ZDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD?
\n 3 The Story Of Spam – Volume III 3
\n @DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDY<\/p>\n
Disclaimer<\/p>\n
This is The Story Of Spam as recalled from a time not so
\nlong ago, even though some people wish it was. The contents
\nof the following text can confuse and mangle the fabric of
\npeoples minds, so be warned. Most of the following is sadly
\ntrue, but it did mark a permanent mark in a few peoples
\nlives. This is the tale on how it all began.<\/p>\n
Enjoy this text!
\n ZDDDDDDDDDDD?
\n 3 Chapter 1 3
\n @DDDDDDDDDDDY<\/p>\n
Working late one night in 1937 in his secret labratory,
\nJay Hormel had a deadline lurking. He worked at the Hormel
\nMeat Company and he had several thousand extra pounds of pork
\nshoulder that he did not know what to do with – and he had to
\nfind something to do with all this extra meat before it
\nrotted. He then began to mix different products into the
\nmeat and then a big black puff of smoke came up from the
\nmixture and Jay averted his eyes from the sight. When he did
\nfinally look, a huge cubical piece of meat came into
\nexistence. He tasted the product, which seemed to taste a
\nbit odd, but it had possibilities. Then then began to market
\nit as Hormel Luncheon Meat, which was as lame as the word
\n“hip.” Because of this lame name, a emergency meeting was
\nheld and the President Of Hormel offered $100 for a person to
\ncome up with a catchy name. Several minutes of pondering
\nwhen on. Then finally, Kenneth Daigneau stood up, yelled
\n“SPAM” and ran down the hallway. Surprised, yet quick to
\nadapt, the luncheon meat was dubbed “SPAM” and it began to
\nspread to its current modern definition – A meat substance
\nthat is consumed at the rate of 3.8 cans per second.<\/p>\n
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\n 3 Chapter 2 3
\n @DDDDDDDDDDDY<\/p>\n
Laecretius, who lived in the continous realm of Avatar,
\nwas a relatively powerful sorcerer and enjoyed his life of
\nroasting and toasting monsters like all fine young sorcerers
\ndo. He ran level 14 with pride, despite the wise words of
\nthose who knew better – he kept on roasting and toasting
\nmonsters like any fine young and relatively powerful sorcerer
\ndoes. Then one fine day, while teleporting to the level he
\nloved best (14, of course!), he teleported into a Ninja
\nencounter. Ninja was a formidable opponent when the player
\nhad all the upper advantages, but this time the Ninja was
\nprepared as he came out of hiding and cut Laecretius in two
\nbefore Laecretius knew what was going on. Laecretius thudded
\nto the floor of the dungeon and yelled out “OH SPAM” before
\nhis mortal wound caught up with him. These words bounced off
\nthe walls of Avatar and many people heard of these words.<\/p>\n
The people that did hear these words, like the people at
\nHormel, were surprised, but still quick to adapt, and began
\nto spread the word of SPAM and began to assimilate it into
\ntheir normal language. For two hours straight after the word
\nof SPAM was leaked, people continously babbled about it.
\nPhrases such as “Your ear is filled with SPAM” and “You were
\nteleported in solid SPAM.” and began to think of such items
\nsuch as “Wand Of Spam” and “Helmet Of Spam”. The people who
\ndid not think that this was a positive thing to talk about
\nshouted, “No MORE SPAM.”, joined the Anti-Spam Legion, shut
\noff their ability to receive messages from other players, and
\ncontinued their existance. The people that began to enjoy
\nthe entire concept joined the Spam, and continueed on with
\ntheir daily routines. The people who just did not care
\njoined the Neutral Luncheon Meat (which split into groups
\nlike Bologna, MeatLoaf, and The Rabid Children, but these
\ngroups did not last long.) which acted like a apathetic
\nsociety. However, these Anti-Spam groups could not stop the
\ninevitable filling of Avatar with SPAM. It began to take
\nover the game and people’s E-message topics. Then it soon
\noverflowed into other parts of NovaNET and began to spread at
\nan uncontrolable rate.<\/p>\n
After overflowing to the AUTHOR prompt, it then moved
\nover to =pad. =Pad was the most popular and most widely read
\nnotesfile in existance on Nova and Cerl. Soon, Spam became
\none of the many commonly used topics in Pad and it then began
\nto overflow to CERL, thanks to the System Link. The CERL
\npeople, who were godly to the entire system, found this
\nconcept in the notes that they read and they generally did
\nnot like and enjoy it, and soon after reading the 1,000th
\nnote about it, they began to send out death threats to the
\nSlingers Of The Spam, which is what they were now called
\ninstead of the Spam, which was a dull name like Hormel
\nLuncheon Meat. Merlin, who frequented =pad, began to sling
\nSpam at the Felixmeister, who seemed to hate the entire
\nconcept from the beginning, freshly every day and got several
\npeople in the crossfire. These people did not enjoy it and
\njoined the people of CERL in their attempts to keep The
\nSlingers Of The Spam quiet. The people at CERL began to
\nrealize that death threats were not threatening enough and
\nnone of them had enough money to fly to Maine therefore they
\nbegan to try and bribe the Slingers Of The Spam with high
\nlevel signons. However, they failed because they could not
\npull through with their end of the deal, and this just
\nencouraged these Slingers to double their efforts. Pretty
\nsoon, SPAM found its home base. These places were called
\nTalkLine, =spam, and =purgatory. =Purgatory was the =pad of
\nMaine, and soon became popular between the Slingers, Antis,
\nand the Neutrals alike. However, this ended up to be the
\nmain babbling point, which inevitably included SPAM.
\nTalkLine was a babbling point also designed for people to
\njust babble at each other live. Version 3 – 5 of this
\nprogram proved to do this quite well and soon replaced
\nconfcall and TalkoMatic – which also meant that the focal
\npoint of NovaSex was moved as well on the Spam side of
\nthings. =Spam, created by Merlin, was the real place were
\npeople sling Spam. Every note in there for a good solid two
\nmonths were about the meat and people soon left this for
\n=purgatory, which had a little more variety in luncheon
\nmeats. TalkLine was abandoned by a few because they were
\nquite annoyed because a new version of the program was
\npractically written every week – and when it did work
\nproperly, people were being obtrusive to each other because
\nthey continued to use the TERM-boot option, which had the
\nability to remove anyone from the lesson – and for some
\nreason people did not like to be removed from a lesson when
\nthey are having a hearty conversation with another person.<\/p>\n
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Several months went by and then the great Felixmeister
\nannounced that a new Avatar was about to be born. Many
\npeople panicked and began to give away very useful items for
\nlittle or no price. Then the change happened, a new realm of
\nAvatar was born, and many people thought that the slinging of
\nthe Spam would end with the death of the old Avatar.
\nHowever, that statement was incorrect and Spam was brought
\nback to Avatar and coused the Anti-Spam to revolt more. This
\nsudden revolt caused the Spam to revolt more. Things in
\ngeneral, however, were a bit more discreet than when Spam
\nfirst come out and conflicts were more localized. It was
\nduring this time when Murph walked into =purgatory, fed up
\nwith the SPAM concept, and uttered with his non-existant lips
\nat the top of his voice, “NO WARLOCK SHALL EAT SPAM.” Many
\npeople pondered with interest and confusion. Shortly after
\nhe yelled this, Merlin, joined by NovaTeflon and Raphael
\nDareau (who were leaders of the Slingers Of The Spam), began
\nto make frequent trips to CAPS, where NovaNETers like Murph
\nwhere known to frequent. Soon, in a fit of agony, Murph
\nuttered out at 3 in the morning, “Who in the HELL started
\nthis ***! SPAM thing.” The real culprit, Raphael Dareau,
\nbegan to sulk in his chair and continued to play Epigoni, one
\nof the Spam characters in Avatar. The main Slinger Of Spam,
\nMerlin, laughed out loud evilily and said he was. Murph
\nagreed that he was a likely candidate for doing such a thing.
\nNovaTeflon just remained passive and pointed to Theo. It was
\nalso a common fact that when Murph began to become irratated
\nwith the Slingers Of The Spam “living” at Neville Hall, he
\nbegan to ask, “Don’t you guys have HOMES.” They just
\nreplied, “No, and continueed to sling Spam.”<\/p>\n
And then life went on as usual with Spam.<\/p>\n
Until…<\/p>\n
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\n 3 Chapter 4 3
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One hot and lazy day when no one was expecting it, The
\nDebmeister swooped down from her own universe and instantly
\nsucked all the NovaNET ports out of existance, which was the
\ncause of the collapse of the local universe around Bangor,
\nMaine. The people who frequented NovaNET were in shock,
\nsuffered NovaNET withdrawls, and began to go increadably
\ninsane before recovering. However, with the collapse of the
\nuniverse, Spam somehow survived. This time it spread to
\nother forms such as BBS Electronic Mail and then it spread to
\nactual life things. The Slingers Of The Spam groups began to
\norganize at JBMHS and Orono High School, which a few people
\ndid not understand, but were forced to accept the ideas.
\nMany BBS’s began to overflow with Spam, much like Avatar did,
\nand then it became obtrusive to the Anti-Spam. It became
\nMUCH worse when The Electra Byte came into existance and
\nsurported a few things that Nova had. One of these things is
\nthat more than one person could use the System at a time.
\nThis allowed for the Slingers Of The Spam to be obtrusive to
\nothers live, just like NovaNET offered. Many people liked
\nthe ideas, others hated it. This went on as usual life and
\nit fluctuated in and out of existance and life went on in its
\nusual cycle. Gorgon joined the SPAM group and began to yell
\neverytime he appeared, “It is Raph, the SpamMan with all the
\nanswers.” This got on the Anti-Spam nerves and they just
\nbegan to leave Electra Byte BBS every time they heard this.
\nYou could even hear their footsteps as they ran down the
\nhallway. Then NovaTeflon decided to run a local Bangor BBS
\nto increase his obtrusiveness in the local area, and it did
\nprove to be very obtrusive.<\/p>\n
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\n @DDDDDDDDDDDY<\/p>\n
On May 18th, 1990, was the infamous Spam festival that
\nwas held in Minnesota. The luncheon meat was featured in
\nmany different ways – a luncheon that featured a “all you can
\neat” Spam Breakfast for $1.99. Also, there was Spam
\nsandwitches for 99 cents as well as Spam Pizza and Spam
\nsubmarine sandwiches.<\/p>\n
Also, there was the Spam eating contest where
\ncontestants will be times as they ate a 7-ounce can of Spam.
\nOnly fingers were allowed, no utensils, and the only thing
\nthey could drink was a 7 ounce glass of water. There was
\nalso a Spam sculpting contest, in which artists could show
\ntheir favorite median to work in. Also the jamboree featured
\nthe Spam recipe contest, with live bands, cicycle and foot
\nraces. Also, A Spam King and Queen was chosen.<\/p>\n
Other noteworthy things about Spam that is not so known
\nare:<\/p>\n
* Margaret Thatcher ate it for Christmas dinner in 1943.<\/p>\n
* Nikita Khrushchev called it the only thing to keep the
\nSoviet Army alive.<\/p>\n
* It is sold in more thant 50 countries.<\/p>\n
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\n 3 Chapter 6 3
\n @DDDDDDDDDDDY<\/p>\n
Many noteworthy things in the history of Spam has
\noccured in recent months around the Bangor Area. On the Last
\nDay of something called High School, Raphael Dareau brought
\nin a can of Spam at a tournament. The Anti-Spam at this
\nSchool, which consisted with Leo, Don, and the Sexman, called
\nfoul and took the can and tossed it across the school library
\nwhere it promptly split open and spread all over the place.
\nAs soon as the can split, the library began to fill with the
\nnoticeable smell of Spam – which the library still smells
\nlike to this day. Finally, a person decided that they should
\nclean up the meat before it rotted in the library.<\/p>\n
In another corner of the Universe, NovaTeflon began to
\nspread it around their High School where it was somewhat more
\naccepted than it was at Raphael’s side of the universe.
\nHowever, a few people still did not accept the idea. Indeed,
\none teacher in the middle of a study hall heard NovaTeflon
\nand yelled out, “No MORE SPAM!” and ran down the hallway as
\nfast as she could. Since then, there has been surprisingly
\nvery little people in that part of the universe that is part
\nof the Anti-Spam. For what it exists there, all we know is
\nthat the organization as we know it revolves around someone
\ncalled the Thomasrino, also a fellow NovaNETer, but for some
\nreason, probabally due to the destruction of the Matt Thomas
\nEra, did not witness the birth of this new concept.<\/p>\n
A few nights later, Merlin and a person who wishes to
\nremain unknown, was up at midnight cooking some of the meat.
\nThe smell began to immediately engulf the entire house and
\nwithin a matter of minutes, his mother woke up due to the
\nsmell, walked down the stairs and asked, “Theo, what IS that
\nstuff you are cooking?” “Spam”, he replied. His Mom turned
\na greenish color, said “That’s Nice” and went back to bed.
\nBut she was obviously not a happy camper.<\/p>\n
If you can recall that in the earlier volumes of The
\nStory Of Spam that was the last thing to occur in Spam
\nHistory, we now will tell you that more events have occured.
\nOn one fine November day this year, NovaTeflon, Merlin, and
\nRaphael Dareau got together and began to be obtrusive with
\nSpam again. With the power of the three-some, they broke the
\nbarrier that the Debmeister had made for 25 minutes and they
\nvisited =purgatory again. However, it was not filled with
\nSpam – it was just there with hardly anything new in there.
\nHowever, within its deep archives was notes about the
\nluncheon meat which still existed, as well as details about
\n“Let’s Watch Abner Dodge The Dodge.” and “The Top Ten List Of
\nThings I Will Have To Run Over Before I Get My Driver’s List”
\nby Raphael Dareau. Just on a tangent, Raphael Dareau has
\nonly run over 3 of the 10 things in that list. And in
\n=purgatory, it is of interest to note that this is where
\nLeonardo Borowski came, left, came again, left again, came
\nback again, left again, and then came back again.<\/p>\n
Back to the story, the latest Spam incident was that
\naround 4pm one fine Saturday in November, 1991, was that
\nRaphael Dareau, NovaTeflon, and Merlin were getting hungry
\nand decided to have something to eat. They walked down the
\nclosest story, via Eyeballs house, and picked up 2 cheese
\npizzas, a can of Spam, and 4 liters of a dull Orange soda.
\nThey then fried the Spam at Merlin’s house, again filling the
\nhouse with the smell, which caused Merlin’s parental unit to
\nabandon the house for several hours, and then layered the
\ncheese pizza with Spam. They then took the final product,
\ntook it into Merlin’s living room and began to consume the
\nproduct while watching Doctor Who. Everything seemed to be
\nall right except that everyone lost track of time and then
\nthey remembered that they had to leave Merlin’s house soon.
\nHowever, everything was not lost as NovaTeflon collected two
\nslices of left-over Spam and took it for the purposes of
\nSlinging at school. Raphael Dareau and NovaTeflon left
\nMerlin’s house and walked to his house, where Raphael’s ride
\nwas waiting. Then, according to legend, NovaTeflon put the
\nslices of Spam in the freezer, where his parental units could
\nstare at it, poke at it, wonder what it is made of, etc.
\nHowever, we do not know yet what results came about when
\nNovaTeflon slung the Spam at school. That will be covered in
\nThe Story Of Spam, Volume IV.<\/p>\n
This is the entire current history that had been brought
\nup to date as of November 3rd, 1991. We hoped that you
\nenjoyed the text, despite its length. If you have anything
\nto add to the story, either stick your head in a bucket of
\npihrana fish, or contact either Merlin, Raphael Dareau, or
\nNovaTeflon. You can find these three at CAPS or on the local
\nBBS’s. Also, Raphael Dareau has been known to invade
\npizzarias that have the speciality of pepperoni and Spam
\npizzas.
\n ZDDDDDDDDDDD?
\n 3 Chapter 7 3
\n @DDDDDDDDDDDY<\/p>\n
We will conclude this story with the TRUE story of Spam,
\nas known by the BBC and Monty Python.<\/p>\n
Cut to a cafe. All the customers are Vikings. Mr. and
\nMrs. Bun enter — downwards.<\/p>\n
Mr. Bun: Morning.<\/p>\n
Waitress: Morning.<\/p>\n
Mr. Bun: What have you got, then?<\/p>\n
Waitress: Well, there’s egg and bacon; egg, sausage and
\nbacon; egg and spam; egg, bacon and spam; egg, bacon, sausage
\nand spam; spam, bacon, sausage and spam; spam, egg, spam,
\nspam, bacon and spam; spam, spam, spam, egg and spam; spam,
\nspam, spam, spam, baked beans, spam, spam, spam, and spam; or
\nlobster thermidor aux crevettes with a mornay sauce garnished
\nwith truffle pate, brandy and a fried egg on top and spam.<\/p>\n
Mrs. Bun: Have you got anything with spam in it?<\/p>\n
Waitress: Well, there’s spam, egg, sausage and spam. That’s
\nnot got much spam in it.<\/p>\n
Mrs. Bun: I don’t want any spam.<\/p>\n
Mr. Bun: Why can’t she have egg, bacon, spam and sausage?<\/p>\n
Mrs. Bun: That’s got spam in it!<\/p>\n
Mr. Bun: Not as much as spam, egg, sausage and spam.<\/p>\n
Mrs. Bun: Look, could I have egg, bacon, spam and sausage
\nwithout the spam?<\/p>\n
Waitress: Uuuuuuugggggh!<\/p>\n
Mrs. Bun: What do you mean uuuuugggggh! I don’t like SPAM!<\/p>\n
Vikings: Spam, spam, spam, spam, spam … spam, spam, spam,
\nspam, spam … lovely spam, wonderful spam…<\/p>\n
Waitress: Shut up. Shut up! Shut up! You can’t have egg,
\nbacon, spam and sausage without the spam.<\/p>\n
Mrs. Bun: Why not?<\/p>\n
Waitress: No, it wouldn’t be egg, bacon, spam and sausage,
\nwould it?<\/p>\n
Mrs. Bun: I don’t like SPAM!<\/p>\n
Mr. Bun: Don’t make a fuss, dear. I’ll have your spam. I
\nlove it. I’m having spam, spam, spam, spam, spam…<\/p>\n
Vikings: Spam, spam, spam, spam…<\/p>\n
Mr. Bun: …baked beans, spam, spam and spam.<\/p>\n
Waitress: Baked beans are off.<\/p>\n
Mr. Bun: Well can I have spam instead?<\/p>\n
Waitress: You mean spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam,
\nspam, spam and spam?<\/p>\n
Vikings: …spam, spam, spam, spam….<\/p>\n
Mr. Bun: Yes.<\/p>\n
Waitress: Arrrggh!<\/p>\n
Vikings: … lovely spam, wonderful spam…<\/p>\n
Waitress: Shut up! Shut up!<\/p>\n
A Hungarian enters.<\/p>\n
Hungarian: Great boobies honeybun, my lower intestine is full
\nof spam, egg, spam, bacon, spam, tomato, spam…<\/p>\n
Vikings: Spam, spam, spam, spam…<\/p>\n
Waitress: Shut up!<\/p>\n
Hungarian: My nipples explode….<\/p>\n
Cut to an historian…<\/p>\n
Historian: Another great Viking victory was at the Green
\nMidget cafe at Bromley. Once again the Viking strategy was
\nthe same. They sailed from these fiords here, assembled at
\nTrondheim and waited for the strong north-easterly winds to
\nblow their oaken galleys to England whence they sailed on May
\n23rd. Once in Bromley they assembled in the Green Midget
\ncafe and spam selecting a spam particular spam item from the
\nspam menu would spam, spam, spam, spam, spam…<\/p>\n
Vikings: Spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam …
\nlovely spam, wonderful spam…spam, spam, spam, spam, spam…
\nlovely spam, wonderful spam…<\/p>\n
Mr. and Mrs. Bun rise into the air.<\/p>\n
Credits Roll:<\/p>\n
Monty Python’s Flying Curcus
\n was conceived, written and spam performed by
\n Spam Terry Jones
\n Michael Spam Palin
\n John Spam John Spam
\n John Spam Cleese
\n Graham Spam Spam
\n Spam Chapman
\n Eric Spam egg and Chips Idle
\n Terry Spam Sausage Spam
\n Egg Spam Gilliam
\n Also Appearing On Toast:
\n The Fred Tomlinson Spam Egg Chips and Singers
\n Research Patricia Houlihan and Sausage
\n Make-Up Penny Penny Penny and Spam Norton
\n Costumes Egg Baked Beans Sausage And Tomato, Oh,
\n And Hazer Pethig Too
\n Animations By Terry (Egg On Face) Gilliam
\n Film Cameraman James (Spam Sausage Egg And Tomato)
\n Balfour (Not Sundays)
\n Film Editor Ray (Fried Slice and Golden Three Delicious)
\n Millichope (Spam Extra)
\n Sound Chips Sausage Liverwurst, pheasant, spam
\n newsagents, chips, and Peter Rose
\n Lighting Otis (Spam’s Off Dear) Eddy
\n Designer Robert Robert Robert Robert Berk And Tomato
\n Produced By Ian (mixed Grill) Macnaughton 7\/6d
\n BBC SPAM TV
\n Service Not Included<\/p>\n
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\n 3 Final Notes 3
\n @DDDDDDDDDDDDDY<\/p>\n
Other Texts:<\/p>\n
* The Story Of Spam
\n * The Story Of Spam, Volume Two
\n * The Story Of Spam, Volume Three
\n * The Story Of TriTel
\n * The Story Of TriTel, Volume Two
\n * How To Eat TriTel<\/p>\n
ZDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD?
\n 3 Another Dull BBS Ad 3
\n @DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDY<\/p>\n
=Purgatory BBS – Located In Orono, Maine.
\n (207)-866-2399 SysOp: Thanatos
\n Co-Sysops: Raphael Dareau and FSO<\/p>\n
