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3The Story Of Spam – Volume Two3
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This is the story of Spam as remembered from a time not
so long ago…And this is how it all began…
One day in a multi-player game called Avatar,
Laecretius, a fine and powerful sorcerer was running one of
the lower levels of the game and roasting and toasting
monsteres like all fine young sorcerers do. Then he ran into
Ninja — which instantly trashed Laecretius. However, before
dying, Laecretius managed to utter “OH SPAM!” before hitting
the floor. All those in the game heard this cry; although
they were completely caught off guard, they managed to adapt
and began to spread the legend of Spam. It went through many
changes of its form within that day from “Wand Of Spam” all
the way to “You were teleported in solid SPAM” were heard.
Pretty soon, chaos broke out in Avatar as characters began to
yell out their favorite Avatar items — and briefly mentioned
that they were made of Spam such as “Helmet Of Spam” and
“Spam Bracers”. Soon after three hours of this, the people
who played the game seriously began to become very annoyed
and uttered, “No MORE SPAM!” before turning off the ability
to recieve the messages from other players. Although this
stopped the Spam slinging for the day…it did not stop it.
In fact, the slinging of the Spam just had begun. It
continued in Avatar upon unsuspecting characters and players
and in several notesfile. Soon, even the great Felixmeister
began to hear of the Legend Of Spam, and as soon as that
happened, it was confirmed that Nova began to reproduce the
luncheon meat.
Then Felixmeister the Great zapped the great Avatar game
from existance and put in a so called “new and improved”
version of the game — and when he deleted the game, he took
the characters that we knew and loved with it. However, this
did not cause the death of the Legend Of Spam. It continued
to spread via the famous words of Raphael Dareau, Crunch,
Merlin, AIESHA, HAMMERCROM, Irongrond, Beth. All the others
that slung the spam are just insignifigant. Soon the game of
Avatar Mark II began to immediately fill with Spam. It
filled up so much it overflowed into other games and other
NovaNET groups such as NHS and RVELKS. Soon all of
Cherryfield, Maine, and Springerville, Arizona, heard of Spam
via a legendary program called TalkLine, written by none
other than Raphael Dareau and Merlin. TalkLine, in
combination with it’s notesfile =purgatory, made Spam history
as it began to spread faster than anyone expected. Merlin
created the notesfile =spam and linked it with =purgatory.
Pretty soon Spam overflowed TalkLine, =purgatory, and =spam
and went straight for the heart of =pad.
=Pad is considered to be the most important and most
read notesfile in existance on NovaNET. And Spam began to
spread through there faster than a lawyer goes to a scene of
an accident. Pretty soon, it became a everyday occurance for
Merlin to sling Spam at the great Felixmeister — who
regretted every minute of it. Pretty soon everyone in =pad
got annoyed at Merlin’s Spam slinging and Felix’s general
attempts at just being obtrusive back at Merin — but the
whole situation became even worse when Merlin and Crunch
began to post the entire novel “The HitchHiker’s Guide To The
Galaxy”. And as =pad was being filled, it became much worse
on Avatar. Avatar was soaked with Spam, and half the
population of the game regretted hearing the word of Spam —
and this broke the entire game into factions — The Slingers
Of The Spam, The Neutral Luncheon Meat, and the Anti-Spam.
The leaders of the Anti-Spam were jude/mainei and The Lipless
One, who declared from his non-existant lips, “No Warlock
Shall Eat Spam.” This brought on a series of events such as
frequent trips to CAPS, the place at the UM where NovaNETers
hung around. Merlin just went there to bother the great
Lipless one as well as Crunch and Raphael Dareau on occasion.
Soon, in a fit of agony, the Lipless One yelled out at 3 in
the morning, “Who in the HELL started this SPAM STUFF?”
Raphael Dareau and Merlin remained silent while Crunch had
disappeared within the Avatar dungeon in a desperate attempt
to escape. Raphael Dareau just grinned brillantly and
contined to spread his creation through Epigoni, the new
leader of the Spam Slingers. Pretty soon people began to
bribe the Slingers Of The Spam with High Powered Signons,
which did not work, and it eventually lead to death threats
from the people of CERL.
However, this was all temporary — About 3 months later
the Debmeister came out of her own universe and sucked all
the NovaNET ports from existance — causing a chain reaction
that caused the eventual collapse of the universe in Bangor,
Maine. Even though CAPS still exists it became a barren
wasteland. However, frequent collisions with the NovaNET
system do occur there through the semi-godly powers of
Merlin.
However, since the universe in Bangor was a barren
wasteland, The Slingers Of The Spam began to spread Spam in a
entirely new fashion — Through the uses of local BBS systems
and NETs which send messages to other people in the United
States. Soon Raphael Dareau, Merlin and Crunch “The Gold Is
In Your Eat But It Doesn’t Melt In Your Hands” began to
spread it through the Local BBS’s starting with Pinnacle Club
II and James Bond Hideaway. And after a period of time from
which the local universe itself was bombarded with the
concept of Spam, people began to use aliases such as
“SpamMan” and more interesting phrases were created such as
“It is Raph, the SpamMan with all the answers,” “Eat Your
Spam, Little Boy” which eventually transformed into “Eat Your
TriTel, Little Boy”, but that will become a entirely
different story (read The Story Of TriTel by Raphael Dareau).
Pretty soon Balzac came into the picture and with him
came a whole new collection of BBS’s to spread the legend of
Spam. The great one, called Electra Byte BBS, became Spam
Central as it was like Avatar in many ways — multiuser!
People there got tired of Spam and shut the messages from The
Slingers Of The Spam off, all except the few who would
actually listen.
And it was now that the Nationally Famous Spam Festival
in Minnesota took place. However, none of the Slingers Of
The Spams had enough funding to attend, but they were there
in their soul, wishing they could have been in the Spam
Sculpting Contest.
And then Spam split in two and began to spread in
different directions.
One branch went to Orono High School and another went to
John Bapst Memorial High School. Raphael Dareau, a well
known person there, began to spread it amoung his fellow
comrades. Half of them hated the entire concept and became
the Anti-Spam. A few joined The Neutral Luncheon Meat and
changed their name to just “Vienna Sausages” while Raphael
Dareau and Mike “The Gavmeister” became the eventual leaders
of the Spam inside the school community. Leo, Don and the
Sexman headed the leadership of the Anti-Spam while the
Vienna Sausage just became like a socialist society within
the John Bapst System.
This finally led to the Spam Incident, in which case
Raphael Dareau brought in a can of Spam at a local
tournament. The Anti-Spam basically called foul, broke open
the can of Spam, and engulfed the library with its odor. The
Slingers Of The Spam immediately called sacrilidge and began
to worship the Spam before a kind person decided to clean it
up before it rotted.
Back to other news, Crunch and Merlin spread it around
Orono High School and not much is known about what is
happening there — although the rumor of a teacher running
hysterically out of a classroom after Crunch bombareded her
with Spam in class…..However, the situation there is
becoming worse as factions within the school is beginning to
show. The organization of the Anti-Spam appears to be
revolving around someone called The Thomasrino.
However, our story does not end here. Raphael Dareau
and “Gav” still control the Slingers Of The Spam, Crunch and
Merlin continue spreading it through their school and other
computer networks. The last recorded event in Spam history
was that Merlin cooked a can of Spam at 12am one fine day and
woke his Mom up with the odor. She was not a happy camper.
Crunch finally began running a BBS that slings Spam freshly
every night. However, Raphael Dareau, Merlin, and Crunch (as
well as Balzac) continue to spread the legend. They continue
to find other computer networks — and you are sure if they
enter a computer network — Spam will follow them in and
contaminate the network.
THE END
