\n A True American’s Guide to Success in Lower Education
\n by
\n Peregrinus Jupiter<\/p>\n
15 July, 1992<\/p>\n
“I went to the woods because I wanted to live deliberately, to front only the
\nessential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and
\nnot, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived. I did not wish to live
\nwhat was not life, living is so dear; nor did I wish to practise resignation,
\nunless it was quite necessary. I wanted to live deep and suck out all the
\nmarrow of life…” –Henry David Thoreau, `Walden’<\/p>\n
It is to this spirit of life that this file is dedicated. Education, in
\nits purest and most noblest form happens all the time, and most real education
\nhappens when we put all the frivolities of the world aside and look life smack
\nin the face. It was Socrates who said that the unexamined life is not worth
\nliving. So therefore, if you are reading this file to avoid gaining the
\nunderstanding of life that makes us human, go jump off a cliff.<\/p>\n
Education involves reading and thinking and observing and confronting. The
\nprocess of gaining a true education is a source of true ecstacy for the spirit.
\nIt’s an ecstacy that drugs or alcohol cannot approximate. Gaining a true
\neducation can also be disturbing. You may discover that you are not who you
\nthought you were; that other things are not what you thought they were.
\nFundamental and unalterable concepts which guided your life since you sucked the
\nmilk from your mother’s breasts may suddenly dissolve. You may find yourself
\nsoaring to the heights of Olympus on the breath of Truth or you may find
\nyourself throuwn against the brick wall of nihilism. But one thing is for
\ncertain: you will not die without having lived.<\/p>\n
Ok, I think that was enough Jack Handey to scare off the undesirables. Now
\nI’ll get to the point of all this. The very institution which is the arbiter of
\neducation in our society — school — has little to do with true education.
\nEven the best schools infringe on the true exploration of the truths of the
\nUniverse, and the worst…well, exhibit more than a utilitarian interest in
\nTruth and be labelled a nerd or a geek and be shoved into a locker. Don’t let
\nthem kid you; school is a Behemoth which is engulfing humanity one spirit at a
\ntime.<\/p>\n
So to get right to it, this file will give you some advice on how to spend
\nas little time on school as you possibly can, and leave as much time as possible
\nfor your real education. There are some quick tricks involved, but these are
\nfew. The real way to go about things is image projection. This file will help
\nyou learn to project the images you need to to turn things your way and get out
\nof wasting more time than you need to on fulfilling the requirements of school,
\nwhile getting good grades. I’ll use myself as an example. Although I did less
\nwork than almost everyone in my class, I graduated third in my class, got a
\nfistful of awards, got over $12,000 in scholarship money and will be attending
\nan Ivy League school next year. So NYAH to you!<\/p>\n
Ok, before we get started, there’s just a few things…<\/p>\n
1.) I sure as hell hope you’re smart. Don’t try to pull this off if you’re not.
\n Seriously: following the advice this file gives is not easy. You’ll most
\n likely get yourself into some sticky situations, and you’d better be able
\n to bullshit your way out of them.<\/p>\n
2.) Start as early as you can at a particular school. The worst-case scenario
\n in the public schools, where you’re labelled one way or the other since
\n kindergarten. A good time to start following this advice is about the
\n beginning of sophomore year in high school. If you’re younger than that, I
\n doubt you have the ability to put into practice these directives.<\/p>\n
3.) If you can’t see yourself doing these things, don’t. It’s as simple as
\n that. Don’t try to fake it, you’ll just have to study like everyone else.<\/p>\n
Ok, let’s go.<\/p>\n
“Those who can, do. Those who can’t, teach.”
\n“Those who can’t teach, teach gym.” (corellary)<\/p>\n
Why do teachers teach? It’s not for the money, that’s for sure. We’ll
\nseparate teachers into three classes:<\/p>\n
TYPE A: Up-and-comings. These teachers don’t like teaching. They’re using it
\nas a stepping stone to a brilliant career in another field, more often than not
\none their parents pushed them into. Sometimes they majored in something
\nludicrous in college and have nothing else to do with the degree. Eventually if
\nthey keep teaching they may evolve into types B or C. These can be difficult
\nones to play. As a general rule, the smarter they are, the better off you are.<\/p>\n
TYPE B: Assholes. No other field in the world other than education would
\nput up with these people. If you get the feeling that a particular teacher is
\nin it just because they have a compulsive need to pick on you, they’re probably
\ntype B. Anal-retentives, shop teachers, gym teachers, and like fit in here.
\nDon’t fuck with these people at first. When you’re good at what you’re doing,
\nthese will be the easiest type to play. But for now, lay off them.<\/p>\n
TYPE C: “Quality-teachers.” Christa McAulliffe types. These are the jackpot.
\nThey are in it because they are devoted to learning and education and the like.
\nThese are the people who could teach at Universities if they wanted to, but they
\ndon’t. THey teach honors courses. With just a little work, you can play these
\ntypes like a fiddle. Oh, and if they graduated during the sixties, man o MAN
\nyou’re gonna have some fun.<\/p>\n
Marvelous. Now, what’s the point of breaking down all your teachers into three
\ngroups? Damned if I know. But in general, you should get inside the mind of all
\nyour teachers. Find out how they think. Find out what moves them. Find the
\nskeletons in their closets. Do some good clean Freudian analysis. Do this even
\nbefore you get them. If you’re aspiring to the Ivy League or to a good college,
\ntry to get Type C teachers. Chances are, if a course is taught by a Type B
\nperson, that’s not the type of course that will help you in your application.
\nIf you find that you like taking shop and gym and home economics, Godspeed and
\nhope you enjoy East Bumfuck Community College!<\/p>\n
Dandy. I’m scaring off people by the millions. If you’re left, hello. I like
\nyou. Let’s get to work.<\/p>\n
The first rule that you must learn is: Teachers give smart kids good grades.<\/p>\n
Let’s dissect the sentence.<\/p>\n
TEACHERS… yeah, the guy with the suspenders and tie at the front of the class
\npretending to be a professional.<\/p>\n
SMART KIDS. Hold on a minute. You know that girl in your class that studies
\n40 hours a week, gets all A’s, everyone expects to go to Harvard, never gets a
\ndate in her life? You know her? (Let’s call her Mary; she’s probably a
\nvirgin…) She’s not smart. She thinks an A+ on the report card is the meaning
\nof life. She WORKS for her grades. If you want to work for your grades, by
\nall means do so. You don’t need this textfile.<\/p>\n
Now you….you’re smart. You know you are. You’re not interested in anal-
\nretentive little details. You’re a “deep thinker.” You see things other
\npeople don’t. You understand yourself better than other people do. You’re
\noften spaced out. You have a lot of good horse sense. Oh, and you’re
\nreading this textfile. There, that proves it.<\/p>\n
GIVE…Mary earns her grades. You’re not interested in earning your grades.
\nYou want teachers to GIVE them to you.<\/p>\n
GRADES…Those oppressive little marks which will dictate the rest of your
\nlife. That fact that you’re about to cheat your way around them proves they
\nare lousy.<\/p>\n
Teachers give smart kids good grades. It’s quite simple.<\/p>\n
Now wait a minute, you’re saying. Why haven’t I been getting good grades then?<\/p>\n
Quite simply, your teachers don’t know you’re smart.<\/p>\n
We’re going to change that.<\/p>\n
You see, everything has to do with image projection. Your teachers don’t know
\nyou. They only know the image you project in school. So if you can convince
\nsmart, you’ll get good grades. Why? Because your Type C teachers are smart
\ntoo! You’re the reason they went IN to teaching in the first place. They WANT
\nto give you good grades.<\/p>\n
Albert Einstein was undoubtedly one of the most brilliant people to ever live.
\nHe saw things back in 1905 that have since proven to be true, but that no one
\nsince can even understand.<\/p>\n
Albert Einstein used to show up for work wearing his pajamas. Why? He was so
\npreoccupied with larger things he’d forget to change his clothes.<\/p>\n
You are smart. You’re like Albert Einstein. Einstein forgot to bring his suit
\nand tie to work. You forget to bring your homework. Why? You’re mind is on
\nbigger things.<\/p>\n
Einstein went to work in his pajamas. Einstein won the Nobel Prize.<\/p>\n
You see, the Nobel Committee was willing to overlook the fact that Einstein went
\nto work in his pajamas because he was SO smart he didn’t have time to think
\nabout his clothes. Likewise, your teachers won’t care if you don’t do your
\nhomework…IF they think you also have your mind occupied with bigger and better
\nthings.<\/p>\n
So, here’s how to go about it.<\/p>\n
DATELINE: DAY 1. The first day of school. Lovely, lovely. Teachers get awful
\nsentimental about the first day of school. They’ve got a fresh new crowd of the
\n*FUTURE OF AMERICA* sitting there waiting for their every word. So don’t
\ndisappoint them! Sit in the front row! Let them see the admiration and wonder
\nin your eyes. When Mary starts to take notes, take out the notebook (in good
\nacademic form) but don’t take notes. Remember, you’re too smart to worry about
\ntaking notes. Just sit and gaze at the teacher, and follow what he says. Make
\neye contact. Be interested in what he wants you to be interested in. Make him
\nfeel like the $20,000 a year is worthwhile. After class, don’t rush off. Stay
\nand ask a question. Some suggestions:<\/p>\n
ENGLISH: I was just interested in how the Department came up with this
\nparticular reading list…<\/p>\n
AMERICAN HISTORY: (laugh) I was just wondering if you think we’ll make it to the
\nVietnam War this year.<\/p>\n
EUROPEAN HISTORY: I was just wondering if the course would be covering Post-
\nWorld War II history as well.<\/p>\n
AFRICAN HISTORY\/WORLD CULTURES: [What the fuck are you taking a politically
\ncourse like that for? I sure as hell hope it’s required!]<\/p>\n
CALCULUS: What exactly ARE the diffences between the AB and BC Calculus exams.
\n(Question sure to follow: Are you interested in taking the BC exam?) Answer:
\nOh, maybe, I’ll have to see. I do really well with the larger concepts, (laugh)
\nbut my downfall is the addition and subtraction. (i.e., I’m so concerned with
\nthe larger theories of calculus I don’t have time for addition and
\nsubtraction…)<\/p>\n
PRE-CALCULUS: Does this course include all the material in the trigonometry
\ncourse?<\/p>\n
TRIGONOMETRY: I hate to go off on a tangent, but will you cosine this? (Trust
\nme, they LOVE this one!)<\/p>\n
GEOMETRY: Will we also be doing non-Euclidean geometry?<\/p>\n
FRENCH (beginning course): I heard that French is harder than Spanish… Why is
\nthat?<\/p>\n
FRENCH (advanced course): (laugh) So, are we reading Proust this year?<\/p>\n
SPANISH (beginning course): Do they teach the Castillian or the Latin-American
\npronunciation in this school?<\/p>\n
SPANISH (advanced course): (laugh) So, are we reading Cervantes this year?<\/p>\n
GERMAN: Will we be doing a unit on the old German alphabet?<\/p>\n
RUSSIAN: Do you know if there are word processor programs for the Cyrillic
\nalphabet?<\/p>\n
ITALIAN: [What the hell are you taking Italian for?]<\/p>\n
PORTUGUESE: [Ditto.]<\/p>\n
LATIN (beginning course): Is the syntax of the sentences in this text based on
\nthe Classical syntax, like Wheelock?<\/p>\n
LATIN (advanced course): Why are are we studying (A) and not (B). [For A and B
\nsubstitute Caesar, Ovid, Cicero, Horace, Catullus]<\/p>\n
ANCIENT GREEK: How long does it generally take to adjust to the alphabet?<\/p>\n
ART OF ANY TYPE: [These teachers are Arch-Type C’s: you can bullshit about
\nANYTHING!]<\/p>\n
PHILOSOPHY: [Ditto]<\/p>\n
BIOLOGY\/CHEMISTRY: How much laboratory work will there be?<\/p>\n
PHYSICS: Will we be studying primarily Classical Physics or Quantum as well?<\/p>\n
GYM: [This is a special case. DON’T stick around to ask a question. Grunt like
\na savage as you dash for the showers.]<\/p>\n
OTHER: [Use your imagination!]<\/p>\n
These types of questions are a good way to get a consistent dialogue going
\nbetween you and your teacher. This dialogue is ESSENTIAL!!!!! Talk you your
\nteachers as often as you can! Discuss the subject and discuss your own reaction
\nto it. Look as if the things you are learning are REALLY affecting you. And
\nkeep asking these questions all the time…<\/p>\n
DATELINE: 1.5 WEEKS. Now’s the time to catch your teacher aside. Look
\nconcerned. Something’s not going right. “Hmm…this is kind of hard to say.
\nI’m kind of worried about the direction things are going in in class. I mean, I
\ncan see what you’re trying to do….[talk about something the teacher has been
\ntrying to get across] but I’m not sure everyone is picking up on it. (shrug) I
\ndunno…maybe I get too worried…” Here’s where it’s started. You look deeply
\nconcerned about the direction of things. “Gee,” thinks the teacher, “this kid
\nis losing sleep over my class. He must be smart!” This will be the first of
\nyour “transcendental” dialogues. Again, here are some examples that worked.<\/p>\n
ENGLISH: “I don’t know, I guess it’s just that I’m worried that everyone in the
\nclass is getting so caught up in the details that we’re all missing the point.
\nI mean this is an AMAZING piece of Literature and I think that that’s being lost
\nby some of us.” [Note: don’t imply that this is the teacher’s fault, just make
\nit look like you are lamenting a sad fact of society….]<\/p>\n
PHILOSOPHY: “I don’t know, I guess it’s just that I think that we can all be so
\nsure of ourselves that we refuse to accept what [name of philosopher] is trying
\nto tell us. I mean, to gain a real understanding of what he’s trying to way, I
\nthink you have to take a great deal on faith to get beyond that…..[grope for
\nthe right word]…. superficial understanding…”<\/p>\n
CALCULUS: “Hmm….Some kids in the class had a rough go of things in Pre-Cal
\nlast year, and some of us are worried if that’s likely to slow us up. Or is
\nthis year’s course pretty independent of that…?”<\/p>\n
Anyway, you get the point. You’re two weeks in, and you’ve already been noticed
\nby your teacher. You’re the kid in the class who is affected by what’s going
\non. You’re moved by it. You’re disturbed when it doesn’t go right. You’re
\nalways wondering about the philosophical rammifications of things. You’re in
\nPhysics? Suddenly, everything you study changes your perception of the
\nuniverse. TALK about these things with your teacher.
\nBe a teacher’s pet….not by getting perfect grades like Mary, but by being the
\ntype of student your Type C teacher always dreamed about teaching; the type of
\nstudent they once were. Plus, you’re setting yourself up to save your ass
\nlater.<\/p>\n
OK, so now you’re a month in and you’re bored of studying. Good for you. Get
\non with the rest of your life. The teacher loves you. So you can taper off
\nwith studying and doing your homework. However, you always have to make it look
\nlike you are being more and more affected by what you are studying. (By the end
\nof the year you will be acting like Einstein if all goes well…)<\/p>\n
Here’s where the good acting comes in. You HAVE to be messy! Mary is neat.
\nYou are too smart to worry about keeping your papers in order. So LOOK messy.
\nHave your papers all over the place. Have your homework that first month…but
\nwhen they ask for it, purposely take longer and longer to find it. When they
\nask where it is, look through the pages of your copy of Scientific American and
\n`Beyond Good and Evil’ before finding it tucked away on Page 156 of `A Brief
\nHistory of Time.’ All the while, you have to look INCREDIBLY confused, like
\nEinstein fumbling with his pajamas in front of the Nobel Committee. If the
\nteacher makes a comment about organization, shrug. laugh, and say `I know, I
\nknow… I always try to organize things but I always have so much on my mind I
\nforget where things are. One time I spent an hour looking for a set of keys I
\nhad in my right hand…” Therefore, deep into month 2 when you start showing up
\nWITHOUT your homework, it won’t surprise them. They’ll just assume you have it
\nsomewhere. In fact, if you do enough fumbling and rustling to disturb the
\nclass, they’ll probably VOLUNTEER that you turn it later. Neato. As I say, you
\ncan’t go whole hog right away with being irresponsible; you’ve got to work up to
\nit.<\/p>\n
Ok, now we’ve got some other aspects of your personality to develop. Firstly,
\nyou’re going to portray yourself as a Messiah-figure. Except you’re not saving
\nthe world: you’re saving your school. How do you do this? Pick an
\nextracurricular activity with some level of importance to it. Any school
\npublication is best; since journalism seems to carry with it this whole attitude
\nof saving the ignorant masses. I’ve had whole goddamn TESTS delayed as much as
\n4 days just because I was busy with the school newspaper. Other good choices
\nare student government, debating society, National Honor Society, and the like.
\nNo one’s going to forgive you if you sacrifice your own grades in the name of
\nthe Chess Team, so be sure that what you do has some high-falootin’ airs about
\nit. Also, you can’t just act dedicated, you’ve got to be a goddamn martyr. If
\nyou fuck up a test, approach the teacher afterwards and say, “I’m sorry about
\nthe way things have been going for me. It’s just that the newspaper is in
\nserious danger of folding up altogether, and that would be a disaster for the
\nway things are around here…” Man, you’ve GOT to attach this serious
\nimportance to what you are doing. Oh, and by the way, pick one thing. A
\nteacher will forgive you for martyring yourself for one cause, but he will not
\nlet you off the hook for a mediocre interest in 10 causes.<\/p>\n
Ok, another thing: You’ve got to appear in frail health all the time. Ways to
\ndo this: During a lecture, hold your head betweem your hands and try to work up
\na sweat. Act dead exhausted. If you’re daring, you could even conspicuously
\npop a Tylenol. If the teacher asks “are you feeling ok?” you’ve hit the
\njackpot. Say “oh, yeah, I’ll be fine, I think maybe I’m not getting enough
\nsleep. Maybe I’m not getting enough fresh air…” Voila! Act like this often.
\nAnd linger after class. If the teacher says “Why aren’t you getting enough
\nsleep?” here’s the time to act the martyr. “I was so late here with the
\nnewspaper yesterday that I had to stay up all night to finish my homework.”
\nThey’ll love you for that one. If you have an arch-type C like a good English,
\nArt, or Philosophy teacher, this one is a gem: “I was up `till 4 a.m. last night
\nreading [insert name of a pillar of Western Literature]; it was just so…I
\ndon’t know….I couldn’t stop reading it.” If they buy this one, you’ll have
\nthem eating out of the palm of your hand for weeks to come.<\/p>\n
Benefits of “frail health?”<\/p>\n
A.) “I was too sick last night to finish my homework.” Do this one BEFORE
\nschool, not during class when it is collected. Also, NEVER negotiate with a
\nteacher like this during class because they always have a point to prove. If
\nyou have been successful in portraying yourself as sickly, they will believe
\nthis one, and will give you extra time to do it. Act concerned as hell: “Will I
\nbe able to follow along in class today without having done it? Maybe I start it
\nat lunch…” Inevitable response “Oh, no, don’t do that, I’m sure you’ll be
\nfine…”<\/p>\n
B.) Time off! Yes, you can stay out sick long and often and no one will get
\nsuspicious. Sick days are an excellent time to do an entire semester’s worth of
\nhomework. This is a good time to mention that if you turn in something wicked
\nlate, they will be less nit-picky about the actual content than they would have
\nif you had handed it in on time. Why? Because they are bored with the subject
\nand they have their minds on current things.<\/p>\n
C.) Chicken Out! If you have to be in school for something in the morning but
\nhave a test on which you haven’t studied in the afternoon, go home sick! It
\nwon’t surprise anyone. They won’t get suspicious. Exception: Public School
\nNurses. These people are trained to harrass the ill: “What’s the matter? Why
\nare you going home? What are you trying to get out of? A test?” Now, you have
\nto play the supplicant with your teachers, but DO NOT TAKE SHIT FROM YOUR SCHOOL
\nNURSE. If the school nurse even suggests that you are going home because of
\ntrying to get out of a test, GIVE THAT LADY THE WRATH OF GOD! Even threaten to
\nreport her to whoever sounds threatening. Oh, and by the way, no matter what
\nthe school nurse tries to pull, she HAS to let you go home. And if you’re
\ndaring, this line will shut the lady up permanently: if she says what are you
\ndoing, going home to get out of a test? say this: “No, the Xanex my psychiatrist
\ngave me is so strong I can hardly stand up straight…” That will shut the
\nbitch up AWFUL quick…and most likely for good!<\/p>\n
That’s an excellent bridge into our next aspect of your character: you have to
\nalways seem on the verge of a nervous breakdown. There are few things in the
\nworld that could make teachers feel more guilty than causing you a nervous
\nbreakdown. And don’t let them assume that it’s family trouble or something like
\nthat. Be sure they know that your martyrdom is the cause. Strike up one of
\nthose incessant “transcendental” conversations and tell them: “Between all the
\nproblems of the school here I lose sleep over, and keeping my own head above the
\nwater, I always feel like I’m about to go nuts!” Well, you’re the pet student,
\nso they wouldn’t want THAT to happen. Result: they back off…and you get good
\ngrades for being a martyr. Reason: martyrs are smart! Martyrs see things other
\npeople don’t; therefore they are willing to sacrifice themeselves for those
\nthings. Act as if you’re the only one who sees what a shithole your school is,
\nand act as if because you see this you’ve GOT to change things even if it means
\nputting yourself out. The teachers will admire you to DEATH for that… And
\nplus, going crazy is also in their minds further confirmation that you are
\nsmart.<\/p>\n
Also, here’s one that never fails: With Arch-Type C’s such as English, Art, and
\nPhilosophy teachers, make it look like the LITERATURE is driving you crazy! Let
\nme tell you an example of what I pulled off once:<\/p>\n
The assignment was to read a certain amount of Philosophy and then do a report
\non it. Well, I caught the teacher beforehand and told him that the reading we
\ndid was so mind-blowing I couldn’t even DEAL with it last night, never mind
\ndoing a report on it. All I could do is go out for a walk and try to grapple
\nwith it. Result: I got a few extra days to do it and got a better grade than I
\nwould have. And here is a perfect example of why you have to have them
\nCONVINCED that you are smart. If the class clown tried to pull this off, the
\nteacher would in so many words tell him to fuck off.<\/p>\n
What will all of these things (the Messiah, Sick, and Crazy characters) also do
\nfor you? It will convince them that you are not lazy. If they find out that you
\nare lazy, you’ve blown it and you’ll have to study for a while to convince them
\ndifferently.<\/p>\n
Now, then. DATELINE: 2.5 MONTHS. They love you. You’ve earned yourself an
\nunprecendented amount of freedom to get away with shit. So use it! Here’s
\nhow…<\/p>\n
(All of these tricks and hedges are tried and true and have been tested in the
\nfield. And
\nthey work!)<\/p>\n
Problem: Test coming up. You have no idea WHAT the hell is going on.
\nSolution: Get the test put off a few days. Approach the teacher outside of
\nclass and say, “The class picked me to come and speak to you about this test
\ncoming up. Some of them are worried that we’re not going to be ready for it…”
\nNotice you’re placing the blame on everyone else. Your Type-C teacher is far
\ntoo tactcful to ever mention the conversation with your classmates, so you’re
\nsafe. Be sure to mention a few things that “they” (read `you’) are clueless
\nabout. Success rate: putting off a test is a big order, consequently this one
\nworks about 50% of the time, but it’s worth the try.<\/p>\n
Problem: Teacher collects paper. You didn’t do it. Solution: Hand in another
\npaper! Strange but true! Chances are they won’t notice while they are
\ncollecting it. If they do, you can just act like Einstein in his pajamas and
\n“search” like crazy for it through your disorganization. Later, when you have
\nthe paper done, (the range on this is short, say the next morning)
\ninconspicuously shove the paper in a pile of the teacher’s shit when he ain’t
\nlooking. Better yet, if your teacher has a folder for each class he teacher,
\nput it in another folder so he later thinks he misplaced it. When the teacher
\nnotices he has a paper for another class, you can just say you handed that paper
\nin with the other one accidentally. Incidentally, if you get nabbed messing
\nthrough the teacher’s shit, tell the “truth.” Say you noticed that you had
\nhanded in the wrong paper. You were just leaving the real paper for the
\nteacher. Also, use a sense of urgency by saying “Actually, do you have the
\npaper I accidentally gave you yesterday? I have to hand that in today!” Adds a
\nbit of credibility to the story. Also, when you are doing late papers, be SURE
\nto put the proper date on it! A paper that’s 3 weeks late is worthless if you
\ndated it yesterday. Success rate: 90%<\/p>\n
Problem: You have to hand in a large paper, but you’re not done with it yet.
\nSolution: Hand in half the paper! Just stick the second half in with the
\nteacher’s shit later. Chances are, when the teacher gets to yours, he’ll go
\nlooking for the rest of it, and if he finds it, no problem! Be sure in the
\nsecond half of your paper to put a staple in the top left hand corner, then pull
\nit out to make a hole, thereby making it look like the two halves got separated.
\nSuccess rate: Has yet to fail.<\/p>\n
Problem: Teacher gives an assignment, says “No late papers accepted.”
\nSolution: I have never seen a teacher who threatens “no late papers accepted”
\nfollow through on it. It’s a bluff. But anyway, here’s what to do. Put the
\npaper on the floor. Step on it. Crinkle it a bit. Then shove it under the
\nteacher’s desk. He will think he dropped it. Success rate: Has yet to fail.<\/p>\n
Excuses: Here are some excuses for not having homework, if your teacher is
\ninclined to accept them:<\/p>\n
Math assignment: “I left it tacked to my bulletin board.” This is such a wacky
\nyet simple excuse that they will believe it! Most likely they will say “What
\nthe hell did you tack it to your bulletin board for?” and you will have a
\nperfect opportunity to construct a wacky story. Remember, the more details you
\ngive, the more believable the story. And remember, with this, as with ALL
\nexcuses, DO IT BEFORE SCHOOL. They have something to prove during class time
\nand will not let you off the hook then.<\/p>\n
Written assignment: “My printer broke. However, I have a copy of it here on
\ndisk. (hold up floppy) I will give it to you if you like.” This is a ballsy
\nbluff, and they will NEVER call you on it. Teachers get put off by computers
\nmore often than not, so they will not only sympathise with you, but they won’t
\nwant to touch your disk. In case they do take it, use a defective one, so if
\nthey do go and put it in and get “General error reading drive A:” they will feel
\nchagrinned as hell and will probably think they wrecked it.
\nSuccess rate: 95% first time, decreases sharply each time you use it.<\/p>\n
Many schools have a time card punch in the front office. Many teachers make use
\nof this, saying, “the paper is due at the end of the day, so stamp the paper
\nwith the time and then put it in my mailbox.” This is a gift. Write up a title
\npage, stamp the title page, then relax. Take a trip to Disney World. When you
\ncome back, write the paper, staple it to the stamped title page, and leave it in
\nthe mailbox of a department chair with a LOT of mail. (Oh, yeah, be sure the
\nteacher’s name is also on the title page.) Eventually, the department chair
\nwill forward it to your teacher and say “I don’t know how this got in my
\nmailbox.” If they ask you, shrug and say I gave it to the secretary at the
\nfront desk. Success rate: Has yet to fail.<\/p>\n
Other hints:<\/p>\n
Fake a nervous breakdown. Go to your teachers for help.<\/p>\n
Make your teachers fight over you. Hell, you’re a valuable resource, aren’t
\nyou, being a Messiah for the school. If one teacher gets on your back, complain
\nthat another teacher is driving you crazy and generally fucking up your life.
\nBe gutsy about it. For you to sit and basically call a colleague of theirs a
\njerk is VERY, VERY fulfilling for them. Be harsh. But don’t whine. Once in a
\nwhile, hand in a stunning paper. When the teacher comments how wonderful it
\nwas, don’t say “Yes, I tried really hard.” Say “Yeah, Mr. So-and-so finally got
\noff my back.” You’ve just earned yourself some more freedom…<\/p>\n
Are you getting the hang of things? Teachers play on a certain level. They love
\nto lord over students. You can play on their level, too! They love that,
\nreally! Eventually, if they catch on to what you are doing, they WON’T EVEN
\nCARE! I had one English teacher who had a very strict policy on tardiness of
\nassignments. If you handed in things late, you lost credit. Well, I used all
\nthese tricks on that teacher. I never handed in a paper on time, but I never
\nlost credit. Later, a year after I had him, he told me that he knew my tricks
\nall along. Well, I was embarassed: BUT HE STILL NEVER TOOK OF CREDIT! So I had
\nthe last laugh!<\/p>\n
Treat your teachers like colleagues. Teacher’s don’t try to fuck over their
\ncolleagues, so they won’t try to fuck you over. Treat them like professionals!
\nTake an interest in the politics of the teachers in the school. Most students
\nhave an “us versus them” view of teachers. What you have to realize is that
\nteachers are not a unified front. They sit and argue and bitch and fuck each
\nother over as much as students do. A lot of teachers hate each other ardently.
\nThe difference is, students are open about their squabbles whereas teachers hide
\nthem to maintain the students’ respect for the faculty. So talk to your
\nteachers. Find out what’s going on. They will confide in you. They will treat
\nyou like a player.<\/p>\n
And most importantly: THEY WILL STAY THE FUCK OFFA YOUR BACK!!!<\/p>\n
Happy hunting!<\/p>\n
APPENDIX A: WHAT TO DO WHEN YOU’VE SUCCEEDED.<\/p>\n
You’ve taken my advice to heart. You’re doing shit for work and riding the
\ngravy train. Now you’ve got a lot of free time. So what should you do?<\/p>\n
– Sleep zzZzzZZZzzzzZzzzZZzz<\/p>\n
– Peruse the great works of Western Literature<\/p>\n
– Play practical jokes<\/p>\n
– Watch a video of Richard Wagner’s epic “Der Ring des Nibelungen.” At 17 hours,
\nit’s a great way to kill time and experience a fucking awesome work of art. I
\nrecommend the Metropolitan Opera production.<\/p>\n
– Call The Works! (See ad below)<\/p>\n
– Become a Warez d00d.<\/p>\n
– Spy on your neighbors.<\/p>\n
– Watch cartoons.<\/p>\n
– Crank call your teachers.<\/p>\n
– Watch Congress on C-SPAN for an entire day. This will PISS YOU OFF!<\/p>\n
– Hang out with the dregs in Harvard Square. (MA residents only.)<\/p>\n
– Conduct a fake Gallup poll. Call a random guy, ask him 4 questions about
\npolitics, then for question 5 ask “Do you douche?”<\/p>\n
– Visit a tot lot.<\/p>\n
– Buy some CD’s.<\/p>\n
– Learn German.<\/p>\n
– Construct an atomic bomb. There are plenty of textfiles to help.<\/p>\n
– Read some erotic poetry. Suggestion: John Donne<\/p>\n
– Read some eroric prose. Suggestion: Guy de Maupassant<\/p>\n
– Read some Nietzsche.<\/p>\n
– IN OTHER WORDS, EARN YOUR REAL EDUCATION!!!<\/p>\n
Finis.
\nAlso sprach Jupiter.<\/p>\n
A PEREGRINVS IVPITER PRODUCTION (C) 1992 Peregrinus Jupiter.<\/p>\n
