their force. The handle goes everywhere
but down.

Another great one: Pick the largest
person in the room for this one. Hold a
broom handle in your hands, parallel to
the floor at about chest height. Grip
the handle about even with your
shoulders. Challenge this person,
saying that no matter how hard they push
against the broom handle, they will not
be able to move you backwards. Have
them grasp the handle just on the
outside of your hands and explain that
they must push with a steady pressure,
no quick motions, jerks or shoves. When
he begins to push, you simply redirect
the force either upwards or downwards
depending on the height of your
challenger. Gets them every time!

– END FILE –

0

From: JRP1@phoenix.cambridge.ac.uk (Jonathan R. Partington)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: How to be a Statistician (believed to be true)
Date: 12 Aug 90 10:30:03 GMT

A friend of a friend, who is a probabilist, made a bet that he
could write a publishable paper in Statistics within 24 hours.

He did this as follows: first of all he went to his filing
cabinet and found some unfinished work on probability
distributions which he’d given up because he couldn’t prove
anything. He then invented a ‘cover story’ involving sheep and
fruit trees, and wrote a Statistical paper on the subject,
including the results he couldn’t prove together with ‘heuristic’
arguments, i.e. hand-waving. He then sent it to a well-known
journal which shall remain nameless but for the sake of argument
we’ll call Biometrika.

Some time after he received an acceptance letter for his
content-free paper, with a comment from the editor that he hoped
the author would revise the paper to make it less theoretical. So
he had won his bet.

0

FROM: Barbara Bennett
SUBJECT: The Social Security Number

SSA has continually emphasized the fact that the SSN identifies a particular
record only and the Social Security Card indicates the person whose record
is identified by that number. In no way can the Social Security Card identify
the bearer. From 1946 to 1972 the legend “Not for Identification” was printed
on the face of the card. However, many people ignored the message and the
legend was eventually dropped. The social security number is the most widely
used and carefully controlled number in the country, which makes it an
attractive identifier.

With the exception of the restrictions imposed on Federal and some State
and local organizations by the Privacy Act of 1974, organizations requiring
a unique identifier for purposes of controlling their records are not
prohibited from using (with the consent of the holder) the SSN. SSA records
are confidential and knowledge of a person’s SSN does not give the user access
to information in SSA files which is confidential by law.

Many commercial enterprises have used the SSN in various promotional efforts.
These uses are not authorized by SSA, but SSA has no authority to prohibit
such activities as most are not illegal. Some of these unauthorized uses are:
SSN contests; skip-tracers; sale or distribution of plastic or metal cards;
pocketbook numbers (the numbers used on sample social security cards in
wallets); misleading advertising, commercial enterprises charging fees for
SSN services; identification of personal property.

The Social Security Number (SSN) is composed of 3 parts, XXX-XX-XXXX, called
the Area, Group, and Serial. For the most part, (there are exceptions), the
Area is determined by where the individual APPLIED for SSN (before 1972) or
RESIDED at time of application (after 1972). The areas are assigned follows:

000 unused 387-399 WI 528-529 UT
001-003 NH 400-407 KY 530 NV
004-007 ME 408-415 TN 531-539 WA
008-009 VT 416-424 AL 540-544 OR
010-034 MA 425-428 MS 545-573 CA
035-039 RI 429-432 AR 574 AK
040-049 CT 433-439 LA 575-576 HI
050-134 NY 440-448 OK 577-579 DC
135-158 NJ 449-467 TX 580 VI Virgin Islands
159-211 PA 468-477 MN 581-584 PR Puerto Rico
212-220 MD 478-485 IA 585 NM
221-222 DE 486-500 MO 586 PI Pacific Islands*
223-231 VA 501-502 ND 587-588 MS
232-236 WV 503-504 SD 589-595 FL
237-246 NC 505-508 NE 596-599 PR Puerto Rico
247-251 SC 509-515 KS 600-601 AZ
252-260 GA 516-517 MT 602-626 CA
261-267 FL 518-519 ID *Guam, American Samoa,
268-302 OH 520 WY Northern Mariana Islands,
303-317 IN 521-524 CO Philippine Islands
318-361 IL 525 NM
362-386 MI 526-527 AZ

627-699 unassigned, for future use

700-728 Railroad workers through 1963, then discontinued
729-899 unassigned, for future use
900-999 not valid SSNs, but were used for program purposes
when state aid to the aged, blind and disabled was
converted to a federal program administered by SSA.

As the Areas assigned to a locality are exhausted, new areas from the pool
are assigned. This is why some states have non-contiguous groups of Areas.

The Group portion of the SSN has no meaning other than to
determine whether or not a number has been assigned. SSA
publishes a list every month of the highest group assigned for
each SSN Area. The order of assignment for the Groups is: odd
numbers under 10, even numbers over 9, even numbers under 9
except for 00 which is never used, and odd numbers over 10. For
example, if the highest group assigned for area 999 is 72, then
we know that the number 999-04-1234 is an invalid number because
even Groups under 9 have not yet been assigned.

The Serial portion of the SSN has no meaning. The Serial is not
assigned in strictly numerical order. The Serial 0000 is never assigned.

Before 1973, Social Security Cards with pre-printed numbers were issued to
each local SSA office. The numbers were assigned by the local office. In 1973,
SSN assignment was automated and outstanding stocks of pre-printed cards were
destroyed. All SSNs are now assigned by computer from headquarters. There are
rare cases in which the computer system can be forced to accept a
manual assignment such as a person refusing a number with 666 in it!

A pamphlet entitled “The Social Security Number” (Pub. No.
05-10633) provides an explanation of the SSN’s structure and
the method of assigning and validating Social Security numbers.

0

Newsgroups: alt.quotations
From: noel@reg.triumf.ca (NOEL GIFFIN)
Subject: Malapropes, mixed metaphor, Spoonerisms, etc
Date: 1 Feb 1993 19:11 PST
Organization: TRIUMF: Tri-University Meson Facility
Message-ID:
Keywords: malapropes, mixed metaphor, spoonerism
Lines: 211

Well I have been collecting these screwed up expressions for a number of years
now and it has become an interesting list. They are all uttered by one of my
co-workers. He has achieved legend status within our group and it has become
a game to pick up on the next fractured phrase. They are all malapropes, mixed
metaphor, spoonerisms or some twist of this kind. I think he is an unconscious
genious. We catch ourselves uttering our own now and don’t know whether they
are a universal plague on the language or he has affected only his immediate
surroundings. There have been lot’s we’ve missed I’m sure, but here is a short
list of his best one’s. They are in no order except a loose chronological
one. I have placed translations beside them to lend some aid in understanding
when taken out of context.

I post them here for your enjoyment.

Noel@reg.triumf.ca

================================================================================
T. P. MOSKVEN’S “SEMITICS”
================================================================================
MOSKVENESE | ENGLISH
(What he said) | What he meant
——————————————————————————–
MOVIE MONGUL | MOVIE MOGUL
——————————————————————————–
THE SITCOM SATELLITE | SATCOM SATELLITE
——————————————————————————–
GETTING SEDIMENTARY | SEDENTARY
——————————————————————————–
OBNOXIOUS GAS | NOXIOUS GAS
——————————————————————————–
GROPER | GROUPER (fish)
——————————————————————————–
ART DECOR | ART DECO
——————————————————————————–
THE “CLOVERLEAF” IS THE | “SHAMROCK”/ “POTATOE”
VEGETABLE OF IRELAND | SYMBOL/ STAPLE
——————————————————————————–
SHEET METAL MUSIC | SHEET MUSIC /
| HEAVY METAL MUSIC
——————————————————————————–
JACOB’S SHIRT OF MANY COLOURS | JOSEPH’S COAT …
——————————————————————————–
MALAMUTT | MALAMUTE
——————————————————————————–
OLD GIZZARDS | BUZZARDS/GEEZERS
——————————————————————————–
THE MOVIE “REAR VIEW MIRROR” | HITCHCOCK’S “REAR WINDOW”
——————————————————————————–
A SESAME SEED PHONE | SESAME STREET PHONE
——————————————————————————–
3 OF 1, 2 OF THE OTHER | 6 OF 1, HALF A DOZEN…
——————————————————————————–
DEAD MAN’S SPACE | NO MAN’S LAND
——————————————————————————–
ARMCHAIR CASE | BASKET CASE
——————————————————————————–
OUT OF MIND, OUT OF SIGHT | OUT OF SIGHT, OUT OF MIND
——————————————————————————–
KLUTZOMANIAC | AN INEPT PERSON
——————————————————————————–
THE “PIAF” SEWING MACHINE | A “PFAFF” or a “SINGER”
——————————————————————————–
COMMUTING WITH NATURE | COMMUNING WITH NATURE
——————————————————————————–
POPULAR TREE | POPLAR TREE
——————————————————————————–
LAUGHING AT THE BANK | LAUGHING ALL THE WAY TO THE …
——————————————————————————–
THE BATTLE OF RUNAMOCK | THE BATTLE OF TIPPACANOE
——————————————————————————–
HE’S GOT IT DOWN PITTER PAT | GOT IT DOWN PAT
——————————————————————————–
HITCH-HIKING IN EUROPE IS RISQUE | RISKY
——————————————————————————–
THAT’S A HAIRBALL IDEA | HAIRBRAINED IDEA
——————————————————————————–
NORWEDISH | SWEDIEGIAN (Scandanavian)
——————————————————————————–
HE SMOKES LIKE A FISH | …LIKE A CHIMNEY / DRINKS LIKE …
——————————————————————————–
THAT JUST GOES WITHOUT REASON | GOES WITHOUT SAYING
——————————————————————————–
HE WOULDN’T GIVE YOU THE | …. THE TIME OF DAY
LIGHT OF DAY |
——————————————————————————–
MY JACKET FITS LIKE A MATCH | IT FITS LIKE A GLOVE
——————————————————————————–
YOU BUY WHAT YOU PAY FOR | YOU GET WHAT YOU PAY FOR
——————————————————————————–
YOU BUY WHAT YOU GET | ” ” ” ”
——————————————————————————–
WHATEVER GRINDS YOUR CRANK | WHATEVER TURNS YOUR CRANK
——————————————————————————–
COUNT PEOPLE WITH A TURNBUCKLE | A TURNSTYLE
——————————————————————————–
USING AN ANTIDEODERANT | AN ANTIPERSPIRANT
——————————————————————————–
ROUGHRIDERS IN THE SKY | THE SONG, “GHOST RIDERS …”
——————————————————————————–
GARNISH HIS WAGES | GARNISHEE HIS WAGES
——————————————————————————–
PUT THE FLOOR TO THE METAL / | PUT THE PEDAL TO THE METAL
PUT THE METAL TO THE PEDAL | ” ” ” ” ” ”
——————————————————————————–
I’LL FIX HIS SHORTS | FIX HIS WAGON
——————————————————————————–
THAT BEATS THE CAKE | THAT TAKES THE CAKE
——————————————————————————–
GOSSIPING BITTERSNIPE | GUTTERSNIPE
——————————————————————————–
APROXAMINUS ONE OR TWO | PLUS OR MINUS ONE OR TWO
——————————————————————————–
A BURJELEAUX | A BURGUNDY,BEAUJELAIS,BORDEAUX
——————————————————————————–
SOMEONE WITH A DARK VOICE | A DEEP VOICE
——————————————————————————–
DON’T KNOCK TILL YOU TRY IT | DON’T KNOCK IT TILL YOU TRY IT!
——————————————————————————–
A WHOLE RIFF-RAFF OF STUFF | A WHOLE RAFT OF THINGS
——————————————————————————–
A BRANDY SNIFFER | A BRANDY SNIFTER
——————————————————————————–
THE COLONEL BOOGIE MARCH | THE COLONEL BOGEY MARCH
——————————————————————————–
THAT’S A REAL PILE OF CROCK | THAT’S A CROCK OF ….
——————————————————————————–
HYDROGLYPHICS | HYRAGLYPHICS
——————————————————————————–
EATING WITH YOUR MOUTH FULL | SPEAKING WITH YOUR MOUTH FULL
——————————————————————————–
IT’S AN ACQUIRED SMELL | AN AQUIRED TASTE
——————————————————————————–
LIKE AN OFFSIDE CARTOON | LARSON’S FARSIDE CARTOONS
——————————————————————————–
DON’T RUFFLE THE BOAT | DON’T ROCK THE BOAT /
| RUFFLE HIS FEATHERS
——————————————————————————–
NO USE BEATING DEAD WOOD | NO USE BEATING A DEAD HORSE
——————————————————————————–
THROW IN THE HAT | THROW IN THE TOWEL /
| THROW YOUR HAT IN THE RING
——————————————————————————–
RIDING MISS DAISY | DRIVING MISS DAISY (x-rated?)
——————————————————————————–
CUTTING OUT THE DRIFTWOOD | CUTTING OUT THE DEADWOOD
——————————————————————————–
FEELING A LITTLE SPERKY THIS MORNING | FEELING PERKY, SPUNKY
——————————————————————————–
THE MOVIE “TWO LEFT FEET” | “MY LEFT FOOT”
——————————————————————————–
SHORT MAN ON A TOTEM POLE | LOW MAN ON A TOTEM POLE
——————————————————————————–
THE CLUB SCOUTS OF AMERICA | CUB SCOUTS/ BOYS CLUB…
——————————————————————————–
THE GOVERNMENT WILL QUAKE IN | … CAVE IN (LANDSLIDE?)
——————————————————————————–
KARRAMESH | MARRAKESH
——————————————————————————–
TRYING TO BLAME THE FINGER AT ME | POINT THE FINGER / PUT THE BLAME
——————————————————————————–
I’LL SEE IT WHEN I BELIEVE IT! | SEEING IS BELIEVING/
| I’LL BELIEVE IT WHEN I SEE IT
——————————————————————————–
THE MAN FROM WINDY RIVER | THE MAN FROM SNOWY RIVER
——————————————————————————–
SNORING LIKE A TROOPER | SWEARING LIKE A TROOPER
——————————————————————————–
STUFF IT UP YOUR OVERCOAT | BUTTON UP YOUR OVERCOAT
——————————————————————————–
THE ODDEST BALL PEOPLE | ODDBALL PEOPLE
——————————————————————————–
IT WAS RIVETED WITH HOLES | RIDDLED WITH HOLES
——————————————————————————–
WORST WEATHER ON RECORDED RECORD | WORST ON RECORD
——————————————————————————–
HE’S GOT HIS FINGER ON THE THUMB | HIS FINGER ON THE PULSE OF IT/
OF IT | UNDER HIS THUMB
——————————————————————————–
PLAYING “BEGIN THE BENIGN” | THE SONG “BEGIN THE BEGUINE”
——————————————————————————–
STUDYING THE WRITINGS OF PLUTO | THE WRITINGS OF PLATO
——————————————————————————–
YOUR BARKING UP A DEAD TREE | BARKING UP THE WRONG TREE
——————————————————————————–
PEOPLE WITHOUT LEFT HANDS DON’T | LEFT HANDED PEOPLE DON’T LIVE
LIVE AS LONG! | LIVE AS LONG
——————————————————————————–
YOU CAN LOOK AT A GLANCE THAT | TELL AT A GLANCE THINGS AREN’T
THINGS AREN’T RIGHT. |
——————————————————————————–
MY STEREO SPEAKERS HAVE A | A CROSS OVER NETWORK
PASSOVER NETWORK |
——————————————————————————–
SOLDIERS ARMED TO THE CORE | A ARMY CORPS ARMED TO THE TEETH
——————————————————————————–
GOING AT IT LIKE BEAVERS | GOING AT IT LIKE RABBITS
——————————————————————————–
PUT YOUR AXE TO THE GRINDSTONE | NOSE TO THE GRINDSTONE /
| HAVE AN AXE TO GRIND
——————————————————————————–
HE WAS HOT AS A TOAD | HOT AS A FIRECRACKER /
| COLD AS A FISH /
| COOL AS A CUCUMBER
——————————————————————————–
YOU CAN’T CHANGE AN OLD HORSE | YOU CAN’T TEACH AN OLD DOG …
——————————————————————————–
THE EXTENSION OF THE DINOSAURS | EXTINCTION OF THE DINOSAURS
——————————————————————————–
MONEY IS NO EXPENSE | MONEY IS NO OBJECT
——————————————————————————–

0

The Cat Family

Family Genus/Subgenus Species Common Name
ННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННННН
Felidae
і
ГДДДД Acinonyx ДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДД Jubatus ДДДДДДДДДДДД Cheetah
і
ГДДДД Felis
і і
і ГДД Otocolobus ДДДДДДДДДДД Manul ДДДДДДДДДДДДДД Pallas’ Cat
і і
і ГДД Profelis ДДДДДДДДДДДДД Aurata ДДДДДДДДДДДДД African Golden Cat
і і і
і і АДД Temmincki ДДДД Temminck’s Golden Cat
і і
і ГДД Prionailurus ДДДДДДДДД Viverrina ДДДДДДДДДД Fishing Cat
і і і і
і і і ГДД Bengalensis ДД Leopard Cat
і і і і
і і і АДД Rubiginosa ДДД RustyДSpotted Cat
і і і
і і ГДД Ictailurus ДДДДД Planiceps ДДДДДДДДДД FlatДHeaded Cat
і і і
і і ГДД Herpailurus ДДДД Yagouaroundi ДДДДДДД Jaguarundi
і і і
і і ГДД Oreailurus ДДДДД Jocobita ДДДДДДДДДДД Mountain Cat
і і і
і і ГДД Lynchailurus ДДД Colocolo ДДДДДДДДДДД Pampas Cat
і і і
і і ГДД Mayailurus ДДДДД Iriomotensis ДДДДДДД Iriomote Cat
і і і
і і АДД Leptailurus ДДДД Serval ДДДДДДДДДДДДД Serval
і і
і ГДД Pardofelis ДДДДДДДДДДД Marmorata ДДДДДДДДДД Marbled Cat
і і і
і і АДД Badia ДДДДДДДД Bay Cat
і і
і ГДД Oncifelis ДДДДДДДДДДДД Guigna ДДДДДДДДДДДДД Kodkod
і і
і ГДД Lynx ДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДД Lynx ДДДДДДДДДДДДДДД Northern Lynx
і і і і
і і і ГДД Pardina ДДДДДД Spanish Lynx
і і і і
і і і АДД Rufus ДДДДДДДД Bobcat
і і і
і і АДД Caracal ДДДДДДДД Caracal ДДДДДДДДДДДД Caracal
і і
і ГДД Leopardus ДДДДДДДДДДДД Pardalis ДДДДДДДДДДД Ocelot
і і і
і і ГДД Wiedii ДДДДДДД Margay
і і і
і і ГДД Tigrina ДДДДДД Tiger Cat
і і і

і і АДД Geoffroyi ДДДД Geoffroy’s Cat
і і
і ГДД Puma ДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДД Concolor ДДДДДДДДДДД Puma
і і
і АДД Felis ДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДД Sylvestris ДДДДДДДДД European Wildcat
і і
і ГДД Chaus ДДДДДДДД Jungle Cat
і і
і ГДД Negripes ДДДДД BlackДFooted Cat
і і
і ГДД Bieti ДДДДДДДД Chinese Desert Cat
і і
і ГДД Margarita ДДДД Sand Cat
і і
АДДДД Panthera АДД Lybica ДДДДДДД African Wildcat
і і
ГДД Panthera АДД Cattus Д Domestic Cat
і і
і ГДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДД Pardus ДДДДДДДДДДДДД Leopard
і і
і ГДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДД Tigris ДДДДДДДДДДДДД Tiger
і і
і ГДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДД Leo ДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДД Lion
і і
і АДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДД Onca ДДДДДДДДДДДДДДД Jaguar
і
ГДД Uncia ДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДД Uncia ДДДДДДДДДДДДДД Snow Leopard
і
АДД Neofelis ДДДДДДДДДДДДД Nebulosa ДДДДДДДДДДД Clouded Leopard

0

THE WILD CATS

R. Roger Breton
Nancy J Creek

——————————

The Family of Cats

Technically, domestic cats belong to the class mammalia (mammals), the
order carnivora (meat-eaters), the family felidae (cats), the genus
felis (lesser cats), and the species cattus (domestic cats): that’s
our cat, felis cattus.

There are three genera of the family felidae: panthera, the large or
greater cats; acinonyx, the cheetahs; and felis, the small or lesser
cats. A fourth genus, smilodon, the saber-toothed tigers, just missed
by only 12,000 years: almost no time at all, geologically speaking.
Since there is of necessity a lot of discussion about cat sizes using
the terms “large” and “small,” we shall use the terms “greater” and
“lesser” in reference to the genera.

The terms “greater cats” and “lesser cats” refer to size only in
general: the larger lesser cats are larger than the smaller greater
cats. The most obvious difference between the two genera is that
greater cats can roar and the lesser cats cannot. The ability to roar
is determined by the structure of the throat: most significantly, the
small bones (the hyoid bones) that support the larynx. In the greater
cats, these bones have been partially replaced by cartilage, allowing
extraordinary flexibility of the throat and enabling the cat to roar.
In the lesser cats, these bones are rigid and roaring is impossible.
Contrast the deep-throated, deafening roar of a lion to the snarling
cough of a puma.

The genera are divided into species. Generally speaking, two dissimi-
lar animals belonging to the same genus are considered as belonging to
different species if they do not interbreed and produce viable off-
spring: they either physically cannot interbreed, such as a puma and
a housecat (boggles the mind, not to mention the housecat!); would not
interbreed naturally, such as a jaguar and a leopard, which just don’t
have the right smells and signals to inspire mating; or their off-
spring would be sterile, such as a lion and a tiger, whose offspring
is a “liger” if the father is a lion or a “tigon” if he is a tiger,
but is always sterile. Conversely, if two such animals do interbreed
and produce viable offspring, they naturally and quickly become the
same species even if they weren’t to start with — interbreeding will
do that sort of thing — though they may maintain enough differences
to be classed as separate subspecies.

There are some notable exceptions to this rule, particularly where man
has interfered. The species Geoffroy’s cat, for example, can physi-
cally mate with the domestic cat and produce viable offspring, but
would not normally do so in the wild, as the smells and signals are
wrong and the mating instinct would not be triggered. Man has suc-

———————————————————————-
The Wild Cats Page 1

cessfully circumvented this, however, and produced viable offspring in
a attempt to produce cats with wild-cat patterns. Such hybrid off-
spring are usually treated as a subspecies of one species or the
other, based upon dominant characteristics: so far, only new subspe-
cies of Geoffroy’s cat have been produced, not new domestic cats.
This is not the case with other hybrids, most notably the Bengal is a
domestic cat-leopard cat hybrid.

Differing species come about through isolation. If some members of a
species become separated from the main body of their species by dis-
tance or natural obstruction, they will eventually evolve into a
different species, losing the ability to interbreed. All members of
the genus felis, subgenus felis, have a somewhat complex relationship
to each other. The parent species in this group is felis sylvestris,
the European wildcat, who first evolved some 600,000 years or so ago
in central Europe (where he can still be found). During the Second
Ice Age, he extended his domain into Africa and Asia. As the ice
receded the seas rose and the climates changed, the immigrant species
became isolated from each other by water, deserts, and mountains.
Over time, the isolated subspecies evolved into the Sand Cat, the
African Wildcat, the Forest Cat, the Black-Footed Cat, and the Chinese
Desert Cat: other species also evolved, but failed to survive.

Species are themselves further divided into subspecies (if wild) or
breeds (if domesticated): the two classifications are analogous to
each other. We should remember that panthera leo azandica (the Congo
Lion) has exactly the same relationship to panthera leo that Siamese
Cat has to felis cattus. Don’t be fooled by the Latin: if a zoolo-
gist set up a “zoo” of domestic cats, he’d find a Latin or Greek word
for “Siamese,” tack it on the end of “felis cattus,” and call it a
subspecies. It would still be a breed.

All felids, regardless of genus or species, have certain basic things
in common. In appearance, they all look like cats. While this may be
arguable in the case of the Jaguarundi and, to a lesser degree, the
Flat-Headed Cat, it is definitely not true of some other families:
all members of the canid (dog) family, for example, do not look like
dogs (not even all dogs look like dogs!).

Besides a similarity of appearance, all cats have retractable claws:
even the cheetah, the most primitive of all modern cats, has partial-
ly-retractable claws.

The most cat-unique common characteristic, however, is purring: all
cats, and nothing but cats, purr. For some time it was believed that
the greater cats didn’t purr: some texts still say this even today.
This is patently not true, all cats purr: lions purr, tigers purr,
cheetahs purr, leopards purr, jaguars purr, pumas purr, bobcats purr,
domestic cats purr; all cats purr, without exception. This alone
proves common ancestry: probably pseudailurus, 28 million years ago,
or dinictis, 40 million years ago, depending upon whether saber-
toothed tigers purred, something our own Neanderthal and Cro-Magnon
ancestors failed to note. There are also a whole slew of internal
similarities, as would be expected.

———————————————————————-
The Wild Cats Page 2

Besides the biological similarities among cats, which one would ex-
pect, there is one other distinguishing characteristics. Wherever it
has adapted, in whatever ecological niche in whatever part of the
world, the cat reigns supreme among carnivores in its size class. It
is the penultimate hunter, with a finely-honed stalking and killing
ability that other carnivores can only dream about. The typical
member of family felidae scores in 30 percent of its hunts: no other
carnivore, including man, comes close. It is also a merciful hunter,
killing quickly and cleanly by severing the spinal column of its prey
and minimizing the pain and suffering.

Some zoologists break the three genera down further into subgenera
based upon subtle or newly-discovered differences. As an example, the
subgenus leopardus, the South American lesser cats, have 36 chromo-
somes instead of the usual 38, (probably through a fusion of two
chromosomal pairs). This is a major distinction, even though it is
invisible to the eye and depended upon modern technology for its
discovery, and is usually considered a legitimate subgenus. The
subgenus lynx, on the other hand, is based upon the lynx and its
relatives having short tails and tufted ears, a more obvious but also
more trifling distinction. The subgenus of a wild species is given in
brackets in the species list, and would replace the genus in nomencla-
ture: “felis [puma] concolor” may be “puma concolor” instead of
“felis concolor,” but never “felis puma concolor.” The relationships
between subgenera can be clearly seen in the family chart.

All species of cats have differing subspecies (breeds), not just the
domestic cat. There are, for example, nine subspecies of lions:

Panthera leo azandica: Congo Lion
Panthera leo bleyenberghi: Bleyenbergh’s Lion
Panthera leo hollisteri: Hollister’s Lion
Panthera leo massaicus: Massai Lion
Panthera leo persica: Persian Lion
Panthera leo roosevelti: Roosevelt’s Lion
Panthera leo senegalensis: Senegal Lion
Panthera leo somaliensis: Somalian Lion
Panthera leo verneyi: Verney’s Lion

The difference in lion subspecies reflects variations in size, color,
territory, etc., with the names coming from the discoverer, classifier
or territory. The number of recognized subspecies of a wild cat
species will be given, but individual subspecies will not be named.

One small footnote: don’t let the “scientific” name of the various
cats fool you. Zoologists are as silly as the rest of us when it
comes to naming things, but they hide their silliness behind a Latin
or Greek facade. As an example, the scientific name for the common
stripped skunk, mephitis mephitis, translates to “smelliest of the
smelly.”

In our own case, the Latin word “felis,” generic for “cat,” is derived
from the older Latin word “felix,” meaning “happy,” probably because

———————————————————————-
The Wild Cats Page 3

cats are not shy about letting the world know when they are happy,
which is most of the time: they purr (purring also makes the cat
owner feel happy). This means that “felis cattus” could be translated
as “happy cat” or “purring cat,” and the family “felidae” means “one
of those who are happy.” Deep stuff here!

In order to be fair, and to give the zoologists their due, the Romans
did call just any old cat “cattus,” and one of their cats “felix
cattus.” (No, “felix cattus” does not mean “Felix the Cat,” though
we can see where Otto Messmer may have gotten the name.)

The Species of Cat

All in all, there are 38 recognized species of cats: six greater
cats, panthera; one cheetah, acinonyx; and 31 lesser cats, felis,
including the domestic cat. All of them except the domestic cat (and
even some of those) have one thing in common: they are wild carni-
vores and will often bite and scratch when encountered (bigger ones
may also eat!). Count your fingers after petting!

A description of each of the 38 species is given. Considerable
thought went into the order in which the species should be listed.
Most lists give the greater cats, then the cheetah, then the lesser
cats, with the order within each genus being either the alphabetical
order of their English or Latin names or the territory in which they
were first discovered. None of this seemed to make sense here, so we
decided to list them by weight and size, largest to smallest. Alter-
nate English names are given after the primary name, and subgenera are
given in brackets. The weights and lengths shown are for average male
specimens of the various subspecies of each species: females tend to
be slightly smaller. Please remember that new subspecies, or even new
species (see the Iriomote cat), may be discovered at any time.

When taking the domestic cat as a species we intentionally chose to
use the typical feral cat a a model — one that has returned to the
wild state. Because of random interbreeding among feral domestic
breeds, the dominance of certain genes, and the non-survival charac-
teristic of certain traits, there has come to be estabished a definite
and distinctive species: the medium sized brown or red mackeral tabby
shorthair.

When discussing the subspecies (breeds) of the domestic cat taken as a
species, it is important to remember that several new breeds are
created each year, several breeds are discontinued each year, and
there is no agreement among “experts” as to what defines a new breed,
making the exact number of breeds impossible to compute. As an exam-
ple of this disagreement, a blue (grey) British Shorthair is usually
classed as a separate breed, the British Blue, but a black British
Shorthair is not. Overall, there is a definite upward trend in the
number of cat flavors.

———————————————————————-
The Wild Cats Page 4

Tiger

Name: Tiger
Species: Panthera Tigris
Weight: 200-500 pounds
Head/Body: 60-72 inches
Tail: 24-36 inches
Subspecies: 7

The largest cat and one of the most powerful land carnivores in the
world (exceeded in strength but not speed by the Kodiak bear), the
tiger is a massively built cat of awesome size and power, with some
exceptional individuals reaching 800 pounds. Its distinctive coat is
white to orange-brown with black, brown, or grey stripes. Its small
round ears have black backs with a central white spot. The males of
some subspecies sport side whiskers.

The tiger may be found in all types of terrain of southern and south-
eastern Asia and of eastern Asia northward to Mongolia and Siberia,
where it hunts by night, from the ground, and seeks game of all types.
It is an excellent swimmer.

The tiger is the only truly striped cat, with a completely non-agouti
coat. All other striped cats are tabbies.

Lion

Name: Lion
Species: Panthera Leo
Weight: 300-500 pounds
Head/Body: 96-108 inches
Tail: 24-36 inches
Subspecies: 9

The lion is very large cat with a balanced and well-proportioned body
and a large head. Its coat varies from tawny to brownish-yellow with
a black-tipped tail and black patches on its ears. The males have a
heavy body-color, brown, or black mane.

The lion may be found in all parts of Africa south of the Sahara and
in the Gir Forest of India and, until recently, in all parts of the
Near East and on the Balkan and Iberian Peninsulas of Europe, where it
hunts by night or day, from the ground, and seeks game of all types.
The females do most of the hunting. It has been known to scavenge.

The lion is unique in that it is the only wild cat that lives in a
group, called a pride, consisting of one mature male and any number of
females, cubs, and immature males.

———————————————————————-
The Wild Cats Page 5

Jaguar

Name: Jaguar
Species: Panthera Onca
Weight: 90-300 pounds
Head/Body: 72 inches
Tail: 22 inches
Subspecies: 8

The jaguar, often incorrectly called a panther (a panther is a leop-
ard), is a massive and powerfully built cat, with a deep-chested body
and a large head. Its coat is yellowish-brown with dark brown spots
in center-spotted rosettes. Some individuals are very dark brown,
almost black, effectively masking their spots.

The jaguar may be found near water in savannahs and forests in all
parts of North and South America south of the United States. The last
native jaguar in the U.S. died in the early 1960’s. It hunts by
twilight, from the ground, and seeks peccary, capybara, coypu, otter
and fish. It is an excellent swimmer.

Puma

Name: Puma, Mountain Lion, Cougar
Species: Felis [Puma] Concolor
Weight: 100-200 pounds
Head/Body: 48-60 inches
Tail: 28 inches
Subspecies: 29

The largest of the lesser cats, the puma, often incorrectly called a
panther (a panther is a leopard), is a large and powerful cat with a
graceful and narrow body and exceptionally strong legs. It is the
champion jumper among cats, able to execute a 30 ft. standing broad
jump or an 18 ft. jump straight up the face of a cliff. Its head is
small, with small rounded ears. Its has a distinctive call midway
between a cough and a snarl. Despite its size, it is a lesser cat and
cannot roar. Its coat is a uniform tawny color with lighter under-
parts and white on the chin and throat. It sports a white moustache.

The puma was until recently found in all parts of North and South
America except the arctic, but is rapidly vanishing from large por-
tions of the U.S. and Canada. It is strongly territorial, claiming an
exceptionally wide range, and is solitary even by cat standards,
avoiding its own kind except to mate. It hunts by day, primarily from
the ground but occasionally from high rocks, low cliffs, or trees, and
seeks deer, sheep, goats, peccary, capybara and other similarly-sized
game. It will occasionally stalk livestock when other prey is scarce.
It avoids humans and their settlements and farms when establishing its
territory, but is not shy about contact when a human moves into an
already established territory. It is intensely curious about every-
thing in its range, and has been known to enter houses on occasion,
even while occupied. In one recorded incident in Arizona, a puma

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entered a house and stole the roast from the dinner table while the
couple was sitting there. They (probably wisely) opted not to move
nor to challenge its right to do so.

Old wives tales and Hollywood notwithstanding, there has never been a
substantiated case of a puma attacking a human, even a child, unless
cornered, injured, ill, or protecting its cubs. Hunters’ and ranch-
ers’ dogs are a different story, and do not fare well upon encounter.
Unfortunately, the hunters and ranchers usually take the dogs’ side.

An exceptionally gentle cat for one so large, the puma is easily
tamed, especially when taken as a cub, and does well in captivity.

Snow Leopard

Name: Snow Leopard, Ounce
Species: Panthera [Uncia] Uncia
Weight: 150 pounds
Head/Body: 41 inches
Tail: 35 inches
Subspecies: 1

A rare cat, the snow leopard is a large, graceful cat with a long,
lithe build. Its coat is smoke grey with dark grey spots in broken
rosettes.

The snow leopard may be found above the tree line in the high moun-
tains of central Asia, where it hunts by day, from the ground, and
seeks grazing animals and large birds.

Little is known about this cat, partly because of its rarity and
partly because of its habitat: only a brave, mountain-climbing zoolo-
gist can study it in the wild. Some zoologists classify the snow
leopard as a lesser cat, sticking with the genus uncia, as its hyoid
bones are intermediate between the two extremes: it can roar softly
(though louder than the clouded leopard). Most zoologists, however,
place it in the genus panthera, and classify it as a greater cat.

Leopard

Name: Leopard, Panther
Species: Panthera Pardus
Weight: 90-150 pounds
Head/Body: 48 inches
Tail: 24 inches
Subspecies: 15

The leopard or panther is a large, graceful cat with a long, lithe
build. Its coat is pale brown to yellowish-brown with dark brown
spots in rosettes. Some individuals are very dark brown, almost
black, effectively masking their spots and producing the famous black
panther.

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The leopard may be found in all parts of Africa south of the Sahara,
Asia east of the Indus and south of Mongolia, and Indonesia, where it
hunts by night, by twilight, and by day in late afternoon and early
morning, from the ground or from trees, often dropping silently on its
prey, and seeks large or small game of almost any type.

A solid-colored leaopard or “black panther” is often of a more agres-
sive nature than those with a spotted coat. This is because normal
spotted mothers tend to dislike solid-color cubs, often driving them
away prematurely. This ostracism produces mean-tempered, intolerant
individuals, just as it does with humans. No satisfactory explanation
has ever been given for this phenomenon.

Cheetah

Name: Cheetah
Species: Acinonyx Jubatus
Weight: 65-110 pounds
Head/Body: 48-60 inches
Tail: 20-30 inches
Subspecies: 6

The most primitive of all cats, evolving some 18 million years ago,
the cheetah is a tall, slim, long-legged cat, built along the lines of
the greyhound. Its claws are only semi-retractable, and it has a
distinctly dog-like muzzle. Its coat is yellowish-brown with dark
brown spots and a long white-tipped tail.

The cheetah may be found in open grassland and nearby forests in all
parts of Africa, the Middle East, and south-central Asia, where it
hunts by day, from the ground, and seeks antelope and other grazing
animals.

The cheetah is unique in several ways, and is the only member of genus
Acinonyx. It is easily tamed and trained to the hunt and is the
fastest four-footed animal on Earth, often achieving speeds in excess
of 80 mph for short distances.

There are some few zoologists who classify the cheetah as a lesser
cat, on the basis that it is definitely not a greater cat (can’t roar)
and must therefore be a lesser cat. These zoologists belong to the
“you can’t have a genus of one” school of biology. In our opinion,
this is total nonsense. The world abounds with single-species genera
— the tuatara, a New Zealand reptile unlike any other reptile that
isn’t already extinct and roughly related to other reptiles the way
the platypus is related to other mammals, comes to mind. Some of
these zoologists do write books, however, and do get their ideas in
print, which is why we mention them at all.

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Clouded Leopard

Name: Clouded Leopard, Mint Leopard
Species: Panthera [Neofelis] Nebulosa
Weight: 40-66 pounds
Head/Body: 36-42 inches
Tail: 30-36 inches
Subspecies: 4

The clouded leopard is a slim, well proportioned, medium-sized cat.
Its coat varies from pale brown to rich brown with large irregular
blotches, said by the Chinese to resemble the shape of mint leaves
(hence the name mint leopard in China). Its head is banded, with
small, round, black ears with a central grey spot. Its underparts are
pale or white, and its tail is ringed in black.

The clouded leopard may be found in the dense forest and scrub of
southern and southeastern Asia, where it hunts by night or day, from
trees, dropping silently down onto its prey, and seeks medium-sized
game of all types. Completely at home in the trees, this cat is one
of the best climbers — the margay is arguably better, but is nowhere
near the same size — and can run up and down a tree like a huge
squirrel.

Some zoologists classify the clouded leopard as a lesser cat, sticking
with the genus neofelis, as its hyoid bones are intermediate between
the two extremes: it can only roar softly. Most zoologists, however,
place it in the genus panthera, and classify it as a greater cat.

Northern Lynx

Name: Northern Lynx, Lynx
Species: Felis [Lynx] Lynx
Weight: 30-65 pounds
Head/Body: 40 inches
Tail: 7 inches
Subspecies: 9

The northern lynx is a large cat with a powerful body, short, sturdy
legs, and a very short tail. It has a large head with side whiskers
and large tufted ears. Its coat is yellowish-brown fading to white on
its undersides, and may be spotted with dark brown: the presence of
spots and the spotting pattern varies considerably between subspecies.

The northern lynx may be found in the pine forests and thick scrub
south of the arctic in North America, Europe and Asia, where it hunts
by night, from the ground, and seeks rodents, birds, fish, small deer,
goats, and sheep.

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Spanish Lynx

Name: Spanish Lynx
Species: Felis [Lynx] Pardina
Weight: 54 pounds
Head/Body: 38 inches
Tail: 57 inches
Subspecies: 1

Very similar to but slightly smaller than the northern lynx, the
Spanish lynx is also a large cat with a powerful body, short, sturdy
legs, and a very short tail. It too has a large head with side whisk-
ers and large tufted ears. It has exceptionally keen eyesight, the
best of all the cats. Its coat is yellowish-brown fading to white on
its undersides, and is strikingly spotted with black.

The Spanish lynx may be found in the pine forests of the Iberian
peninsula, where it hunts by night, from the ground, and seeks ro-
dents, birds, fish, termites, and small deer, goats, and sheep.

Caracal

Name: Caracal, Caracal Lynx
Species: Felis [Caracal] Caracal
Weight: 35-50 pounds
Head/Body: 29 inches
Tail: 9 inches
Subspecies: 9

The largest African lesser cat and an exceptional climber and jumper,
the caracal is a slenderly built cat with long legs and a short,
sharply tapered tail. Its coat is reddish-brown with distinctive
tufted ears and white markings around its eyes and on its throat,
chin, and belly.

The caracal may be found in the deserts, scrub, savannahs, mountains
and rocky areas of Africa, Arabia, and southern Asia as far east as
India, where it hunts by night, from the ground, and seeks small
animals, birds of all sizes, and the young of the larger grazing
animals.

Serval

Name: Serval
Species: Felis [Leptailurus] Serval
Weight: 30-40 pounds
Head/Body: 32 inches
Tail: 16 inches
Subspecies: 14

The serval is a lightly built cat, with long legs, large ears, and
short tail. Its coat is light brown with dark spots, black-tipped

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tail, and black ears with distinctive white spots.

The serval may be found near water and in the reedbeds and marshes of
Algeria and Africa south of the Sahara, where it hunts by night, from
the ground, and seeks rodents, reptiles, birds, and small deer.

African Golden Cat

Name: African Golden Cat
Species: Felis [Profelis] Aurata
Weight: 30-40 pounds
Head/Body: 29 inches
Tail: 12 inches
Subspecies: 2

The African golden cat has a sturdy build, with long legs, large paws,
small head and short tail. Its coat has a wide range of colors, from
chestnut brown to silver grey, with white on its cheeks, chin, chest
belly and insides of its legs.

The African golden cat may be found in the dense forests and scrub of
central and west Africa, where it hunts by night and twilight, from
the ground, and seeks rodents, birds, and small deer.

Bobcat

Name: Bobcat, Bay Lynx, Wildcat
Species: Felis [Lynx] Rufus
Weight: 15-35 pounds
Head/Body: 30 inches
Tail: 6 inches
Subspecies: 11

The bobcat is proportioned like a small lynx, with a powerful body,
short, sturdy legs, and a very short tail. Its fairly large head has
large, sharply-pointed ears, tufted in some subspecies. Its buff coat
fades to white on its undersides and is barred and spotted on its
flanks, belly and legs with dark brown or black. The backs of its
ears are black.

The bobcat may be found in most terrain, short of actual desert, of
western North America from British Columbia to central Mexico. It is
very territorial, where it hunts by night, from the ground or trees,
and seeks rabbits, gophers, and other small animals.

Prior to the settlement of its territory by Europeans, the bobcat
ranged over a much wider area of the U.S. and Canada. This is the
wildcat that a mountain man was supposed to be able to whup his weight
in.

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Jungle Cat

Name: Jungle Cat
Species: Felis Chaus
Weight: 16-30 pounds
Head/Body: 24-30 inches
Tail: 9-12 inches
Subspecies: 9

Possibly one of the ancestors of the domestic cat, the jungle cat is a
well proportioned cat with a sturdy build and definite cat-like move-
ments and actions. It is definitely a mutated felis sylvestris. Its
coat is sandy grey to tawny red with pale stripped-tabby body markings
(more pronounced in kittens) with darker, almost black tabby-type
facial markings, dorsal stripe, and tail tip.

The jungle cat may be found in the jungles, woodlands, scrub, reedbeds
and marshes of Egypt and southern Asia. Often found living in and
around human settlements and farms. It hunts by night or day, from
the ground, and seeks rodents, reptiles, birds, and other small ani-
mals.

Ocelot

Name: Ocelot
Species: Felis [Leopardus] Pardalis
Weight: 12-30 pounds
Head/Body: 35 inches
Tail: 16 inches
Subspecies: 11

The ocelot is a medium-sized cat with a graceful body, long, powerful
legs, and a short tail. Its coat is a soft creamy yellow with strik-
ing center-spotted rosettes of black with a soft brown color inside
the rosette. The rosettes often link up to form chains. Its head is
boldly marked with black spots and bars. Its tail is heavily ringed
with a black tip.

The ocelot may be found in any type of cover from thorny chapparal to
jungle, but never in the open, of North and South America south of the
United States, where it hunts by night, from the ground, but spends
the day secure in high trees, and seeks birds, deer, peccary, coati
mundi, agouti and other small mammals.

This cat has a severe handicap in being one of the most beautiful of
all cats. As a result it has been hunted to near-extinction for its
pelt, in spite of being a protected species in most countries. It is
believed that not all subspecies currently remain.

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European Wildcat

Name: European Wildcat
Species: Felis Silvestris
Weight: 10-30 pounds
Head/Body: 22-28 inches
Tail: 12 inches
Subspecies: 7

An older species, evolving about 650,000 years ago, the European
wildcat is in the direct ancestral line of the domestic cat (our cats)
and is the parent species for several related small cats, most notably
felis lybica, which it strongly resembles. It is about one-third
larger than a feral domestic cat and resembles it in both build and
coat. It is often mistaken for a large tabby with disastrous results,
as it is not at all friendly (somewhat vicious, in fact). Its coat is
long and thick, to protect it from harsh European winters, and is
colored and marked identically to your basic brown stripped-tabby
alleycat.

The European wildcat may be found in all parts of Europe and Asia west
of the Urals and the Caspian except the arctic. It is not afraid of
humans and will live on the outskirts of cities scavenging in garbage
bins (much as do raccoons and coyotes in the U.S.). It is very pro-
lific and a long way from being endangered, even though its territory
is diminishing as more and more of Europe is converted to city and
suburbs. It hunts by twilight, from the ground, and seeks rats,
squirrels, birds, small deer, domestic cats, small dogs, and poultry.
It is usually considered vermin by farmers and villagers.

Fishing Cat

Name: Fishing Cat
Species: Felis [Prionailurus] Viverrina
Weight: 25 pounds
Head/Body: 32 inches
Tail: 12 inches
Subspecies: 1

The fishing cat has a long, sinuous body, almost civit-like in appear-
ance, with relatively short legs and a somewhat flattened tail. It
forepaws have unusually long phalanges (toes) and claws. Its claws
extend considerably from their sheaths even when fully retracted. All
four feet are webbed. Its coat is light brown with dark brown irregu-
lar spots, fading to white underneath. The backs of its ears are
black with a central white spot.

The fishing cat may be found in the marshes and swamps of southern and
southeastern Asia. It avoids human settlements, where it hunts by
day, in the water and from the ground, and seeks fish, crayfish,
mollusks, rodents, reptiles and other small animals. It is the best
swimmer of all cats, catching fish by pursuit and using its long claws
as fishhooks.

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Temminck’s Golden Cat

Name: Temminck’s Golden Cat, Asiatic Golden Cat
Species: Felis [Profelis] Temmincki
Weight: 14-25 pounds
Head/Body: 31-35 inches
Tail: 19-20 inches
Subspecies: 3

Temminck’s golden cat is a medium-sized, well-proportioned cat with
short round ears, about twice the size of a cat. It has a strikingly
beautiful appearance, with a deep-golden coat fading to white on its
undersides. In some subspecies, there is an absence of spotting,
while in others faint brown spotting is evidenced. An occasional
individual will be very dark brown, almost black. There is a distinc-
tive grey patch behind each ear, while a white line bordered in black
runs from each eye to the top of its head.

Temminck’s golden cat may be found in the forests and rocky areas of
Asia from the Himalayas to the Maylay Peninsula, where it hunts by
day, from the ground, and seeks game of all types up to the size of
small deer.

Flat-Headed Cat

Name: Flat-Headed Cat
Species: Felis [Ictailurus] Planiceps
Weight: 12-18 pounds
Head/Body: 22 inches
Tail: 7 inches
Subspecies: 1

A very unusual cat, the flat-headed cat is omniverous, being equally
content with prey or vegetation. It is about the size of the domestic
cat, but with a very long body, short legs and tail, and a broad, flat
head with a ridge formed by the nasal bones and small round ears. Its
coat is reddish-brown to dark brown, with a yellowish-brown face and
white underparts. The underside of its tail is yellowish-brown.

The flat-headed cat may be found in the forests and scrub of south-
eastern Asia, often near human habitation and farms, where it hunts by
night, from the ground, and seeks rodents, frogs, other small animals,
fruit, sweet potatoes, and other legumes. It often raids garbage cans
and gardens, and fills the ecological niche that in other parts of the
world is filled by raccoons, weasels, and stoats.

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African Wildcat

Name: African Wildcat
Species: Felis Lybica
Weight: 10-18 pounds
Head/Body: 24 inches
Tail: 12 inches
Subspecies: 11

The primary ancestor of the domestic cat (and our cats), whom it
resembles, the average African wildcat has a more sturdy build and is
slightly larger than the average domestic cat — though not as large
as some of the bred-for-size subspecies. Its coat is light brown to
light yellowish-brown with stripped-tabby markings. Cats with darker
tabby markings, similar to tabby cats, are found in forested areas,
while cats with paler markings are found in grasslands.

The African wildcat may be found throughout Africa and the Middle
East, Asia as far east as India, and the islands of Corsica, Sardinia,
and Majorca. It is often found around human settlements and farms.
It hunts by night, usually on the ground but sometimes from trees and
bushes, and seeks rodents, reptiles, birds and insects.

The African wildcat is very easily tamed, especially when taken as a
kitten, and many farmers in its range have African wildcats in lieu
of domestic cats.

Margay

Name: Margay, Marguey, Tree Ocelot
Species: Felis [Leopardus] Wiedii
Weight: 9-18 pounds
Head/Body: 26 inches
Tail: 16 inches
Subspecies: 11

The margay has a slim, graceful body with long legs and a long tail.
Its coat is a light yellowish-brown with striking dark brown irregular
spots, which may form rosettes. Its tail is ringed.

The margay may be found in the forests of the Yucatan and Central and
South America, and one subspecies near the Texas-Mexico border, where
it hunts by day, from trees, and seeks small mammals, birds, tree
frogs, and lizards.

The margay is without question the best climber of all cats. It runs
up and down the trees like a squirrel, virtually living in them from
birth to death — which is almost never by falling. So well adapted
is the margay to arboreal life that its feet are extraordinarily
flexible, with the hind feet capable of turning completely around.
Its claws are also exceptionally strong and sharp. It is not unusual
for a margay to be discovered hanging head downward from one hind foot
while it catches a quick nap seventy feet in the air.

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Jaguarundi

Name: Jaguarundi, Jaguarondi, Weasel Cat
Species: Felis [Herpailurus] Yagouaroundi
Weight: 16 pounds
Head/Body: 26 inches
Tail: 18 inches
Subspecies: 8

Often mistaken for an otter because of its peculiar shape and appear-
ance, the jaguarundi has a long sinuous body, very short legs, a
flattened tail, and a long flattened head with a short nose and very
small low-set round ears. Similar to the flat-headed cat but even
more extreme in appearance. Its coat comes in two color phases,
brownish-grey to black and bright reddish-brown, which readily inter-
breed, producing young of both phases in their litter. Both phases
shade to white on their undersides.

The jaguarundi may be found in lowland forests, scrub and chapparal of
South America and North America south of the southwestern United
States, where it hunts by night and by day in the afternoon, from the
ground, and seeks mainly birds and the occasional rodent. It fills
the same ecological niche as the raccoon, weasel, otter, or
stoat, and occasionally has territorial clashes with them.

Feral Domestic Cat

Name: Feral Domestic Cat
Species: Felis Cattus — formerly Felis Domestica
Weight: 8-15 pounds
Head/Body: 12-24 inches
Tail: 5-10 inches
Subspecies: Legion.

Due to the fact that this is a truly domesticated animal, subject to
human breeding programs, normal criteria do not apply. Many of the
“breeds” (subspecies) are merely color variations of the same basic
breeds. Programs are also under way to introduce new and exotic
colors and body types, as well as to produce smaller and larger varie-
ties of existing breeds. When deprived of human companionship, the
domestic cat will revert to the wild state: such a cat is said to be
feral. When this occurs, it will, within the course of a few genera-
tions, lose most of its man-introduced and artificially-maintained
recessive characteristics, and stabilize as a small, muscular cat of a
definite type and coloration. This body type and coloration can be
seen in the common alleycat, which is merely a feral or semiferal cat
still residing around people.

Among those features that quickly vanish are the Persian skull struc-
ture, the Siamese body type, long hair, and other recessive character-
istics. The Persian flat-faced (Pekingese) skull inhibits the sense
of smell and decreases visual acuity. Cats of this type left on their
own seldom live long enough to breed. The long, lean Siamese body

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The Wild Cats Page 16

type, while graceful, simply cannot withstand a good cat-fight with a
15 pound alleycat, and will fail during territorial and courtship
battles.

Several coat characteristics desired by man, such as Siamese colora-
tion or long, silky hair, are recessive and will quickly disappear
unless constantly maintained by careful breeding. Feral cats do
partake in a selective breeding program, but their only criteria is
survival.

The ordinary mackerel-stripped tabby in black-brown or orange are the
dominant coat patterns and colors, though there will always be some
individuals with solid black or dark-brown coats. All other patterns
and colors are recessive and will vanish.

Non-albino white is a dominant color, but is poor camouflage for a
hunter (except, perhaps, in the snow): white cats are often deaf,
which is definitely not a survival characteristic.

The feral domestic cat will continue to be found around man. The
reasons for this are not as obvious as one would think. While a good
hunter and fighter, a feral cat is simply not in a class with its wild
cousins. When it leaves the haunts of mankind it is bound to meet up
with a bobcat, a European wildcat, or some other kin, and the reunion
is usually very hard on the feral cat. By becoming domesticated and
accepting cathood, felis cattus has given up his independence forever.

There is an exception to this. Where man has already driven away
competing wild cats, the feral cat quickly rises to the top of the
ecological heap for his size class.

The feral cat will hunt by day or night, from the ground, and will
seek mice, rats, squirrels, birds, lizards, and other small animals.
In times of famine it will become cannibalistic.

Unlike other wild cats, with the exception of the lion, the feral cat
will often be found in groups, called clowders. The feral clowder
bonds together for mutual comfort and affection, but will seldom hunt
together or band in mutual defense against a common enemy. It is as
though his connection with man has introduced the domestic cat, feral
or otherwise, to the benefits of love and companionship, but has not
yet overcome the solitary hunting and fighting instincts.

A word of caution: don’t be fooled by appearance into thinking of a
feral domestic cat as someone’s pet. Even though it may look exactly
like Old-Tom-Sleeping-by-the-Fire, it is a truly wild animal and may
very quickly and very efficiently shred an extended hand or arm.

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Mountain Cat

Name: Mountain Cat, Andean Highland Cat
Species: Felis [Oreailurus] Jocobita
Weight: 8-15 pounds
Head/Body: 23 inches
Tail: 14 inches
Subspecies: 1

The mountain cat is similar to a cat in size and build. Its coat is
of a very fine silky texture, about two inches in length, and of a
pale silver or reddish-grey color fading to white on the undersides.
It has faint brown or ochre tabby-like markings on its body and flanks
which may darken to almost black on its undersides and legs. Its tail
is ringed with dark brown or black, with the tip always the body
color. Its ears are grey.

The mountain cat may be found in arid regions of the high Andes,
sometimes above the snow line, of Peru and northern Chile and Argenti-
na, where it hunts by day, from the ground, and seeks chinchilla,
viscacha, and other small mammals.

Leopard cat

Name: Leopard Cat, Bengal Cat
Species: Felis [Prionailurus] Bengalensis
Weight: 7-15 pounds
Head/Body: 25-32 inches
Tail: 10-14 inches
Subspecies: 7

The leopard cat is cat sized and shaped, with a well-balanced carriage
and build. Its coat varies in ground color from grey to red with
white or very light underparts. It is randomly patterned with dark
brown or black spots over its entire body. Its head has strong black
and white striped markings.

The leopard cat may be found all over southern and central Asia from
India to the Philippines, Mongolia, Manchuria, Siberia and Japan,
where it hunts by night or day, from trees, and seeks game birds,
fish, squirrels, hares, and other small animals.

One interesting fact about the leopard cat is that is the only wild
cat to be successfully used in a domestic-wild hybrid breeding program
in recent years, giving rise to the beautiful and mild-mannered Bengal
breed.

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Pampas Cat

Name: Pampas Cat, Grass Cat
Species: Felis [Lynchailurus] Colocolo
Weight: 8-14 pounds
Head/Body: 24 inches
Tail: 12 inches
Subspecies: 7

The pampas cat is a small cat, about the size of a cat, with a broad
face and large pointed ears. Its coat varies from a silvery grey,
through all tones of yellow and yellowish-brown, to a light brown,
with the flanks, legs, and tail banded with a darker variation of the
body color.

The pampas cat may be found in the open grasslands and high pampas of
southern South America east of the Andes, where it hunts by night,
from the ground, and seeks birds, cavies and other small animals.

Chinese Desert Cat

Name: Chinese Desert Cat
Species: Felis Bieti
Weight: 12 pounds
Head/Body: 30 inches
Tail: 12 inches
Subspecies: 3

A very rare cat, the Chinese desert cat is a well-proportioned cat-
sized cat. Like the sand cat, the soles of its feet are covered with
thick mats of fur to protect it from the hot sands. Its coat is sandy
brown with distinctive darker brown spots set in wide-spaced vertical
rows. Its undersides are very pale.

The Chinese desert cat may be found in the deserts, steppes, scrub and
mountains of Mongolia and China, where it hunts by night, from the
ground, and seeks small rodents and reptiles.

Iriomote Cat

Name: Iriomote Cat
Species: Felis [Mayailurus] Iriomotensis
Weight: 12 pounds
Head/Body: 23 inches
Tail: 8 inches
Subspecies: 1

A very rare cat, discovered in 1964, the Iriomote cat has a long body
with short legs and tail. Its coat is brown with lines on its neck
that end at its shoulders and black spots that merge into lines on its
flanks. Its ears are black with white spots.

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The Wild Cats Page 19

The Iriomote cat may be found only on the small island of Iriomote,
off the coast of Taiwan, where it hunts by night, from trees, and
seeks birds and small mammals.

The discovery so recently of the Iriomote cat caused a considerable
stir in zoological circles. It should be taken as notice that we
certainly don’t know all there is to know.

Marbled Cat

Name: Marbled Cat
Species: Felis [Pardofelis] Marmorata
Weight: 12 pounds
Head/Body: 21 inches
Tail: 15 inches
Subspecies: 2

A rare cat, the marbled cat resembles a long-tailed cat in size and
build. Its beautiful, striking coat is pale brown, with irregular
slightly darker brown blotches sharply outlined in dark brown or
black. Its long cylindrical tail is full from rump to tip and carries
its body pattern.

The marbled cat may be found in the forests of the Maylay peninsula,
Sumatra, Borneo and some neighboring small islands, where it hunts by
day, from trees, and seeks birds and eggs.

Pallas’ Cat

Name: Pallas’ Cat, Manul
Species: Felis [Otocolobus] Manul
Weight: 7-12 pounds
Head/Body: 22 inches
Tail: 10 inches
Subspecies: 3

The oldest living species of cat, evolving some 10 million years ago,
Pallas’ cat is similar to the lynx in facial structure, with a large,
sturdy body and short legs. Its head is short and broad, with large
round eyes and blunt wide-set ears. Its long, silky coat varies in
color from light grey to russet brown, with white tips to its hairs
giving a sparkling, almost irridescent appearance. There are dark
lines on its cheeks, rings on its tail, and its lips, chin, and throat
are white.

The Pallas’ cat may be found on the rocky plateaux and river banks of
central Asia, where it hunts by night, from the ground, and seeks
small mammals and birds.

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The Wild Cats Page 20

Rusty-Spotted Cat

Name: Rusty-Spotted Cat
Species: Felis [Prionailurus] Rubiginosa
Weight: 6-9 pounds
Head/Body: 17 inches
Tail: 7 inches
Subspecies: 2

The rusty-spotted cat is a small cat with small round ears and a short
tail. Its soft, short coat is grey with a reddish tinge on top and a
pale underside. There are reddish spots scattered randomly over its
body and reddish stripes on its head. Its face has distinctive white
and dark markings. The soles of its feet are black.

The rusty-spotted cat may be found in the forests, scrub, dried river-
beds and drainage systems of India and Sri Lanka, where it hunts by
night, from the ground, and seeks small mammals and birds.

Tiger Cat

Name: Tiger Cat, Tiger Ocelot
Species: Felis [Leopardus] Tigrina
Weight: 5-8 pounds
Head/Body: 22 inches
Tail: 13 inches
Subspecies: 4

The tiger cat has a slim, graceful body with long legs and a long
tail. Its coat is a light yellowish-brown with striking dark brown
spots, which may form rosettes or chains of rosettes. Its tail is
ringed.

The tiger cat may be found in the forests of Central and South Ameri-
ca, where it hunts by day and by twilight, from trees, and seeks small
rodents and birds.

Geoffroy’s Cat

Name: Geoffroy’s Cat, Geoffroy’s Ocelot
Species: Felis [Leopardus] Geoffroyi
Weight: 6 pounds
Head/Body: 20 inches
Tail: 12 inches
Subspecies: 5

The Geoffroy’s cat is a small cat with a well-proportioned body and
head. Its coat varies from silver grey to ochre and is covered all
over with equally-placed small dark brown or black spots. On the
shoulders and flanks of some individuals the spots may merge to form
rosettes or bars.

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The Wild Cats Page 21

The Geoffroy’s cat may be found in the open brushlands and scrub of
South America south of the Amazon basin and East of the Andes, where
it hunts by night, from the ground, and seeks small mammals and birds.

The Geoffroy’s cat is an exceptionally mild-tempered cat, and has been
bred with the domestic cat in an effort to produce a tame but wild-
looking hybrid.

Sand Cat

Name: Sand Cat
Species: Felis Margarita
Weight: 5-6 pounds
Head/Body: 20 inches
Tail: 12 inches
Subspecies: 4

The sand cat is a small cat with short legs and a very broad head with
low-set ears and full cheeks. The soles of its feet are protected
from hot sands by having a thick mat of fur. Its coat is a plain
yellowish-brown to greyish-brown, slightly darker towards its spine
and lighter underneath.

The sand cat may be found in the semi-desert regions of northern
African and the Middle East, where it hunts by night and twilight,
from the ground, and seeks small rodents and reptiles.

Bay Cat

Name: Bay Cat, Bornean Red Cat
Species: Felis [Pardofelis] Badia
Weight: 5 pounds
Head/Body: 20 inches
Tail: 15 inches
Subspecies: 1

A small, very rare cat, the bay cat has a slender body with an excep-
tionally long tail and a round head with small rounded ears. Its coat
is reddish-brown (chestnut) with a pale undersides and significantly
darker ears. There are faint spots on its undersides and limbs and
suggestions of lines in its face.

The bay cat may be found only in rocky and scrub areas of the island
of Borneo, where it hunts by night, from the ground, and seeks small
rodents and birds.

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The Wild Cats Page 22

Kodkod

Name: Kodkod, Huina
Species: Felis [Oncifelis] Guigna
Weight: 4.5 lbs
Head/Body: 18 inches
Tail: 8 in. body
Subspecies: 2

The kodkod is the smallest cat in the Western Hemisphere. Its coat is
buff with heavy black spots. There are black bands on its legs, and
its ears are black with a white spot.

The kodkod may be found in the forests of Chile and Patagonia, where
it hunts by night, from the ground though it is an excellent climber,
and seeks small rodents and birds.

Black-Footed Cat

Name: Black-Footed Cat
Species: Felis Negripes
Weight: 2.5-4.5 pounds
Head/Body: 14-18 inches
Tail: 6-7 inches
Subspecies: 2

The black-footed cat is the smallest African cat, possibly the small-
est cat in the world. Its coat is light brown, slightly darker on
top, with dark brown or black spots, streaked on its cheeks, throat,
chest and belly, and with transverse bars on its forlegs and haunches.
Its feet have black soles.

The black-footed cat may be found in the deserts and savannahs of
southern Africa, where it hunts by night and twilight, from the
ground, and seeks small rodents, birds, reptiles, and insects.

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The Wild Cats Page 23

0

SPATIAL DECONCENTRATION
by Yolanda Ward

This article was researched and written primarily by Ms. Yolanda Ward,
sometime in the early Nineteen Eighties. It is based largely on material
that is publicly available, especially the “Report of the National Advisory
Commission on Civic Disturbances,” otherwise known as the Kerner Commission
Report.

A large portion of this document is, however, based on materials which were
not publicly available, specifically a number of Housing and Urban
Development (HUD) department files which Ms. Ward and her collaborators
apparently stole from the HUD office in Washington, D.C. The material herein
contained details a policy, known as “Spatial Deconcentration,” which rivals
both Nazi Germany and present day South Africa in its injustice to
individuals, its utter disregard for human and civil rights, and outstrips
them both in the remarkable secrecy with which it has been, until now,
instituted.

This document was first published as part of a collection of notes for a
national housing activists conference held in Washington D.C. some years
ago. No more than five hundred copies were made at that time, and to the
best of our knowledge, this was the report’s only publication, prior to the
one you now hold in your hands. Shortly after this first publication, Ms.
Ward and two associates were accosted on a Washington street one night by
two well-dressed white men, who singled out Ms. Ward from her two friends,
ordered her at gunpoint to lie face down in the street, and then shot her in
the back of the head. The documents she and her friends allegedly stole from
HUD have never been published, nor are they included here.

— J.F.W., Editor (published in World War Three Illustrated circa1989)

This book is the result of painstaking work done during the second half of
1979, mostly in Philadelphia, but also in St. Louis, Chicago, New York City
and Washington D.C.

It includes a collection of materials from federal agencies such as the
Department of Housing and Urban Development (HUD), and the General
Accounting Office (GAO); from community sources, such as Philadelphia and
St. Louis Legal Aid Societies; and from independent sources, such as
foundations, private corporations, books, private papers, etc.

The search for and collection of this material began in August, 1979, when
housing activists in Philadelphia first stumbled across the strangely-worded
theory called “spatial deconcentration.” A letter had been forwarded from
the Philadelphia-area regional planning commission to activist attorneys in
one of the legal service agencies announcing a new “fair housing” program
called the “Regional Housing Mobility Program.” It might have been all greek
to housing activists had they not already known that some type of sweeping
master plan had already swung into effect to depopulate Philadelphia of its
minority neighborhoods. The massive demolition operations in minority
neighborhoods; which had been systematic, and the total lack of
reconstruction funds from public or private sources spoke to that fact.

Activists had fought pitched battles with the city administration over
housing policies for some three years before the word “mobility” was ever
mentioned among their ranks. In march of 1979, in fact, Philadelphia public
housing leaders launched an attack on a city organized and HUD sponsored
plan to empty the city’s public housing high-rise projects. The question at
the time had been: “Where will all the tenants go?” When the mobility
program was unearthed in August, the answer fell into place like a major
piece in a jig-saw puzzle. The answer, naturally, was the suburbs. It seemed
to fit perfectly into the “triage” or “Gentrification” scheme, which froze
the inner city land stocks for the returning suburbanites who were finding
city life more economical than the suburbs.

Focussing their attention on this phenomenon called “Mobility,” the
activists dug for more materials at the planning commission office. With the
new materials available they began to slowly understand that the Mobility
Program was much more than met the eye. By late September they only
understood that the program seemed to be a keystone among federal housing
programs and that HUD was making special efforts to avoid a confrontation
over the matter.

It was tactically decided that the program was too massive to be fought on a
local level. Activists in other cities would have to be sensitized to the
Program and encouraged to swing into action against it. Between early
November and late December, such contacts had been developed in St. Louis,
Chicago and New York City — all key Mobility cities. All the information
that had been collected in Philadelphia before November was distributed to
community activists in these cities. This action helped uncover massive
amounts of new information about the program, which would have been
impossible to procure on the east coast for various reasons, and which
changed the basic nature of the struggle the activists were waging against
the government.

The Philadelphia housing leaders had fought their campaign between 1976 and
1979 under the assumption that their struggle against the land speculators
and government bureaucracy had an economic base. They understood
“gentrification” perfectly, but thought it had developed because the
speculators were slowly but steadily viewing the land in minority
neighborhoods as some kind of gold mine to be vigorously exploited at any
cost. The information uncovered about the mobility program slowly taught
them that they were entirely wrong, and perhaps this misdirection had
prevented them from realizing any measurable amount of success in forcing
the city or government to start-up housing construction projects in the
city. It is now clear, in 1980, that instead of being economic the manifest
crises that plague inner-city minorities are founded in a problem of
control.

The so-called “gentrification” of the inner-cities, the lack of
rehabilitation financing for inner-city families, the massive demolition
projects which have transformed once-stable neighborhoods into vast
wastelands, the diminishing inner-city services, such as recreation,
health-care, education, jobs and job-training, sanitation, etc.; are all
rooted in an apparent bone-chilling fear that inner-city minorities are
uncontrollable.

Lengthy government-sponsored studies were conducted in the wake of the riots
of the 1960s, particularly after the 1967 Detroit fiasco which cost 47 lives
and was quelled only after deployment of 82nd Airborne paratroopers flown in
from North Carolina which had been commissioned for duty on the emergency
order of then-President Lyndon Johnson. Among intelligence agencies pressed
into service to study the problem was the Rand Corporation. In late
December, 1967 and early January, 1968, Rand was requested by the Ford
Foundation to conduct a three-week “workshop” concerning the “analysis of
the urban problem.” It was “intended to define and initiate a long-term
research program on urban policy issues and to interest other organizations
in undertaking related work. Participants included scientists, scholars,
federal and New York City officials, and Rand staff members.

Johnson also ordered a particularly significant study of the riots to be
commissioned which has led to the emergence of some of the most dangerous
theories since the rise of Adolf Hitler. It was the National Advisory
Commission Report on Civil Disorders, more commonly called the Kerner
Commission Report. Strategists representing all specialities were contracted
by the government to participate in the study. Begun in 1967 immediately in
the wake of the Detroit riot, it was not published until March of 1968. But
only weeks after its emergence, Dr. Martin Luther King was assassinated and
the most massive wave of riots that was ever recorded in American history
almost forced a suspension of the Constitution.

Samuel Yette reported in his 1971 book, The Choice, that the House
Un-American Affairs Committee, headed by right-wing elements, had put heavy
pressure on Johnson to suspend the Constitution and declare martial law in
the cities. Johnson resisted and instead ordered government strategists to
employ the finest minds in the country to analyze the cause of the revolts
and develop strategies to prevent them in the future.

The workshop participants were asked to prepare and submit papers
recommending “program initiatives and experiments” in the areas of
welfare/public assistance, jobs and manpower training, housing and urban
planning, police services and public order, race relations, and others. The
papers were grouped into four headings, including two called “urban
poverty,” and “urban violence and public order.”

The Kerner Commission strategists came to the conclusion that America’s
inner-city poverty was so entrenched that the ghettoes could not be
transformed into viable neighborhoods to the satisfaction of residents or
the government. The problem of riots, therefore, could be expected to emerge
in the future, perhaps with more intensity and as a more serious threat to
the Constitutional privileges which most Americans enjoy. They finally
concluded that if the problem could not be eliminated because of the nature
of the American system of “free enterprise,” than American technology could
contain it. This could only be done through a theory of “spatial
deconcentration” of racially-impacted neighborhoods. In other words, poverty
had been allowed to become so concentrated in the inner-cities that
hopelessness overwhelmed their residents and the government’s resolve to
dilute it.

This hopelessness had the social effect of a fire near a powderkeg. But if
the ghettoes were thinned out, the chances of a cataclysmic explosion that
could destroy the American way of life could be equally diminished.
Inner-city residents, then, would have to be dispersed throughout the
metropolitan regions to guarantee the privileges of the middle-class. Where
those inner-city minorities should be placed after their dispersal had been
the subject of intense research by the government and the major financial
interests of the U.S. since 1968. In the Kerner Commission Report, Chapter
17 addressed itself to this prospect. Suburbs were its answer: the furthest
place from the inner-city.

A high proportion of the commissioners for the Report and their contracting
strategists were military or paramilitary men. Otto Kerner, himself,
chairman of the Commission, was the Governor of Illinois at the time of the
Report but before that had been a major general in the army. John Lindsey,
Mayor of New York City, had been chairman of the political committee of the
NATO Parliamentarian’s Conference. Herbert Jenkins, before becoming a
commissioner, had been chief of the Atlanta Police Department and President
of the International Association of Chiefs of Police, a reputed
“anti-terrorist” organization. Charles Thornton, the fourth of the seven
commissioners, was chairman of the board of Litton Industries at the time he
accepted his commission, one of the country’s chief military suppliers and,
before that, had been general manager of the Hughes Aircraft Corporation —
another major military supplier — and a colonel in the U.S. Air Force, a
trustee of the National Security Industrial Association, and a member of the
Advisory Council to the Defense Department.

The Commission’s list of contractors and witnesses was no less glittering in
military and paramilitary personnel. No less than thirty police departments
were represented on or before the Commission by their chiefs or deputy
chiefs. Twelve generals representing various branches of the armed services
appeared before the Commission or served as contractors. The Agency for
International Development, the Rand Corporation, The Brookings Institute,
the Federal Bureau of Investigation, the International Association of
Chiefs of Police, the Institute of Defense Analysis, and the Ford Foundation
all played significant roles in shaping the Commission’s findings.

A hardly-noticeable name listed among the intelligence and military giants
was that of one Anthony Downs, a civilian. Unlike most of the other
contractors, whose names were followed by lines of titles, Downs was simply
listed as being from Chicago, Illinois. His name was to become very
prominent among inner-city grassroots leaders around the country by the end
of 1979. Philadelphia housing leaders had remembered Downs as having been
the author of the so-called “triage” report of 1975 which led to a storm of
controversy at the time.

In his HUD-sponsored study, Downs argued that the inner-cities were
hopelessly beyond repair and would be better off cleared of services and
residents and landbanked. The middle-class should then be allowed to
re-populate these areas, giving them a breath of new life. The activists, in
their rush to uncover information about the Mobility Program, discovered, to
their surprise, that Downs had written Chapters 16 & 17 of the Kerner
Commission Report; the chapters devoted to demographic shifts in the
inner-cities and spatial deconcentration.

Housing activists studying theories of “mobility” and “spatial
deconcentration” stumbled upon yet another “strategist,” also, like Downs,
out of Chicago, named Bernard Weissbourd. Weissbourd wrote two papers in
Chicago in 1968 concerning the crisis of exploding minority inner-city
populations. In one paper, entitled An Urban Strategy, he proposed a
so-called “one-four-three-four” plan. Inner-city minority populations
represented such a growing political threat by their growing numbers, he
argued, that a strategy had to be quickly developed to thin out their
numbers and prevent them from overwhelming the nation’s biggest cities. He
proposed that this be accomplished through a series of federal and private
programs that would financially-induce minorities to migrate to the suburbs
until their absolute numbers inside the cities represented no more than
one-fourth of the total population.

It is not clear if An Urban Strategy was written before the Kerner
Commission Report was released or before the end of the Rand Corporations
“workshop.” Around the same time, however, he wrote another paper entitled,
Proposal for a New Housing Program: Satellite Communities. Weissbourd argued
that the bombed-out inner-city neighborhoods should be completely rebuilt as
“new towns in town” for the middle-class. As in his Urban Strategy paper, he
discussed the threat of explosive inner-city minority populations and their
threatening political power. He suggested that this threat could be repulsed
with the construction of new housing outside the cities for inner-city
minorities. He also suggested that jobs be found for these people in the
suburbs and that “. . . some form of subsidy” be developed to induce them to
leave the inner-cities. It is not clear whether Downs knew Weissbourd or
borrowed his theories in time for his Kerner Commission Report, or if, in
fact, the Report was finished after Weissbourd published his works, although
it is likely, since both worked out of Chicago. It is clear that both
strategists saw American middle-class life-styles as being challenged by the
same explosive, racially-impacted inner-city neighborhoods.

In the same year that Downs had completed his Kerner Commission Report
chapters and Weissbourd published his theories, President Johnson requested
the formation of a research network that could focus on analyses of
inner-city evolution and area-wide metropolitan strategies. This “thinktank”
is called the Urban Institute. Since its founding in 1968, the likes of
Carla Hills, Robert McNamara, Cyrus Vance, William Ruckelshaus, Kingman
Brewster, Joseph Califano, Edward Levi, John D. Rockerfeller, Charles
Schultze and William Scranton, have served as members of its board of
trustees.

The five Blacks who have served, or are serving, are Whitney Young, Leon
Sullivan, William Hastie, Vernon Jordan, and William Coleman; all prominent
middle-class “yes-men.” The board of the Institute has had an interlocking
relationship with the boards of trustees of the Rand Corporation and the
Brookings Institute, both close CIA affiliates. Rand’s Washington office, in
fact, is located in the same building where the Institute has its
headquarters.

The Institute, to say the least, is a bizarre agency. It was supposedly
founded in the spirit of harmony between the races, but has been dominated
by a substantial number of presidential cabinet members and major U.S.
corporations and Universities, such as Yale and Chicago. Worse, the
Institute has conducted a substantial portion of the research that has led
to the development of Mobility Program techniques. Its president, William
Gorham, recently described the agency as a HUD “testing laboratory.” It is
theoretically dominated by the likes of the quasi-military strategists that
dominated the Kerner Commission, especially one John Goodman, the
Institute’s major “mobility” specialist.

In terms of the types of experiments the Institute has conducted over its
short history and the highly-sensitive nature of its research work, it ranks
on a par with the CIA itself. Goodman, for instance, heading a team of
strategists, developed, between 1975 and 1979, a series of experiments to
determine the best way to induce inner-city Blacks and other minorities to
leave the cities. A favorite ploy they developed was housing allowances and
the so-called housing “subsidy” progress, whereby low-income families are
supported in their rent payments, or paid cash grants, if they first agree
to move out. Heavy experimentation was also conducted by the Institute on
tactics that could be used to shape the Section 8 Program into a
counterinsurgency tool against minorities.

In 1970, Downs wrote a little known book called Urban Problems & Prospects,
in which he more graphically detailed the theory of spatial deconcentration.
He developed a bizarre concept in the book entitled “the theory of
middle-class dominance.” According to him, the dispersal of the inner-city
populations to the suburbs could not be successfully completed unless and
until a model of dispersal was developed whereby the artificially-induced
outflow of minorities from the inner-cities would be controlled and directed
to the point that they would not be permitted to naturally reconcentrate
themselves in the suburbs.

This was the heart of the government theory which was later to become the
theory of “integration maintenance.” This type of control had to be
exercised, according to Downs, because white suburbanites would not remain
stable in their bungalows if they were led to suspect that the incoming
Blacks and other minorities were gaining power through their sheer numbers
in the suburbs. The consistent theme of Down’s Problems, Chapters 16 & 17 of
the Kerner Commission Report, and Goodman’s works at the Institute, was that
of control.

The line of thinking about control found reinforcement in another book Downs
wrote in 1973, entitled Opening Up the Suburbs: An Urban Strategy for
America. Down’s theories from the Kerner Commission Report crystalized,
taking as their cue his arguments laid down in Urban Problems. The theory of
white “dominance” was carefully discussed in Suburbs. Included here were
ideas for “. . . a broader strategy,” where “. . .a workable mechanism
ensuring that whites will remain in the majority . . .” were produced. But
Chapter 12 of Suburbs carefully laid down a mechanism which could transform
the theories of his former works into practical application.

The chapter was called “Principles of a Strategy of Dispersing Economic
Integration,” and laid down five basic concepts: 1 — establishing a
“favorable” political climate for the strategy; 2 — creating “economic
incentives” for the strategy; 3 — “preserving suburban middle-class
dominance; 4 — rebuilding inner-cities; 5 — developing a further
“comprehensive strategy.” In outline format, he analyzed each one. He noted
that experiments should be conducted before the strategy was effectuated and
that “. . . more effective means of withdrawing economic support . . . ”
should be developed for the inner-cities to clear the way for landbanking
inner-city neighborhoods.

To the amazement of the inner-city housing leaders across the country,
Down’s theory of “dispersed economic integration” was exactly reproduced in
HUD’s Regional Housing Mobility Program Guidebook, issued six years after
Suburbs, in 1979.

Also by 1977, a mysterious “fair housing” group in Chicago, the Leadership
Council for Open Metropolitan Communities, was contracted by HUD to begin
mobility programming experiments on Black high-rise public housing tenants
in the Southside and Westside. It was called “The Gautreaux Demonstration
Program” and achieved in two years the removal to the far suburbs of 400
families. Materials from HUD’s 1979 review of the Gatreaux experiment are
included in this anthology.

By 1974, the Congress had enacted the Community Development Act. The
legislation fused together the Urban Renewal programs of the Johnson era and
the Revenue Sharing programs of the Nixon Administration. The title to the
Act laid-out its theory: 1 — reduce the geographic isolation of various
economic groups; 2 — promote spatial deconcentration; 3 — revitalize
inner-city neighborhoods for middle and upper-income groups.

It wasn’t until 1975 that point four of Down’s theory in Suburbs, rebuilding
the inner-cities, was fully analyzed. It was done in the form of the
“triage” report, completed under HUD contract while he was still president
of the Real Estate Research Corporation in Chicago; a firm founded by his
father, James, some twenty years before. In this report, Downs made it clear
that he wasn’t projecting the inner-cities being rebuilt for its present
residents — the minorities — but for the white middle-class; the so-called
urban gentry; a theory completely compatible with the Community Development
Act of the previous year, Weissbourd’s 1968 writings, and the Kerner
Commission findings. Under point four in Suburbs, Downs wrote that “. . .
new means of comprehensively ‘managing’ entire inner-city neighborhoods
should be developed to provide more effective means of withdrawing economic
support from housing units that ought to be demolished.”

In his “triage” report, he wrote that Community Development funds should be
withheld from inner-city neighborhoods so as to allow “. . . a long-run
strategy of emptying out the most deteriorated areas. . .” A city’s basic
strategy, he wrote, ” . . . would be to accelerate their abandonment . .. .”
The land having been “banked,” it could be redeveloped for the gentry. He
argued that instead of being given increased services, minority
neighborhoods should be infused with major demolition projects.

When Patricia Harris became Secretary of HUD two years after the enactment
of the Community Development Act and one year after the Section 8 Program
replaced the Section 235 and 236 housing subsidy programs, the General
Accounting Office, under the direction of Henry Eschwege, issued a stinging
review of the Department’s policies. Noting that the Section 8 Program was
the “. . . principal federal program for housing lower-income persons . . .”
the 1978 report suggested, in threatening language, that “HUD needs to
develop an implementation plan for deconcentration . . .” The report argued
that “. . . freedom of choice . . .” was supposed to be the Department’s
“primary intent,” but that top HUD officials were confused about the policy.
HUD, the GAO insisted, was continuing to offer “revitalization” projects in
the inner-cities, which was concentrating poverty in the cities. This
policy, it stressed, was “incompatible” with spatial deconcentration.

In 1979, on the heels of the GAO report came HUD’s Regional Housing Mobility
Program. The introduction of the program was itself bizarre, let alone the
program. The emergence of the program was kept so quiet that virtually no
grassroots community organizations in the country knew of its existence. The
activists in Philadelphia had not even been aware of its existence until
August of that year. It still wasn’t until November that grassroots leaders
encountered an advisory council member to one of the planning agencies —
and that was in St. Louis — who openly admitted that the program’s success
depended on its “invisibility.”

On August 3, 1979, the planning commission directors of 22 pre-selected
regions in the country were asked by HUD to gather in Washington to be
schooled on the mechanics of the program. They were given Guidebooks and
asked to return to their respective jurisdictions and prepare $75,000 to
$150,000 applications for the program. The Guidebook made it clear that
these regions had been specially selected because of their heavy
concentration of inner-city minorities. They were instructed to contact
major civil rights organizations and gain their “input” into the program. It
was not coincidental that the National Urban League was one of the very few
Black organizations that knew of the program’s existence. After all, Vernon
Jordan, its president, sits on the board of trustees of the Urban Institute.

The Guidebook smacks of computer technology and is prepared with
mind-control phrases, such as establishing “beachheads” in “alien”
communities; initiating “. . . a long-term promotion of deconcentration;”
identifying “. . . homeseeker traits which operate . . . on a process of
suppression not selection;” and banking on the “. . . promotion of target
areas” that “. . . will require that natural inclinations be altered.” True
to the Down’s model established in Suburbs and Urban Problems, the Guidebook
carefully analyzes the financial inducements to be used by the government to
force minorities out of the cities and to force uncooperative suburban
landlords to accept the program.

The Guidebook makes it clear that the program is intended for major
expansion by 1982, when its funding base will be switched from
HUD-Washington to an assortment of agencies, interestingly including the
Community Development Block Grant funds, CETA, an the Ford, Rockerfeller and
Alcoa Foundations. The CETA job component clearly traced its theoretical
roots not only to Downs, but also to Weissbourd. The Guidebook also
carefully lays out the use of the Section 8 Program as a primary base for
mobility operations.

Once it became clear to inner-city housing leaders that the Mobility Program
was nothing more than the first in a set of mechanisms the government
intended to use to effectuate the ideas discussed in the Kerner Commission
Report, it was easy to organize concerned people around the issue. It was
actually a relief to some activists that proof had finally emerged of a real
master plan, and not merely another fictionalized account of some remote
possibility.

Less than one month after the Philadelphia leaders had made their final
contacts in Chicago and New York City, a five-city conference was organized
in Washington. Called the Grassroots Unity Conference, and held in January,
1980, it focussed on driving the message home to the government, through
HUD, that the masterplan had been exposed and efforts were being organized
in key regions of the country to stop it.

An almost violent meeting was held between top HUD officials and activists
from Washington, Chicago, St. Louis, New York and Philadelphia during the
two-day conference. A busload of inner-city residents literally invaded the
Urban Institute offices and persuaded its staff to hand over dozens of
documents that further reinforced community leader’s arguments that a
masterplan existed, and that the Mobility Program was merely the first step
in a new series of programs designed to systematically empty the
inner-cities of their minority residents.

The friction slowly being generated between the government and the
inner-city communities over this programming and its exposure has the
potential of producing a major domestic crisis in the U.S. Housing and
community activists have for years been confused about the nature of the
deterioration of the inner-cities. The confusion often led to
disillusionment and bitter dissension that sometimes created malevolent
situations within the inner circles of community leaders and groups. Many
community leaders knew that the government was not an innocent party to the
problems of the cities, but few imagined the close association between it
and private market forces in systematically driving the poor and the Black
out of the cities.

Fewer still realized that the government had helped organize the “control”
strategy from its inception. Now that the masterplan is being slowly
uncovered by the persistent efforts of grassroots leaders and the confusion
within community groups is evaporating, it may not be possible to vent their
anger in non-destructive ways when the tale is finally told.

Some elements of the Black community, for instance, have argued for years
that the government had declared a “secret war” on Blacks in America. Now
evidence exists which makes the point difficult, if not impossible, to
defeat. At least, an innocent observer must ask the question: “What kind of
a government would allow these types of strategies to develop and thrive?”
Even more to the point, one must ask: “How stable can a government be with
such information emerging?” It now seems evident that the Constitution,
which the Kerner Commissioners and the Johnson Administration feared was in
need of special protections, does not apply to all people in America, but
only the white middle class. The only way the government can now disprove
this argument is to abolish all types of mobility programming and the
“thinktanks” that shaped it.

Researchers in all parts of the country who believe the government is
traveling a lethal path are now uncovering major pieces of evidence to show
the elaborate workings of the masterplan. Some of their arguments are
enclosed in Part III of this book, under the title, “The Minority Response.”
Other technical data are enclosed in Part IV and V. Of particular interest
in Part V are the listings offered by the Urban Institute under housing
allowance programs. Section 8 experimentation takes up a good portion of the
available listings. A cursory examination of some of these papers — and in
some instances a mere reading of the project titles — plainly shows the
determination of the government to manipulate the Section 8 Program as a key
instrument to force inner-city residents to move into the suburbs through
the Mobility Program.

It aptly explains why these same researchers created the Section 8 Programs
in the first place. Included in Part IV are lists of Boards of Trustees of
the Brookings and Urban Institutes in Washington D.C. Attempts were made, in
preparation for this edition to include a listing of the Rockerfeller and
Ford Foundation’s Boards of Trustees. These corporations, however, refused
to release their Annual Reports.

The exposure of the Mobility Program’s real intentions will hopefully change
the direction of the government. If not, then the worse can be assumed for
the future of the U.S. because no righteous people on the face of the earth
would or should permit the existence of such policy, even if its
dismemberment means inevitable confrontation or conflagration.

Several aspects of this mobility programming have deliberately been avoided
at this time. Cyrus Vance, for instance, was Deputy Secretary of Defense at
the time of the Detroit riot of 1967 and the initiation of the Kerner
Commission Report. By 1980, Vance was Secretary of State, directly
responsible for at least one organization named in the Report, the Agency
for International Development (AID), widely reputed for its CIA ties. He was
also a trustee of the Urban Institute along with Robert NcNamara, chairman
of the World Bank and former Secretary of Defense under Johnson.

A reasonable question emerges at this point: Why is the military so closely
attached to this mobility programming? Or, worse: What does the military
intend to do in the event that this mobility-type programming fails, and the
Blacks and other minorities remain in large part in the cities into the turn
of the century, and riots create greater so-called threats to Constitutional
safeguards? After all, Downs, himself, stated in Suburbs that he believed
the mobility programming would fail. Is a repeat of the recent history of
Greece or Chile the logical answer to these questions? Did the military, in
1967, issue an ultimatum to the government to remove the Blacks and other
inner-city minorities to Black suburban “townships” in kid-glove fashion,
with the option, in case of failure, being the iron fist? Furthermore, how
could it have been possible for the surgical demolition operations in the
minority neighborhoods of the cities to be so identical in all major
American cities? Could any organization other than the Pentagon have done
this?

These questions have been left unexplored because the weight of available
documentation and the speed with which it is being collected and digested
has been burdensome on anti-mobility forces. Further, this discussion about
the military must be carefully explored by itself because of its obvious
sensitivity. Also left for “Book II” is the discussion concerning the
companion programs of the Mobility Program. Their successful exploration and
revelation may make Watergate look pale by comparison.

0

[Never finished, was posted early by an overzelus follower]

The following text is the work of very insane people that
decided to be very annoying to some people in a nice and
large computer cluster. Please ignore all attempts by the
people in the cluster who wish to beat the authors of this
here text and all bloodstains that may be spotted on any
printed documents of this text –that is if you can find it
after the people who are not amused about the authors writing
this do.

Sit back, and enjoy.

TTTTT his is the story of Spam. The authors of this
T program wish to make it perfectly clear that this
T file is meant to be absolutely harmless to most and
T specific individuals. However, this file in its
T previous forms has been known to cause serious side
effects to the people who happened to pick up this
document that was lying on some coffee table in the
middle of nowhere. All of the side effects are not
known at this point as half of the population that
actually experienced these side effects would not
possibly dream to actually admit to these side
effects. Some of the side effects that actually
been reported are as follows:

~ Serious Addictions and cravings to demented sodas such as
Mello Yello and Moxie. We, of the Church of Spam, can
completely understand this cravings but we cannot be
responsible for any illegal trades for these substances such
as siblings and Kmarts.

~ Answering the phone “Yellow?”

~ Prasing other lifeforms and the start of a major movements
that are meant for the preservation of rare and endangered
life forms such as cows.

~ Going on demented rampages throughout the neighborhood
paintballing cats.

~ We are not going to mention any more side effects, as we
actually WANT YOU TO READ THIS AND SUFFER THE
CONSEQUENCES!!!!

[…we apologize for our last typer as he had drunk too much
mello yello before he got this. He has been severely
flogged and dragged out and pseudo-shot. Again, we
apologize for the interruption…]

HAIL Gavin!

Gavin “S.F.A.” Healy, the previous Head Pope of Spam, has
been promoted to god-status within the parameters of the
known universe and now walks the earth with his never-ending
curls of hair that still give him the Nat-X look that he is
and always will be famous for. He is known for the tan
and brown sweater that he always has donned ever since the
beginning of time when all there was was Gavin, Arjaii, and
Spam.

Arjaii, also known as Raphael Dareau and other various
names that he is called by his girlfriend and his anti-
girlfriend. He can be easily identified by his tall and
normal heights and always carries a mysterious blue backpack
that he calls “Ton O’ Fun”. No one really knows what he
carries in there except for the “Avant Cow” hat and another
hat that no one has ever seen him wear yet. He has also been
known to paintball cats within his local neighborhood and
cause some anti-peaceful activities. Other than the unknown,
Arjaii carries copies of his programs that he is proud to
call his own (although some people are quite mystified about
why

0

ZDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD?
3 Compliments Of =Purgatory BBS 3
3 (207)-866-2399 3
3 THE STORY OF SPAM VOLUME THREE AND A HALF AND A HALF 3
@DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDY

NOTICE:

This story has been known to confuse people quite easily
so it is recommended that you return yourself to a
uncomfortable position so that you will be ready for any
shocks that you might receive reading this story. This story
also insults Twinkies.

And Ho-Hos.

And Ring Dings.

And the LipLess Wonder.

THE STORY SO FAR:

On a unusually boring day, Raphael Dareau, bored out of
his skull, decided that it would be a good time to log in to
something called NovaNET. Quite a few people say that this
incident was not exactly the most brillant thing to let
Raphael Dareau do, and some others say, “What possible harm
could he have done to the natural order of things? This sort
of thing is inevitable in any normal universe.” And there is
a guy on top of a mountain in the middle of Nepal meditating
on this fact. He is quite unsure at this time. Anyway,
Raphael Dareau achieved signon-ness, and logged into NovaNET
shortly after the incident that caused the complete collapse
of the Maine NovaNET structure. It also marked the end of
something called the Matt Thomas era.

In the beginning, there was NovaNET. The entire history
of NovaNET upto the end of the Matt Thomas era was lost
because of a tragic headon collision between a blimp and a
submarine. Details of this incident are still classified,
but one of the investagating officers called it “The most
unique tragidies that has been known to mankind.” However,
unlike The Story of NovaNET, which has merged with The Story
Of Spam, much is known about the history of Spam, from
beginning to end. The actual history of NovaNET before the
end of the Matt Thomas era is unfortunately held in the brain
of the person who made the era possible. However, from the
pieces from the wreckage of the blimp-submarine accident,
there were bits of Nova History that was recovered.

One day during the Matt Thomas era, The Bearded Wonder
was playing Avatar at CAPS for the first time. Little did he
know that one of the sinks in Neville Hall was used to
dispose of Biological Waste. This lovely stuff when coming
into contact with skin, caused the affected part of the body
to fall off. The Bearded Wonder walked into this particular
bathroom and filled the basin with water to begin washing his
face. He started washing his face, and then noticed that
water smelled funny. He screamed and was taken to the local
medical facility, where he was rejected and taken to a
chiropractor instead. The Chiropractor said that his back
was fine, but they could not rescue his lips. By then, the
lips had declared independence, and severed themselves from
the Murph-Unit and joined forces with the Deb. The gangreen
infection however, unfortunately, in The Bearded Wonder was
cured, and afther this tramatic incident, The Bearded Wonder
joined the Handicapped Lip Society, where he was quickly made
President.

All but the President part is just a theory. Even back
those ancient days, no one really knew what happened to
The Bearded Wonder, although the above is the most accepted
theory. Others are:

o The Bearded Wonder caught his lips in the windowsill,
vices, or other type of mechanical apparatus.

o The Bearded Wonder had gangreen of the lips.

o He cut them off on a dare or as initiation to some
group.

At the near end of the Matt Thomas era, Jim Troutman
climed Mt. Urbana and received a message from Felix, the God
of the NovaNET machines. He gave Jim some huge tablets of
the Commandments Of NovaNET, a waste many people said, as the
Commandments were available in the local area in paperback.
But Felix did not just give Jim a couple pounds of granite,
but he also gave him a warning. There existed a creature
called The Guardian Of The Lips which travelled with a local
deity called the Deb. Deb was in charge of the universe
called =maine, and Felix fortold of destruction and meyhem
was about to be put onto the people in this universe. Jim
did not know what to think, so he ignored it.

Then about 4 months later, The Deb and The Guardian Of
The Lips swooped down into =maine and began to kill signons
left and right, causing much panic. The only true one that
was ineffected by this action was Jim himself, for Felix gave
him an aurora that Deb and The Lips could not penetrate and
they kept bouncing off the aura everytime that they attacked
Jim. However, many were not so lucky — in fact, Felix
laughed as The Lips chased and killed signons across the vast
lands of =maine. And for those who did survive, life was
just not the same. Term-Talk, otherwise known as the Tower
Of Babble, crumbled to the ground. Other features such as
Avatar and Talkomatic were disabled for periods of time,
keeping people at bay during the daytime hours. Slowly, but
surely, life in =maine began to slowly return to normal, and
as long as Deb was happy, everyone was happy.

Now before we make the connection between NovaNET and
Spam, here is a few things that everyone should know about
Spam.

Spam had its beginnings back in 1937 when Jay Hormel,
one of the major people of the Hormel Meat Company, found out
that several thousand extra pounds of pork shoulder existed
within one of their storehouses, and they had to find a quick
solution to get rid of it in anyway before the meat rotten
and caused a bigger mess than it already was doing. Jay
Hormel decided that it would be a good idea to have the meat
shipped to his secret laboratory. He took the meat and began
to mix different products into it. A big black puff of
smoke rose from one particular combination, and it caused
such a flash that Jay had to look away for a second. After
several seconds after the flash, he looked and saw a cubical
piece of meat that took the place of all the ingrediants that
he mixed together. Daringly, he tasted the product. It did
taste kinda strange, but it was not beyond all hope. In
fact, it tasted well enough that it would take care of the
extra meat that they had rotting in storage. He then began
to market it under Hormel luncheon meat, which many people
decided was the dumbest name to come into existance since
Fresca, so an emergency meeting was held to find a better
name for the new substance. The President declared that the
person who came up with the new name for the meat would
receive $100. Mady people sitting at that table pondered the
idea for a few minutes, then all of sudden, Kenneth Daigneau
stood up, yelled out “SPAM” and ran down the hallway.
Surprised, YET quick to adapt, the luncheon meat was forever
dubbed with that ever-holy name and most everyone saw that it
was good, as soon it achieved itself into its current
definition — A meat substance that is consumed at the rate
of 3.8 cans per second and is sold in more thant 50
countries. The meat was so popular that Margaret Thatcher
ate it for Christmas dinner in 1943 and Nikita Khrishchev
called it one of the only things to keep the Soviet Army
alive.

Then 50 years later, Spam had a birthday. The luncheon
meat was featured in Minnesota and in many different ways —
a luncheon that featured an “all you can eat” Spam Breakfast
for $1.99. Also, there were Spam Pizzas and Spam submarine
sandwitches (which is not what crashed into the Blimp, or was
it?). There was also a Spam eating contest where contestants
were times as they ate a 7-ounce can of Spam. Fingers were
the only utensils that were allowed during the contest and
they could only drink a 7 ounce glass of water. There was
also a Spam sculpting contest where artist were “free” to
express themselves. Also, this jamboree featured the Spam
recipe contest, with live bands, and bicycle and foot races.
Also, A Spam King and Queen were chosen.

What kind of connection does this have with anything,
you might ask yourself. It started with NovaNET with
something like this.

Laecretius, a powerful sorcerer under the control of
Raphael Dareau, was cruising around level 14 in a NovaNET
game called Avatar

[UNFINISHED]

0

ZDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD?
3 Compliments Of 12-20-1991 3
3 3
3 =PURGATORY BBS 3
3 (207)-866-2399 3
3 3
3 SysOps: Thanatos and Raphael Dareau 3
@DDDDDDDDDDDDDBDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDBDDDDDDDDDDDDY
3 3
3The Story Of Spam – Volume 3 1/23
3Much Ado About Nothing In Orono!3
@DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDY

BRIEF INTRODUCTION

The last “Story Of Spam” was the longest that ever
existed and many people complained about its 9 page length,
commenting that the text seemed to be constant blabber … as
if it was a term paper that needed to be an EXACT length and
a person wanted to find a way to extend some words. That is
why this text is coming into existence — to keep things
concise, clear, and less wordy. Plus, there was some
inconsistencies that were noticed in the story, which will be
corrected in the following text.

ANOTHER BRIEF INTRODUCTION

This is the Story Of Spam. The title is not fitting
however in this text as it had been in others. In order to
keep the reader disinterested in the text, some other things
have been added, hence the name “Much Ado About Nothing In
Orono.” However, this text will be kept from becoming a
constant blabber and if you do not like this new text, then
please feel obligated to stick your head in a bucket of
piranha fish. Also, some of the names of the people in this
text have NOT been changed, and they will probably will never
be able to get another decent job. Also, this will be the
last story of Spam for the rest of the year.

IIIII n the beginning, there was NovaNET. However, due to a
I tragic blimp accident, much of the history of NovaNET
I was lost. However, much is known about this computer
I system after something called The Matt Thomas Era,
IIIII which is an era that NovaNET signons were flung around
like pennies in a auditorium that contains McKernan.
However, at the start of recorded history, things began to
change quickly. The entire universe was in shock as the
Debmeister and The Guardian Of The Lips swooped down on
NovaNETland and began to viciously attack people like crazed
piranhas. And those who did survive the attack that caused
the eventual collapse of the Matt Thomas era was subjected to
NovaNET poverty and could do little or nothing. The Tower Of
Babbling was destroyed, which destroyed Term-Talk instantly.
Talkomatic was damaged as well, but it was not as hit as
hard. According to legend, which was written in two large
stone tablets that were carried down from Mt. Urbana,
troutman/dialup/nova was the only one that was not effected,
as his aurora was the best deflector for anything that the
Lips and the Debmeister could dish out. The stone tablets
turned out to be the Ten Commandments Of NovaNET, which were
given to troutman during his visit to Mt. Urbana by the Great
One after he solved his quest for a Shiva. This transaction
truly marked the end of the Matt Thomas era.

SPAM

W W orking late one night in 1937 in his secret
W W laboratory, Jay Hormel had a deadline lurking. He
W W W worked at the Hormel Meat Company and he had several
WW W WW thousand extra pounds of pork shoulder that he did
WWWWW not know what to do with — and he had to find
something to do with all the extra meat before it
rotted. He then began to mix different products into the
meat and then a big black puff of smoke came up from the
mixture and Jay averted his eyes from the sight. When he
finally looked at the final product, he saw a huge cubical
piece of meat. Carefully, he tasted the product, which
tasted a bit odd, but yet had possibilities. He then began
to market it as Hormel Luncheon Meat, which was as lame as
the word “hip.” Because of this lame name, a emergency
meeting was held and the President Of Hormel offered $100 for
a person to come up with a catchy name. After several
minutes of pondering, Kenneth Daigneau stood up, yelled
“SPAM”, and ran down the hallway. Surprised, yet quick to
adapt, the luncheon meat was dubbed the ever-holy name and
the meat began to reproduce into its current definition — A
meat substance that is consumed at the rate of 3.8 cans per
second and is sold in more than 50 countries. Margaret
Thatcher ate it for Christmas dinner in 1943 and Nikita
Khrushchev called it the only thing to keep the Soviet Army
alive.

Then 50 years later, Spam’s birthday was celebrated in
Minnesota. The luncheon meat was featured in many different
ways — a luncheon that featured a “all you can eat” Spam
Breakfast for $1.99. Also, there was Spam Pizza and Spam
submarine sandwitches. There was a Spam eating contest where
contestants were timed as they ate a 7-ounce can of Spam.
Only fingers were allowed, no utensils, and the only thing
that they could drink was a 7 ounce glass of water. There
was also a Spam sculpting contest, in which artist could show
their favorite medium to work in. Also, the jamboree
featured the Spam recipe contest, with live bands, and
bicycle and foot races. Also, A Spam King And Queen was
chosen.

Also, much literature and music was written about the
meat substance.

3001: A SEARCH FOR SPAM

As I made my way down the tunnel toward my favorite
hangout, I got a pain in my stomach. I had only felt this
way once before, but that was many years ago. The doctor
told me that it was gas, but I knew this was much more than
gas; it was a pain sent to me as a message from the gods. I
felt better after a while, so I proceeded to my hangout.

When I got there, it was empty except for the bartender.
I approached him and ordered one Pepsi and a disk of Spam.
He looked at me with deep concern and told me the whole
complex was out of Spam. “How could this be?” I thought.
“No Spam. Can I survive without Spam?” I asked the
bartender if there was anything I could do to help find more
Spam. He told me that a meeting was being held in the town
square on the matter, and that everybody was there now.
That’s when I realized that the pain was a message telling me
that I was the one that must save us all and find Spam.

I jumped on my motorized tricycle and headed for the
meeting. When I got there, a man was standing on a giant
Tide box he had turned into a makeshift stage. He was
saying, “As you all know, in the mid-21st century, we were
driven underground by global warming. The only thing we took
with us was a large supply of Spam, and as most of us have
discovered, that supply has run out. We have other foods to
eat, but we have all been eating Spam for so long, we now
have a physical dependence on it. Without it, we will go
mad. Our scientists have already made some digging machines
equipped with Spam radar. I say we start a search
immediately for another underground civilization that has the
technology to make Spam.”

We all agreed and headed for the machines. Two people
were assigned to each vehicle. My partner’s name was Chris.
His job was to watch the radar and mine was to drive. While
most of the groups started moving outward, I had a hunch that
the best way to go would be straight down. Chris thought I
was crazy, but he wasn’t driving. We went straight down.

After we had driven down for two hours, it became hot,
but luckily we had air conditioning. Chris watched the radar
with an eagle’s eye and his own eyes too, but there was no
sight of Spam. We traveled for several more hours. When my
stomach growled and Chris started to sweat from lack of Spam,
there was nothing to do but what we did. I broke the glass
panel labeled EMERGENCY. I took out a small can of Spam and
shared it with Chris. Of course, we had other foods in the
machine to eat, but I didn’t want anything except for Spam.
We had to find Spam now. If we didn’t find some in less than
24 hours, we would die for sure. There was no turning back.

Just when we were about to turn back, Chris told me he
had a faint Spam signal on the radar. We celebrated by
licking the empty Spam can. The longer we traveled, the
stronger the signal became. It got real hot. When Chris
told me the air conditioner had broken under the strain, I
barely heard him. We would be finding Spam soon, and that
was all that mattered. I could almost feel that slimy meat
replica going down my throat. “The Spam readings have shot
off the scale. We should be finding the mother lode any time
now,” Chris told me. Suddenly we broke through a shell into
a large chamber. A great aroma overcame us. It was Spam!

“The instruments tell me that huge ball is two things.
One, it is the very core of the Earth. Two, it is pure
Spam,” Chris said in a state of awe.

At that very moment, a small ball of moldy Spam flew
over my head. “Mold — did you see mold? I didn’t know that
stuff ever went bad,” I said to Chris. Then I spotted what
had shot the ball at us. Two cats were evidently guarding
the core. They were shooting catapults at us, but luckily
they were bad shots. A closer look made us think that their
cataracts had to do with it than luck, though. We paid them
off with some catnip, so they let us pass. We grabbed a big
chunk of Spam and headed back for the complex.

When we got back, there was a huge celebration in honor
of our Spam discovery. The crowd began chanting for a
victory speech, so I gave them one. “Yo, Adrienne, I
achieved Spamness.” – By Damon Heitland Of Ada, OK

The Monty Python Sketch – SPAM

Cut to a cafe. All the customers are Vikings. Mr. and
Mrs. Bun enter — downwards.

Mr. Bun: Morning.
Waitress: Morning.
Mr. Bun: What have you got, then?
Waitress: Well, there’s egg and bacon; egg, sausage and
bacon; egg and spam; egg, bacon and spam; egg,
bacon, sausage and spam; spam, bacon, sausage and
spam; spam, egg, spam, spam, spam, spam, baked
beans, spam, spam, spam, and spam; or lobster
thermidor aux crevettes with a mornay sauce
garnished with truffle pate, brandy and a fried egg
on top and spam.
Mrs. Bun: Have you got anything without spam in it?
Waitress: Well, there’s spam, egg, sausage and spam. That’s
not got much spam in it.
Mrs. Bun: I don’t want any spam.
Mr. Bun: Why can’t she have egg, bacon, spam and sausage?
Mrs. Bun: That’s got spam in it!
Mr. Bun: Not as much as spam, egg, sausage and spam.
Mrs. Bun: Look, could I have egg, bacon, spam and sausage
without the spam?
Waitress: Uuuuuuuggggh!
Mrs. Bun: What do you mean uuuuuggggh?! I don’t like SPAM!
Vikings: Spam, spam, spam, spam, spam … spam, spam, spam,
spam, spam … lovely spam, wonderful spam …
Waitress: Shut up. Shut up! Shut up! You can’t have egg,
bacon spam, and sausage without the spam.
Mrs. Bun: Why not?
Waitress: No, it wouldn’t be egg, bacon, spam and sausage,
would it?
Mrs. Bun: I don’t like SPAM!
Mr. Bun: Don’t make a fuss, dear. I’ll have your spam. I
love it. I’m having spam, spam, spam, spam,
spam…
Vikings: Spam, spam, spam, spam …
Mr. Bun: … baked beans, spam, spam, and spam.
Waitress: Baked beans are off.
Mr. Bun: Well can I have spam instead?
Waitress: You mean spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam,
spam, spam and spam?
Vikings: … spam, spam, spam, spam…
Mr. Bun: Yes.
Waitress: Arrrrgh!
Vikings: … lovely spam, wonderful spam …
Waitress: Shut up! Shut up!

A Hungarian enters.

Hungarian:Great boobies huneybun, my lower intestine is full
of spam, egg, spam, bacon, spam, tomato, spam…
Vikings: Spam, spam, spam, spam…
Waitress: Shut up!
Hungarian:My nipples explode…

Cut to a historian.

Historian:Another great viking victory was at the Green
Midget cafe at Bromley. Once again the Viking
strategy was the same. They sailed from these
fiords here, assembled at Trondheim and wated for
the strong north-easterly winds to blow their oaken
galleys to England whence they sailed on May 23rd.
Once in Bromley they assembled in the Green Midget
cafe and spam selecting a spam particular spam item
from the spam menu would spam, spam, spam, spam,
spam…
Vikings: Spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam … lovely
spam, wonderful spam … spam, spam, spam, spam,
spam … lovely spam, wonderful spam …

Mr. and Mrs. Bun rise into the air.

CREDITS ROLL

Monty Python’s Flying Circus
was conceived, written and spam performed by

Spam Terry Jones
Michael Spam Palin
John Spam Cleese
Graham Spam Spam
Spam Chapman
Eric Spam egg and Chips Idle
Terry Spam Sausage Spam
Egg Spam Gilliam
Also Appearing On Toast
The Fred Tomlinson Spam Egg Chips And Singers
Research Patricia Houlihan and Sausage
Make-Up Penny Penny Penny and Spam Norton
Costumes Egg Baked Beans Sausage And Tomato, Oh,
And Hazer Pethig Too
Animations By Terry (Egg On Face) Gilliam
Film Cameraman James (Spam Sausage Egg And Tomato)
Balfour (Not Sundays)
Film Editor Ray (Fried Slice and Golden Three Delicious
Millichope (Spam Extra)
Sound Chips Sausage Liverwurse, pheasant, spam
newsagents, chips, and Peter Rose
Lighting Otis (Spam’s Off Dear) Eddy
Designer Robert Robert Robert Robert Berk And Tomato
Produced By Ian (mixed Grill) Macnaughton 7/6d
BBC SPAM TV
Service Not Included

“Here is my list of demands.”

“I’m sorry, but plutonium is kinda hard to find.”

“Oh, that. You can just substitute Spam!”

-Night Court

Spamalope: “Fast as fast can be, no one will DARE to
EAT ME!”
– Mix Of The Far Side And Raphael
Dareau’s Parody Of A Famous Phrase
On America’s Funniest People.

“Isn’t it true that the state of Nebraska is entirely
made up of Spam?”
– Dave Barry, Bangor Daily News.

BACK TO NOVA

Laecretius, a fine and powerful sorcerer, was running
level 14 in Avatar, roasting and toasting monsters like all
fine young sorcerers do, and was having fun making the
millions that he usually does, when all of a sudden he ran
into something called Ninja. Ninja did not appreciate
Laecretius teleporting into his room and awakening him from
his nap, and instantly took out his Ginsu knives and sliced
through Laecretius like the tin cans in the commercials.
Laecretius yelled out “OH SPAM”, fell to the floor, and
promptly died. These words that he yelled were echoed around
the walls of the dungeon and were actually amplified so that
the entire dungeon heard his last words before Laecretius’s
total demise. Within the next few minutes, the conversations
between warriors, magicians, thieves, etc, were about Spam
and it happened so fast that it made people dizzy when they
were finally subjected to the concept. People kept talking
about their favorite items, but they wondered what it would
be like if those particular items were made of Spam, for
example, Helmet Of Spam. However, this topic was not totally
liked, as people got sick of it rather quickly and yelled out
“No more SPAM!” before they turned off their ability to
receive messages of any kind from any other player of any
kind, especially those characters that belonged to Raphael
Dareau, the creator of the new NovaNET concept.

As soon as alpert t became involved, KOR and SPAM became
one and acted like a single unit.

After the creation of the Spam phrases and the Nova
concept of it, it began to spread at a rate that could not
have been predicted by anyone. It overflowed not only
AVATAR, but Nova itself and the local Bangor BBS’s.

Meanwhile, in a galaxy far away, Felix stood on the
bridge of his Imperial StarShip watching over his dominion.
His executive officer was monitoring the status of the
portals of the other universes while Felix sat in his
Captain’s chair for the purpose of looking important. After
all, there was not much to do as he had an iron fist over
CERL and there was nothing that anyone could do about it.

Finally, he felt like he should give an order to make
himself look important.

“Lieutenant Jones, would you please open a hailing
frequency to Grog’s Pizza and have them beam up 21 large
grease bombs to go?”

“Aye-aye, sir.”

Suddenly, the red alert alarms came on and a huge vessel
appeared and fired. Felix’s Imperial StarShip shook wildly.
Felix’s Tactical Officer then announced, “Incoming Vessel
from the NOVA portal! Sensors indicate it is powered by a
improbability drive!”

Then pink blobs came out of a torpedo tube of the enemy
vessel and began to stick onto the Imperial StarShip.

“Sensors indicate no damage from the objects, however,
they are creating excess mass on our hull, decreasing our
maneuverability. The objects appear to be made of a Spam
like substance.”

“Fire all available weapons.”, Felix ordered.

Powerful weapons lanced out into space but the other
ships shields absorbed all of the energy quite nicely.

“Incoming Message from the Enemy Vessel.”

“On screen.”, Felix said with a sigh.

“Don’t be alarmed, Mr. Orotony. Be very very afraid.”

Felix kept firing, hoping that one of his phasers or
torpedoes would knock out Merlin’s main power source, a cup
of tea, but all attempts failed. Theo destroyed the Imperial
StarShip with a slingshot that was armed with a keg of Spam
and Felix’s vessel became a bowl of petunias and they sighed,
“Not again!” before being destroyed by the flick of a sperm
whales tail. However, Felix escaped in his trusty pod and
headed back to Magrathea, which is an incredible clone to
=pad. With the Spamalope, Merlin kept bombarding the planet
with his Spam missiles and The Hitchhiker’s Guide To The
Galaxy, causing CERL to collect a fleet to destroy this
nuisance. However, much of CERL was too far away to actually
kill this person, so they offered high powers to him if he
was to leave =pad alone. He agreed, but CERL squeezed out of
the agreement, which encouraged Merlin, who was eventually
joined by Raphael Dareau and Gecko (Thanatos). However, this
portal was the only way to affect CERL and things from NOVA
could not exist long within the alternate universe therefore
the attacks did not maintain themselves.

However, 21 large pizzas mysteriously appeared within
Nova on a Thursday.

Spam found several domains within the NovaNET world. It
resided not only in AVATAR and =pad, but it found it’s
homebase within =purgatory, a notesfile that was quite like
=pad, but it was locally based by Raphael Dareau and was
known to have been somewhat of a success, as people actually
used it. =Pad was the location of the portal that went to
CERL, and Merlin frequently slung Spam into the Portal, not
only hitting Felix and his Imperial StarShip, but he hit
countless innocents as well. Then once CERL devised the
ultimate defense, the Spam Shields and Death Threats, phrases
were tossed out into the portals from sources such as Monty
Python’s Flying Circus, The HitchHikers Guide To The Galaxy,
and Star Trek. The Star Trek itself was not regarded as bad,
more of a sugar coating over the rest of the material that
came through. The Death Threats did not work though, and the
Spam Shields eventually eroded under the weight.

However, the term “slinging” became quite popular, and
the Pro-Spam people became to be known as “The Slingers Of
The Spam.”

Then things became worse when many slingers were given
higher powers on NovaNET. These higher powers were known as
“meauthor”.

Then a few celebrations occurred. The Thomasrino and
Merlin decided to cook a can of Spam at midnight at Merlin’s
house. The smell quickly engulfed the entire house, causing
Merlin’s Parental Unit to be resurrected to a state of
consciousness. She quickly went to the head of the stairs
and yelled “What IS that AWFUL smell?” As last report, it
took 3 days to remove the essence of the Spam-Cookathon.

Months went by. Then the Great Felixmeister, who had
recovered enough funds to rebuild his Imperial StarShip,
decided that he would extend more powers over more of
NovaNET. He took firm control of Avatar, and then decided to
change the entire look with the current version at CERL. He
created monsters in the game that would finish the entire
game, and people made suicide runs to the lowest part of the
game and they quickly got toasted by Astral Traveller or by
some other nasty. (Laecretius got toasted by Scubbi for 2881
damage, which killed him too fast to enable him to yell “Oh
Spam.”) Then the game became different in the mass transport
from CERL to NOVA. However, Spam at this time began to
overflow into real-life in the Bangor area of Maine. Murph,
Schultz, Winn, and a few others were hit the hardest, as the
Slingers Of The Spam visited within their domain, a little
place in Orono called CAPS, a truly marvelous place that you
would not like to see. NOVA overlapped this place, and
people frequently went here to use Nova en masse, creating
huge groups of Characters to go down into the dungeon of
AVATAR to make money. One such group was called =zhentarim,
a group that was in direct competition with =warlond.
=Warlond was headed by the mysterious Murphy S/Umaine, who
for some reason vanished quickly after the Incident in
Revelations.

Murph and Schultz in particular, became quite annoyed at
the visits of The Slingers Of The Spam, and Schultz, who ran
the head-Warlock at the time, announced universally, “NO
WARLOCK SHALL EAT SPAM!”, not that they really paid any
attention. Murph bombarded the group by asking them: Do you
have any thing else better to do?/Do you have homes?/I’ll pay
you $5 if you go home RIGHT NOW. Raphael Dareau retaliated
with Merlin and Gecko acting as shields. However, the CAPS
group did have hearts, and decided that perhaps that if they
rescued these souls from the afterlife when they died in
AVATAR, that they might concede to their ideas. This never
happened however.

Then the Gods Of NovaNET got together in a conference
about the entire ordeal on Nova. They took special attention
to the course that the Spam ideals were taking, and they
decided it was much more obtrusive than anything that had
occurred. They decided to take action, showing these pitiful
people that they could me much more OBTRUSIVE than anything
else in the world. After they had completed this, they were
delighted with the results. They had made CERL and NOVA one
whole and complete Universe, taking away the breathing Space
that the Slingers Of The Spam had. Besides, this action
saved them $1 million a year, because it was very hard to
clean CERL from all the soiling the Slung-Spam had caused
them.

It was at this time in history that Raphael Dareau
to coin the phrase, “I’d like to change your mind…by
hitting it with a rock…”

Then it happened. Judgement Day.

The Debmeister swooped back down to the Earth and began
to attack people again, like the last time, but this time for
keeps. Again, Jim Troutman remained unaffected, as all blows
and such things that caused most of the other people on the
System to die remained ineffective. Indeed, few people
remained. Raphael Dareau survived, but barely. Murph, Winn,
and Schultz still survived. Leonardo still survives also.
Then, Debbe sucked all the ports out of existence, cutting
many contacts. A few of these people had signons, but they
had no way to use them — except for the rare occasion that
the fabric of the local universe wears thin and the Nova
universe is visible through the crack in the fabric.

Then Spam slowly began to fizzle out. However, before
it lost more of it’s sight, Raphael Dareau, Merlin, and Gecko
found out that Spam Pizza was not wholely bad (Even though
Gecko wanted his stomach pumped for a second time.), that
Merlin’s Parental Unit can be made to evaculate the house
quickly and more efficently than ever imagined. The Boy’s
locker room at Orono High School has a piece of Spam hidden
in the panels at the top of the ceiling — which has been
there since November 3rd, 1991 (The Rats Haven’t Touched It
Yet.) — and Gecko had to do this to keep his parents from
poking and staring at it all of the time in the freezer.
Merlin also discovered a Can Of Spam in a stocking on
Christmas morning, which his Mom and his sister thought was
hilarious, until Merlin threated to cook it then and there.
The Spam Incident happened at the John Bapst Library, where
three members of the Anti-Spam (Leo, Don and the Sexman) took
a can of Spam that Raphael Dareau brought in, and threw it
across the entire room, causing the can to split when it hit
the floor, causing a horid smell and mess. The library still
smells like Spam to this day. (And the librarian thinks it
is a new wood cleaner.) Gecko has chased several teachers
away with just the mentioning of Spam. And finally, the
Thomasrino has decided to become Anti-Spam.

However, a prophet on top of King’s Mountain decided
that it was written in the stars that Spam would make a
comeback some day in the near future, that is, if Eloise
Daniels doesn’t make it completely as a Cartoon Superhero
with Dan Quayle.

The Slingers Of The Spam wait for its return…

However there are those who believe that Spam has
changed into another form. One of thses forms that it is
believed to had becomed is that of a IBM computer program
called TriTel. Tritel, however, resembled KOR more than it
resembles Spam, but this may not be entirely true. The only
real simularity between Spam and TriTel is that is was made
almost by the same way.

M.G. was working on his latest BBS program, which for
some reason did not seem to be working at the time, but he
spend many sleepless nights working on this program, a
supposed replacement for many BBS types. However, after many
times debugging the program, he finally was satified with the
package. It was at this time that he and Mutant Slime
decided it was time to give the program life. M.G. placed
the TriTel disk on a bench, and put electrical wires on the
disk and clamped them to the media. Then after clearing the
immediate area, Mark threw a huge switch, causing electricity
from Bangor Hydro to flow into the disk. Then the disk began
to move and Mutant Slime announced, “It’s ALIVE!!”

Indeed, at that point, TriTel was born, and it began to
spread in almost the same exact way as Spam did, but on a
grander scale. Within 2 months, people in Europe heard about
TriTel and began to use it. But unlike Spam, TriTel’s growth
did not reach the “deadly plateau”, but it kept growing.
However, people decided that TriTel was not wholely KOR, as
it is editable, unlike KOR.

Several recipies were made involving triTel, but to
conserve space, we ask that you look at “How To Eat TriTel”,
written by the same author as this publication.

Or was it?

If you hate these texts, you probabally won’t like these
ones either:

y The Story Of Spam
y The Story Of Spam, Volume 2
y The Story Of Spam, Volume 3
y How To Eat TriTel
y Story Of TriTel
y Adventures Of Eloise Daniels the HEROINE.

0

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Disclaimer

This is The Story Of Spam as recalled from a time not so
long ago, even though some people wish it was. The contents
of the following text can confuse and mangle the fabric of
peoples minds, so be warned. Most of the following is sadly
true, but it did mark a permanent mark in a few peoples
lives. This is the tale on how it all began.

Enjoy this text!
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Working late one night in 1937 in his secret labratory,
Jay Hormel had a deadline lurking. He worked at the Hormel
Meat Company and he had several thousand extra pounds of pork
shoulder that he did not know what to do with – and he had to
find something to do with all this extra meat before it
rotted. He then began to mix different products into the
meat and then a big black puff of smoke came up from the
mixture and Jay averted his eyes from the sight. When he did
finally look, a huge cubical piece of meat came into
existence. He tasted the product, which seemed to taste a
bit odd, but it had possibilities. Then then began to market
it as Hormel Luncheon Meat, which was as lame as the word
“hip.” Because of this lame name, a emergency meeting was
held and the President Of Hormel offered $100 for a person to
come up with a catchy name. Several minutes of pondering
when on. Then finally, Kenneth Daigneau stood up, yelled
“SPAM” and ran down the hallway. Surprised, yet quick to
adapt, the luncheon meat was dubbed “SPAM” and it began to
spread to its current modern definition – A meat substance
that is consumed at the rate of 3.8 cans per second.

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Laecretius, who lived in the continous realm of Avatar,
was a relatively powerful sorcerer and enjoyed his life of
roasting and toasting monsters like all fine young sorcerers
do. He ran level 14 with pride, despite the wise words of
those who knew better – he kept on roasting and toasting
monsters like any fine young and relatively powerful sorcerer
does. Then one fine day, while teleporting to the level he
loved best (14, of course!), he teleported into a Ninja
encounter. Ninja was a formidable opponent when the player
had all the upper advantages, but this time the Ninja was
prepared as he came out of hiding and cut Laecretius in two
before Laecretius knew what was going on. Laecretius thudded
to the floor of the dungeon and yelled out “OH SPAM” before
his mortal wound caught up with him. These words bounced off
the walls of Avatar and many people heard of these words.

The people that did hear these words, like the people at
Hormel, were surprised, but still quick to adapt, and began
to spread the word of SPAM and began to assimilate it into
their normal language. For two hours straight after the word
of SPAM was leaked, people continously babbled about it.
Phrases such as “Your ear is filled with SPAM” and “You were
teleported in solid SPAM.” and began to think of such items
such as “Wand Of Spam” and “Helmet Of Spam”. The people who
did not think that this was a positive thing to talk about
shouted, “No MORE SPAM.”, joined the Anti-Spam Legion, shut
off their ability to receive messages from other players, and
continued their existance. The people that began to enjoy
the entire concept joined the Spam, and continueed on with
their daily routines. The people who just did not care
joined the Neutral Luncheon Meat (which split into groups
like Bologna, MeatLoaf, and The Rabid Children, but these
groups did not last long.) which acted like a apathetic
society. However, these Anti-Spam groups could not stop the
inevitable filling of Avatar with SPAM. It began to take
over the game and people’s E-message topics. Then it soon
overflowed into other parts of NovaNET and began to spread at
an uncontrolable rate.

After overflowing to the AUTHOR prompt, it then moved
over to =pad. =Pad was the most popular and most widely read
notesfile in existance on Nova and Cerl. Soon, Spam became
one of the many commonly used topics in Pad and it then began
to overflow to CERL, thanks to the System Link. The CERL
people, who were godly to the entire system, found this
concept in the notes that they read and they generally did
not like and enjoy it, and soon after reading the 1,000th
note about it, they began to send out death threats to the
Slingers Of The Spam, which is what they were now called
instead of the Spam, which was a dull name like Hormel
Luncheon Meat. Merlin, who frequented =pad, began to sling
Spam at the Felixmeister, who seemed to hate the entire
concept from the beginning, freshly every day and got several
people in the crossfire. These people did not enjoy it and
joined the people of CERL in their attempts to keep The
Slingers Of The Spam quiet. The people at CERL began to
realize that death threats were not threatening enough and
none of them had enough money to fly to Maine therefore they
began to try and bribe the Slingers Of The Spam with high
level signons. However, they failed because they could not
pull through with their end of the deal, and this just
encouraged these Slingers to double their efforts. Pretty
soon, SPAM found its home base. These places were called
TalkLine, =spam, and =purgatory. =Purgatory was the =pad of
Maine, and soon became popular between the Slingers, Antis,
and the Neutrals alike. However, this ended up to be the
main babbling point, which inevitably included SPAM.
TalkLine was a babbling point also designed for people to
just babble at each other live. Version 3 – 5 of this
program proved to do this quite well and soon replaced
confcall and TalkoMatic – which also meant that the focal
point of NovaSex was moved as well on the Spam side of
things. =Spam, created by Merlin, was the real place were
people sling Spam. Every note in there for a good solid two
months were about the meat and people soon left this for
=purgatory, which had a little more variety in luncheon
meats. TalkLine was abandoned by a few because they were
quite annoyed because a new version of the program was
practically written every week – and when it did work
properly, people were being obtrusive to each other because
they continued to use the TERM-boot option, which had the
ability to remove anyone from the lesson – and for some
reason people did not like to be removed from a lesson when
they are having a hearty conversation with another person.

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Several months went by and then the great Felixmeister
announced that a new Avatar was about to be born. Many
people panicked and began to give away very useful items for
little or no price. Then the change happened, a new realm of
Avatar was born, and many people thought that the slinging of
the Spam would end with the death of the old Avatar.
However, that statement was incorrect and Spam was brought
back to Avatar and coused the Anti-Spam to revolt more. This
sudden revolt caused the Spam to revolt more. Things in
general, however, were a bit more discreet than when Spam
first come out and conflicts were more localized. It was
during this time when Murph walked into =purgatory, fed up
with the SPAM concept, and uttered with his non-existant lips
at the top of his voice, “NO WARLOCK SHALL EAT SPAM.” Many
people pondered with interest and confusion. Shortly after
he yelled this, Merlin, joined by NovaTeflon and Raphael
Dareau (who were leaders of the Slingers Of The Spam), began
to make frequent trips to CAPS, where NovaNETers like Murph
where known to frequent. Soon, in a fit of agony, Murph
uttered out at 3 in the morning, “Who in the HELL started
this ***! SPAM thing.” The real culprit, Raphael Dareau,
began to sulk in his chair and continued to play Epigoni, one
of the Spam characters in Avatar. The main Slinger Of Spam,
Merlin, laughed out loud evilily and said he was. Murph
agreed that he was a likely candidate for doing such a thing.
NovaTeflon just remained passive and pointed to Theo. It was
also a common fact that when Murph began to become irratated
with the Slingers Of The Spam “living” at Neville Hall, he
began to ask, “Don’t you guys have HOMES.” They just
replied, “No, and continueed to sling Spam.”

And then life went on as usual with Spam.

Until…

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One hot and lazy day when no one was expecting it, The
Debmeister swooped down from her own universe and instantly
sucked all the NovaNET ports out of existance, which was the
cause of the collapse of the local universe around Bangor,
Maine. The people who frequented NovaNET were in shock,
suffered NovaNET withdrawls, and began to go increadably
insane before recovering. However, with the collapse of the
universe, Spam somehow survived. This time it spread to
other forms such as BBS Electronic Mail and then it spread to
actual life things. The Slingers Of The Spam groups began to
organize at JBMHS and Orono High School, which a few people
did not understand, but were forced to accept the ideas.
Many BBS’s began to overflow with Spam, much like Avatar did,
and then it became obtrusive to the Anti-Spam. It became
MUCH worse when The Electra Byte came into existance and
surported a few things that Nova had. One of these things is
that more than one person could use the System at a time.
This allowed for the Slingers Of The Spam to be obtrusive to
others live, just like NovaNET offered. Many people liked
the ideas, others hated it. This went on as usual life and
it fluctuated in and out of existance and life went on in its
usual cycle. Gorgon joined the SPAM group and began to yell
everytime he appeared, “It is Raph, the SpamMan with all the
answers.” This got on the Anti-Spam nerves and they just
began to leave Electra Byte BBS every time they heard this.
You could even hear their footsteps as they ran down the
hallway. Then NovaTeflon decided to run a local Bangor BBS
to increase his obtrusiveness in the local area, and it did
prove to be very obtrusive.

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On May 18th, 1990, was the infamous Spam festival that
was held in Minnesota. The luncheon meat was featured in
many different ways – a luncheon that featured a “all you can
eat” Spam Breakfast for $1.99. Also, there was Spam
sandwitches for 99 cents as well as Spam Pizza and Spam
submarine sandwiches.

Also, there was the Spam eating contest where
contestants will be times as they ate a 7-ounce can of Spam.
Only fingers were allowed, no utensils, and the only thing
they could drink was a 7 ounce glass of water. There was
also a Spam sculpting contest, in which artists could show
their favorite median to work in. Also the jamboree featured
the Spam recipe contest, with live bands, cicycle and foot
races. Also, A Spam King and Queen was chosen.

Other noteworthy things about Spam that is not so known
are:

* Margaret Thatcher ate it for Christmas dinner in 1943.

* Nikita Khrushchev called it the only thing to keep the
Soviet Army alive.

* It is sold in more thant 50 countries.

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Many noteworthy things in the history of Spam has
occured in recent months around the Bangor Area. On the Last
Day of something called High School, Raphael Dareau brought
in a can of Spam at a tournament. The Anti-Spam at this
School, which consisted with Leo, Don, and the Sexman, called
foul and took the can and tossed it across the school library
where it promptly split open and spread all over the place.
As soon as the can split, the library began to fill with the
noticeable smell of Spam – which the library still smells
like to this day. Finally, a person decided that they should
clean up the meat before it rotted in the library.

In another corner of the Universe, NovaTeflon began to
spread it around their High School where it was somewhat more
accepted than it was at Raphael’s side of the universe.
However, a few people still did not accept the idea. Indeed,
one teacher in the middle of a study hall heard NovaTeflon
and yelled out, “No MORE SPAM!” and ran down the hallway as
fast as she could. Since then, there has been surprisingly
very little people in that part of the universe that is part
of the Anti-Spam. For what it exists there, all we know is
that the organization as we know it revolves around someone
called the Thomasrino, also a fellow NovaNETer, but for some
reason, probabally due to the destruction of the Matt Thomas
Era, did not witness the birth of this new concept.

A few nights later, Merlin and a person who wishes to
remain unknown, was up at midnight cooking some of the meat.
The smell began to immediately engulf the entire house and
within a matter of minutes, his mother woke up due to the
smell, walked down the stairs and asked, “Theo, what IS that
stuff you are cooking?” “Spam”, he replied. His Mom turned
a greenish color, said “That’s Nice” and went back to bed.
But she was obviously not a happy camper.

If you can recall that in the earlier volumes of The
Story Of Spam that was the last thing to occur in Spam
History, we now will tell you that more events have occured.
On one fine November day this year, NovaTeflon, Merlin, and
Raphael Dareau got together and began to be obtrusive with
Spam again. With the power of the three-some, they broke the
barrier that the Debmeister had made for 25 minutes and they
visited =purgatory again. However, it was not filled with
Spam – it was just there with hardly anything new in there.
However, within its deep archives was notes about the
luncheon meat which still existed, as well as details about
“Let’s Watch Abner Dodge The Dodge.” and “The Top Ten List Of
Things I Will Have To Run Over Before I Get My Driver’s List”
by Raphael Dareau. Just on a tangent, Raphael Dareau has
only run over 3 of the 10 things in that list. And in
=purgatory, it is of interest to note that this is where
Leonardo Borowski came, left, came again, left again, came
back again, left again, and then came back again.

Back to the story, the latest Spam incident was that
around 4pm one fine Saturday in November, 1991, was that
Raphael Dareau, NovaTeflon, and Merlin were getting hungry
and decided to have something to eat. They walked down the
closest story, via Eyeballs house, and picked up 2 cheese
pizzas, a can of Spam, and 4 liters of a dull Orange soda.
They then fried the Spam at Merlin’s house, again filling the
house with the smell, which caused Merlin’s parental unit to
abandon the house for several hours, and then layered the
cheese pizza with Spam. They then took the final product,
took it into Merlin’s living room and began to consume the
product while watching Doctor Who. Everything seemed to be
all right except that everyone lost track of time and then
they remembered that they had to leave Merlin’s house soon.
However, everything was not lost as NovaTeflon collected two
slices of left-over Spam and took it for the purposes of
Slinging at school. Raphael Dareau and NovaTeflon left
Merlin’s house and walked to his house, where Raphael’s ride
was waiting. Then, according to legend, NovaTeflon put the
slices of Spam in the freezer, where his parental units could
stare at it, poke at it, wonder what it is made of, etc.
However, we do not know yet what results came about when
NovaTeflon slung the Spam at school. That will be covered in
The Story Of Spam, Volume IV.

This is the entire current history that had been brought
up to date as of November 3rd, 1991. We hoped that you
enjoyed the text, despite its length. If you have anything
to add to the story, either stick your head in a bucket of
pihrana fish, or contact either Merlin, Raphael Dareau, or
NovaTeflon. You can find these three at CAPS or on the local
BBS’s. Also, Raphael Dareau has been known to invade
pizzarias that have the speciality of pepperoni and Spam
pizzas.
ZDDDDDDDDDDD?
3 Chapter 7 3
@DDDDDDDDDDDY

We will conclude this story with the TRUE story of Spam,
as known by the BBC and Monty Python.

Cut to a cafe. All the customers are Vikings. Mr. and
Mrs. Bun enter — downwards.

Mr. Bun: Morning.

Waitress: Morning.

Mr. Bun: What have you got, then?

Waitress: Well, there’s egg and bacon; egg, sausage and
bacon; egg and spam; egg, bacon and spam; egg, bacon, sausage
and spam; spam, bacon, sausage and spam; spam, egg, spam,
spam, bacon and spam; spam, spam, spam, egg and spam; spam,
spam, spam, spam, baked beans, spam, spam, spam, and spam; or
lobster thermidor aux crevettes with a mornay sauce garnished
with truffle pate, brandy and a fried egg on top and spam.

Mrs. Bun: Have you got anything with spam in it?

Waitress: Well, there’s spam, egg, sausage and spam. That’s
not got much spam in it.

Mrs. Bun: I don’t want any spam.

Mr. Bun: Why can’t she have egg, bacon, spam and sausage?

Mrs. Bun: That’s got spam in it!

Mr. Bun: Not as much as spam, egg, sausage and spam.

Mrs. Bun: Look, could I have egg, bacon, spam and sausage
without the spam?

Waitress: Uuuuuuugggggh!

Mrs. Bun: What do you mean uuuuugggggh! I don’t like SPAM!

Vikings: Spam, spam, spam, spam, spam … spam, spam, spam,
spam, spam … lovely spam, wonderful spam…

Waitress: Shut up. Shut up! Shut up! You can’t have egg,
bacon, spam and sausage without the spam.

Mrs. Bun: Why not?

Waitress: No, it wouldn’t be egg, bacon, spam and sausage,
would it?

Mrs. Bun: I don’t like SPAM!

Mr. Bun: Don’t make a fuss, dear. I’ll have your spam. I
love it. I’m having spam, spam, spam, spam, spam…

Vikings: Spam, spam, spam, spam…

Mr. Bun: …baked beans, spam, spam and spam.

Waitress: Baked beans are off.

Mr. Bun: Well can I have spam instead?

Waitress: You mean spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam,
spam, spam and spam?

Vikings: …spam, spam, spam, spam….

Mr. Bun: Yes.

Waitress: Arrrggh!

Vikings: … lovely spam, wonderful spam…

Waitress: Shut up! Shut up!

A Hungarian enters.

Hungarian: Great boobies honeybun, my lower intestine is full
of spam, egg, spam, bacon, spam, tomato, spam…

Vikings: Spam, spam, spam, spam…

Waitress: Shut up!

Hungarian: My nipples explode….

Cut to an historian…

Historian: Another great Viking victory was at the Green
Midget cafe at Bromley. Once again the Viking strategy was
the same. They sailed from these fiords here, assembled at
Trondheim and waited for the strong north-easterly winds to
blow their oaken galleys to England whence they sailed on May
23rd. Once in Bromley they assembled in the Green Midget
cafe and spam selecting a spam particular spam item from the
spam menu would spam, spam, spam, spam, spam…

Vikings: Spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam …
lovely spam, wonderful spam…spam, spam, spam, spam, spam…
lovely spam, wonderful spam…

Mr. and Mrs. Bun rise into the air.

Credits Roll:

Monty Python’s Flying Curcus
was conceived, written and spam performed by
Spam Terry Jones
Michael Spam Palin
John Spam John Spam
John Spam Cleese
Graham Spam Spam
Spam Chapman
Eric Spam egg and Chips Idle
Terry Spam Sausage Spam
Egg Spam Gilliam
Also Appearing On Toast:
The Fred Tomlinson Spam Egg Chips and Singers
Research Patricia Houlihan and Sausage
Make-Up Penny Penny Penny and Spam Norton
Costumes Egg Baked Beans Sausage And Tomato, Oh,
And Hazer Pethig Too
Animations By Terry (Egg On Face) Gilliam
Film Cameraman James (Spam Sausage Egg And Tomato)
Balfour (Not Sundays)
Film Editor Ray (Fried Slice and Golden Three Delicious)
Millichope (Spam Extra)
Sound Chips Sausage Liverwurst, pheasant, spam
newsagents, chips, and Peter Rose
Lighting Otis (Spam’s Off Dear) Eddy
Designer Robert Robert Robert Robert Berk And Tomato
Produced By Ian (mixed Grill) Macnaughton 7/6d
BBC SPAM TV
Service Not Included

ZDDDDDDDDDDDDD?
3 Final Notes 3
@DDDDDDDDDDDDDY

Other Texts:

* The Story Of Spam
* The Story Of Spam, Volume Two
* The Story Of Spam, Volume Three
* The Story Of TriTel
* The Story Of TriTel, Volume Two
* How To Eat TriTel

ZDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD?
3 Another Dull BBS Ad 3
@DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDY

=Purgatory BBS – Located In Orono, Maine.
(207)-866-2399 SysOp: Thanatos
Co-Sysops: Raphael Dareau and FSO

0

ZDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD?
3The Story Of Spam – Volume Two3
@DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDY

This is the story of Spam as remembered from a time not
so long ago…And this is how it all began…

One day in a multi-player game called Avatar,
Laecretius, a fine and powerful sorcerer was running one of
the lower levels of the game and roasting and toasting
monsteres like all fine young sorcerers do. Then he ran into
Ninja — which instantly trashed Laecretius. However, before
dying, Laecretius managed to utter “OH SPAM!” before hitting
the floor. All those in the game heard this cry; although
they were completely caught off guard, they managed to adapt
and began to spread the legend of Spam. It went through many
changes of its form within that day from “Wand Of Spam” all
the way to “You were teleported in solid SPAM” were heard.
Pretty soon, chaos broke out in Avatar as characters began to
yell out their favorite Avatar items — and briefly mentioned
that they were made of Spam such as “Helmet Of Spam” and
“Spam Bracers”. Soon after three hours of this, the people
who played the game seriously began to become very annoyed
and uttered, “No MORE SPAM!” before turning off the ability
to recieve the messages from other players. Although this
stopped the Spam slinging for the day…it did not stop it.
In fact, the slinging of the Spam just had begun. It
continued in Avatar upon unsuspecting characters and players
and in several notesfile. Soon, even the great Felixmeister
began to hear of the Legend Of Spam, and as soon as that
happened, it was confirmed that Nova began to reproduce the
luncheon meat.

Then Felixmeister the Great zapped the great Avatar game
from existance and put in a so called “new and improved”
version of the game — and when he deleted the game, he took
the characters that we knew and loved with it. However, this
did not cause the death of the Legend Of Spam. It continued
to spread via the famous words of Raphael Dareau, Crunch,
Merlin, AIESHA, HAMMERCROM, Irongrond, Beth. All the others
that slung the spam are just insignifigant. Soon the game of
Avatar Mark II began to immediately fill with Spam. It
filled up so much it overflowed into other games and other
NovaNET groups such as NHS and RVELKS. Soon all of
Cherryfield, Maine, and Springerville, Arizona, heard of Spam
via a legendary program called TalkLine, written by none
other than Raphael Dareau and Merlin. TalkLine, in
combination with it’s notesfile =purgatory, made Spam history
as it began to spread faster than anyone expected. Merlin
created the notesfile =spam and linked it with =purgatory.
Pretty soon Spam overflowed TalkLine, =purgatory, and =spam
and went straight for the heart of =pad.

=Pad is considered to be the most important and most
read notesfile in existance on NovaNET. And Spam began to
spread through there faster than a lawyer goes to a scene of
an accident. Pretty soon, it became a everyday occurance for
Merlin to sling Spam at the great Felixmeister — who
regretted every minute of it. Pretty soon everyone in =pad
got annoyed at Merlin’s Spam slinging and Felix’s general
attempts at just being obtrusive back at Merin — but the
whole situation became even worse when Merlin and Crunch
began to post the entire novel “The HitchHiker’s Guide To The
Galaxy”. And as =pad was being filled, it became much worse
on Avatar. Avatar was soaked with Spam, and half the
population of the game regretted hearing the word of Spam —
and this broke the entire game into factions — The Slingers
Of The Spam, The Neutral Luncheon Meat, and the Anti-Spam.
The leaders of the Anti-Spam were jude/mainei and The Lipless
One, who declared from his non-existant lips, “No Warlock
Shall Eat Spam.” This brought on a series of events such as
frequent trips to CAPS, the place at the UM where NovaNETers
hung around. Merlin just went there to bother the great
Lipless one as well as Crunch and Raphael Dareau on occasion.
Soon, in a fit of agony, the Lipless One yelled out at 3 in
the morning, “Who in the HELL started this SPAM STUFF?”
Raphael Dareau and Merlin remained silent while Crunch had
disappeared within the Avatar dungeon in a desperate attempt
to escape. Raphael Dareau just grinned brillantly and
contined to spread his creation through Epigoni, the new
leader of the Spam Slingers. Pretty soon people began to
bribe the Slingers Of The Spam with High Powered Signons,
which did not work, and it eventually lead to death threats
from the people of CERL.

However, this was all temporary — About 3 months later
the Debmeister came out of her own universe and sucked all
the NovaNET ports from existance — causing a chain reaction
that caused the eventual collapse of the universe in Bangor,
Maine. Even though CAPS still exists it became a barren
wasteland. However, frequent collisions with the NovaNET
system do occur there through the semi-godly powers of
Merlin.

However, since the universe in Bangor was a barren
wasteland, The Slingers Of The Spam began to spread Spam in a
entirely new fashion — Through the uses of local BBS systems
and NETs which send messages to other people in the United
States. Soon Raphael Dareau, Merlin and Crunch “The Gold Is
In Your Eat But It Doesn’t Melt In Your Hands” began to
spread it through the Local BBS’s starting with Pinnacle Club
II and James Bond Hideaway. And after a period of time from
which the local universe itself was bombarded with the
concept of Spam, people began to use aliases such as
“SpamMan” and more interesting phrases were created such as
“It is Raph, the SpamMan with all the answers,” “Eat Your
Spam, Little Boy” which eventually transformed into “Eat Your
TriTel, Little Boy”, but that will become a entirely
different story (read The Story Of TriTel by Raphael Dareau).

Pretty soon Balzac came into the picture and with him
came a whole new collection of BBS’s to spread the legend of
Spam. The great one, called Electra Byte BBS, became Spam
Central as it was like Avatar in many ways — multiuser!
People there got tired of Spam and shut the messages from The
Slingers Of The Spam off, all except the few who would
actually listen.

And it was now that the Nationally Famous Spam Festival
in Minnesota took place. However, none of the Slingers Of
The Spams had enough funding to attend, but they were there
in their soul, wishing they could have been in the Spam
Sculpting Contest.

And then Spam split in two and began to spread in
different directions.

One branch went to Orono High School and another went to
John Bapst Memorial High School. Raphael Dareau, a well
known person there, began to spread it amoung his fellow
comrades. Half of them hated the entire concept and became
the Anti-Spam. A few joined The Neutral Luncheon Meat and
changed their name to just “Vienna Sausages” while Raphael
Dareau and Mike “The Gavmeister” became the eventual leaders
of the Spam inside the school community. Leo, Don and the
Sexman headed the leadership of the Anti-Spam while the
Vienna Sausage just became like a socialist society within
the John Bapst System.

This finally led to the Spam Incident, in which case
Raphael Dareau brought in a can of Spam at a local
tournament. The Anti-Spam basically called foul, broke open
the can of Spam, and engulfed the library with its odor. The
Slingers Of The Spam immediately called sacrilidge and began
to worship the Spam before a kind person decided to clean it
up before it rotted.

Back to other news, Crunch and Merlin spread it around
Orono High School and not much is known about what is
happening there — although the rumor of a teacher running
hysterically out of a classroom after Crunch bombareded her
with Spam in class…..However, the situation there is
becoming worse as factions within the school is beginning to
show. The organization of the Anti-Spam appears to be
revolving around someone called The Thomasrino.

However, our story does not end here. Raphael Dareau
and “Gav” still control the Slingers Of The Spam, Crunch and
Merlin continue spreading it through their school and other
computer networks. The last recorded event in Spam history
was that Merlin cooked a can of Spam at 12am one fine day and
woke his Mom up with the odor. She was not a happy camper.
Crunch finally began running a BBS that slings Spam freshly
every night. However, Raphael Dareau, Merlin, and Crunch (as
well as Balzac) continue to spread the legend. They continue
to find other computer networks — and you are sure if they
enter a computer network — Spam will follow them in and
contaminate the network.

THE END

0

Exported from SPITFIRE Bulletin Board System on 09-07-91 at 13:12:15!
DATE….. : 09-07-91 13:07:12
TO……. : All Users
FROM….. : Raphael Dareau
SUBJECT.. : .

The Story Of Spam

The story of Spam as remembered from a time not so long ago….

One day in a Multi-Player game called Avatar, Laecretius, a fine and
powerful sorcerer, was running one of the lower levels of the game and
roasting and toasting monsters like all fine young sorcerers do. Then he
ran into Ninja – which instantly trashed Laecretius. But before dying,
he yelled “Oh SPAM!”, and fell to the floor. The other players of the
game heard his cry. Although they were surprised, but yet quick to
adapt, the other people in the game instantly caught on to the theory and
the ideas of Spam. Spam began to spread by word of mouth as “Wand Of
Spam”, “Helm Of Spam”, “The Spam Lord hits you critically for 1 damage.”
and this went on for several hours for that day before everyone turned
off their E-messages (Everybody Messages) and that ended that for the
day. However, they kept on going via Avatar and several notesfiles.
Even the great Felixmeister heard about SPAM.

Unfortunately, the great Felixmeister zapped Avatar and put in a “new
and improved” version of the game. All the characters as we knew them
died. However, the legend of Spam did not die off. It spread by the
word of the famous words of Raphael Dareau, Crunch, AIESHA, Merlin,
HAMMERCROM, Irongrond, Beth, and the others are just insignifigant
people. Pretty soon the entire game of Avatar seperated into factions:
The Spam, The Neutral Luncheon Meat, and The Anti-Spam. Consisting of
the Anti-Spam were jude/mainei and The Lipless One, who uttered from his
non-existant lips, “No Warlock Shall Eat Spam.” Pretty soon, things got
pretty hostile on the New-Avatar and people soon got into the habit of
turning off their E-messages every time they enetered the game. Pretty
soon the worlds of =purgatory and =spam was filled with the infamous
luncheon meat. Then =pad, the most famous notesfile in existance, filled
up with Spam. Merlin kept throwing it at regular intervals at the
Felixmeister and they became very obtrusive to the general public.
Pretty soon Spam brought about the quotings of texts such as “The
Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy” within =pad, and people started to make
death threats and went as far as offering their high power sign-ons to
the Slingers Of The Spam.

However, this was all temporary, as the Debmeister swooped down from
her own universe and sucked the NovaNET ports from existance in Bangor,
Maine and therefore caused a chain reaction that caused the eventual
collapse of the universe of Bangor. However, this was not the end of the
Legend of Spam. Crunch “The Gold Is In Your Ear, And It Won’t Melt In
Your Hand” got together with Raphael Dareau and Merlin and began to
spread Spam on the local BBS’s. Spam had by now evolved from a simple
Wand Of Spam to catchy phrases such as “Eat your spam, little boy.” and
eventually brought about “Eat your TriTel, little boy.”, but that is
another story.

Pretty soon Balzac came into the picture and was absorbed by the
Jelly of The Slinging Of The Spams. Then the Electra Byte BBS popped
into existance — and encouraged the spreading of the Spam. Many people,
like in Avatar, turned off the people who continually preached about
Spam, but that did not stop the Spam. Many people began to make aliases
like SpamMan and more catchy phrases such as “It is Raph, the Spam Man
with all the answers” popped into existance.

The EB crashed and brought about the existance of a local BBS where
Spam is slung freshly every night. Many local people have spread the
legend of Spam.

However, our story doesn’t end here. The last entry in the Legend Of
Spam is that Merlin cooked Spam at midnight and woke up his mother from
her sweet beauty sleep with its odor. However, as Raphael Dareau,
Crunch, and Merlin go through other computer networks, you are certain
that Spam will follow them.

THE END

0

The following was forwarded to us from the Arpanet by Dale Amon at CMU:

From: creon@ames-nas.arpa (Creon Levit)
Date: 7 Dec 1985 1642-PST (Saturday)
Subject: Review of Soviet work in quantum nonlocality and SDI super weapons?

STRATEGIC DEFENSE STUDY GROUP
POB 26548, San Francisco, CA 94126
(415)398 6690/362 7779, 12/2/85

Memorandum for the record by J. Sarfatti.

Soviet view of quantum nonlocality and the potential for SDI super weapons.

Reference: Nonlocality in quantum physics. Soviet Physics Usp. 27(4)April 1984
(Usp Fiz Nauk 142 599-617).
by B.I. Spasski & A.V. Moskovskii of M.V. Lomonosov Moscow State University.

They say that we must distinguish two meanings of nonlocality. First, that of
microcausality in quantum field theory in which the commutator of second
quantized boson fields vanishes for faster than light space-like separation
between the two field points. The currents of spinor fields also obey
microcausality in conventional local quantum field theory. Violation of this
condition is the first meaning of nonlocality. They write:

“In this sense, one means by nonlocal theories…generalizations of quantum
field theory based on… a nonpoint interaction.”

The second sense of nonlocality is then described:

“There are..several quantum phenomena that from a classical point of view can
be interpreted as… nonlocality inherent in quantum objects….the Aharonov-
Bohm effect, the Einstein-Podolsky-Rosen paradox, the Hanbury Brown-Twiss
effect, and other phenomena… within the Copenhagen interpretation… until a
particle interacts with some classical object it does not have definite space-
time characteristics, being, as it were, simultaneously in all the regions of
space in which the wave function… is nonvanishing… the Aharonov-Bohm
effect… the behavior of a quantum object can be influenced by the existence
of a field where the probability of finding a particle is zero… the field
acts where it is not… in quantum mechanics the potentials play a role
analogous to that of fields in classical physics … Either one must give up
the locality principle or recognize that potentials have a physical reality no
less fundamental than the fields. But the second alternative would mean that
it is possible to find a physical difference between states differing only in
gauge… Aharonov and Bohm abandoned the second alternative … The Aharonov-
Bohm effect could be regarded from the classical point of view as a proof of
action at a distance.”

In the modern gauge theory of the unified force the field potentials are
parallel transport connections in the fiber space beyond space-time analogous
to the Christoffel symbols of general relativity within the curved space-time
base space of the bundle. Internal symmetry transformations result from
torsion in the fiber space from lifted holonomic loops in space-time.
Nonvanishing fields are a measure of curvature in the bundle. (Reference:
Classical geometric resolution of the Einstein-Podolsky-Rosen paradox, Yuval
Ne’eman, Israeli Minister of Science, Proc. Nat. Acad. Sci., USA Vol80, 7051-
7053,Nov 1983. Ne’eman writes:

“in the geometry of a fiber bundle describing a gauge theory, curvature and
parallel transport ensure and impose nonseparability..”)

The Soviet physicists continue:

“A further illustration of the nonlocality of quantum objects is provided by
the interference experiments… by Pfleeger, Mandel, and Magyar. They showed
that overlapping beams of two lasers can give an interference pattern…
although the photon interferes only with itself… the attempt to follow the
flight of the photon …emitted by the lasers necessarily destroys the
original interference pattern… A quantum system radiates as a single entity
even when its various parts are separated by a macroscopic distance… This
property… can also be demonstrated by the Hanbury Brown-Twiss effect
interference of intensities…Suppose we have two light sources A and B at a
large distance from two photon detectors a and b. The detectors are connected
to a coincidence circuit…the number of coincidences is a periodic function
of R1 – R2, where R1 is the distance between A and a, and R2 is the distance
between B and b. The quantum feature .. is the impossibility of distinguishing
photons which arrive at a from A from photons which arrive at a from B. If the
experiment is arranged in such a way that such a distinction becomes possible,
the effect disappears… The effect appears paradoxical from the point of view
of classical notions, since it means that photons emitted by two independent
sources know the behavior of each other… ”

The Soviet discussion of the Einstein-Podolsky-Rosen (EPR) paradox makes it
clear that it is the locality assumption of no quantum action at a distance
that makes the paradox in which the Heisenberg uncertainty principle is
violated. They write:

“A … solution of the EPR paradox was proposed by V.A. Fock and A.D.
Aleksandrov (Moscow, 1956), who put forward the idea of a nonforce interaction
of quantum objects … another example of such (nonforce) interaction is the
correlation in the behavior of microscopic objects expressed by the Pauli
principle … another example of a nonforce interaction (is) interference from
two mirrors. The interference pattern, which is determined by the positions of
the mirrors, means that an individual photon feels an effect of the mirrors
that is not associated with transfer of energy and momentum.”

The idea of the nonforce interaction is geometrically understood in the fiber
bundle geometry. The traditional force is due to energy- momentum transport in
the base space-time. The nonforce interaction is due to information transfer
in the fiber space beyond space-time. In Aspect’s photon pair polarization
correlation experiment, the information transfer does not require energy-
momentum transport. The information transfer violating Bell’s locality
inequality is in the fiber space. Quite apart from that, there may also be
faster than light tachyonic and Wickyonic energy-momentum transport in the
base space-time. But these two modes of superluminal interaction, i.e. (
nonforce fiber quantum information transfer, and (force) base space-time
translation energy momentum transport) must be clearly distinguished. Indeed,
the relativistic kinematics of the photon pair may allow the faster than light
collective tachyonic transport of one half the energy difference between the
two photons when moving in opposite directions in 3-space.

In my recent research on Wick rotations of solutions of the Dirac spinor
equation, I note that the slower than light bradyon has timelike world lines
inside the light cone. The bradyon (normal matter and antimatter) obeys
Einstein’s 1905 equation E equals mc squared i.e. more precisely:

E = m/(1 – v2)1/2,

where c = 1, v2 means “the square of velocity”, and (…)1/2 means “square
root”. .

The faster than light tachyon has spacelike world lines outside the light
cone. It obeys:

E’= m/(v2 – 1)1/2 .

Both the bradyon and the tachyon feel the light cone as an impassable
classical barrier. They are classically restricted to opposite sides of the
barrier. In contrast, the Wickyon, discovered in Dirac’s theory by me, can
pass right through the light cone as if it were not there. In fact, the
Wickyon loses energy as it accelerates from subluminal to superluminal speed.
The equation for the Wickyon is:

E”= m/(v2 + 1)1/2

I note that Sakharov ( the now dissident Father of the Soviet Nuclear Arsenal)
has also been thinking about the effect of Wick rotations in big bang
cosmology (private communication from Waldyr Rodrigues Jr. Institute
Mathematics, UNICAMP, S.P. Brasil).

If life can persist through a bradyon-Wickyon quantum jump then we can look
forward to a hyperdrive for time travelling Star Ships – contrary to Dr.
Forward’s recent report for the U.S. Air Force (AFRPL TR-83-067).

The Soviets say:

“Some authors developed the idea that the violation of locality must be
interpreted in the framework of the Wheeler-Feynman theory of action at a
distance.. In this scheme, the correlations between the readings of the
instruments are explained by … advanced waves (telegraph from the future)
…relativistic invariance is maintained, but one necessarily reproduces the
difficulties characteristic of a theory of action at a distance, in
particular, the breakdown in the time ordering between cause and effect.”

Kurt Godel showed that retroactivity, or backwards causation, poses no
logical problem for physics (Ref. INFINITY AND THE MIND, Rudy Rucker). Sir
Fred Hoyle, FRS in INTELLIGENT UNIVERSE shows that retroactivity is necessary
to understand cosmology and the origin of life. My gedankenexperiments attempt
to pin down the precise nonlocal quantum mechanisms needed to test Hoyle’s
revolutionary paradigm. A paradigm anticipated by American scholars such as
Harvard’s Henry Dwight Sedgwick eighty years ago. Hoyle’s notion of the Loop
in Time has already been treated in literature by Borges in Coleridge’s Dream
and in the works of Olaf Stapledon, to name the best. It has been popularized
in films like Escape from the Planet of the Apes and Back to the Future.

Of crucial significance for SDI command control communication is the Soviet
view on the practical use of quantum nonlocal action at a space-time distance
between transmitter and receiver.

“Is a superluminal telegraph possible?
… Stapp writes:…Quantum phenomena provide prima facie evidence that
information gets around in ways that do not conform to classical ideas…
everything we know about nature is in accord with the idea that the
fundamental processes of Nature lie outside space-time… but generate events
that can be located in space-time… none of the arguments we have considered
for the existence of superluminal signals is satisfactory.”

The Soviets do not discuss my scheme for a superluminal telegraph which
depends upon extending conventional quantum mechanics to include nonlocal
observables. I have a detailed model which predicts quantum tunneling of one
photon in a pair through the classical barrier of crossed polarizers. The
tunneling probability depends on the relative orientation of a distant
polarizer that interacts with the twin photon. It is as if the distant
polarizer is placed between the crossed polarizers at exactly one half of the
actual relative orientation. One esthetically pleasing feature of this
nonlocal hidden variable model is that it has the structure of the simplest
fiber bundle – the spinor bundle of the Mobius strip. This model allows for
the experimental test of Hoyle’s Loop in Time in which a Future Cause
retroactively superdetermines a Past Effect negating ordinary notions of Free
Will in accord with Godel’s teleological argument.

It is important to recognize that there are now two experiments that
demonstrate the reality of nonlocality. First, Aspect’s Paris experiment
showing violation of Bell’s locality inequality over faster than light space-
like intervals between the two detections of the photons in a pair from a
double quantum jump. Second, the retroactive Wheeler “Delayed Choice”
experiment using a Mach Zender interferometer by Hellmuth et-al at the Max
Planck Institute for Quantum Optics in Garching reported in June 1985 at the
EPR conference in Finland. The debate now emerging is whether or not nonlocal
quantum action at a distance can be controlled for communication, space
propulsion, and SDI beam weapons.

Research in this cutting edge of New Physics will have a profound impact on
SDI. For example, untappable unjammable retroactive quantum action at a
distance command control communications and beam weapons.

One may also anticiapte application of the Salam-Weinberg-Glashow electroweak
unification to create a new type of SDI beam weapon to render nuclear weapons
“impotent and obsolete” via stimulated beta decay. The idea is to create a
lasing action in which d-quarks flip to u-quarks causing a neutron to become a
proton. The energy difference is only of the order of 3Mev. We would use the
self-interaction of the flavor-conserving weak part of the photon to induce
weak isospin flips of the d and u quarks via virtual flavor-changing charged W
pairs. This would lead to low energy transmutation of the elements allowing us
to clean up the radioactive wastes from nuclear reactors.

0

**********************************************************************

The Soviet Space Program – the Next Five Years

In response to the publication of “Soviet Military Power” by the DoD,
and Aviation Week magazine’s continuing predictions over the years, this
DL entry takes a dissenting position, not based on classified
information, but on a historical perspective of the Soviet space
program, and projects past performance into the future.
For those who have missed the above publications, their basic position
is that the USSR is embarked upon three major projects, each rivaling
our Shuttle program in scope and cost. These are: 1) A Saturn IB class
booster that will used to launch a mini-shuttle, 2) A Shuttle with
greater capacity than ours, and 3) A Heavy Lift booster, comparable in
size to our Saturn V, that will be used to launch the a Skylab-sized
core for a huge space station. All of these projects are claimed to be
in their final stages of development, with first launch to come within a
year or two. As a final spectacular note, the DoD publication claims
that a Mars mission is being contemplated by the Soviets for the year
1992.
Each of these projects pre-supposes the development of liquid hydrogen
engines at least the size of the Saturn J-2 engine, and possibly the
size of the Space shuttle main engine. As the Soviets have yet to
demonstrate the use of even a Centaur-class LH2 engine, it has not yet
been explained how the Soviets will develop this highly advanced
technology in the next year.
The actual Soviet practice over the years has been:
1) Use of non-cryogenic fuels whenever possible.
2) Use of assembly line techniques to develop economies of scale in
production of both boosters and spacecraft.
3) Slow development of programs with evolutionary, not revolutionary
steps, contrasted with the huge jumps that the US program has made such
as between Gemini and Apollo, and Apollo and the Shuttle.
4) Thorough unmanned testing of systems before first launch.
5) Confusing public statements to disguise their real intent, and to
cover their tracks in case of failure.

Based on these practices, the following predictions are in order for
the year 1990:
1) Continued use of Salyut, but with modifications. These could be a)
use of a multiple docking adaptor to allow several cargo vehicles to
dock simultaneously, b) regular crew rotation, with Salyut occupancy
near 100%, c) use of Soyuz orbital modules left attached to Salyut to
increase living space, and d) permanent attachment of Star modules to
increase living space, provide more electrical power, and to provide
more on-board equipment.
2) Use of a small LH2 engine on either the A class booster or Proton to
increase payload of cargo missions or size of Salyut.
3) Development of a Dyna-soar class shuttle, coupled with development
of a LH2 engine to allow a vehicle of 50,000+ lbs, including engine
weight with the Proton booster. This is doubtful, as launch of a Star
module without the minishuttle would result in greater payload capacity.
4) Use of more sophisticated EVA equipment, such as a MMU, to allow
cosmonauts to maneuver more freely in open space.
5) Continued use of ICBMs as launch vehicles, possibly the SS-18 in the
near-term. This could become the new J Class vehicle, with orbital
capabilities rivaling the A class, with easier launch operations, and
greater reliability. (This is not to be confused with the all-new
J-Class vehicle postulated by the DoD, with a payload of 30,000+ lbs).
Coupled with a LH2 stage, the vehicle could be more powerful than any
booster except the D class. As this vehicle has already been proven,
conversion to space use could be rapid, once the decision is made to do
so, possibly after an arms agreement with the U.S.
6) Of course, longer stays in orbit, up to 365 days.
7) More female cosmonauts, but an all-female crew is unlikely.
8) Continued exploration of the planets through unmanned probes.
9) Cosmos 2000 (at least!).
10) Rumors of an impending Mars flight by the Soviets, of a heavy lift
vehicle, and a heavy shuttle.
11) Statements by the Soviets that they plan on a Cosmograd, that
colonization of the planets is a goal, and that they will build a
shuttle.
In other words, more of the same.

0

Reprinted here are the lyrics from the Stranglers ‘Feline’ album,
(C) 1982 CBS Records. Songs included are:

Midnight Summer Dream
It’s a Small World
Ships That Pass in the Night
The European Female
Let’s Tango in Paris
Paradise
All Roads Lead to Rome
Blue Sister
Never Say Goodbye

These are, of course, reprinted without permission.

* * * * * *

Midnight Summer Dream

Woke up on a good day
And the world was wonderful
A midnight summer dream had me in its spell.

I dreamt about an old man
Sat and watched the rain all night
He couldn’t sleep a wink as all the drops fell.

He told me of the beauty
Hidden in our foreheads
He told me of the ugliness
We show instead.

And when we put a foot wrong do we learn
From all the pain
A midnight summer dream as he watched the rain.

Then at midnight he poured another drink
And bent my ear
After midnight we sat up half the night
Or maybe more
And he began to tell me what it was all for

I woke up in an armchair
He had gone i don’t know where
Left me there to sit and look at the rain
Don’t remember much at all
But his words were echoing
A midnight summer dream and then wake again.

Maybe I’ll never find him
Maybe he’s gone forever
Maybe I’ll have to sit here
Watching weather.

One thing’s pretty certain helped me
Make it in the night
Showed me somewhere else besides wrong and right
And at midnight if you can’t sleep
Then I can bend your ear
After midnight we’ll sit up half the night
Or maybe more
And I’ll begin to tell you what it is all for.

Wake up on a good day and the world
Feels wonderful
Midnight summer dream has me in its spell.

It’s a Small World

Many roads to travel down and there are
Many surprises to find
But as luck will have it you can stumble
In the valley of the blind
Friends will always tell you fate will rear
Its ugly head to frighten you
But the hands of time hold something and
He’s offering it all to you.

Watch out for a surprise
It’s nature’s biggest prize
And if it comforts you discover
It’s a small world too.

Read your books and study hard to find the kick
That makes you carry on
And if luck’s a kind friend she will show you
How and why it all began.

Just look in the backyard
You won’t have to look hard
The crossword’s final clue discover
It’s a small world too.

When your friends are gathered round
And you draw straws to find out who goes first
Climb the wall out of the pleasure garden
See a flower die of thirst.

A circle’s always round
The truth lies underground
You may just join the few discover
It’s a small world too.

Ships That Pass in the Night

We’re waiting for better weather on a ship
To pass in the night
Solve all of our problems for us on a ship
To pass in the night
We don’t care if it’s one way passage on a ship
To pass in the night
Keep all of the lanterns burning for the ship
To pass in the night.

Suddenly you see a mast
Approaching you pretty fast
Hope it’s not like the last
But it just sails right past.

Keep scanning romantic oceans for the ship
To pass in the night
Some kind of religious notion on a ship
To pass in the night
Or vote for a politician as a ship
To pass in the night
Or pay for a good physician like a ship
To pass in the night

Suddenly you see a mast
Approaching you pretty fast
Hope it’s not like the last
But it just sails right past….

The European Female

I knew she was a feline
She moved with ease and grace
Her green eyes they held mystery.

No emotion on her face.

She speaks her lips are kissing
The air around her face
I don’t always under-stand her
But I love her air and grace.

The European female she is here
The European female’s here
We’ll be together for a thousand years
And do you really fear
That you might fall.

I saw her in the Strasse
And in the Rue as well
Pursued her in the Hight Street
She had me in her spell.

Let’s Tango in Paris

Sentimental through the night
Sharing secret candlelight
We’re away
Every day
Laughing, joking just sustains
Situation quite insane
Flowing wine
Quite sublime
Not so far for me to say
I could take you there today
Let’s tango in Paris.

You might find yourself with me
Share your glass of vanity
We’re away
Every day
Not for me to say
I could take you there today
Let’s tango in Paris.

Paradise

I went in search of paradise
They said it would be good for my head
So I went in search of paradise
But she took me by my head instead.

Paris – London
Glamour and despair
Ruins – we were ruined over there
Ruins – we ruined over there-er-er.

And when you think you’re in paradise
But then you find your arms are tied
Captive in the name of paradise
The chains are all her lies.

Paris – London etc.

The picture on the screen is moving still
It’s moving all the time
If only you could freeze frame a moment there
You could have paradise all the time.

Paris – London etc.

I don’t think anyone ever found paradise
‘Cos paradise is based on lies….

(Repeat till fade.)

All Roads Lead to Rome

The streets of Tarmac are strait as a die
With steel fingers clawing at the sky
Inside the wall of the citadel
Yellow chariots race
Peasants and their peasants’ smells
Hungry enough to touch your face.

The beasts from the end of the century
Adorn themselves with jewellery
Inside the wall of the citadel
Yellow chariots race
peasants and their peasants’ smells
Hungry enough to touch your face.

Their eyes they change colour from grey to green
And when they’re blue they weigh the scene
The endless games played in the timeless zone
Remind me all roads lead to Rome
Inside the wall of the citadel
Yellow chariots race
Peasants and their peasants’ smells
Hungry to touch your frightened face
All roads lead to Rome
All roads lead to Rome
All roads lead to Rome
All roads lead to Rome.

Blue Sister

Blue sister please don’t cry
Blue sister dry your eyes
Your lover’s been taken away by some friends
That he met in the night.

That scene’s not a new one to you
You’ve seen it a million times too
The players, their lines are old too
Blue sister know that I care about you.

Blues sister are no cure
For you sister that’s for sure
Your eyes have been shouldering pain
And the tears show emotion so pure.

That scene’s not a new one to you …. etc.

Blue sister you’ll survive
Blue sister’s inner drive is
Your man don’t drive him away
If you want him here stay alive.

That scene’s not a new one to you …. etc.

Never Say Goodbye

Black friend of the night
Why did you leave in such a hurry?
White friend of the day
You left us juggling our worries
Never say goodbye
For we’ll all be with you someday
Fond adieus but never say goodbye
Like lovers in the past
They swim and surface in our memories
Questions never asked
I’ll save them all for the next century
Never say goodbye
For we’ll all be with you someday
Fond adieus but never say goodbye.

Tell us what’s over the horizon
Is it worth the chance
To hang around for more surprising?
Never say goodbye
For we’ll all be with you someday
Fond adieus but never say goodbye.

+++ lyrics typed by Someone Else, Ai fictionwriters 2/86

(>

0

YOU MAY BE IN A POSITION OF NEEDING TO DO AN INFORMATION SEARCH
ON AN INDIVIDUAL. IT IS SOMTIME A BIG HELP TO KNOW WHERE SOMEONE ORIGONALY
CAME FROM, IN THE FOLLOWING LIST THE FIRST THREE NUMBERS IN A SOCIAL
SECURITY NUMBER WILL TELL YOU WHERE THE CARD WAS ORIGONALY APPLIED FOR. ALSO A
HELPFUL HINT ON LOCATING MISSING PERSONS OR ANY PERSON FOR THAT MATTER.
A LETTER TO THE SOCIAL SECURITY ADMINISTRATION WITH AS MUCH PERSONAL
INFORMATION (DATE OF BIRTH,LASTPLACE OF RESIDENCE), CAN BE THE ANSWER.

WRITE TO:

SOCIAL SECURITY ADMINISTRATION
PUBLIC INQUIRIES
DEPT. HEALTH & HUMAN SERVICES
6501 SECURITY BVLD. BALT. MD.
ZIP 20235

CARD NUMBERS–STATE ISSUED TO

001-003 NEW HAMPSHIRE
004-007 MAINE
008-009 VERMONT
010-034 MASS
035-039 RHODE ISLAND
040-049 CONN
050-134 NEW YORK
135-158 NEW JERSEY
159-211 PENN
212-220 MARYLAND
221-222 DELEWARE
223-231 VIRGINIA
232-236 W. VIRGINIA
237-246 N. CAROLINA
247-251 S. CAROLINA
252-260 GEORGIA
261-267 FLORIDA
268-302 OHIO
303-317 INDIANA
318-361 ILLINOIS
362-386 MICH
387-399 WIS
400-407 KENTUCKY
408-415 TENN
416-424 ALABAMA
425-428 MISSISSIPPI
429-432 ARKANSAS
433-439 LOUISIANA
440-448 OKLAHOMA
449-467 TEXAS
468-477 MINN
478-485 IOWA
486-500 MISSOURI
501-502 N DAKOTA
503-504 S DAKOTA
505-508 NEBRASKA
509-515 KANSAS
516-517 MONTANA
518-519 IDAHO
520 WYOMING
521-524 COLO
525 NEW MEXICO
526-527 ARIZ
528-529 UTAH
530 NEVADA
531-539 WASH
540-544 OREGON
545-573 CALIF
574 ALASKA
575-576 HAWII
577-579 WASH D.C.
——————

0

TWO BOTTLES AND A BILL

Using two beer or soda bottles that are
the same, place one of the bottles right
side up near the edge of a table. Put a
dollar bill on top of this one and
center it. Then balance the second
bottle on top of the first, sandwiching
the bill between them. Now challenge
your friends to remove the bill without
touching the bottles.

Here’s how: Grab the bill between thumb
and forefinger and hold it straight out,
just tight enough not to tip the
bottles. Using one or two fingers of
the other hand, strike down on the
dollar bill as fast as you can, still
maintaining your grip with the other
hand. The bill will zip right out
leaving the bottles without even a
wobble.

Important! The bottles must be
completely clean and dry for this to
work. Practice a few times to make it
look really easy.

– END FILE –

0

The Impossible Pickup

Place a dime or penny on a bar or table
and place your hand over it. You
quickly raise your hand and close it
into a fist. The coin is in your palm.
Yet when someone else tries it, the coin
remains on the table.

The secret: Put your hand on the coin so
that the coin rests on the ball of your
hand just below the third finger. Now
just before you lift it, press down hard
and quickly lift your hand. The
pressure will cause the coin to stick to
your palm just long enough to grab it as
you lift your hand and close your fist.

– END FILE –

0

SNUFF IT

The Quarterly Magazine of the Church of Euthanasia

ISSUE #2

LETTERS

Thank you Church dudes and dudettes for the Snuff It. Very nice looking and
solid publication. Just one thing, eliminate your DADA or any “art-fag”
references and you will be ten times scarier. I don’t remember if I sent you a
copy of FUCK but I am sending along a copy of #6. Keep up the splendid work.

Yours truly,

Randall Phillips
Box 2217, Philadelphia, PA 19103

This Randall Phillips guy turns out to be quite a character. He’s an Aryan
Social Darwinist with a ghoulish sense of humor, and his magazine succeeded in
shocking us. He favors mass murder and eugenics as population control.
Unfortunately the Church of Euthanasia is opposed to involuntary methods, so we
can’t endorse him. This is too bad, because when he’s not advocating torture,
slavery, genocide, rape, racism, and cruelty to animals, he’s got a lot of
things right. We especially liked the following excerpt:

I had a jar of pond water that I was to take samples of and look at under a
microscope. The first time I looked at the pond water I saw the microscopic
aliens dancing around and having a good time. Each day that I looked at the
microscopic aliens there started to be more of them. On the 4th day I noticed
that the water was getting darker. The cause of the darkness was an
accumulation of more microscopic aliens, their shit and their waste. The
microscopic aliens weren’t partying as hard, but they were still going at it.
By the 7th day the water was very dark. I looked under the microscope and all
I saw was microscopic waste. There were a few tiny aliens left gnawing on the
remains of the other microscopic dead aliens. Forty years from now the earth
is going to look like my jar of pond water on the seventh day, unless we do
something about it.

Dear Chrissy,

I loved your paper and please enter me a subscription. I enclose my check.
I also am enclosing my picture to you. I have fairly nice C cup tits. I’ve
taken hormones for a while.
I loved your picture under the quote from Deuteronomy. The old testament
is little more than scare tactics to keep the tribes of Israel replenished with
soldiers and warriors to fight other tribes.
The way I see it is we have these three different groups in the U.S.A. and
Latin America in a birth race. First, are the Catholics mainly in Central
America, the Mormons in Utah and Idaho and the niggers [sic] who are being
subsidized by the government to have more voters who will vote in more social
programs.
The Government is broke, the large banks are buying government T-bills,
Treasury notes with fingers crossed. No one has the balls to say subsidies are
no longer, so we pretend and pay the interest on these securities. The major
banks would rather buy these government notes than pump money into private
enterprise.
This revolution which will make Rwanda look like a Sunday school picnic
will start when the welfare recipients no longer get their “check.”
Believe me I rent to low income people, college students and without
student loans and government largesse, there would be revolution. Probably
starting on the East Coast, the Western states will try to break away. There
will be chaos and anarchy. The government knows this hence the assault on hand
guns.
Of course, I’ve been doing my part to keep the population down. Valerie,
my girlfriend who is a dyke who hates men, and myself have been castrating
young men of breeding age. We only have two notches so far. We’re using an
elasterator. A device that fits nicely over the scrotum of a calve or lamb.
It works well on humans too. Our first victim was drunk. The device puts a
strong rubber band over the scrotum, cuts off the blood supply, gangrene sets
in, and in about two weeks the sac falls off and creates a eunuch.
The first two minutes there is pain, but after that the balls turn blue and
in 4 hours – 6 hours, gangrene is present and they don’t dare remove it.
Our first victim slept through the whole thing so it couldn’t have been
that bad. He rushed himself to the emergency room and they castrated him on
the spot.
The second victim we met in the forest, hand-cuffed him to a tree, and he
howled, screamed. In Idaho there are thousands of acres of virgin forest. We
left a note for the forest rangers giving his location. This did not make the
papers so it is still under investigation. In both cases we got the victim’s
address from his driver’s license and sent him a tauntingly sympathetic card
(so don’t mention this).
I wish I could sterilize 10% of the young men of breeding age and turn them
loose on the fertile women like sterile fruit flies.
It’s the duty of every drag queen, T.S., T.V. and crossdresser to get a
straight boyfriend and keep him away from girls of breeding age.
Picking up men in gay bars doesn’t do it. We should pick up men in
straight bars. Gays fraternizing with gays does nothing to curb the
population.
Anyway you probably think I’m nuts but we will possibly send a picture of
our next eunuch before and during his ordeal.
I was hopeful AIDS would do its job and in Africa it’s doing O.K. and in
Thailand but not here.
We should take $1000 out of everyone’s subsidy and pay bounties to people
who will become sterile.
Anyway, if you’re out here look me up. Valerie has always wanted to be a
man and I’ve always wanted to be a woman so we get along good.

Bob. B.

Please, remind us to stay the hell away from Idaho! And we thought things were
getting wild down here in Boston. We hate to keep repeating ourselves, but the
church supports voluntary methods. For you folks out there in the woods, that
means no going around cutting off people’s balls! You’re quite right about
transgenderism being a good method of population control. The police are your
friends! Go down to the station and introduce yourself.

Dear Editor,

Oh how fabulously arsty and shocking! What radical refusal of conventional
societal constraints! The fact that you still exist is proof of your
conceptual bankruptcy. Put your shotgun where your mouth is or shut the fuck
up you Somerville BARNIES.

No offense,

O. Nenslo, professional art-fag hater

We sure are getting a lot of strange mail lately. For those of you who aren’t
from Somerville, “barnie” is a term employed by the local lifers for anyone who
didn’t grow up around here or doesn’t belong. It’s the exact opposite of a
“townie.” Townies often have short hair, drive muscle cars or pickup trucks
with Marine Corps stickers, and have gum-chewing girlfriends with big hair and
lots of gold jewelry. Students are barnies by definition, as are most artists,
musicians, queers and other free-thinkers. In any case, the fact that you
still exist is proof that you should join the Church. No offense taken.

Dear Snuff It,

Firstly, lemmings do not commit mass suicide. This is a hoax apparently
created by the Walt Disney company during the 1950’s. (I’m not kidding.)
This being the case, you need a new mascot. My suggestion is Dr. Edward
Teller, “Father of the H-Bomb.” This moron sold Ronald Reagan on the idea of
the space based anti-missile system. What Dr. Teller neglected to do was
notice the obvious: making obsolete one weapon, the Intercontinental Ballistic
Missile (ICBM), does not end the economic, social and political forces which
lead to large scale organized warfare. The first nuke was delivered by a B-29
bomber, which an anti-missile system could not touch. Does Dr. Teller
seriously believe that everyone in the world has forgotten to how to drop bombs
out of airplanes? Of course not. He just wants to win a large-scale nuclear
war. Unfortunately, once you set fire to 500 major urban areas, you have a
nuclear winter and all human life in the northern hemisphere dies.
Perhaps Dr. Teller’s motto is “Kill the Planet, Save My Ideology.”

X.S.Despot
2225 Montego Dr., Lansing, MI 48912

Very good! We like the new motto, it’s catchy. My personal favorite Star Wars
story is the one about Brilliant Pebbles. It turns out the code name was
completely literal! Good old uncle Ron was going to fill the stratosphere with
small rocks. It really does a number on the Evil Empire’s satellites.
Unfortunately it also makes it impossible to ever launch the space shuttle
again, so NASA finally put a stop to it. Keep us abreast of Dr. Teller’s
adventures, though in the meantime we’ll stick with our mascot:

lemming, rodent related to the mouse. The common or brown lemming (genus
Lemmus) inhabits arctic regions of both hemispheres. The long fur is brownish,
grayish, or black throughout the year. In Scandinavia particularly, the
lemmings undertake mass migrations during periods of overpopulation and food
scarcity, swarming over land and through water, deterred by nothing, and eating
vegetation on the way. If they reach the sea before the migratory urge
subsides, they swim out until they drown.

The Illustrated Columbia Encyclopedia, 1935

Sound somehow vaguely familiar? That’ll be you in ten years. Join the church
now, because later you’ll be too busy drowning.

Dear Editor,

Are we being denied the right to die? Why is it so wrong to help another
person end his or her misery?
Dr. Jack Kevorkian is referred to as Dr. Death, but he describes his
methods as humane and painless. In Washington state people will be voting on
an initiative to legalize suicide in cases where the patient has six months or
less to live. If this is passed, Washington will be the first state to
legalize euthanasia. The truth is, having a terminal disease is agony. One
can fight only so long.
This is the point. To people who are suffering, Kevorkian is a savior.

Beth Heyde, Plymouth, MA

Amen to that, and soon to be Saint Kevorkian! The man is an inspiration to us
all. Suicide should be as easy as getting your teeth cleaned, and not just for
the terminally ill. Everyone has the right to die painlessly, whenever they
want. Lobby your Congressman! More money for euthanasia! Why spend it on the
military when people need to die right here at home?

Dear Editor,

Okay, on all this Ejaculation stuff: Wouldn’t the world simply be a better
place if more men learned to jack off, and did this regularly instead of having
sex with women (if I follow your argument)? Therefore, since masturbation is
not procreation, masturbation should be viewed as an heroic act by the Church,
should it not? I hereby declare myself a Hero, then, for masturbating since
age 13, and using this as my sexual outlet, rather than going out of my way to
have sex with women for the past 8 years. Actually, perhaps masturbation needs
a better overall image in society at large. It’s an effective method of
curbing sexual drive, and therefore prevents one from having sex with others
when done often enough, thusly slowing down the population growth rate, and the
spread of communicable diseases. Any spoo that lands outside of a human
reproductive system is heroic spoo. More people should therefore partake of
oral and anal sex exclusively, if they insist upon having a partner.

Colin S. Reid

We love it! You’re a hero! Aim for the chin!

ASK CHRISSY

A woman shall not wear anything that pertains to man, nor shall a man wear a
woman’s garment; for whoever does these things is an abomination to the lord.
(Deuteronomy 22:5)

Dear Chrissy,

How can I join the Church of Euthanasia? Do I have to kill myself first? What
are the rules?

-Anxious in Albany

Dear Anxious,

Joining the Church is EASY! Just wrap ten dollars in a piece of paper, pop it
in an envelope and send it to:

C.O.E., Box 261, Somerville, MA 02143

Of course you don’t have to kill yourself! If you really want to, though, wait
until AFTER you’ve joined the church! That way, you automatically become a
saint, without any additional paperwork. The church has only one commandment,
and it is:

“Thou shalt not procreate.”

This means NO BREEDING! Procreation is grounds for immediate excommunication.
Some related guidelines for good living follow:

1. Suicide is optional, but encouraged.
2. Abortion may be required to avoid procreation.
3. Cannibalism is mandatory if you insist on eating flesh.
4. Sodomy is optional, but strongly encouraged.

Note that cannibalism is limited to consumption of those ALREADY DEAD. There
is currently no shortage. Killing people for food is strictly prohibited, no
matter how hungry you are. Also note that contrary to popular belief, sodomy
is defined as any sexual act not intended for procreation. Fellatio,
cunnilingus, and anal sex are all forms of sodomy and are still illegal in many
states. Masturbation may or may not be sodomy; the jury’s still out on that,
but it’s okay with us, especially if you kill yourself while doing it.

Dear Chrissy,

I’d like to kill myself, but I’m not sure how. Does it matter which way I do
it? Can you come down here and help me with this? Do I have to do everything
myself?

-Overwhelmed in Orlando

Dear Overwhelmed,

Technically speaking, it doesn’t matter how you do it, though some methods are
considerably more sure, painless, and neat than others. Try to be considerate
of your friends and family who will discover you afterwards. They’re STILL
finding bits of Kurt Cobain’s head around the house. Much as I would like to,
I can’t actually provide any physical assistance; that remains illegal in both
of our states. What I can do is urge you to find a copy of Derek Humphry’s
book Final Exit. He provides a wealth of handy data including contacts and
drug dosages. I’ll summarize some of his most interesting recommendations:

1. Don’t do anything that will endanger anyone else, including driving into
on-coming traffic or railway trains, jumping in front of cars, mixing household
chemicals to make poison gas, etc.
2. Don’t take cyanide unless you’re a chemist. You’ll be very sorry if you
accidentally ingest hydrogen cyanide (HCN) instead of potassium cyanide (KCN).
3. Never mind what you saw in Coming Home. Injecting yourself with a syringe
full of air is much more likely to cause brain damage and paralysis than death.
4. Getting into the bathtub with your hair-dryer might not work. It depends on
your fuses, and worse, someone else might get electrocuted trying to save you.
5. Don’t hang yourself without reading Naked Lunch first. It can be quite
messy and disagreeable for whoever has to cut you down. I know it looked easy
in Billy Budd, but that was a MOVIE. The British Navy also used very LONG
ropes to break the neck instantly.
6. Drowning has good points, and the colder the water, the faster it goes.
Avoid being rescued, and keep in mind that your body might turn up somewhat
chewed.
7. Freezing is even better, and quite painless. Just head for the mountains
(no, this isn’t a beer advertisement) late in the day, get yourself above the
freezing line, and have a seat. Be sure to wear light (or no) clothing, and
take public transport so the Rangers don’t find your car and look for you.
8. The official Hemlock Society approved method of “self-deliverance” is a
combination of taking tranquilizers and putting a plastic bag over your head.
Even if the dose isn’t lethal, you asphyxiate while you’re snoozing. They even
suggest a trial run! The bag should be big enough so that you start out with
some air and don’t freak out right away. Use rubber bands to make the bag fit
snugly. Apparently it’s easier if you open the bag, put the rubber bands on,
and then slide the whole thing onto your head like a hat. Assuming you have
access to tranquilizers, the only tricky part is deciding whether to use a
clear or opaque bag. There’s one to ponder…

THE MEMORY HOLE

Who controls the past, controls the future.
Who controls the present, controls the past.

-George Orwell, 1984

If George Orwell were alive today, he would be astounded, but not by the
fact that so many of his predictions came true. The fact that there is at
least one television for every person in the United States would not surprise
him, of course. The presence of televisions in airports, rail and bus
terminals, and even subway stations would also be expected. The lack of
two-way interactive television would puzzle him, though he might correctly
assume that the technology was being developed. What would really stump him is
the total absence of coercion. “Where are the thought police?” he would ask,
confused. Nothing could possibly prepare Orwell for the enthusiasm with which
Americans embrace Big Brother. Truncheons are rarely required, and sudden
disappearances are almost unheard of. Complete, voluntary conformity to the
ideals displayed on television is observed. Instead of Double-Think, No-Think.
Instead of the Ministry of Truth, a corporate media system. Instead of the
Party, a liberal elite who actually believe that they are free. Freedom is
American, and Americans are truly free, in a limited sense, free to consume.
Human rights are reduced to freedom of choice. McDonald’s and Burger King,
Nirvana and Pearl Jam, Democrats and Republicans, the choices are all without
meaning.
Why did the Soviet empire fail, while the American empire survives?
Because mind control under freedom is more efficient! There’s no need to waste
money torturing dissidents. Fears of nakedness and excrement are instilled
during infancy, and are soon followed by strict gender roles. The boys
practice competition, aggression, and conquest, while the girls wear dresses
and learn to play house with dolls. The schools teach that what is
unmeasurable does not exist. Fear of the unknown becomes fear of life, and
death. The student is encouraged to regard those beneath him with contempt,
and those above him with envy; success is measured in terms of winners and
losers. Sophisticated advertising carefully reinforces the desired belief
system. “The one who dies with the most toys wins,” reads a popular bumper
sticker. So long as the flow of merchandise is uninterrupted, law and order
prevail. In Orwell’s world, dissent led to Room 101. In America, dissent is
merely ignored, or sold, if it’s popular.
One of Orwell’s great maxims was that control of the present enables
control of the past, which in turn controls the future. But here there is no
need for armies of bureaucrats revising old newspapers, adapting history to the
changing party line. In America, the present is controlled by reducing the
attention span. The invention of television wasn’t enough by itself. It was
the introduction of the hand-held remote that finished the job. Before the
seventies, people had to get up from their chairs to change the channel.
Laziness was an extremely powerful deterrent. People might watch the same
channel for an hour, or more! In the age of remote control, concentration drops
steadily. The attention span of the average adult now approaches thirty
seconds, by coincidence the duration of a typical advertisement. Among
teenagers and children, attention spans reach single digits, as they become
synchronized to the pulsating hypnosis of MTV. When the attention span finally
reaches zero, there is no past, and no future, only the endless, instantaneous
gratification of the present.
Ancient military strategy says “divide and conquer.” Where have humans
been more completely divided than in America? Land once occupied by the same
tribes for thousands of years is paved over, to become cities and sprawling
suburbs. How many of the inhabitants will know their neighbors? Citizenship
becomes a series of numbers in computer systems. Deaths and births are
recorded, and taxes paid, by mail. Leaders are selected anonymously, in tiny
booths, from lists of names. How many citizens know their leaders personally,
or have even met them? How can a society that never interacts be expected to
select its leaders? Youth is worshipped, and the elders, once the most
respected members of society, are banished to “nursing homes.” They die
miserable deaths of loneliness and boredom, abandoned by their “families.”
Wisdom cannot survive where there is no one to remember it. In the ultimate
triumph of individualism, even the family is atomized. Single mothers are
commonplace, and children are entrusted to institutions at the earliest
possible age. Americans become a nation of orphans, with no allegiance to
anything but themselves. Complete alienation makes them ruthless, and thirsty
for power. “Everybody wants to rule the world,” goes the popular song.
The fourth Key of the Tarot is Heh, The Emperor. He signifies reason, and
sight. In the age of reason, technology eliminates the senses, one by one,
leaving only sight, the most detached, impersonal, “objective” sense. Smells
are eliminated with deodorants and climate control. Taste and touch turn into
commodities, to be marketed. The universal acceptance of the telephone
substitutes the disembodied voice for physical presence. The advent of
computers completes the sterilization: communication is reduced to words on a
flickering screen. To avoid misunderstandings, it becomes necessary to
introduce a system for representing sarcasm on computer networks, using
combinations of punctuation known as “smileys.” In the words of computer guru
Paul Hoffman, “the Internet offers a great deal of anonymity, but weakens the
social bond between the people using it.” Welcome to the so-called
“cyberfuture.”
Orwell’s two-way telescreens become widely available, hooked up through
telephone lines to every imaginable service. Americans no longer have to leave
their living rooms, let alone their houses. Every conceivable need is
satisfied, at the click of a mouse. Viewers are able to project themselves
into “virtual reality” and interact with their entertainment programming.
Elaborate games promote a state of permanent masturbation, in which
selfishness, domination, and violence have no consequences. For a species
without a past, there can be no consequences, no sense of responsibility.
Without continuity, and rootedness, the future makes no sense. Without hope,
humans become like a swarm of locusts, scouring the earth from their living
rooms, destroying their host. The native Americans taught that the earth does
not belong to man, man belongs to the earth. Their truths die with them, and
the world spins out of balance.

To the future or to the past, to a time when men are different from one another
and do not live alone–to a time when truth exists and what is done cannot be
undone: From the age of uniformity, from the age of solitude, from the age of
Big Brother…greetings!

THE WATER OF LIFE

The following is adapted from the pamphlet “Urine-Therapy: It May Save Your
Life.” by Dr. Beatrice Bartnett.

Urine therapy is a very ancient and drugless form of intrinsic medicine.
Its application is so simple that it can be done anywhere and at any time.
Urine has been used as a healing agent in practically all civilizations and
cultures. It seemingly dies, only to reappear again time after time. Often it
is called the Water of Life, Living Water Within or simply Life Elixir. In
many religions it is believed that this water will enhance one’s spiritual
growth and even give one everlasting life.
The kidney’s major function is to balance all the elements in your blood.
It takes all excess amounts of vital substances out of the blood as well as
excess amounts of water. The water and these vital substances then form urine.
Urine is filled with vital elements. It is not waste. The liver
detoxifies the blood and excretes the toxins into the colon. The kidneys
balance the blood’s vital substances and water level. In short, urine is
simply filtered blood. It contains in its fresh condition, only those
chemicals and compounds of the blood in circulation in each of us.
The morning urine is the richest and best urine to drink. This is
partially due to the greater level of hormonal secretion that takes place in
the late night hours when the body is totally relaxed and repairing itself.
Fortunately, Urine-Therapy is very simple in its application.
Urine-Therapy consists of two basic parts: the internal application and the
external application. Both parts complement each other and are necessary for
best results. There are many different ways of using urine. After the initial
experience one will find his or her own personal way of application. Because
urine is produced to one’s needs, only your urine should be taken for internal
use.
Now, a good way to undo conditioned behavior with regard to perception of
urine is to rinse, gargle and swish with fresh urine. The flavor, consistency,
and feeling of the experience will become familiar after a while, and the
disgust to your own rich bodily fluids will be a thing of the past. Rubbing
urine into the body (fresh or stale) is also a wonderful way to become
accustomed to your living water.
If the idea of drinking one’s own water is still a problem, pour a few
ounces into the morning juice. This solution should be drunk as soon as
possible, for urine breaks down very rapidly. Try to graduate from drinking
the dilution to drinking it straight. Some people prefer to take it straight,
followed by a “chaser” of pure water or some other healthy liquid.
Saying “thank you” to your body just before drinking urine will help you to
realize the value of this golden liquid. Your body produced it for you.
Celebrate life and put the urine into a beautiful wine glass. After all, it is
the most valuable water on earth.

1. Drinking. The mid stream of the first morning urine is taken. Begin with
two-three ounces and increase it to your personal, comfortable level.
2. Fasts. Fasts with urine and water are practiced for one or more days.
J.W.Armstrong, a renowned urine therapist from England, lets his patients fast
for up to 45 days. Fasts are only recommend under trained, medical
supervision.
3. Enemas. The easiest way to take an enema is with a syringe containing
two-three ounces of urine. The urine is kept in the colon for as long as
possible.
4. Gargle. Urine is kept in the mouth 20-30 minutes, or as long as possible,
for gum problems and other lesions of the mouth and tongue.
5. Douche. For any vaginal discomfort or cleansing, a solution of Golden Seal
and urine will give comfort and healing.
6. Eye and ear drops. Any pain, burning and tiredness in the eyes may get
relief with a few drops of urine placed into the eyes. The ears also benefit
greatly if receiving a few urine drops for ear pain and discomfort.
7. Urine sniffing. This is the most effective way of treatment for any sinus
congestion and upper respiratory problems.

External Application:

1. Rubbings. Urine is massaged into the body. Rubbings are usually done for
any kind of skin lesions from a simple rash to eczema and cancer. The rubbings
may last from 20 minutes to one hour in duration.
2. Foot Baths. Very effective for athlete’s foot or any skin problem on the
feet.

The Coldest Air

A clod of a cock-lover
Yawns between thrusts
Pierces a dead-lover
Behind the wall of trust

Bereft of a cross
And chosen by the slain
He can’t forgive a flesh-less body
Scavenging for blame
The yawning gulf
Between an orphan and an heir
Leaves the stray boys hovering
In the coldest air

Fear is the ghost
A boast between their legs
Jagged, waving hands
Reach them from the dregs

They’re pumping it up in the garden of celibates
Love like barley bristling in the heat
Then a cold blast of laughter pours from a virgin
And thick, bulky boys recoil in defeat

They grope to anoint
The shadow-beast between them
But the coarse meal they share
Will never sustain them

The clod of a cock-lover
Mutters angrily
As desire exhorts
A hidden litany

He sings before
The augurs of doom
And cries out for covering
When mercy leaves the room

A bull of a man
Bows to cadavers
And thinks with a mind
Bent inward from chatter

He points his battle-flag
And his horny tongue
In the direction
Of the stiff boys he hung

Encrusted in raw flesh
And a ruffian’s hustle
Love gathers dust
Flexing hopeless muscle

-Raven Drake

HATE TO SAY WE TOLD YOU SO, BUT…

Report sees rising population
leading to global food shortage

WASHINGTON – Massive food shortages will develop over the next 40 years as
a population explosion outstrips the world’s food supply, researchers reported
yesterday.
“Science and technology can no longer ensure a better future unless
population growth slows quickly,” said a report compiled by the environmental
research institute Worldwatch. “Food supply is the most immediate constraint
on the Earth’s population carrying capacity.”
Projections of current trends indicate the world’s population could expand
from today’s 5.5 billion [try 5.7 billion. -Ed.] and reach 10 billion to 14
billion by 2050. The biggest increases are expected in some of the poorest
areas, such as Africa and southern Asia.
Worldwatch’s Full House report, released yesterday, predicted population at
8.9 billion by 2030. [more like 8 billion by 2020, but close enough. -Ed.]
At that level, the projected yearly grain supply will amount to 528 pounds
per person, the report said. That is a quarter of what the average American
now uses and just 20 percent above consumption in India, one of the worlds
poorest countries.
The UN Population fund, responsible for family planning, unveiled a
proposal in April to try to stabilize world population at 7.8 billion by 2050.
But food supplies will be too short to feed the world even if that goal is
reached, said Lester R. Brown, co-author of the Worldwatch study, which was
prepared in anticipation of next month’s UN Population Conference in Cairo.
The institute told of failed attempts to increase rice production and fish
catches – illustrating that new technology cannot be counted on for
breakthroughs.
After decades of steady growth, world farm production will no longer be
able to keep up with the increasing demand, the study predicted.
The Washington-based Institute’s pessimistic forecast on the limits of food
supply is not shared by world farm bodies. [i.e. transnational corporations,
big surprise! -Ed.]
Brown dismissed their projections as based only on past trends, and not
applicable in the future.
They failed to take into account factors such as the loss of cropland to
urbanization or reports that increased use of fertilizer no longer brings much
more production, he added.
Worldwatch said grain production increased from 631 million tons in 1950 to
1.6 billion tons in 1984, or 3 percent a year. Growth in the last decade was
just 1 percent a year, and Worldwatch predicted it would continue to slow, with
production leveling off at 2.1 billion tons in 2030. [The population is
increasing by 1.6 percent a year! Hello? -Ed.]

-excerpted from AP, August 14

World’s seas are fished to
the limit, study finds

WASHINGTON – The oceans have been fished nearly to the limits, after
decades of fishermen using bigger boats and more advanced hunting technologies,
according to a report released yesterday.
“Although worldwide environmental degradation of the oceans contribute to
the decline of marine life, overfishing is the primary cause of dwindling fish
populations,” said the report, which was issued by the nonprofit Worldwatch
Institute. A 5 percent decline in the worldwide catch since 1989 is due
largely to more people fishing in large-scale, industrial operations, often in
waters that are becoming more polluted, the report said.
Meanwhile, world population is growing at 1.6 percent annually, equivalent
to the population of Mexico being added to the world each year, the report
said.
“This … has already caused armed confrontations between fishing nations,
gunfire between fishers and hunger in the developing world,” said Peter Weber,
author of the report, “Net Loss: Fish, Jobs and the Marine Environment.”
The total catch has shrunk by more than 30 percent in four of the
hardest-hit areas – the Pacific’s east-central region and the Atlantic’s
northwest, west-central and southeast sectors.

-excerpted from AP, July 24

2 billion more Third World
people predicted by 2030

WASHINGTON – By the year 2030, the world will have nearly 3 billion more
people than now, [actually 3.6 billion. -Ed.] 2 billion of them in countries
where the average person earns less than $2 a day, the World Bank predicts in
its latest report.
It estimates that the global figure will reach 8,474,017,000, compared with
5,692,210,000 in 1995.
People will live longer, too. The average African baby born today can
expect to live to age 54; one born in 2030 in Africa should have 63 years ahead
of it. [Not bloody likely! -Ed.]
By 2030, the bank says, Africa will grow from 720 million to 1.6 billion.
“Who will feed and house these people?” the bank president, Lewis T.
Preston, asked in a statement. The bank is the largest source of aid loans to
the Third World, many of them for houses, schools and public services.

-excerpted from AP, August 4

Bullshit! The World Bank spent the last twenty years destroying sustainable
agriculture all over the world. Countries that can barely feed themselves are
forced to grow export crops and import our manufactured crap in return. The
“loans” go straight into the pockets of the local CIA-trained dictators so that
giant corporations can come in and buy up all the land. The “peasants” get
kicked off the land they’ve lived on for generations, but that’s okay because
they make good slave labor. American livestock get fat on imported grain while
the “third world” starves. Delicious hamburger! Pass the ketchup! The World
Bank also arranges for toxic heavy industries to relocate to places where there
aren’t any environmental laws. Isn’t that nice? Fuck the World Bank! They
suck!

Senate OK’s $12.5b in funds
for schools, antigay plan

WASHINGTON – The Senate adopted a $12.5 billion school funding bill
yesterday, but an antigay provision almost guarantees a continuing debate
before the legislation becomes law.
The Elementary and Secondary Education Act was approved, 94-6, after almost
three days of sometimes contentious debate that saw inclusion of an amendment
that would cut federal funds to school districts that teach acceptance of
homosexuality.
“This legislation represents another main part of our efforts in this
Congress to improve American education,” Sen. Edward M. Kennedy, chairman of
the Senate Labor and Human Resources Committee, said after the vote.
Schools that distribute instructional materials or offer counseling
services portraying homosexuality as an acceptable lifestyle or that refer
students to gay organizations for counseling could lose their federal funds
under the provision.

-excerpted from AP, August 3

This kind of shit makes me sick to my stomach. The population is increasing by
a million people every four days and these morons want to close down schools
that help queers. People wonder why I support human extinction. We should
worship queers! At least they don’t reproduce! Hello? Senator Kennedy? SAVE
THE PLANET! KILL YOURSELF!

“The Being” sighted on the Boston Common

In case you weren’t there, September 10 was Population Awareness Day on the
Boston Common. A variety of “politically correct” organizations including Zero
Population Growth, the Seirra Club, Cleanwater Action, and Mass Choice were
sitting at tables around the fountain near Park Street quietly minding their
own business, when who should show up but the Church of Euthanasia! Rev. Chris
Korda led the way in a very nice flower print number, carrying a stick topped
by a bloody carnivorous baby. She was followed by a dozen church members,
including such notables as Noise editor T-Max, clad in black “Save The Planet
Kill Yourself” T-shirts and swinging smoking incense stenchers. The alien
intelligence known only as “The Being” also made a rare appearance for this
gala event. It moved quite slowly, apparently unused to Earth’s gravity, and
was shielded from harmful negative energy by a 100 foot long strip of white
fabric carried by church members. The organizers stood transfixed in horror as
the group circled the fountain twice, chanting and rolling a giant RU-486 pill.
The group then formed a protective circle around “The Being,” while Rev. Korda
and Pastor Scott engaged in a simultaneous reading of population-related facts,
including “Production of excrement by U.S. human population: 12,000 pounds per
second! Production of excrement by U.S. livestock: 250,000 pounds per second!”
The crowd reacted with a mixture of confusion and rage, and a climax was
reached when the group, in an effort to get their point across, began chanting
“Kill the planet! Save yourself!” After an hour or so, the organizers forced
Park Ranger Doherty to politely move the Church elsewhere. None of the
organizers we interviewed would admit to kicking the church out, though Mark
Rogers of ZPG was quoted as saying “I was disgusted with it. After some
time…people there asked them leave.”

INTERVIEW WITH SEBASTIAN

The following interview was recently conducted by Pastor Scott with Sebastian,
an active member of the Church of Euthanasia’s Youth Outreach Program (YOG).

PS: Sebastian, just how did you become a member of the Church of Euthanasia?
Sebastian: I was sitting at the epicenter of the Zero Population Growth Rally
on the Boston Common. It was dull. I was leaning against the fountain when I
saw these two guys walk by with tee-shirts that read “Save the Planet. Kill
Yourself.” On the back it read “Church of Euthanasia. Suicide, Abortion,
Cannibalism, Sodomy.” It was the first and only thing I saw at the rally that
day that made any sense. I yelled out, “Hey, you guys with the Church of
Euthanasia?” It was you and Pastor Kim, but it was Pastor Kim that smiled in
that overzealous way of his, you know, and said, “follow us.” So I did. It
was cool.
PS: So, you felt an immediate kinship with the church?
Sebastian: Oh, yeah. I joined up right away. Within a half an hour after
that I was walking along side the rest of the church members when we crashed
the rally, with this ten foot tall alien, swinging incense burners smoking up
this terrific haze, a fifty pound RU-486 pill made out of a cable spool, and
this hundred-foot long banner which said absolutely nothing. It didn’t have
to. The point must have been clear to everyone there: the organizers, the
participants, the rangers. Even the tourists were snapping photos. I think it
was the director of the rally that made the loudest snap. He looked like he
was having some kind of seizure. It was cool.
PS: What do you do when you’re not involved in Church functions?
Sebastian: The night before I met you guys I fell asleep down at the
waterfront after drinking a bottle of vodka. I couldn’t feel my right arm
after that. It was totally numb for maybe 24 hours. When I first met you guys
I was reading the Satanic Bible.
PS: So, how has the Church of Euthanasia changed your life?
Sebastian: That’s the best part. It hasn’t. When I need money I usually head
down to the armory across from Park Plaza. Old guys drive up in white Coup de
Villes. Actually the car doesn’t make that much of a difference. The larger
cars just mean we have more room, if we don’t go to a motel room. They’re not
going to take me back to their homes. These guys have families. The younger
guys get their action out of the bars. But tonight I’m going to spend some
time with my boyfriend and some cocaine. It’ll be cool.
PS: So you’re the troubled youth we’ve heard so much about?
Sebastian: Who? Who’s heard about me?
PS: Time, Newsweek, Mike Barnicle.
Sebastian: Oh yeah, that’s me, I am America’s troubled youth. I like the
Church because it’s helped me to clarify my own beliefs. I don’t like
legalistic or dogmatic religious hierarchies. The primary dictate of the
satanic lifestyle is do what thou wilt. That’s cool. It’s got this certain
appeal for me. I plan to die by the time I’m twenty. I’m going to take myself
out on Hemlock and morphine. With the right mix it’s going to be the Hemlock
that’ll kill me, and not the morphine. I want to be lucid all the way through.
I want to see what I’m getting into, and I want it to be too late to turn
around when I do. It’ll be cool.
PS: So how do you plan to spend your life until your death?
Sebastian: The Socratic cocktail is only the final act. I’m killing myself
now. I have no possessions that I couldn’t give away in a heartbeat. I’m
indulging in total excess. The spiritual waters are poisoned, and I’m drinking
freely. So, I’m expending myself while the world gets eaten. I’d rather be in
the street eating human flesh than devouring the continents from my living
room. I prefer direct experience. So, I feel pretty good about my own death.
If I lived an extra ten years, I’d probably lose faith and end up dying with
the planet, mourning everyone’s death including my own. Too bad I have to miss
it; mass-extinction of humans, that’ll be cool.
PS: You seem pretty convinced that the world is going downhill.
Sebastian: I don’t have to be. I used to just show up at funerals. I’ve
probably been to a hundred. I just mingle in with the crowd and the family
members. A lot of times I get the feeling that the people there feel guilty
for how they treated the guest of honor. When I go on the endangered species
list it’ll be the same way. It’ll be cool.
PS: What’s your favorite movie?
Sebastian: Harold and Maud.
PS: I had a feeling. You seem very articulate. How old are you?
Sebastian: Fourteen.
PS: Do you shave yet?
Sebastian: No, not yet. Shaving will be cool.

DADA ON THE INTERNET

On Saturday, September 10, the Church of Euthanasia sent out 17,553 Save The
Planet Kill Yourself e-mail messages on the Internet. Individuals around the
world were exposed to pure Dada. Many of them joined the church immediately.
During the following week, controversy raged on the Internet. Issue #1 of
Snuff It was widely disseminated, and on Sunday the 18th, the church’s first
e-sermon was delivered.

Greetings, and welcome to the Church of Euthanasia. Hopefully almost all
of you have received issue number one of our journal by now. I am sure that
many questions still remain, and I’ll try to address the most popular ones,
which are how, and why.
How did we find you? A detailed explanation would not be appropriate here,
but suffice it to say that all of you have posted to one or more of the same
newsgroups over the last month or so. These newsgroups were carefully chosen
for their degree of intersection with the core principles of the church. We
knew that many would react negatively to our methods, but felt this was
outweighed by the need to make a widespread, immediate impact.
Why did we do this? As many of you are no doubt aware, the population
summit concluded this week in Cairo. If you have been following it in the
papers, you will know that almost nothing of any substance was accomplished.
Most of the conference was devoted to an acrimonious battle with the new
Vatican-Muslim alliance over whether the various charters that were signed
could contain the words “abortion” and “contraception.”
Meanwhile, entire nations are starving to death, while Americans watch it
on television. Almost every day for the last month there has been at least one
article in the Boston Globe about overpopulation. Many of them have stated
clearly that the population is expected to double in twenty years. This news
might as well be on the sports page; the spectacle continues without
interruption.
The turbines still spin, the oil is still sucked out of the earth, the cars
and trucks still poison the air. The consumers still stand in line in
supermarkets to buy food wrapped in plastic. The ideals displayed on American
television still dominate the daily lives of billions of human beings. What
will man do when even the bottled water is poisonous? What will he do when the
air makes him sick, and the sun is so strong he can’t go outside anymore?
The planet is a living being, and quite capable of self-defense. If the
two-leggeds cannot control their numbers, she will do it for them, and her
measures will be harsh. Read the Hopi prophecies. Many of them have already
come true. Now is the time of “koyaanisqatsi,” or “life out of balance.”
The Internet is the backbone of the so-called “cyberculture,” an impossible
vision of the future in which men “rule” the Earth through machines. It is for
this reason most of all that we felt it so important to target the Internet.
Messages were delivered to the Whitehouse, to heads of corporations, to
high-ranking members of the military, to scientists, professors, and just
regular folks. Needless to say, many of the recipients are upset. This is a
regrettable, but necessary consequence of any Dada action.
Dada turns people upside down, by temporarily destroying one or more of
their everyday assumptions. The suspension of “normal” assumptions allows
messages that would ordinarily be screened out to penetrate, even if only for a
short time. The method is unpleasant, but highly effective when dealing with
strong indoctrination such as that provided by television programming, or
university education, for example. Internet users are by in large highly
educated members of the elite, and therefore very likely to be indoctrinated.
The Internet is far more than a communication system, a web of wires and
computers: the Internet is a set of assumptions, based on the specific
world-view of its creators. Who are these creators, and what is their
world-view? The Internet depends directly on the institutions of the consumer
culture, including the federal government, the military, and the universities
and corporations that cooperate with them. Let us not forget that the Internet
has its roots in ARPAnet (the Department of “Defense”) and NSFnet (the National
“Science” Foundation). The Defenders of Science. Why are they defending
science? Who are they defending it from?
They are defending it from us, my friends, from the Church of Euthanasia
and many other groups like us who oppose their senseless war with our Mother
the Earth. Their schools teach that what cannot be measured, does not exist.
This is Empiricism, the foundation of the Spectacle, the principle that
Socrates died for. Their leaders say that everyone is entitled to as much as
they want, of whatever they want, if they have the money to buy it. This is
the American Way, of life and liberty and the pursuit of happiness for the
violent and ruthless. Their elites are determined to fight to the bitter end
for their world-view. Their God is Moloch, who eats his children, leaving only
filth, solitude, and ugliness. In the words of the Cree People:

Only after the last tree has been cut down,
Only after the last river has been poisoned,
Only after the last fish has been caught,
Only then will you realize that money cannot be eaten.

Let us pray.

Spirits of the four directions, East, South, West, and North,
Powers of the Elements, Air, Fire, Water, and Earth,
Wheel of the seasons, Spring, Summer, Fall, and Winter,
Be here now, as we invoke this sacred space,
And for a moment in time, free ourselves from all limitations, From all
delusions of separateness.
Be here now, and help us, to draw our spirits down
From the lonely flights of the ego, into our bodies,
And let us be filled with the joy of your limitless light,
Beyond the bounds of time,
Where night and day,
Birth and death,
Joy and sorrow,
Meet as one.

CONFESSIONS OF A HERETIC

Are you really serious? Kill ourselves and our children and each other in
order to reduce the population? So that WHO can remain to enjoy the Earth, the
only life given to us? Perhaps I am selfish, but I do not want to die until I
really HAVE to. I kind of enjoy being alive, you know? If I am correct, then
if I kill myself, then I will be dead, forever. I think your approach to the
overpopulation problem is sick and evil. Did you ever think that maybe slowing
down the rate at which we multiply might help? This is, statistically
speaking, happening in North America right now. Due to the evils of Economy,
most people can’t afford to have more than one or two children. Fifty years
ago, their parents were having four children. Fifty years before that, eight
to ten children. These days most people don’t even wish to reproduce. Nothing
wrong with that. Perhaps it would be a good idea to force people to sterilize
themselves after they have their second child. 2 people have 2 children, later
on, the net result is Zero Growth. This might even work or something, and it
is much less grim than what you propose. Where in the world is the highest
population growth rate? Try the very areas of the planet where people are
starving to death and fighting over who rules plot X in area Y, and I’d say
you’d be right on the money. These people have no food, live in the worst
possible conditions imaginable, and here they are irresponsibly reproducing
like rabbits. What the hell can we do about THEM? Not a damn thing. Suppose
I actually take you seriously and believe you really do believe in suicide and
the rest. Then, by extension, I would assume that all those members of your
Church believe in it also. Okay, here’s the part I don’t get: you believe in
suicide as the solution, yet you’re all still alive. The way I see it, if you
were REALLY serious, you would pass on word of your grand solution, then
promptly kill yourself. But you’re still here, so you’re hypocritical, just
like all the people you say you’re against. See you in Hell. Oops, I forgot,
there IS no afterlife. Seriously. Why would someone such as myself who
believes that this is the only life I get want to do myself in? The illogic is
astounding. Bye.

-Colin S. Reid’s evil twin “Sodhead”

Dear Sodhead,

Yes, we are serious. Americans have been insulated from the tremendous
suffering their world-view has caused. In the very near future, Americans will
be getting a taste of their own medicine, and they’ll be wishing they had
followed our advice. By the way, we never said anything about killing children
or each other. That’s homicide, not suicide.

>Did you ever think that maybe slowing down the rate at which we multiply might
>help? This is, statistically speaking, happening in North America right now.

The Church has only one commandment, and it is: THOU SHALT NOT PROCREATE.
This doesn’t help us much in America, however, since “the average American
consumes roughly 100 times the resources of one tribeswoman in Kenya, and about
ten times as much as the average world citizen.” (Harvard zoologist E.O.Wilson)

>Perhaps I am selfish, but I do not want to die until I really HAVE to.

Yes, you are selfish, but at least you know it. There is hope.

>Perhaps it would be a good idea to force people to sterilize themselves after
>they have their second child.

The Church of Euthanasia is opposed to all INVOLUNTARY methods of population
reduction, including forced sterilization.

>Where in the world is the highest population growth rate? Try the very areas
>of the planet where people are starving to death and fighting . . .

The reason the birth rates are so high in the so-called “third-world” is
because the industrial nations, particularly the United States, have squeezed
everything of value out of those countries for hundreds of years. Birth rates
are directly related to life expectancy. When animals feel threatened, they
breed more, in an effort to increase their chances of survival. What we can do
about “THEM” is either (a) reduce the amount of resources we consume, or (b)
reduce our population. The Church supports BOTH of these options. I suggest
you start feeling some PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY for the fact that “these people”
have no food and live in the worst conditions imaginable. You could start by
becoming a vegetarian, for example.

>The way I see it, if you were REALLY serious, you would pass on word of your
>grand solution, then promptly kill yourself.

Just because I haven’t done it yet doesn’t mean I’m not serious! Besides, what
makes you think your SELF is so important? Kill it! You’ll be much better off
without it! The sooner human beings start behaving like a SPECIES, the sooner
we can get beyond all these drastic solutions. Maybe if enough people change
their world-views, I won’t NEED to kill myself!

>Oops, I forgot, there IS no afterlife. Seriously. Why would someone such as
>myself who believes that this is the only life I get want to do myself in?

That is the root of the problem, right there. As long as you believe you are
alone in the universe and that death is final, you will be part of the problem.
Forget it! Let go of all that rationalist, existential crap! Fuck Plato and
Aristotle and Hume and Kant and Freud and Francis Bacon! Go read the Hopi
propehecies! The earth is a LIVING BEING! Get down on your knees! Pray to
the Earth Mother! Pray to your dung! Thou art that! Hallelujah!

-Rev. Chris Korda

THIS OLD CERVIX
Sister Catherine

No breeding. If I have to explain this concept to another friend or relative I
will vomit. I have been attacked by my breeding cousin. I have even been
attacked by my gay friends, individuals who agree with the pillars of the
church, but not the commandment. The thought of bringing another human life
into existence to feed from the earth terrifies me. The condition and quality
of life on this planet should convince anyone that procreation is a bad idea.
Pregnant women should be racing to the abortion clinic, or even better, to the
pharmacy for an RU-486 pill. No such luck. Many believe that it’s okay for
some of us to have children, and that America should impose birth regulations
(mass sterilization, forced contraception) on welfare and low-income families
and poverty-stricken nations. Wrong! Americans should reduce their
population, because they consume so much more than everyone else! Why is this
so difficult to understand?

When people try to defend their reasons for becoming parents, the hypocrisy and
absurdity are most interesting. Babies and children are one of the largest
consumer groups in America. Diapers, formulas, toys, and children’s clothes
flood the malls and advertising. Children’s books and television programs like
Barney and Sesame Street are huge industries. Raising a child in typical
American-dream fashion requires a fortune in resources, and the results are
ghastly. The children become competitive and greedy; as adults they are
selfish, unhappy workers trying to keep up with the Jones’s. Few enough adults
manage to climb out of the cesspool of western consumer society. Children are
unable to save themselves; they must be protected from the American world-view
and guided into a balanced relationship with the earth.

Animals learn by example. They watch and assimilate the behavior of their
parents. People also learn by example. They watch and assimilate the behavior
of their televisions. Each person who refuses to create more consumers sets an
alternative example. If the planet is going to survive, it needs a chance to
heal, to recover from the damage we have caused. The most important action any
one individual can take to help save the planet is to stop breeding.

CROSS-DRESSINGS FOR A CANNIBALIZED GOD
Raven Drake

To Dress means 1) to clothe and adorn 2) to strip, whip, and scold, hence
to redress: to strike a balance, make equal; share and share alike – (humans
striking a balance with the earth; men sharing duties, tasks and clothes with
women, etc.) “atonement” 3) to garnish food 4) to heal or bandage wounds 5) all
of the above…
The transfer of “god-power”/”soul-substance” through devouring the body and
the blood of the god-victim is alive and well in the Christian rite of
transubstantiation. Christians claim by this doctrine that the bread and wine
of the eucharist is entirely transformed into Jesus’s flesh and blood. The
martyred Christ repeated the claim: “Who so eateth my flesh and drinketh my
blood hath eternal life.” Like the Greek god Dionysus, god of wine, ecstacy
and madness, Jesus had the role of the dismembered divine son-lover who suffers
death and is resurrected. Dionysus, not unlike Jesus, was described as
“man-womanish” and called “the womanly one[1].”
In order to be “born again,” something he hysterically longed for yet
dreaded, the long-haired Jesus had to “get inside” the earth mother’s unclean
body via the torture cross (both Bride-escort and phallic bridge to the heavens
and the underworld) which was constructed from the tree of the Knowledge of
Good and Evil, the ultimate symbol of the transgendered trickster’s treacherous
truth. Once eaten by “Terra Mata[2]” or nailed to her tree, he was resurrected
soon after. Obviously the Crucifixion represented a kind of “male
menstruation” through ritual castration, a sort of sadomasochistic “love-death
orgy,” or more specifically the sacred hex necessarily put on all
hermaphroditic or transexed gods.
In regard to such nasty “habits” as eating and giving birth, we can’t make
too much of a distinction between the reproductive and digestive systems of
either “Terra Mata” or the transgendered god because in this case
“reproduction” occurs through a kind of reincarnational “death into life”
magic. From tomb to womb and back again, it is more aptly called
“cannibalistic engulfment,” and it brings to mind the “Medusa-like” Hag Queen
from India known as Kali, who squats over her dead/dying lover Shiva and
devours his phallus and entrails with her Vagina Dentata[3].
One of the major reasons why men often fear abortion so much, the Vagina
Dentata represents the end of male mono-gender mating and of course the end of
the false Christian trinity of Father, Son and Holy Ghost. Lacking vaginas,
many gods gave birth through their mouths, or from their heads, thighs, ears,
or armpits. Some even managed to become pregnant by eating a rival’s penis.
Men wanted to preserve at any price the notion that a male could give birth
without the need of a woman. Since a man’s semen conveyed his soul to a fetus,
if the fetus were destroyed then surely the man himself would suffer spiritual
injury, hence he outlawed abortion, not because it was dangerous to women, but
because it was thought dangerous to men. This is a symptom of the famous
“fetal identification syndrome,” the masculine identification with fetal tissue
resulting from male dread that men “live” by connecting themselves to women,
and to “Mother Earth” as forever fetal/fatal inhabitors, possessors, and
parasites.
“Terra Mata” however is a law unto herself! She represents the planet’s
ecosystem in perfect harmony, and if she has to harm in order to harmonize – so
be it! She coordinates a web of relationships that at times may be hostile,
but they are also essentially complimentary. Her cannibalized transgendered
gods and aborted children share the same destiny as all living creatures. A
voracious, unbiased womb-mouth feeding upon old forms and giving life to new
forms, she went to war with and made love to all the “hunted hunters” and
“overpopulating consumers” – Those humans who arrogantly take more than she can
give. She is an ecologically conscientious Cannibal Queen who not unlike
Nemesis, the Retributive Avenger, demands reciprocal exchange between herself
and those who inhabit her body. She will maintain this life/death balance at
all costs!

1 Yahweh/Jehovah/Jesus originally meant Hovah/Hawwah – “Mother of all Living.”
Her name implied cosmic laughter and the incomprehensible speech of the sacred
trickster, but invoked the ultimate question/cause, “How?” implying there is an
undecodable method to her madness.

2 Mother Earth.

3 [Pussy teeth. Ed.]

HAPPY COLUMBUS DAY

If you live in America and you haven’t read Howard Zinn’s incredible book A
People’s History of the United States, you should do so immediately. He starts
out with one of my all-time favorite quotes, from Columbus’s journal:

As soon as I arrived in the Indies, on the first Island which I found, I took
some of the natives by force in order that they might learn and might give me
information of whatever there is in these parts.

Columbus didn’t waste any time! Where’s the damn GOLD? No wonder he’s such a
big hero! I wonder what the natives learned? Maybe how to lick boots, or kill
themselves…

They . . . brought us parrots and balls of cotton and spears and many other
things, which they exchanged for the glass beads and hawk’s bells. They
willingly traded everything they owned. . . . They were well-built, with good
bodies and handsome features. . . .They do not bear arms, and do not know them,
for I showed them a sword, they took it by the edge and cut themselves out of
ignorance. They have no iron. Their spears are made of cane. . . . They would
make fine servants. . . . With fifty men we could subjugate them all and make
them do whatever we want.

What a MAN! He gets me all excited when he talks like that! Apparently the
Spaniards got tired of walking after a while, “and rode on the back of Indians
if they were in a hurry.” They were also fond “of knifing them by tens and
twenties and of cutting slices off them to test the sharpness of their blades.”

Now, from his base on Haiti, Columbus sent expedition after expedition into the
interior. They found no gold fields, but had to fill up the ships returning to
Spain with some kind of dividend. In the year 1495, they went on a great slave
raid, rounded up fifteen hundred Arawak men, women and children, put them in
pens guarded by Spaniards and dogs, then picked the five hundred best specimens
to load onto ships. Of those five hundred, two hundred died on route. The
rest arrived alive in Spain and were put up for sale by the archdeacon of the
town, who reported that, although the slaves were “naked as the day they were
born,” they showed “no more embarrassment than animals.” Columbus later wrote:
“Let us in the name of the Holy Trinity go on sending all the slaves that can
be sold.”

In God we trust! How come I don’t remember reading any of this in grammar
school? I must have been sick that day…

But too many of the slaves died in captivity. And so Columbus, desperate to
pay back dividends to those who had invested, had to make good on his promise
to fill the ships with gold. In the province of Cicao on Haiti, where he and
his men imagined huge gold fields to exist, they ordered all persons fourteen
years or older to collect a certain amount of gold every three months. When
they brought it, they were given copper tokens to hang around their necks.
Indians found without a copper token had their hands cut off and bled to death.

After all the natives were dead, African slaves were imported, but that’s
another story. Isn’t it great to be an American?

Sleep Is Practice

Morning vigor
Sun rose, birds sung

Afternoon more serious
Work, love, and devour
Evening contemplative
Considerate, reflective, and wise

Night tired, sleep desire
Palliative escape into nothing
My last day will end in sleep
Quiet reward for a busy life

-Pastor Kim

Anyone knowing the whereabouts of Jerry Colantonio (A.K.A. Jerry Cole), last
seen driving a yellow cab on Jersey Street near Fenway Park roughly fifteen
years ago, please contact the Editor.

SUBMIT! SUBMIT! SUBMIT! fiction, non-fiction, poetry and artwork.
Submissions will not be returned unless accompanied by a suitable return
envelope and postage. Next issue: TRANSSEXUAL SODOMY!

SNUFF IT is the more or less quarterly publication of the Church of Euthanasia,
a not-for-profit corporation chartered in the state of Delaware.

editor: Rev. Chris Korda
postal: C.O.E., Box 261, Somerville, MA 02143
e-mail: coe@netcom.com
ftp: ftp.etext.org /pub/Zines/Snuffit
gopher: gopher.etext.org Zines/Snuffit
www: http://paranoia.com/other/

THANKS to Donald, Kim, Scott, Jennifer, Laura, Raven, Sterling, Kev-man,
Andy-man, T Max, Izzy, Kim G., Kevin V., Bobbi, Sebastian, and especially
Catherine and DANE for making this issue possible. Raise your hand if you
drink BOTTLED WATER! Where does it come from? France?

NOTE that while the on-line and printed versions of Snuff It are identical in
terms of text, the printed version contains many photographs and graphic images
that cannot be included here. If you wish to order the printed version, please
consult the following catalog. Many thanks to Rita Rouvalis and Paul
Southworth at the etext archives, Jerod Pore at Factsheet Five,
and KevinTx at paranoia.

THE CHURCH OF EUTHANASIA
PO BOX 261, SOMERVILLE, MA 02143

STPBS The original SAVE THE PLANET, KILL YOURSELF bumper sticker! We’ve sold
over 20,000 of these damn things! White letters on black vinyl, 3″ x 10″, now
available at your nearest Spencer Gifts, or from us, $1 each, or 75 each for
twenty and up, 50 each for 100 and up, for a thousand or more please contact
us!

EPNAS New! New! New! The long-awaited EAT PEOPLE, NOT ANIMALS bumper
sticker (not shown). Same style as STPBS, white letters on black vinyl, 3″ x
10″, $1 each, or 75 each for twenty and up, etc.

STPIB The international SAVE THE PLANET, KILL YOURSELF bumper sticker, easily
understood in any language, red and black on white vinyl, 3″ x 5″, $1 each, or
75 each for twenty and up, etc.

STP12 We’re down to our last few of these! SAVE THE PLANET, KILL YOURSELF,
the incredible hit from the Church of Euthanasia on KEVORKIAN RECORDS! Rev.
Korda receives regular communications from the “Being.” The messages arrive
via psychic channelling, or “demons in her head.” The Being is a powerful
alien intelligence who speaks for the inhabitants of Earth in other dimensions.
Move to the throbbing techno/trance beat while absorbing their hypnotic
suggestions. Be part of the solution! On 12″ vinyl, $6 each.

DEMCD Rev. Korda’s DEMONS IN MY HEAD is in a category by itself, according to
Brett Milano of the Boston Phoenix. Subtitled “An Environmental Punishment in
D Minor,” this forty-four minute one-track soundscape will permanently affect
your subconscious mind. Dante’s Inferno pales by comparison. Right up there
with Eraserhead. On CD only, $10 each, or $7.50 each for ten and up.

KEVTS Be the envy of all your friends! Wear a KEVORKIAN RECORDS T-shirt!
This elegant shirt features the international SAVE THE PLANET, KILL YOURSELF
symbols. You’ll attract attention in any country. White ink on black 100%
cotton T-shirt. Specify L or XL. $10 each, limited edition, so hurry!

COETS The official CHURCH OF EUTHANASIA T-shirt! We are truly blessed! It
says SAVE THE DEMCP A gorgeous 11″ x 14″ color poster of that creepy DEMONS IN
MY HEAD cover. A collector’s item. Get them while they last. $3 each.

JESPS “Jesus died for our sins, and so should you.” An 11″ x 15″ black and
white poster that graphically depicts the Four Pillars of the church, with
Jesus crucified above them. $2 each.

SNFYR A subscription to SNUFF IT, the quarterly magazine of the Church of
Euthanasia. Disgusting. A must. Only $10 for six issues, and you
automatically become a card-carrying member of the church! Includes lovely
stamped membership certificate, suitable for framing. Sample issue 2$. BACK
ISSUES of Snuff It #1 are still available for $2, but quantities are LIMITED so
hurry!

ORDERING INFORMATION:

These prices are dated October 1994. We reserve the right to change these
prices at any time. All prices include postage and handling. Please include
your address and PHONE NUMBER so we can reach you if there is a problem. Write
neatly, and use item codes when ordering. PLEASE make checks payable to THE
CHURCH OF EUTHANASIA. Cash is OK for orders under $5, but please wrap it
securely to avoid postal theft. We are NOT responsible for any damage
resulting from exposure to these products.

0

SNUFF IT

The Quarterly Magazine of the Church of Euthanasia

EDITORIAL

Greetings, dear reader, and welcome to the first issue of Snuff It, the
quarterly magazine of the Church of Euthanasia. Just in case you’re not
already a member of the church, I’ll take this opportunity to explain our
theology. The church has four core principles, or “pillars”, and they are
(drum roll please) suicide, abortion, cannibalism, and sodomy. Now, you may
ask yourself, why do we support these things? What do they all have in common?
Yes, of course they’re all good fun, but the real answer is that they all help
reduce the population.
An article that appeared in the Boston Globe on March 5 revealed that the
world’s population, currently 5.7 billion, will reach 8 billion by the year
2020. Undersecretary of state Timothy Wirth was quoted as saying that two
billion people don’t get enough to eat, and another 500 million go to bed
hungry. “Over the next 35 to 40 years, we need to triple the amount of food in
the world,” Wirth said. “But there’s no more arable land, and the water supply
isn’t growing.”
The scientific consensus is that if the world’s population continues to
increase at its current rate, and if the industrial nations, particularly the
United States, continue to blindly exhaust and pollute the planet to feed their
limitless economic growth, the Earth’s ecosystem will gradually collapse,
causing famine, disease and war on an unimaginable scale. With these
prospects, suicide will become an increasingly sane, heroic, and even
fashionable alternative.
Since Americans consume and pollute so much more than everyone else, it
seems logical that we should be the first to go. Every imaginable resource is
extracted from the Earth by slave labor, and transported to our shopping malls
so that we can live in luxury. Our media provides us with constant diversion,
while insulating us from any responsibility for our ecosystem. We are
thoroughly indoctrinated and believe we are highly civilized. Apparently we
measure civilization by how far away we can transport our dung. Why do we hate
our dung so?
In an earlier period of history many of us feared our species would be
destroyed by nuclear war. In 1948, a zoologist named Fairfield Osborn
correctly predicted that the primary threat to our species was topsoil
depletion. He calculated that two and one-half acres of average topsoil are
required to sustain one human, and further observed that if our planet’s less
than four billion acres of topsoil were divided by our population of two
billion at most two acres were available.
In the subsequent period we have permitted our population to more than
double. Our rate of topsoil erosion continues to increase, and we are rapidly
contaminating what remains with toxic chemicals. Already entire nations have
become uninhabitable deserts. Their populations flee, or are left kill each
other and die of starvation, as recent events in Somalia and Ethiopia
illustrate. It is truly ironic that the earliest known human remains have been
discovered in Ethiopia. To look at Ethiopia today is to look at our future.
Our species faces extinction.
What, dear reader, can YOU do? Well, first of all, you can KEEP READING,
and second, you can JOIN the Church of Euthanasia! Be part of the solution!
Write to us! Send us articles! Send us MONEY! Until next time…

SNUFF IT is the quarterly publication of the Church of Euthanasia, a
not-for-profit corporation chartered in the state of Delaware. Box 261,
Somerville, MA 02143. Editor: Chris Korda.

LETTERS TO THE EDITOR

Dear Editor,

After our war in Iraq, Stephen Hess of the Brookings Institute commented that
“Bill Clinton needed to be a patriot” because he avoided service in Vietnam.
Am I the only one who finds Clinton’s “patriotism” repulsive? As with Vietnam,
the media was quick to criticize the president’s action, but only on tactical
grounds. The war left “tyranny intact”, and the Boston Globe called for Bill
Clinton to help “the Iraqi people overthrow their tyrant”. If I publicly
called for the American people to overthrow Bill Clinton, I would be arrested
for sedition!
The average American consumes roughly 100 times the resources of one
tribeswoman in Kenya, and about ten times as much as the average world citizen.
Harvard zoologist E.O. Wilson has calculated that if the rest of the Earth
used resources at the rate the United States and Japan do, the planet could
sustain a population of only 200 million. The United States directly supports
tyrants all over the world, so long as they allow us to exploit their
resources. Like the Mafia, we make examples out of both Vietnam and Iraq
because they refuse to play along.
The media concentrates our “patriotism” on these few tyrants who are
foolish enough to oppose us, in order to raise public support for punishing or
killing them. The “useful” tyrants are ignored if possible, or if necessary,
their hideous crimes are reported as mysterious “civil wars”. The Globe
recently lamented that “the world paid little heed…as Indonesian troops
killed thousands of separatists” in Timor without even mentioning that this
slaughter was paid for almost entirely by United States taxpayers through
direct military aid!

-Noam Chomsky, Rm 20D-219, MIT, Cambridge, MA 02139

I couldn’t have put it better myself! -Ed.

Sirs:

What kind of “church” promotes death? The New Testament meaning of the word
church denotes an organized community acknowledging the Lord Jesus Christ as
their supreme ruler, and meeting statedly or as opportunities offer for
religious worship. The purpose for Christ’s coming to earth was to bring life.
God is life, and God is love. That is why your use of the word church in
connection with terms such as euthanasia and suicide is a contradiction in
terminology. As a mother and grandmother I appeal to you to cease distribution
of bumper stickers and other propaganda that promotes death.

-Shirley Spencer, Box 12609, Oklahoma City, OK 73157

It’s dinner time! Send us your virgins! -Ed.

THE OCTOPUS

Here in the United States, you are under constant surveillance. The computers
of the National Security Agency routinely monitor all domestic and
international communications. Transmissions containing certain combinations of
key words are recorded and carefully scrutinized. There is now substantial
evidence that “octopus” is one of those words.
Far away, turbines the size of houses are spinning. They are the
glistening heart of the octopus. Millions of miles of high tension lines march
across the countryside, the veins and arteries, carrying the precious blood to
millions of faceless apartment buildings, crumbling brownstones, rotting wooden
houses covered with vinyl, and suburban homes all exactly alike. The
capillaries bring blood to the skin, smooth white walls with plenty of outlets.
Listen to the hum of the octopus.
The octopus wraps his tentacles around the Earth and feeds hungrily. He
rips deep holes in her flesh, and sucks up her sweet essences, water and oil
and gas. He piles up her flesh in great mounds, and chews it, swallowing the
resources he seeks, spitting out what remains into her rivers and poisoning
them. Her most secret treasures are looted, digested, and excreted. He digs
pits for his excrement, and they are filled, and still he excretes more.
You are herded into trains and buses like cattle, or sit for hours in tiny
chariots that belch noxious fumes. You are packed into long rows of identical
grey cubicles, where you twitch your fingers and talk into boxes joined by
wires. The boxes talk back, and you talk to each other as if you were in the
same room. The buildings you work in have windows that can never be opened.
Your masters fear the air, and rightly so. Breath is life, and their rule is
death.
You return to your cells in darkness, recline on soft cushions, and watch
soothing colored lights on glass screens. Food is transported from all over
the world, prepared by less fortunate slaves, and delivered to you. You
excrete in water closets that empty through labyrinths of pipe into the ocean,
and the only hunting you do is for places to park your chariots.
War rages in distant lands, though you are no longer permitted to see it on
your screens. The battle over the dwindling resources grows uglier. Whole
nations are left to starve, and encouraged to destroy one another. There are
riots and looting in your cities, and martial law is declared. Then, for the
first time, your tallest building is almost destroyed. Your elites begin to
fear for their property, and know that only the strongest of them will survive.
The octopus clings more tightly as the planet dies. Your bodies become
weak, as your water and food grow more poisonous. In the summer the air is
unbreathable and you are warned to stay inside. Soon there are shortages, and
even you go hungry. Your leaders lose control, and fight each other. The
holes in your atmosphere expand, and there are oxygen wars. The octopus
empties the Earth, and her surface begins to collapse, causing tremendous
earthquakes. Waves wash over your cities as your continent sinks.
Only the simultaneous enlightenment of your entire species can prevent
this. You are the eyes of the world and the crown of creation. Surrender,
before it is too late, and slay the octopus. You cannot possibly win your war
with the Earth.

You
Are the crown of creation
And you’ve got no place to go
Soon
You will attain the stability you strive for
In the only way that it’s granted
In a place among the fossils
Of our time

-The Jefferson Airplane

GLOOM AND DOOM

In the seconds it takes you to read this sentence, 24 people will be added to
the Earth’s population.

Before you’ve finished this paragraph, that number will reach 1000. Within an
hour…11,100. By day’s end…260,000.

Before you go to bed two nights from now, the net growth in human numbers will
be enough
to fill a city the size of San Francisco.

It took four million years for humanity to reach the 2 billion mark. Only 30
years to add a third billion. And now we’re increasing by 95 million every
single year.

No wonder they call it the human race.

Source: Zero Population Growth
1400 16th Street NW, Suite 320, Washington, DC 20036

If current trends continue, world population, currently at 5.5 billion, will
nearly triple to 14 billion within the next century. Moreover, new Census
Bureau projections show that the U.S. population will likely increase by 50
percent in only 57 years — from 256 in 1992 to 383 million in 2050. Although
the United States is home to only 5 percent of the world’s population, we are
responsible for using 23 percent of the world’s commercial energy, for
producing more garbage than any country in the world, and for generating about
21 percent of the world’s total carbon dioxide emissions — the major
contributing gas to global warming.

Source: Zero Population Growth
1400 16th Street NW, Suite 320, Washington, DC 20036

“Unless the world gets on top of the population explosion, we’re never going to
solve any of the other problems.”

-Rep. Joseph P. Kennedy

We starve, look
At one another, short of breath
Walking proudly in our winter coats
Wearing smells from laboratories
Facing a dying nation
Of moving paper fantasies
Listening for the new told lies
With supreme visions of lonely tunes

-Hair

BIODIVERSITY

Biodiversity reduction is accelerating today largely through the
destruction of natural habitats. Because of the latitudinal diversity
gradient, the greatest loss occurs in tropical moist forests (rain forests) and
coral reefs. The rate of loss of rain forests, down to approximately 55% of
their original cover, was in 1989 almost double that in 1979. Roughly 1.8% of
the remaining forests are disappearing per year.
If current rates of clearing are continued, one-quarter or more of the
species of organisms on Earth will eliminated within 50 years–and even that
pessimistic estimate might be conservative. Moreover, for the first time in
geologic history, plants are being extinguished in large numbers.
Since the overwhelming majority (possibly more than 90%) of species now
exists on land, the 40% human appropriation there alone shows why there is an
extinction crisis. Furthermore, the human population is projected to double in
the next half-century or so–to more than 10 billion people. Most ominous of
all, the widely admired Brundtland Report speaks of a five- to tenfold increase
in global economic activity needed during that period to meet the demands and
aspirations of that exploding population.
The loss of biodiversity should be of concern to everyone. Because Homo
Sapiens is the dominant species on Earth, we and many others think that people
have an absolute responsibility to protect what are our only known living
companions in the universe.

-Excerpted from an article called Biodiversity Studies: Science and Policy by
Harvard zoologists Paul R. Erlich and Edward O. Wilson.

“Without firing a shot, we will kill one-fifth of all species of life on this
planet in the next 20 years.”

-Russell E. Train, World Wildlife Fund

I viddied what I had to do…
and that was to do myself in, to snuff it.

-A Clockwork Orange

ASK CHRISSY

A woman shall not wear anything that pertains to man, nor shall a man wear a
woman’s garment; for whoever does these things is an abomination to the lord.
(Deuteronomy 22:5)

Dear Chrissy,

I want to get off this crappy planet as soon as possible. I’ve tried to
overdose three times now and each time my parents have caught me and had my
stomach pumped. The last time they had me committed to a mental hospital.
What am I doing wrong?

-Restrained in Richmond

Dear Restrained,

First of all, you’re going to have to get yourself out of that dumpy hospital!
Do exactly what they say, take your medication, and tell your therapist
whatever he or she wants to hear. As soon as they let you out, run away. Be
sure to bring your remaining collection of pills. Head for the most remote
area you can find. Deep woods are good, abandoned industrial buildings are
even better, but make sure it’s somewhere that no one will think to look.
Don’t forget to take the pills on an empty stomach, or you’ll be waking up in a
puddle of barf. If you want anyone to find you afterwards, mail them a letter
with directions on the way there. Better luck next time!

THE STATE OF SHIT

It has been fairly well understood for some time now that matter and energy
are interchangeable forms of the same thing. Or as pastor Val is fond of
saying, everything has the properties of both particles and waves. Neither can
be destroyed, and it is widely believed that our universe is composed only of
these two substances, perpetually changing into one another. In keeping with
ancient Hindu tradition, we call the thing which matter and energy are two
different forms of “shit.” Shit exists as particles and waves. The universe
is shit in space.
Gravity is the tendency of shit to attract shit. But how does this work,
you ask? What is the mechanism? Is it a particle or a wave? Neither,
smarty-pants! Gravity is a property of shit. Shit compresses and distorts
dimensional space, including time. Two shits attract one another, by
compressing the so-called “fabric” of dimensional space between them. This is
not unheard of in physics, and is known as continuum theory.
The universe exists in an unknown number of dimensions, and is infinite in
all of them. Imagine everything sliced into two-dimensional planes like a
salami. Each plane is an infinite flat universe of its own. A party in our
universe may keep folks awake in any number of flat universes that happen to
intersect it. In addition, an hassle in a flat universe might not be a hassle
in ours. Suppose a flat universe happens to intersect the great wall of China.
A flat inhabitant has no choice but to go around the wall. This is referred to
in the I Ching as “tough luck”. But what if a flat Genghis Khan could
temporarily jump into the third dimension? He could hop over the flat wall,
return to his own dimension, and go waste flat Peking.
Schools teach you that we inhabit a four-dimensional universe, with time as
the fourth dimension. It would be more accurate to call it a 3D universe. We
can move freely only in the first three dimensions. We are bound to a fixed
direction (forward) and speed (fast) in the fourth. We can only directly
perceive the present. The past and the future can be thought of as an infinite
number of parallel 3D universes which are forever hidden, known to us only by
memory or speculation. We are in exactly the same boat as those poor flat
fuckers.
If one of us could temporarily escape and move freely in the fourth
dimension, seemingly insurmountable obstacles could be easily overcome.
Suppose you were locked in a prison cell. You could simply move backwards or
forwards in time to a point when the door was unlocked, exit the cell, and
return to the time you left, free. From the point of view of the astounded
guards, you would disappear into and reappear from nowhere.
In the same way that 4D reality may contain any number of distinct 3D
universes frozen in time, the 5D universe contains any number of distinct 4D
universes, one of which we happen to inhabit. These parallel universes all
share the same shit. The Earth exists in many distinct 4D universes and is
inhabited by different species in each one.
UFO author Jaques Vallee is correct in maintaining that UFOs are not green
men in spaceships from Alpha Centauri. UFOs are beings capable of movement in
at least five dimensions, and mostly from Earth in parallel 4D universes. They
move by using gravitation to distort dimensional space, shrinking or stretching
it as necessary. This concept has appeared in science fiction, and was
referred to in Frank Herbert’s Dune trilogy as “folding space.”
Physicists generally agree that black holes exist and that they are
composed of shit, with density approaching the infinite. Typical projections
assume the density of thousands of suns in a body the size of Earth.
Physicists say that whole galaxies are rushing towards each other and
presumably colliding in a terrible shit-storm to become flies on the black
hole’s windshield. The truth is stranger.
The black hole’s density increases linearly towards the its center. The
center is a vertex of infinite density, and since infinite density compresses
space infinitely, dimensional space does not exist at the vertex. The galaxies
are not colliding at all. The space between the galaxies is being compressed,
until the objects arrive at the vertex and are propelled through it into a
parallel universe. Suppose the Earth went through a black hole. We might
never notice. Our shit would be shrinking as our space was compressed, but how
would we know? Our rulers would be shrinking too (no pun intended).
Imagine I have a tiny, tiny speck of a black hole in a paint jar, and that
the paint jar somehow contains the black hole. The speck weighs more than the
sun, but somehow the paint jar isolates it and I can carry the black hole
around in my pocket. I might only have to remove the lid of the jar for a
billionth of a second to squirt myself out of the universe like a grapefruit
seed! This is how UFOs travel.
The discovery that UFOs are actually from Earth explains a variety of
mysteries. Why have the UFOs been known to every human society throughout
history? Because they’ve always been here! Why do they come to Earth when
they have the whole universe to explore? Because they live here! Why are they
being sighted more and more frequently, in increasingly violent episodes,
particularly near the sites of weapons of mass destruction? Because this is
their planet too and they don’t like the way we’re treating it! This last
point is especially interesting. Nuclear explosions have an unpleasant effect
on the Earth in many more dimensions than our own. We are blowing huge fucking
holes in someone else’s back yard, and they don’t like it. Our nuclear
experiments seem crude and very dangerous to them, like a small child with a
chemistry set. The recent sightings in Brazil suggest that our neighbors are
preparing to take more aggressive action to contain us.
Interestingly, pastor Val has seen UFOs hanging around new age crystal
shows. Why would UFOs be interested in crystals? The so-called “occult”
forces are multidimensional influences. Crystals and other riches of the Earth
are powerful and desirable in all universes. Good for you, good for them. Bad
for them, BAD FOR YOU!

BEING UPDATE

As many of you know, Rev. Korda receives regular communications from the
“Being”. These messages arrive via psychic channelling, i.e. voices or
“demons” in her head. The Being is a powerful alien intelligence who speaks
for the inhabitants of the planet Earth in various parallel dimensions. One of
the more recent messages instructed her to make a hit record. Rev. Korda has
of course faithfully followed those instructions, and the result is the amazing
12″ techno single Save The Planet, Kill Yourself recently released on Kevorkian
Records. The lyrics are hereby transcribed word for word, as they were
received from the Being:

Greetings.
We are not of this planet.
We do not understand
Your strange customs.
Your planet’s ecosystem
Is failing.
Your leaders deny this.
Explain.

Your leaders deny this.
Your leaders deny this.
Your leaders deny this.
Your leaders deny this.

Why
Do your leaders lie to you?
Why
Do so many of you believe these lies?
Explain
Your strange customs.
Why
Believe these lies?

Save the planet.
Kill yourself.
Save the planet!
Kill yourself.

THE BOGGLE FACTOR

At a party not long ago, someone asked me: “What do you do?” I replied:
“I am the warden of Devil’s Island.” A joke, dear reader, and an example of
the boggle factor.
There are certain statements which seem inherently unbelievable: “There
was no Holocaust,” for example. “Bill Clinton will lower taxes.” Etc. Etc.
Having established some degree of definition, we now take up the much-discussed
matter of UFO abductions. A Harvard professor, my dear friends, has weighed in
on the subject. One John E. Mack, M.D., on the staff of The Cambridge
Hospital, has contributed to the discussion ABDUCTION (Human Encounters With
Aliens). At the behest of “Snuff It” I have read this book carefully, even
taking detailed notes on the first two chapters. I confess myself much
boggled. Take note of the fact that the book costs $22.00 plus tax, and that
it is published by Scribners.
The status of UFO literature is peculiar. Many books are privately
published, and never reach, or somehow vanish from the commercial publishing
scene. Looking over Dr. Mack’s four pages of bibliography, I see many
references to obscure texts. I also see huge gaps — or so it would appear —
in his preparation. There is no mention of the quintessential study The
Mothman Prophecies by John A. Keel. Also Messengers of Deception, by Jacques
Vallee, a research report of the highest relevance, seems to have been missed.
Dr. Mack’s book does have its points to make, however. I would advise my
indulgent friends and readers to set aside some time to visit your local
library or bookselling establishment, to take down “Abduction” from the
shelves, and to skim over the first two chapters. You will find such
observations as these:
Page 9 — “The experience of internalizing what is first perceived as
external light happens frequently during mystical flashes or transcendental
journeys that result in spiritual rebirth.”
Comment: Spiritual rebirth is a favorite theme of the “abductees” or
“experiencers.” Past lives are often explored by the humans together with the
aliens, so Dr. Mack suggests.
Page 20 — “I might be open to the possibility that our consensus framework
of reality is too limited and that a phenomenon such as this cannot be
explained within its ontological parameters.”
Comment: Dr. Mack almost seems to believe that he is writing a study of
ontology, “The science or study of being; that department of metaphysics which
relates to the being or essence of things, or to being in the abstract.”
(Oxford English Dictionary)
To give the author his due, he has done a great deal of work to support his
clients and co-investigators, the “experiencers.” There are thirteen chapters
of the book devoted to fairly comprehensive accounts of individual cases.
One claim of Dr. Mack’s which I would like to challenge is the
repetitiously and vaguely stated view that the aliens, or visitors, or
trans-dimensionals are greatly concerned with the “environment.” While he
presents personal statements to reflect this view, he cites no credible study
which supports such a notion. There is no mention of such obviously important
matters as: (1) soil erosion, (2) oxygen-exchanging organisms, (3)
non-polluting energy generators, (4) wasteful over-consumption, etc.
If the reader is intrigued by this concept of human/alien interaction
(using the terms on the cover of the book), then go ahead and read also David
Jacobs’ SECRET LIFE: Firsthand Accounts of UFO Abductions. Maybe even track
down Leah Haley’s “Lost Was The Key” or Whitley Strieber’s “Communion Letter.”
The reader will find a range of views wider than those expressed by Dr. Mack.
Let me conclude this review with a brief summary of a recent report on a
study by the Environmental Protection Agency, a department of the wonderfully
resourceful and much-respected United States government. I am borrowing from
an article by Richard Sauder in the recent “UFO, a forum on extraordinary
theories and phenomena” Vol. 9, No. 2 1994.
Sauder cites a document: “U.S. Congress, Office of Technology Assessment,
The Containment of Underground Nuclear Explosions, OTA-ISC-414 (Washington, DC:
US Government Printing Office, October, 1989).
“What can be said for certain is that in recent years the United States
government has had an extensive human and animal surveillance and monitoring
program…” This program has one of its principal bases near the Nevada Test
Site, (*see note) at the Environmental Systems Monitoring Laboratory at U. of
Nevada-Las Vegas. The human tests include a “whole-body count.”
By coincidence your reviewer has had several whole-body count tests
performed upon his person at M.I.T., under the auspices of the Nutrition
Department. These tests involve removing all clothing, donning sterile
garments, and sitting quite still inside a concrete box for 15 plus minutes.
Oh yes, you must drink some radio-nuclide fluid (just a few cc’s) some time
before the test.
Well, readers and friends and associates, I have tried to spare you as much
boggling as I could. I hope that these two pages have not been a waste of your
time. As for Dr. Mack’s book, I would definitely recommend that you wait for
the paperback edition, or procure a copy from the library. I spent the $22.00
plus tax, and quite frankly, I doubt that it’s worth more than $5.00.
— C.G.Dover
NOTE: Jonathan Parfrey reports in “Turning Wheel” (The Journal of the
Buddhist Peace Fellowship, Berkeley, CA, Winter 1994): “One hundred
atmospheric tests were conducted at the Nevada Test Site from 1951 to 1963,
emitting over 12,000,000,000 curies of radiation. Chernobyl, by contrast,
released 81,000 curies.

THE CHURCH GETS THE LAST LAUGH

On Saturday, April 30, several New England anti-vivisection organizations
converged on Boston University for a march to Harvard Square. The Church of
Euthanasia was there, and the surf was definitely up. The church delegation
included pastor Kim, sister Catherine, sister Laura, brother Dennis, and of
course Rev. Korda. Though they were heavily outnumbered by the crowd of
roughly two hundred marchers, they did have the advantage of surprise. They
arrived carrying signs that read “Stop Animal Testing”, “Boycott Gillette”, and
“Save The Whales.” The marchers had no way of knowing that these were in fact
specially constructed “trick” signs, each consisting of an “inner” sign,
concealed by an easily removable “outer” sign. The church had correctly
assumed that security would be tight and that camouflage would be necessary.
The crowd was actively monitored by at least twenty yellow-capped members of
CEASE (Citizens to End Animal Suffering and Exploitation), many of them
carrying walkie-talkies and megaphones. The yellow caps were joined by a
contingent of very silly-looking B.U. cops in spandex tights on bicycles.
After a long and completely unintelligible speech, the crowd formed into a line
and the march began.
Just outside Kenmore Square, pastor Kim broke the ice and unveiled a six
foot tall wooden cross. Four naked baby dolls with bloody fingers and mouths
hung from the crosspiece, and in the middle of the cross a small stuffed rabbit
was crucified. The nearest yellow cap immediately attached herself to pastor
Kim like a barnacle. She apparently assumed she was dealing with an isolated
lunatic, and repeatedly praised his “Save The Whales” sign, while urging him to
abandon the cross. Pastor Kim kept her at bay with an extremely lucid and
persistent explanation of church theology. Meanwhile the march arrived in
Kenmore Square, and the trick signs were uncloaked. Rev. Korda now led the
delegation, carrying the “Kill Your Fetus, Not Your Pet” sign, followed by
sister Laura carrying “Eat People Not Animals.” Pastor Kim brought up the rear
with “Save The Planet, Kill Yourself” and the carnivorous babies.
About halfway across the Mass. Ave bridge, a Boston police officer grabbed
Rev. Korda by the elbow and dragged her out of the march for questioning. The
Rev. was unable to produce any identification, as usual. She was also carrying
Mace without an FID card, and the officer was preparing to arrest her when
sister Catherine showed up with the video camera. The air was soon filled with
the sweet smell of frying bacon, and the Rev. resumed marching, now surrounded
by a rapidly growing crowd of admirers. The yellow caps were forced to do
their dirty work themselves. The march paused to demonstrate on the steps of
MIT, the yellow caps surrounded the church delegation, and a bitter
confrontation ensued. The church was finally forced out of the march, despite
angry protests from many of the marchers. Interviews in Harvard Square after
the rally revealed that more than half of the marchers had supported the
church, and that they had lost all respect for their organizers.

THE POLICE ARE YOUR FRIENDS

On April 15, Rev. Korda was very nearly arrested behind the Somerville police
station. She had just stuck a Save The Planet, Kill Yourself sticker on the
rear bumper of a shiny new police cruiser, and was focusing her 35mm camera
when the sergeant walked out the back door. Rev. Korda rushed over to the car
and managed to remove the sticker, but too late. “You! What are you doing?”
yelled the sergeant.
“Nothing,” replied Korda, a firm believer in lying to the police.
“Did you put that sticker on that car?”
“No!”
“Well that’s funny, because I just saw you do it!”
“Okay, I did it, I’m sorry, I’m really sorry, it was just a prank, I’ll never
do it again!”
“Uh huh. You got any ID on you?”
“No.”
“What’s your name?”
“Chris Linden.”
“Where do you live?”
“On Central street.”
The sergeant unzipped his jacket and whipped out his radio. “Ah, we got a girl
out here acting in suspicious manner, says her name is Chris Linden, you show
anyone by that name on Central street?” After a long pause, the radio answered
“Ah, we don’t show anyone one by that name, over.”
By this point two other officers had joined the sergeant, and they proceeded to
search Rev. Korda, while another officer yelled out the window, “take her
camera, take her camera!” Unfortunately Rev. Korda just happened to be
carrying a notebook with her name and address on it. The sergeant stared at it
for a while, in apparent disbelief.
“Your name wouldn’t happen to be Chris Korda, would it?”
“Yes, I’m really sorry, I didn’t mean it, you’re making me nervous, please just
let me go!”
The sergeant lifted his radio again. “Would you believe it? She lied to the
police! Her real name is Chris Korda, see if she has a record.”
One of the other officers, a burly, handsome Irishman with a long handlebar
mustache and an enormous cigar, became noticeably excited. “Stick out your
wrists!” The officer unbuttoned his handcuffs and slid them onto Rev. Korda’s
outstretched wrists. “Oh, these will fit real nice. You better pray to the
warrant god! If you got a warrant you’re spending the weekend in jail! On
your knees! Get down on your knees! Pray to the warrant god!”
Rev. Korda was happy to oblige, as she quite enjoys being humiliated by beefy
men with big sticks. She got down on her knees in the parking lot, prostrated
herself, prayed to the warrant god, begged for forgiveness, and was just about
to offer them blowjobs when the radio answered. “Ah, she’s just got a couple
of traffic violations, over.”
The sergeant looked visibly disappointed. “Okay, disappear, run!” Rev. Korda
started walking away, dazed by her incredible good luck. “You’re not running!”
She started running. “Run faster! Run like a rabbit!”

TURNPIKE DADA

After many months of careful preparation, as the first light appeared in
the clear skies of Monday, September 13, 1993, Rev. Korda and agent Dan
climbed down from a billboard overlooking the Massachusetts Turnpike and made
their getaway. A giant black banner with bold white letters that read SAVE THE
PLANET KILL YOURSELF hung from the top of the billboard, rippling slightly in
the early morning breeze. For the next 36 hours hundreds of thousands of
motorists were exposed to pure Dada as they approached the Allston/Cambridge
exit. Many of them received long exposures due to the heavy rush hour traffic.
What thoughts, if any, went through the minds of these hapless motorists? The
Rev. had originally planned to do “exit” polls at the Allston toll booths, but
this proved too dangerous, so we can only imagine.
Naturally, the Rev. returned to scene of the crime later that morning to
take pictures, accompanied by agent Andy and his hand-held video camera. They
drove past the billboard several times. Then agent Andy persuaded the Rev. to
pull over onto the shoulder in front of the billboard for a better shot. They
raised the hood, got out of the car, and were shooting away when the state
police arrived seconds later. Fortunately the Rev. had thought ahead for once
and put electrical tape over her SAVE THE PLANET KILL YOURSELF bumper sticker.
They told the pigs everything was okay, ran back to the car, and drove away,
fully expecting pursuit, but nothing happened. The Lord was definitely backing
the Church of Euthanasia that morning.

THE STUPID CLUB
Sister Catherine

A few days after Kurt Cobain’s suicide, his mother, Wendy O’Connor, was quoted
as saying “now he’s gone and joined that stupid club,” apparently referring to
other stars who died in their prime. Rockers Janis Joplin, Jim Morrison and
Jimi Hendrix, like Cobain, died at the age of twenty-seven, however their
deaths are not considered suicides. Other stars whose deaths are considered
accidental include James Dean, Judy Garland, Abbie Hoffman, Marilyn Monroe, and
Elvis Presley. Are we to believe that these creative, intelligent individuals
were so “stupid” as to ignore that their actions might result in death? Let’s
give credit where credit is due. Let’s respect life-style choices. Their
deaths were not accidental.

The news media, biographers and other powerful individuals have led us to
believe that drug overdoses, car accidents, and other misadventures that result
in death are accidental, just because there is no suicide note. There is much
to be learned from Cobain’s obvious suicide and his note. “I haven’t felt the
excitement of listening to as well as creating music along with really writing
something for too many years now… I’ve tried everything within my power to
appreciate it, and I do. But it’s not enough. I appreciate the fact that I
and we have affected and entertained a lot of people… I’m too sensitive…
I love and feel for people too much… I’m too much of an erratic, moody
person, and I don’t have the passion anymore, so remember, it’s better to burn
out than to fade away.”

As Cobain’s music spoke for a generation, his note speaks for the
not-so-accidental deaths of many, stars in particular. To attain one’s dreams,
especially at an early age, would most definitely cause most intelligent people
to question the quality of life on this planet. One need not be a star to
obtain membership in O’Connor’s stupid club. It seems that the main
requirement is an awareness of the diminished quality of life. There presently
exists a group that has attained this requirement: the so-called X generation.
We are the first generation this century to know without a doubt that we will
never achieve what our predecessors have, and who is to say that we want to?
The American dream that seemed so attractive to other generations has become a
nightmare.

Kurt Cobain’s only sin was bringing a child into this world. His gift to our
world is his music, and our gift to him is to respect his decision to take his
life. We hope that Frances Bean will be as sensitive and responsible as her
father.

THE ORDER OF GNOMONS
Martinus Vanderberg, Chicago/Ann Arbor

A recent work purporting to be “A Novel by Charles Portis” has revealed
some of the lore of the “Masters of Atlantis.” (Alfred A. Knopf. New York.
1985) In this brief column I may illuminate a small portion of the significant
meaning. In dealing with the Order of Gnomons one must understand the less
than obvious patterns of the “Gnomon Triangles.” (Illustration) Part of the
lost text of “101 Gnomon Facts” may be recovered from Portis’ novel. For
example:

“We of the Order eschew the Vulgar inclination to make everything clear and
simple.”

Or: “Avoid the four P’s — the press, politicians, the Pope, and the police.”

As an historical note, let it suffice to say that the Order of Gnomons
[O.G.] were the officials of Atlantis in charge of schedules, geometry, and
coastal patrols. These would naturally evolve in an island nation or riverine
cultures. History as commonly known has preserved vestiges of such cultures in
Egypt, Mesopotamia & c.
Well, friends, or perfect strangers, I leave you with these few tentative
postulates. In the next column we will peruse the secret texts of Noah. In
the meantime, you may wish to study Prof. Crossan’s work “The Historical
Jesus,” Baigent and Leigh’s “The Dead Sea Scrolls Deception,” and/or a few
passages of “THE NEW OXFORD ANNOTATED BIBLE.”
Chapters 6 through 11 of Genesis purport to represent the history of the
flood, and the legends of the forebears of Abraham. There will be more to say
on this topic in the next issue. With grateful acknowledgement to Mr. Lamar
Jimmerson, Master of the Order, and Mr. Morehead Moaler, Sustainer. Also,
best regards to Rev. Korda.

AN INTERVIEW WITH REV. KORDA
Reprinted from Up Magazine

Up: The platform of the Church of Euthanasia includes suicide, abortion,
cannibalism and sodomy. Why did you choose those four things?
Korda: Well, first of all we have to establish what they all have in common,
and that is of course that they all reduce the human population, which is the
primary goal of the church.
Up: And you approve of these four methods?
Korda: Well, these are the four that really stand out as being the most useful
for the moment.
Up: But you approve of all methods?
Korda: We prefer methods that are voluntary. The population is going to get
reduced one way or the other. We have a choice between allowing things to
continue the way they are, in which case natural forces will reduce the
population for us, with the maximum amount of violence and unpleasantness, or
we can take steps to try and reduce our population voluntarily, through the
four pillars of the church.
Up: You’re opposed to involuntary population reduction?
Korda: We don’t believe in mass murder. We would prefer to see things done in
an orderly and sensible manner, to the extent that that’s still possible. The
longer we delay, the more likely it becomes that there won’t be any sensible
solution. Already we see chaos in our society, spreading out from the cities,
and from the United States to the rest of the world. There’s not much time
left. If there’s going to be an orderly solution it needs to be started
immediately.
Up: And you’re not just talking about zero population growth, you’re talking
about population reduction.
Korda: Absolutely. It’s been well known for some time now that zero
population growth just isn’t enough, and we haven’t even achieved that. It’s a
common belief that the United States has already achieved zero population
growth, when in fact, nothing could be further from the truth. Our population
continues to grow, and not just from immigration. In the rest of the world,
the population is growing at an incredible rate. As things become more and
more uncertain, due in large part to the tremendous strain placed on the
ecosystem by the industrial nations, people have less and less confidence that
their children will survive, so they have more of them. The numbers speak for
themselves. At the current rate, the human population will reach eight billion
by 2020, which is well within our lifetimes. It’s just common sense that the
Earth’s ecosystem is not going to sustain that population, and that the side
effects are going to be famine, disease, war, and chaos on a scale that we
can’t even imagine yet.
Up: The apocalypse.
Korda: Right.
Up: But wouldn’t the apocalypse accomplish your goal?
Korda: Actually, no. The apocalypse would involve the destruction of the
ecosystem, and that’s what we’re trying to prevent. There are many groups out
there who support war, particularly nuclear war, as a way of drastically
reducing or eliminating the human species. There is no doubt that the process
would be effective, but it would also make vast areas of the Earth unsuitable
for any form of life. What we’re trying to do is put the human species back in
balance with the other species on the planet. We’re trying to prevent the
apocalypse.
Up: Abortion and suicide are obvious. These are responsible decisions that
people can make. Can you be more specific about how sodomy will directly
affect the population?
Korda: Well, no one ever got pregnant from sodomy.
Up: (laughs)
Korda: Seriously, why do you think it’s still illegal in most states? We are
living in a society that is almost entirely dominated by heterosexual males.
Our government is a patriarchy. Our god is a father figure. There’s been no
check, no restraint, on male power for hundreds of years, and the results are
horrifying.
Up: Why do males behave this way?
Korda: It all comes down to biology. The male has approximately six hundred
million sperm in his body at any given time, and these little guys are jumping
up and down in there yelling “let me out, let me out!” By contrast, the female
has one egg. There’s a well known saying that when the dick gets hard, the
brain gets soft, and it’s actually very close to the truth. Men will say
anything to get laid. Their sperm makes them crazy.
Up: The dreaded sperm buildup!
Korda: It’s not just that. Males also lose an enormous amount of energy when
they ejaculate, unlike females, who lose their energy through menstruation.
Women can have orgasms all day long without any problem. This is the principle
reason females live longer than males. All of this was well understood in
traditional Asian cultures, where boys were taught sexual yoga to help them
retain their semen. In our society, men are encouraged to ejaculate as often
as possible, so of course they become weak, and gradually develop deep
resentment towards women. This makes them extremely dangerous, and causes
sadism and violence. Industrial society is really the male’s attempt to get
revenge for his natural sexual inadequacy by raping the Earth.
Up: So you’re opposed to ejaculation?
Korda: Yes, but we’re also pragmatic. What we’re saying is, since we have all
these angry men trying to get rid of their sperm, why don’t they get rid of it
in each other?
Up: But what if they don’t want to be queer?
Korda: Women can oblige just as easily. Grease it up. If more guys were
fucking asses instead of pussies, the population would drop. That’s the bottom
line.
Up: (more laughs) Should they wear condoms?
Korda: Of course! We’re opposed to all needless suffering, including AIDS.
Up: Okay, cannibalism. Are there any restrictions?
Korda: Look, we have fifty thousand automobile fatalities per year, and we’re
lucky if we recycle a few organs. Perfectly good meat is being buried in the
ground, or incinerated. That meat should go to straight to McDonald’s. The
United States wastes vast amounts of energy so that its citizens can eat as
much meat as they want. It’s just plain dumb. It takes more than seven pounds
of grain to create one pound of meat. Read Diet for a Small Planet if you want
the exact figures. There’s no sensible reason why the rest of the world should
starve so that we can eat meat. It’s just another form of cultural decadence.
But the church is realistic. We’re not expecting Americans to stop eating
meat, any more than we’re expecting them to stop ejaculating. If they have to
eat meat, let’s make sure it’s human meat.
Up: Have you researched the nutritional value of human flesh?
Korda: There’s nothing wrong with it. It’s good for you, and tasty too. My
understanding is it tastes rather like pork.
Up: Is it true that you’ll be publishing a church cookbook?
Korda: There have been rumors to that effect. We’re working on it. The main
problem is testing the recipes.

HIPPOCRATIC OAFS
Pastor Scott

Life is far too serious a business to be taken seriously, according to many
renowned experts on the subject. Nowhere, it seems, is life taken more
seriously than in the courtroom. Indeed, where is any legal case without the
corpus delicti? Let’s examine the body of evidence concerning suicide.
Assisted suicide has been a common practice among caring doctors since
before the time of Hippocrates. Every new doctor takes the Hippocratic oath,
to heal and save lives. Many do nose bobs and tummy tucks, but for those who
save lives, death has always been part of the equation.
The practice of euthanasia is so widespread, and has such a long history
that the very word “euthanasia” says it best. Derived directly from the Greek,
it means “good death.” Surely, Hippocrates and the Greeks believed in death
with honor and the “good death,” concepts they passed on to the heirs of
Western civilization. But times change.
It’s said that Constantine adopted Christianity as the Roman state religion
after the Christian God delivered him victory on the battle field, in two very
decisive battles fought to save the Empire. Zeus and the rest of the pantheon
hadn’t been delivering victory, so Constantine made the switch. “Dear
Christian God, if you only grant me victory in this final and decisive battle
to defeat and kill and butcher and rape and maim my rotten and bad-smelling
enemies who are after my power, wealth and reputation. . . well, if you just
grant me this, I’ll make you the state religion.”
In his infinite wisdom, God granted Constantine victory. Personally I
can’t see it, but I’m sure God had his reasons for doing it at the time. State
religions are nasty little arrangements. If you’ve never had the opportunity
to experience one, they work this way: dispute the law, that’s treason;
dispute the religion, that’s heresy. The formula works both ways in a vice
versa manner; either way, you get put to death.
It would seem that suicide would make a neat exit from the church-state
double bind, and it would, except for one person: Judas, that weasel bastard,
the first traitor of the Christian faith. It wouldn’t have been any big deal,
especially for Christ, who seemed to be particularly forgiving of being
betrayed to the Roman legion. It’s just that Judas had to go and kill himself
with a rope. For Judas, it was a direct trip to hell. Do not pass go. Do not
collect $200. So, under a state-run religion, if the state doesn’t catch you
at being bad, when you do go, you’re headed South anyway, at least according to
the magistrates, rule makers, and scribes. You could say that Judas forever
tarnished the public’s perception of suicide.
Now, only six dirty years from the next millennium, the state is trying to
re-legislate the laws concerning suicide. True, we do not have a state-run
religion. It’s just that the major religious sects have major lobbying
efforts. They’ve got the lawyers with the huge expense accounts. Indeed,
there’s an awful lot of money involved on both sides, and there’s the rub.
With roughly 15% of the GNP devoted to the health care of an aging
population, with malpractice suits sending insurance rates through the roof,
and with the specter of super-regulated national health care scaring the
children when you turn off the lights. . . With all this, the routine
practice of euthanasia (never formally sanctioned by the church or the state)
must now be regulated to a gnat’s ass, just like everything else in the health
care industry. Hospitals, insurance companies, administrators, and lawyers are
all demanding written policy on all procedures.
The laws regulating assisted suicide are now being written; policy and
internal memos will soon follow. Up until now, what could be called “murder on
the installment plan” has replaced outright assisted suicide: ghoulishly
common bizarre and macabre research on dying patients who are willing to bet
their remaining lives on long shot procedures and new drugs being tested by the
FDA. The pharmaceutical companies make an enormous amount of money
experimenting on terminally ill patients, but the bodies linger on. Meanwhile,
the health care institutions are asking, “how can we afford to support all this
(nearly) dead weight?” Throw the well-healed [sic] religious lobbyists into
the mix and you get a good idea what’s at stake in the Kevorkian legal battles.
We read about the heroism of the slowly dying patient, or the brilliant
attempts by doctors, or a drug that could revolutionize the way we think about
depression. In fact, all of these headlines belie the fact that millions of
Americans (in the third world they at least know how to die) will have their
final days stretched out like putty, perhaps testing the next generation of
chromosome therapy; this, while the federal health care system runs our
hospitals with the high standards they now enforce through the Veteran’s
Administration. People will demand death.
In fact, people are demanding death now, and not getting it. Doctors no
longer follow the spirit of the Hippocratic oath; they must follow policy.
This is not as it should be. Humans cannot be left jello-eyed in the busy
corridors of our hospitals, or the back hallways of our mental institutions, as
test subjects for drugs, medical procedures, and ambitious political agendas.
As a pastor, I implore those who would kill slowly and without mercy to instead
offer the “good death.”

Bureaucratic policy making is a grubby affair. It’s also organic. So,
like a manure compost heap, it just keeps on growing, just as long as you keep
your horses in the stable; that is, if you’re a hospital administrator/stable
hand. And with growing inter-office memo manure grows a certain smell. I once
spoke with one of the head financial administrators at U.Mass Medical. He
said, “Every time the feds rewrite medical billing and subsidy regulations,
they hire us guys from the medical community as consultants, and we haven’t
taken a pay cut yet.”
Aside from being effective, assisted suicide must be made easy to obtain
without a lot of policy hang-ups. And for God’s sake let’s keep the insurance
companies out of it. I can imagine a worst-case scenario:

“Doctor, I’m feeling so terribly depressed.”
“Yes, I understand, but the state board medical regulations don’t recognize
your type of depression as grounds for assisted suicide.”
“Isn’t there any hope, doctor?”
“Well, if there wasn’t the matter of claiming your life insurance you
could. . . but then there’s the matter of the pain, or a botched job.”
“Isn’t there someone else who could help?”
“Okay, here, I’m going to take you off the Prozac, and send you down to Dr.
Frankenstein. He’s a very somber fellow. I can hardly stand to be around him.
See him, get a second opinion, and if you’re lucky enough to slip into a
chronic non-response depression, maybe he’ll send over to see Dr. Vader in the
new Nixon wing. He heads up our suicide ward.”
“Thank you, doctor, but I sure wish there was a faster way that was still
covered under the ’97 Clinton health reform act.”
“So do I, Mrs. Plath, so do I.”

Mrs. Plath would get shuffled from doctor to doctor, treated with a candy
store assortment of research drugs to test the ailments of other people, never
arriving at the ultimate cure. When her bodily systems had become a puzzle of
nightmarish side-effects she would be less than mercifully “put down.” In a
simpler world, I could imagine this:

“Doctor, I feel worse than yesterday.”
“Well, it looks like the only procedure covered under your federal health plan
is assisted suicide. Any questions?”
“Not really.”
“Good. Take two of these tonight and have your wife call my secretary in the
morning. Sign here.”

Old Thoughts

Be born, then prepare for death.
The comfort of maturity is
Hollow dullness before nothing.

Become, go to work, slow death
Of schedules, meetings, habits,
A suicide of boredom.

We weakly surrender life
When we stop being reborn.
We are dying when we are not young.

-Pastor Kim

Halo Boy’s War Farm

Halo boy sweats fire
On the land his robot farms

He clears a space to self destruct
He builds his house
By a rainbow

His old war money
Gets him nowhere
His love is blind
His hope is sick

Halo boy forgets
To keep his grudges
He breast feeds
The best of flaws
And settles feuds
By tearing flags

He picks a bluff
And takes his time
Cradling nonsense
On the farm

When godly hard things
Turn to love
And numbered seeds
Are known by heart
Halo boy goes to bed
Discharging poisons
In his sleep

He milked the parts
Milked from fear
Daddy’s bible words
Were tongue in cheek
A white sorcerer’s truth
No computer could back

Halo boy’s cheap war games
Shattered the nation’s
Factory spirit

-Raven Drake

THIS OLD CERVIX
Sister Catherine

God deliver us from lawyers. Despite the election of a president who
actually admits to being pro-choice, the legal battles continue, and in many
states, a woman’s right to obtain an abortion has become more theoretical than
practical. The Webster decision allowed Roe versus Wade to stand, but gave
most of the tactical aspects of the matter back to the states. Many of the
states, anticipating the outcome, immediately enacted legislation requiring
waiting periods, parental notification, and exposure to absurd propaganda. The
irony of all this is that the people most likely to be affected are teenagers,
who are also the most likely to need abortions.
Meanwhile, the United States maintains the highest teenage pregnancy rate
of any industrial nation, despite our world-famous “family values.” Even the
restoration of Roe versus Wade to its former glory would be only a first step
towards reforming abortion laws, practices, and attitudes. It has become
politically correct to be “pro-choice”, but the very euphemism itself reveals
deep misgivings within the people who call themselves pro-choice. The Church
of Euthanasia is not pro-choice. The Church of Euthanasia is pro-abortion.
Adults as well as teenagers have proven themselves irresponsible when it
comes to birth control. Women and men (in particular) tend to lose the
capability for rational thought when involved in sexual acts, too often
producing unwanted children. If people are unwilling or incapable of sexually
responsible behavior before or during the act, then it becomes the
responsibility of society to provide treatment after the act. The time has
come for abortion to be encouraged as birth control.
With the advent of the abortion pill, women can finally take matters into
their own hands. Dilation and suction are crude and obsolete. RU-486 is the
new frontier for abortion, and I wish it had been available when I had mine.
Abortion should be easy, legal and free.
Where are all those fetuses going, anyway? Judging by the number of
pro-life lunatics that manage to get hold of them, too many are winding up in
dumpsters. How typically American! Let’s recycle those fetuses, by combining
two of the pillars of the church. Fetus pate, anyone?

THE LECTERN

Why do people kill themselves? Let’s ask ourselves that. Why do people
kill themselves? They kill themselves because they’re unhappy! Because
they’re unhappy with their life, with the way they feel, with the emotions they
have. Now, what we’re saying here is that the main reason so many people are
so unhappy is because our culture, our society is out of balance. You can see
it in our art, in our magazines, in our music, in everything we create, there
is tremendous suffering, and this suffering is the result of our being out of
balance with the earth. The human species is no longer in balance with the
forces that created it.
The only solution to this problem is to reduce the human population. There
is no other solution, and nature will take action to ensure that it happens
eventually anyway. So all that we’re really saying, all the Church of
Euthanasia is really saying, is let’s save some time! Let’s take the heartache
out of this. Why make it hard when it can be easy? Why make it painful when
it doesn’t have to be? Who wants unnecessary suffering? Let’s reduce the
population now, the easy way. With rope, with potassium cyanide, with seconal
and a plastic bag, with whatever the Hemlock Society says is the best way to do
it, that’s the way we want everybody to do it, the way that causes the least
trouble.
And let’s face it, we are at the center, the absolute epicenter of the
consumer culture. We consume ten times more resources than any other nation on
the planet. If it’s going to start anywhere it has to start here! And the
richer you are, the more money you have, the more assets you have, the more it
matters that you kill yourself, right? I mean, it doesn’t help us much if
homeless people are killing themselves. We want to see rich people, people who
matter, people who are intelligent and liberal, people who consume, these are
the people we’re after. We want these people to realize that…it’s going to
happen either way. Either way. It’s like the end of the Roman empire, you see
the end coming. Are you going to wait for the Germans to show up at the gates?
Are you going to wait for them to rape you and stab you through the throat with
a big sharp knife? Why not just go out the easy way? A little bit of hemlock,
let go of your personal possessions, accept it, it’s the decline of the West.
The decline of the Empire. Let go. Surrender. Come to the Church of
Euthanasia, and let yourself go, surrender to the inevitable. Americans must
die! Americans must die to save the planet!

(From a sermon delivered by Rev. Korda on April 21, 1994)

AT THE THEATER

Corina: What are you up to? We’re up on the rock on top of some abandoned
house with narco and BFMV suspects in it. We’re waiting for them to hit some
places.
Powell: Sounds almost as exciting as our last call. It was right out of
“Gorillas in the Mist”.
LAPD: To all units, CHP advises their officers are in pursuit of a vehicle
failing to yield, white Hyundai, license 2KFM102, now approaching Glennoaks.
(high speed chase, King pulls over)
P.A.: Driver! Put your hands out the window! Take your left hand, unlock the
door, and step out!
Singer: What’s your name?
King: Glenn.
Singer: Get down on the ground, Glenn. (pause) Get down on the ground!
King: Why you want me to get on the ground?
Singer: Get your hands away from your butt! Hit the ground!
Koon: (to Singer) Get back, we’ll handle. (to King) Get down on the ground!
If you don’t start following orders, I’m going to electrocute you! Powell!
You’re the designated shooter! (scuffle, King Tased, screams) Anyone else have
a Taser?
others: Lie down! Put your hands up! Put your hands behind your back,
nigger!
Koon: Powell and Wind, batons! Power strokes! (King beaten)
Koon: (later) You just had a big time use of force. Tased and beat suspect of
CHP pursuit, big time.
LAPD: Oh well, I’m sure the lizard didn’t deserve it, ha ha. I’ll let them
know OK.
other: Sounds like monkey slapping time.
Powell: Ooops.
car 2: Ooops what?
Powell: I haven’t beat anyone this bad in a long time.
car 2: Oh not again. Why for you do that? Thought you agreed to chill out
for a while. What’d he do?
Powell: I think he was dusted. Many broken bones later, after the pursuit.
King: (waking up at hospital) What happened?
Powell: We played a little baseball tonight, didn’t we?
King: What do you mean?
Powell: We played a little hardball, and you lost.

-Transcripts of radio communications the night of the Rodney King beating,
excerpted from GQ.

SUBMIT! SUBMIT! SUBMIT!
fiction, non-fiction, poetry, and artwork. Note that submissions cannot be
returned unless accompanied by a suitable return envelope and postage.

THANKS to Kim, Raven, Laura, Scott, Donald and especially CATHERINE for making
the first issue of Snuff It possible. Next issue: Columbus and Socrates.
Until then, one is well advised to drink BOTTLED WATER!

NOTE that while the on-line and printed versions of Snuff It are identical in
terms of text, the printed version contains many photographs and graphic images
that cannot be included here. If you wish to order the printed version, please
consult the following catalog. Many thanks to Jerod Pore at Factsheet Five.

postal address: Church of Euthanasia, P.O.Box 261, Somerville, MA 02143

e-mail address: coe@netcom.com

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