ZDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD?
3 Compliments Of 12-20-1991 3
3 3
3 =PURGATORY BBS 3
3 (207)-866-2399 3
3 3
3 SysOps: Thanatos and Raphael Dareau 3
@DDDDDDDDDDDDDBDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDBDDDDDDDDDDDDY
3 3
3The Story Of Spam – Volume 3 1/23
3Much Ado About Nothing In Orono!3
@DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDY
BRIEF INTRODUCTION
The last “Story Of Spam” was the longest that ever
existed and many people complained about its 9 page length,
commenting that the text seemed to be constant blabber … as
if it was a term paper that needed to be an EXACT length and
a person wanted to find a way to extend some words. That is
why this text is coming into existence — to keep things
concise, clear, and less wordy. Plus, there was some
inconsistencies that were noticed in the story, which will be
corrected in the following text.
ANOTHER BRIEF INTRODUCTION
This is the Story Of Spam. The title is not fitting
however in this text as it had been in others. In order to
keep the reader disinterested in the text, some other things
have been added, hence the name “Much Ado About Nothing In
Orono.” However, this text will be kept from becoming a
constant blabber and if you do not like this new text, then
please feel obligated to stick your head in a bucket of
piranha fish. Also, some of the names of the people in this
text have NOT been changed, and they will probably will never
be able to get another decent job. Also, this will be the
last story of Spam for the rest of the year.
IIIII n the beginning, there was NovaNET. However, due to a
I tragic blimp accident, much of the history of NovaNET
I was lost. However, much is known about this computer
I system after something called The Matt Thomas Era,
IIIII which is an era that NovaNET signons were flung around
like pennies in a auditorium that contains McKernan.
However, at the start of recorded history, things began to
change quickly. The entire universe was in shock as the
Debmeister and The Guardian Of The Lips swooped down on
NovaNETland and began to viciously attack people like crazed
piranhas. And those who did survive the attack that caused
the eventual collapse of the Matt Thomas era was subjected to
NovaNET poverty and could do little or nothing. The Tower Of
Babbling was destroyed, which destroyed Term-Talk instantly.
Talkomatic was damaged as well, but it was not as hit as
hard. According to legend, which was written in two large
stone tablets that were carried down from Mt. Urbana,
troutman/dialup/nova was the only one that was not effected,
as his aurora was the best deflector for anything that the
Lips and the Debmeister could dish out. The stone tablets
turned out to be the Ten Commandments Of NovaNET, which were
given to troutman during his visit to Mt. Urbana by the Great
One after he solved his quest for a Shiva. This transaction
truly marked the end of the Matt Thomas era.
SPAM
W W orking late one night in 1937 in his secret
W W laboratory, Jay Hormel had a deadline lurking. He
W W W worked at the Hormel Meat Company and he had several
WW W WW thousand extra pounds of pork shoulder that he did
WWWWW not know what to do with — and he had to find
something to do with all the extra meat before it
rotted. He then began to mix different products into the
meat and then a big black puff of smoke came up from the
mixture and Jay averted his eyes from the sight. When he
finally looked at the final product, he saw a huge cubical
piece of meat. Carefully, he tasted the product, which
tasted a bit odd, but yet had possibilities. He then began
to market it as Hormel Luncheon Meat, which was as lame as
the word “hip.” Because of this lame name, a emergency
meeting was held and the President Of Hormel offered $100 for
a person to come up with a catchy name. After several
minutes of pondering, Kenneth Daigneau stood up, yelled
“SPAM”, and ran down the hallway. Surprised, yet quick to
adapt, the luncheon meat was dubbed the ever-holy name and
the meat began to reproduce into its current definition — A
meat substance that is consumed at the rate of 3.8 cans per
second and is sold in more than 50 countries. Margaret
Thatcher ate it for Christmas dinner in 1943 and Nikita
Khrushchev called it the only thing to keep the Soviet Army
alive.
Then 50 years later, Spam’s birthday was celebrated in
Minnesota. The luncheon meat was featured in many different
ways — a luncheon that featured a “all you can eat” Spam
Breakfast for $1.99. Also, there was Spam Pizza and Spam
submarine sandwitches. There was a Spam eating contest where
contestants were timed as they ate a 7-ounce can of Spam.
Only fingers were allowed, no utensils, and the only thing
that they could drink was a 7 ounce glass of water. There
was also a Spam sculpting contest, in which artist could show
their favorite medium to work in. Also, the jamboree
featured the Spam recipe contest, with live bands, and
bicycle and foot races. Also, A Spam King And Queen was
chosen.
Also, much literature and music was written about the
meat substance.
3001: A SEARCH FOR SPAM
As I made my way down the tunnel toward my favorite
hangout, I got a pain in my stomach. I had only felt this
way once before, but that was many years ago. The doctor
told me that it was gas, but I knew this was much more than
gas; it was a pain sent to me as a message from the gods. I
felt better after a while, so I proceeded to my hangout.
When I got there, it was empty except for the bartender.
I approached him and ordered one Pepsi and a disk of Spam.
He looked at me with deep concern and told me the whole
complex was out of Spam. “How could this be?” I thought.
“No Spam. Can I survive without Spam?” I asked the
bartender if there was anything I could do to help find more
Spam. He told me that a meeting was being held in the town
square on the matter, and that everybody was there now.
That’s when I realized that the pain was a message telling me
that I was the one that must save us all and find Spam.
I jumped on my motorized tricycle and headed for the
meeting. When I got there, a man was standing on a giant
Tide box he had turned into a makeshift stage. He was
saying, “As you all know, in the mid-21st century, we were
driven underground by global warming. The only thing we took
with us was a large supply of Spam, and as most of us have
discovered, that supply has run out. We have other foods to
eat, but we have all been eating Spam for so long, we now
have a physical dependence on it. Without it, we will go
mad. Our scientists have already made some digging machines
equipped with Spam radar. I say we start a search
immediately for another underground civilization that has the
technology to make Spam.”
We all agreed and headed for the machines. Two people
were assigned to each vehicle. My partner’s name was Chris.
His job was to watch the radar and mine was to drive. While
most of the groups started moving outward, I had a hunch that
the best way to go would be straight down. Chris thought I
was crazy, but he wasn’t driving. We went straight down.
After we had driven down for two hours, it became hot,
but luckily we had air conditioning. Chris watched the radar
with an eagle’s eye and his own eyes too, but there was no
sight of Spam. We traveled for several more hours. When my
stomach growled and Chris started to sweat from lack of Spam,
there was nothing to do but what we did. I broke the glass
panel labeled EMERGENCY. I took out a small can of Spam and
shared it with Chris. Of course, we had other foods in the
machine to eat, but I didn’t want anything except for Spam.
We had to find Spam now. If we didn’t find some in less than
24 hours, we would die for sure. There was no turning back.
Just when we were about to turn back, Chris told me he
had a faint Spam signal on the radar. We celebrated by
licking the empty Spam can. The longer we traveled, the
stronger the signal became. It got real hot. When Chris
told me the air conditioner had broken under the strain, I
barely heard him. We would be finding Spam soon, and that
was all that mattered. I could almost feel that slimy meat
replica going down my throat. “The Spam readings have shot
off the scale. We should be finding the mother lode any time
now,” Chris told me. Suddenly we broke through a shell into
a large chamber. A great aroma overcame us. It was Spam!
“The instruments tell me that huge ball is two things.
One, it is the very core of the Earth. Two, it is pure
Spam,” Chris said in a state of awe.
At that very moment, a small ball of moldy Spam flew
over my head. “Mold — did you see mold? I didn’t know that
stuff ever went bad,” I said to Chris. Then I spotted what
had shot the ball at us. Two cats were evidently guarding
the core. They were shooting catapults at us, but luckily
they were bad shots. A closer look made us think that their
cataracts had to do with it than luck, though. We paid them
off with some catnip, so they let us pass. We grabbed a big
chunk of Spam and headed back for the complex.
When we got back, there was a huge celebration in honor
of our Spam discovery. The crowd began chanting for a
victory speech, so I gave them one. “Yo, Adrienne, I
achieved Spamness.” – By Damon Heitland Of Ada, OK
The Monty Python Sketch – SPAM
Cut to a cafe. All the customers are Vikings. Mr. and
Mrs. Bun enter — downwards.
Mr. Bun: Morning.
Waitress: Morning.
Mr. Bun: What have you got, then?
Waitress: Well, there’s egg and bacon; egg, sausage and
bacon; egg and spam; egg, bacon and spam; egg,
bacon, sausage and spam; spam, bacon, sausage and
spam; spam, egg, spam, spam, spam, spam, baked
beans, spam, spam, spam, and spam; or lobster
thermidor aux crevettes with a mornay sauce
garnished with truffle pate, brandy and a fried egg
on top and spam.
Mrs. Bun: Have you got anything without spam in it?
Waitress: Well, there’s spam, egg, sausage and spam. That’s
not got much spam in it.
Mrs. Bun: I don’t want any spam.
Mr. Bun: Why can’t she have egg, bacon, spam and sausage?
Mrs. Bun: That’s got spam in it!
Mr. Bun: Not as much as spam, egg, sausage and spam.
Mrs. Bun: Look, could I have egg, bacon, spam and sausage
without the spam?
Waitress: Uuuuuuuggggh!
Mrs. Bun: What do you mean uuuuuggggh?! I don’t like SPAM!
Vikings: Spam, spam, spam, spam, spam … spam, spam, spam,
spam, spam … lovely spam, wonderful spam …
Waitress: Shut up. Shut up! Shut up! You can’t have egg,
bacon spam, and sausage without the spam.
Mrs. Bun: Why not?
Waitress: No, it wouldn’t be egg, bacon, spam and sausage,
would it?
Mrs. Bun: I don’t like SPAM!
Mr. Bun: Don’t make a fuss, dear. I’ll have your spam. I
love it. I’m having spam, spam, spam, spam,
spam…
Vikings: Spam, spam, spam, spam …
Mr. Bun: … baked beans, spam, spam, and spam.
Waitress: Baked beans are off.
Mr. Bun: Well can I have spam instead?
Waitress: You mean spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam,
spam, spam and spam?
Vikings: … spam, spam, spam, spam…
Mr. Bun: Yes.
Waitress: Arrrrgh!
Vikings: … lovely spam, wonderful spam …
Waitress: Shut up! Shut up!
A Hungarian enters.
Hungarian:Great boobies huneybun, my lower intestine is full
of spam, egg, spam, bacon, spam, tomato, spam…
Vikings: Spam, spam, spam, spam…
Waitress: Shut up!
Hungarian:My nipples explode…
Cut to a historian.
Historian:Another great viking victory was at the Green
Midget cafe at Bromley. Once again the Viking
strategy was the same. They sailed from these
fiords here, assembled at Trondheim and wated for
the strong north-easterly winds to blow their oaken
galleys to England whence they sailed on May 23rd.
Once in Bromley they assembled in the Green Midget
cafe and spam selecting a spam particular spam item
from the spam menu would spam, spam, spam, spam,
spam…
Vikings: Spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam … lovely
spam, wonderful spam … spam, spam, spam, spam,
spam … lovely spam, wonderful spam …
Mr. and Mrs. Bun rise into the air.
CREDITS ROLL
Monty Python’s Flying Circus
was conceived, written and spam performed by
Spam Terry Jones
Michael Spam Palin
John Spam Cleese
Graham Spam Spam
Spam Chapman
Eric Spam egg and Chips Idle
Terry Spam Sausage Spam
Egg Spam Gilliam
Also Appearing On Toast
The Fred Tomlinson Spam Egg Chips And Singers
Research Patricia Houlihan and Sausage
Make-Up Penny Penny Penny and Spam Norton
Costumes Egg Baked Beans Sausage And Tomato, Oh,
And Hazer Pethig Too
Animations By Terry (Egg On Face) Gilliam
Film Cameraman James (Spam Sausage Egg And Tomato)
Balfour (Not Sundays)
Film Editor Ray (Fried Slice and Golden Three Delicious
Millichope (Spam Extra)
Sound Chips Sausage Liverwurse, pheasant, spam
newsagents, chips, and Peter Rose
Lighting Otis (Spam’s Off Dear) Eddy
Designer Robert Robert Robert Robert Berk And Tomato
Produced By Ian (mixed Grill) Macnaughton 7/6d
BBC SPAM TV
Service Not Included
“Here is my list of demands.”
“I’m sorry, but plutonium is kinda hard to find.”
“Oh, that. You can just substitute Spam!”
-Night Court
Spamalope: “Fast as fast can be, no one will DARE to
EAT ME!”
– Mix Of The Far Side And Raphael
Dareau’s Parody Of A Famous Phrase
On America’s Funniest People.
“Isn’t it true that the state of Nebraska is entirely
made up of Spam?”
– Dave Barry, Bangor Daily News.
BACK TO NOVA
Laecretius, a fine and powerful sorcerer, was running
level 14 in Avatar, roasting and toasting monsters like all
fine young sorcerers do, and was having fun making the
millions that he usually does, when all of a sudden he ran
into something called Ninja. Ninja did not appreciate
Laecretius teleporting into his room and awakening him from
his nap, and instantly took out his Ginsu knives and sliced
through Laecretius like the tin cans in the commercials.
Laecretius yelled out “OH SPAM”, fell to the floor, and
promptly died. These words that he yelled were echoed around
the walls of the dungeon and were actually amplified so that
the entire dungeon heard his last words before Laecretius’s
total demise. Within the next few minutes, the conversations
between warriors, magicians, thieves, etc, were about Spam
and it happened so fast that it made people dizzy when they
were finally subjected to the concept. People kept talking
about their favorite items, but they wondered what it would
be like if those particular items were made of Spam, for
example, Helmet Of Spam. However, this topic was not totally
liked, as people got sick of it rather quickly and yelled out
“No more SPAM!” before they turned off their ability to
receive messages of any kind from any other player of any
kind, especially those characters that belonged to Raphael
Dareau, the creator of the new NovaNET concept.
As soon as alpert t became involved, KOR and SPAM became
one and acted like a single unit.
After the creation of the Spam phrases and the Nova
concept of it, it began to spread at a rate that could not
have been predicted by anyone. It overflowed not only
AVATAR, but Nova itself and the local Bangor BBS’s.
Meanwhile, in a galaxy far away, Felix stood on the
bridge of his Imperial StarShip watching over his dominion.
His executive officer was monitoring the status of the
portals of the other universes while Felix sat in his
Captain’s chair for the purpose of looking important. After
all, there was not much to do as he had an iron fist over
CERL and there was nothing that anyone could do about it.
Finally, he felt like he should give an order to make
himself look important.
“Lieutenant Jones, would you please open a hailing
frequency to Grog’s Pizza and have them beam up 21 large
grease bombs to go?”
“Aye-aye, sir.”
Suddenly, the red alert alarms came on and a huge vessel
appeared and fired. Felix’s Imperial StarShip shook wildly.
Felix’s Tactical Officer then announced, “Incoming Vessel
from the NOVA portal! Sensors indicate it is powered by a
improbability drive!”
Then pink blobs came out of a torpedo tube of the enemy
vessel and began to stick onto the Imperial StarShip.
“Sensors indicate no damage from the objects, however,
they are creating excess mass on our hull, decreasing our
maneuverability. The objects appear to be made of a Spam
like substance.”
“Fire all available weapons.”, Felix ordered.
Powerful weapons lanced out into space but the other
ships shields absorbed all of the energy quite nicely.
“Incoming Message from the Enemy Vessel.”
“On screen.”, Felix said with a sigh.
“Don’t be alarmed, Mr. Orotony. Be very very afraid.”
Felix kept firing, hoping that one of his phasers or
torpedoes would knock out Merlin’s main power source, a cup
of tea, but all attempts failed. Theo destroyed the Imperial
StarShip with a slingshot that was armed with a keg of Spam
and Felix’s vessel became a bowl of petunias and they sighed,
“Not again!” before being destroyed by the flick of a sperm
whales tail. However, Felix escaped in his trusty pod and
headed back to Magrathea, which is an incredible clone to
=pad. With the Spamalope, Merlin kept bombarding the planet
with his Spam missiles and The Hitchhiker’s Guide To The
Galaxy, causing CERL to collect a fleet to destroy this
nuisance. However, much of CERL was too far away to actually
kill this person, so they offered high powers to him if he
was to leave =pad alone. He agreed, but CERL squeezed out of
the agreement, which encouraged Merlin, who was eventually
joined by Raphael Dareau and Gecko (Thanatos). However, this
portal was the only way to affect CERL and things from NOVA
could not exist long within the alternate universe therefore
the attacks did not maintain themselves.
However, 21 large pizzas mysteriously appeared within
Nova on a Thursday.
Spam found several domains within the NovaNET world. It
resided not only in AVATAR and =pad, but it found it’s
homebase within =purgatory, a notesfile that was quite like
=pad, but it was locally based by Raphael Dareau and was
known to have been somewhat of a success, as people actually
used it. =Pad was the location of the portal that went to
CERL, and Merlin frequently slung Spam into the Portal, not
only hitting Felix and his Imperial StarShip, but he hit
countless innocents as well. Then once CERL devised the
ultimate defense, the Spam Shields and Death Threats, phrases
were tossed out into the portals from sources such as Monty
Python’s Flying Circus, The HitchHikers Guide To The Galaxy,
and Star Trek. The Star Trek itself was not regarded as bad,
more of a sugar coating over the rest of the material that
came through. The Death Threats did not work though, and the
Spam Shields eventually eroded under the weight.
However, the term “slinging” became quite popular, and
the Pro-Spam people became to be known as “The Slingers Of
The Spam.”
Then things became worse when many slingers were given
higher powers on NovaNET. These higher powers were known as
“meauthor”.
Then a few celebrations occurred. The Thomasrino and
Merlin decided to cook a can of Spam at midnight at Merlin’s
house. The smell quickly engulfed the entire house, causing
Merlin’s Parental Unit to be resurrected to a state of
consciousness. She quickly went to the head of the stairs
and yelled “What IS that AWFUL smell?” As last report, it
took 3 days to remove the essence of the Spam-Cookathon.
Months went by. Then the Great Felixmeister, who had
recovered enough funds to rebuild his Imperial StarShip,
decided that he would extend more powers over more of
NovaNET. He took firm control of Avatar, and then decided to
change the entire look with the current version at CERL. He
created monsters in the game that would finish the entire
game, and people made suicide runs to the lowest part of the
game and they quickly got toasted by Astral Traveller or by
some other nasty. (Laecretius got toasted by Scubbi for 2881
damage, which killed him too fast to enable him to yell “Oh
Spam.”) Then the game became different in the mass transport
from CERL to NOVA. However, Spam at this time began to
overflow into real-life in the Bangor area of Maine. Murph,
Schultz, Winn, and a few others were hit the hardest, as the
Slingers Of The Spam visited within their domain, a little
place in Orono called CAPS, a truly marvelous place that you
would not like to see. NOVA overlapped this place, and
people frequently went here to use Nova en masse, creating
huge groups of Characters to go down into the dungeon of
AVATAR to make money. One such group was called =zhentarim,
a group that was in direct competition with =warlond.
=Warlond was headed by the mysterious Murphy S/Umaine, who
for some reason vanished quickly after the Incident in
Revelations.
Murph and Schultz in particular, became quite annoyed at
the visits of The Slingers Of The Spam, and Schultz, who ran
the head-Warlock at the time, announced universally, “NO
WARLOCK SHALL EAT SPAM!”, not that they really paid any
attention. Murph bombarded the group by asking them: Do you
have any thing else better to do?/Do you have homes?/I’ll pay
you $5 if you go home RIGHT NOW. Raphael Dareau retaliated
with Merlin and Gecko acting as shields. However, the CAPS
group did have hearts, and decided that perhaps that if they
rescued these souls from the afterlife when they died in
AVATAR, that they might concede to their ideas. This never
happened however.
Then the Gods Of NovaNET got together in a conference
about the entire ordeal on Nova. They took special attention
to the course that the Spam ideals were taking, and they
decided it was much more obtrusive than anything that had
occurred. They decided to take action, showing these pitiful
people that they could me much more OBTRUSIVE than anything
else in the world. After they had completed this, they were
delighted with the results. They had made CERL and NOVA one
whole and complete Universe, taking away the breathing Space
that the Slingers Of The Spam had. Besides, this action
saved them $1 million a year, because it was very hard to
clean CERL from all the soiling the Slung-Spam had caused
them.
It was at this time in history that Raphael Dareau
to coin the phrase, “I’d like to change your mind…by
hitting it with a rock…”
Then it happened. Judgement Day.
The Debmeister swooped back down to the Earth and began
to attack people again, like the last time, but this time for
keeps. Again, Jim Troutman remained unaffected, as all blows
and such things that caused most of the other people on the
System to die remained ineffective. Indeed, few people
remained. Raphael Dareau survived, but barely. Murph, Winn,
and Schultz still survived. Leonardo still survives also.
Then, Debbe sucked all the ports out of existence, cutting
many contacts. A few of these people had signons, but they
had no way to use them — except for the rare occasion that
the fabric of the local universe wears thin and the Nova
universe is visible through the crack in the fabric.
Then Spam slowly began to fizzle out. However, before
it lost more of it’s sight, Raphael Dareau, Merlin, and Gecko
found out that Spam Pizza was not wholely bad (Even though
Gecko wanted his stomach pumped for a second time.), that
Merlin’s Parental Unit can be made to evaculate the house
quickly and more efficently than ever imagined. The Boy’s
locker room at Orono High School has a piece of Spam hidden
in the panels at the top of the ceiling — which has been
there since November 3rd, 1991 (The Rats Haven’t Touched It
Yet.) — and Gecko had to do this to keep his parents from
poking and staring at it all of the time in the freezer.
Merlin also discovered a Can Of Spam in a stocking on
Christmas morning, which his Mom and his sister thought was
hilarious, until Merlin threated to cook it then and there.
The Spam Incident happened at the John Bapst Library, where
three members of the Anti-Spam (Leo, Don and the Sexman) took
a can of Spam that Raphael Dareau brought in, and threw it
across the entire room, causing the can to split when it hit
the floor, causing a horid smell and mess. The library still
smells like Spam to this day. (And the librarian thinks it
is a new wood cleaner.) Gecko has chased several teachers
away with just the mentioning of Spam. And finally, the
Thomasrino has decided to become Anti-Spam.
However, a prophet on top of King’s Mountain decided
that it was written in the stars that Spam would make a
comeback some day in the near future, that is, if Eloise
Daniels doesn’t make it completely as a Cartoon Superhero
with Dan Quayle.
The Slingers Of The Spam wait for its return…
However there are those who believe that Spam has
changed into another form. One of thses forms that it is
believed to had becomed is that of a IBM computer program
called TriTel. Tritel, however, resembled KOR more than it
resembles Spam, but this may not be entirely true. The only
real simularity between Spam and TriTel is that is was made
almost by the same way.
M.G. was working on his latest BBS program, which for
some reason did not seem to be working at the time, but he
spend many sleepless nights working on this program, a
supposed replacement for many BBS types. However, after many
times debugging the program, he finally was satified with the
package. It was at this time that he and Mutant Slime
decided it was time to give the program life. M.G. placed
the TriTel disk on a bench, and put electrical wires on the
disk and clamped them to the media. Then after clearing the
immediate area, Mark threw a huge switch, causing electricity
from Bangor Hydro to flow into the disk. Then the disk began
to move and Mutant Slime announced, “It’s ALIVE!!”
Indeed, at that point, TriTel was born, and it began to
spread in almost the same exact way as Spam did, but on a
grander scale. Within 2 months, people in Europe heard about
TriTel and began to use it. But unlike Spam, TriTel’s growth
did not reach the “deadly plateau”, but it kept growing.
However, people decided that TriTel was not wholely KOR, as
it is editable, unlike KOR.
Several recipies were made involving triTel, but to
conserve space, we ask that you look at “How To Eat TriTel”,
written by the same author as this publication.
Or was it?
If you hate these texts, you probabally won’t like these
ones either:
y The Story Of Spam
y The Story Of Spam, Volume 2
y The Story Of Spam, Volume 3
y How To Eat TriTel
y Story Of TriTel
y Adventures Of Eloise Daniels the HEROINE.
