“How to Create the Perpetual Party.”
Most parties of this day and age are small events; rarely bringing in more than
fifty to sixty people. A majority of these parties are sponsored by high
school kids who love being killed by their parents. All this is nice and well,
but if you want a real party, it has to last forever. The following instruc-
tions document entirely the materials and steps to be taken in order to create
the Perpetual Party. (Do not try this at home. You’ll never fix your house!)
In order to begin, you must have an overabundance of money or an inheritance
from some insane uncle. (He’d have to be insane to leave anything to you!)
Now, the first step is to purchase a good sized estate: about 10 to 15 acres.
Make sure you use Astro-turf and put steel cages around the trees. Upon this
tract of land, build a 20 bedroom, 10 bathroom, and 2 kitchen house. Make sure
that all walls, floors, and ceilings are fireproof, washproof, and immune to
structural damage.
The next step is to get furniture. Get heavy duty, king-sized beds, steel
reinforced tables, and about 6 to 7 bars. Be sure to bolt all furniture to the
floor. Oh, don’t forget to put a couch in every room. With vynil covers, of
course.
The next step is to get entertainment. Get at least four or five stereo
systems, a VCR and TV for every room in the house, and one or two video game
rooms. If you think it will lengthen the attention span of your guests, you
can get live entertainment. Female and male strippers would do nicely. Or, if
you really want some raunchy material, get some female mud wrestlers. Also,
get at least five copies of every rock song and X-rated movie available. A
favorite thing to get is a swimming pool full of Jello. It provides for hours
of good, wholesome fun.
The next thing to be gotten is food and drink to last for at least a year or
two. Try to get foods with either high sodium, high sugar, and/or high grease
content. Good examples are potato chips, pretzels, cake, ice-cream, candy,
anything from McDonald’s or Wendy’s, or any organic material from a nearby
high-school cafeteria.
As far as drinks are concerned, try and avoid alcoholic beverages unless you
have a reliable bus service. Any type of accident can easily bring any party,
Perpetual or not, to an end. Good drinks to get are beer, vodka, tequila,
scotch, bourbon, rum, soda, etc. To complement the food and drinks, get the
following medicines: Ex-Lax, Pepto Bismol, Alka Seltzer, any type of generic
aspirin except Tylenol, and easy access to a toilet.
After all the above is achieved, the time to start the party has begun. In
order to get a good turnout for the first few weeks, you must advertise.
Advertisements in local newspapers are not enough, you must advertise in
magazines and other national periodicals that will not object to your ad. One
way to really bring ’em in is to advertise on TV and radio. This is where an
ad agency can come in handy.
Eventually, people will not take your ads as jokes and come to your place of
social immoralities. Now, here is where you must begin to plan ahead. Since
you have started a Perpetual Party, you must make sure it remains per- petual.
In order to do this, you must get contracts of indefinite termination with
certain companies. It is important to get a hold of a good and reliable
catering service. Keeping in touch with three or four local liquor shops is
necessary. See if you can get flat rate service from the phone company, and
buy stock in the electric company. With the bills you’ll be running up, it
will pay off.
By now, your vast riches have dwindled to almost nothing. Since this is a
business, you need capital, so charge your guests admission fees. Don’t make
the prices too high or people will not want to come. But don’t be too generous
or you’ll be broke in no time. If you can’t bear to charge admission in money,
at least charge it in food and/or drink. That way you’ll at least save on the
caterer. Try to throw fees around as much as you can without making it look
suspicious. One way to get money rolling in is to open up a small casino. Get
a license for it. As mentioned earlier, you want to avoid trouble.
Eventually, unless you had a very strange accident or are a mad scientist, you
will die. And if you make no plans for this, your party will certainly die
out. So, during the many years of partying, find one person who fits you the
best and get married and have kids. When you near your end, leave the entire
party, all profits, and all responsibilities to the kid who is the more extreme
party animal. Be sure to leave explicit instructions on how to run the party.
This document is perfect. If all goes well, things will continue under good
hands.
So far, these are the necessary steps needed to create the Perpetual Party. If
anything has been omitted, (which is probably true) go ahead and augment this
document. It’s your party anyway.
