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\n3 Compliments Of =Purgatory BBS 3
\n3 (207)-866-2399 3
\n3 THE STORY OF SPAM VOLUME THREE AND A HALF AND A HALF 3
\n@DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDY<\/p>\n
NOTICE:<\/p>\n
This story has been known to confuse people quite easily
\nso it is recommended that you return yourself to a
\nuncomfortable position so that you will be ready for any
\nshocks that you might receive reading this story. This story
\nalso insults Twinkies.<\/p>\n
And Ho-Hos.<\/p>\n
And Ring Dings.<\/p>\n
And the LipLess Wonder.<\/p>\n
THE STORY SO FAR:<\/p>\n
On a unusually boring day, Raphael Dareau, bored out of
\nhis skull, decided that it would be a good time to log in to
\nsomething called NovaNET. Quite a few people say that this
\nincident was not exactly the most brillant thing to let
\nRaphael Dareau do, and some others say, “What possible harm
\ncould he have done to the natural order of things? This sort
\nof thing is inevitable in any normal universe.” And there is
\na guy on top of a mountain in the middle of Nepal meditating
\non this fact. He is quite unsure at this time. Anyway,
\nRaphael Dareau achieved signon-ness, and logged into NovaNET
\nshortly after the incident that caused the complete collapse
\nof the Maine NovaNET structure. It also marked the end of
\nsomething called the Matt Thomas era.<\/p>\n
In the beginning, there was NovaNET. The entire history
\nof NovaNET upto the end of the Matt Thomas era was lost
\nbecause of a tragic headon collision between a blimp and a
\nsubmarine. Details of this incident are still classified,
\nbut one of the investagating officers called it “The most
\nunique tragidies that has been known to mankind.” However,
\nunlike The Story of NovaNET, which has merged with The Story
\nOf Spam, much is known about the history of Spam, from
\nbeginning to end. The actual history of NovaNET before the
\nend of the Matt Thomas era is unfortunately held in the brain
\nof the person who made the era possible. However, from the
\npieces from the wreckage of the blimp-submarine accident,
\nthere were bits of Nova History that was recovered.<\/p>\n
One day during the Matt Thomas era, The Bearded Wonder
\nwas playing Avatar at CAPS for the first time. Little did he
\nknow that one of the sinks in Neville Hall was used to
\ndispose of Biological Waste. This lovely stuff when coming
\ninto contact with skin, caused the affected part of the body
\nto fall off. The Bearded Wonder walked into this particular
\nbathroom and filled the basin with water to begin washing his
\nface. He started washing his face, and then noticed that
\nwater smelled funny. He screamed and was taken to the local
\nmedical facility, where he was rejected and taken to a
\nchiropractor instead. The Chiropractor said that his back
\nwas fine, but they could not rescue his lips. By then, the
\nlips had declared independence, and severed themselves from
\nthe Murph-Unit and joined forces with the Deb. The gangreen
\ninfection however, unfortunately, in The Bearded Wonder was
\ncured, and afther this tramatic incident, The Bearded Wonder
\njoined the Handicapped Lip Society, where he was quickly made
\nPresident.<\/p>\n
All but the President part is just a theory. Even back
\nthose ancient days, no one really knew what happened to
\nThe Bearded Wonder, although the above is the most accepted
\ntheory. Others are:<\/p>\n
o The Bearded Wonder caught his lips in the windowsill,
\nvices, or other type of mechanical apparatus.<\/p>\n
o The Bearded Wonder had gangreen of the lips.<\/p>\n
o He cut them off on a dare or as initiation to some
\ngroup.<\/p>\n
At the near end of the Matt Thomas era, Jim Troutman
\nclimed Mt. Urbana and received a message from Felix, the God
\nof the NovaNET machines. He gave Jim some huge tablets of
\nthe Commandments Of NovaNET, a waste many people said, as the
\nCommandments were available in the local area in paperback.
\nBut Felix did not just give Jim a couple pounds of granite,
\nbut he also gave him a warning. There existed a creature
\ncalled The Guardian Of The Lips which travelled with a local
\ndeity called the Deb. Deb was in charge of the universe
\ncalled =maine, and Felix fortold of destruction and meyhem
\nwas about to be put onto the people in this universe. Jim
\ndid not know what to think, so he ignored it.<\/p>\n
Then about 4 months later, The Deb and The Guardian Of
\nThe Lips swooped down into =maine and began to kill signons
\nleft and right, causing much panic. The only true one that
\nwas ineffected by this action was Jim himself, for Felix gave
\nhim an aurora that Deb and The Lips could not penetrate and
\nthey kept bouncing off the aura everytime that they attacked
\nJim. However, many were not so lucky — in fact, Felix
\nlaughed as The Lips chased and killed signons across the vast
\nlands of =maine. And for those who did survive, life was
\njust not the same. Term-Talk, otherwise known as the Tower
\nOf Babble, crumbled to the ground. Other features such as
\nAvatar and Talkomatic were disabled for periods of time,
\nkeeping people at bay during the daytime hours. Slowly, but
\nsurely, life in =maine began to slowly return to normal, and
\nas long as Deb was happy, everyone was happy.<\/p>\n
Now before we make the connection between NovaNET and
\nSpam, here is a few things that everyone should know about
\nSpam.<\/p>\n
Spam had its beginnings back in 1937 when Jay Hormel,
\none of the major people of the Hormel Meat Company, found out
\nthat several thousand extra pounds of pork shoulder existed
\nwithin one of their storehouses, and they had to find a quick
\nsolution to get rid of it in anyway before the meat rotten
\nand caused a bigger mess than it already was doing. Jay
\nHormel decided that it would be a good idea to have the meat
\nshipped to his secret laboratory. He took the meat and began
\nto mix different products into it. A big black puff of
\nsmoke rose from one particular combination, and it caused
\nsuch a flash that Jay had to look away for a second. After
\nseveral seconds after the flash, he looked and saw a cubical
\npiece of meat that took the place of all the ingrediants that
\nhe mixed together. Daringly, he tasted the product. It did
\ntaste kinda strange, but it was not beyond all hope. In
\nfact, it tasted well enough that it would take care of the
\nextra meat that they had rotting in storage. He then began
\nto market it under Hormel luncheon meat, which many people
\ndecided was the dumbest name to come into existance since
\nFresca, so an emergency meeting was held to find a better
\nname for the new substance. The President declared that the
\nperson who came up with the new name for the meat would
\nreceive $100. Mady people sitting at that table pondered the
\nidea for a few minutes, then all of sudden, Kenneth Daigneau
\nstood up, yelled out “SPAM” and ran down the hallway.
\nSurprised, YET quick to adapt, the luncheon meat was forever
\ndubbed with that ever-holy name and most everyone saw that it
\nwas good, as soon it achieved itself into its current
\ndefinition — A meat substance that is consumed at the rate
\nof 3.8 cans per second and is sold in more thant 50
\ncountries. The meat was so popular that Margaret Thatcher
\nate it for Christmas dinner in 1943 and Nikita Khrishchev
\ncalled it one of the only things to keep the Soviet Army
\nalive.<\/p>\n
Then 50 years later, Spam had a birthday. The luncheon
\nmeat was featured in Minnesota and in many different ways —
\na luncheon that featured an “all you can eat” Spam Breakfast
\nfor $1.99. Also, there were Spam Pizzas and Spam submarine
\nsandwitches (which is not what crashed into the Blimp, or was
\nit?). There was also a Spam eating contest where contestants
\nwere times as they ate a 7-ounce can of Spam. Fingers were
\nthe only utensils that were allowed during the contest and
\nthey could only drink a 7 ounce glass of water. There was
\nalso a Spam sculpting contest where artist were “free” to
\nexpress themselves. Also, this jamboree featured the Spam
\nrecipe contest, with live bands, and bicycle and foot races.
\nAlso, A Spam King and Queen were chosen.<\/p>\n
What kind of connection does this have with anything,
\nyou might ask yourself. It started with NovaNET with
\nsomething like this.<\/p>\n
Laecretius, a powerful sorcerer under the control of
\nRaphael Dareau, was cruising around level 14 in a NovaNET
\ngame called Avatar<\/p>\n
[UNFINISHED]<\/p>\n
