\t\t “How to Create the Perpetual Party.”<\/p>\n
Most parties of this day and age are small events; rarely bringing in more than
\nfifty to sixty people.\tA majority of these parties are sponsored by high
\nschool kids who love being killed by their parents. All this is nice and well,
\nbut if you want a real party, it has to last forever. The following instruc-
\ntions document entirely the materials and steps to be taken in order to create
\nthe Perpetual Party. (Do not try this at home. You’ll never fix your house!)<\/p>\n
In order to begin, you must have an overabundance of money or an inheritance
\nfrom some insane uncle. (He’d have to be insane to leave anything to you!)<\/p>\n
Now, the first step is to purchase a good sized estate: about 10 to 15 acres.
\nMake sure you use Astro-turf and put steel cages around the trees. Upon this
\ntract of land, build a 20 bedroom, 10 bathroom, and 2 kitchen house. Make sure
\nthat all walls, floors, and ceilings are fireproof, washproof, and immune to
\nstructural damage.<\/p>\n
The next step is to get furniture. Get heavy duty, king-sized beds, steel
\nreinforced tables, and about 6 to 7 bars. Be sure to bolt all furniture to the
\nfloor.\tOh, don’t forget to put a couch in every room. With vynil covers, of
\ncourse.<\/p>\n
The next step is to get entertainment.\tGet at least four or five stereo
\nsystems, a VCR and TV for every room in the house, and one or two video game
\nrooms.\tIf you think it will lengthen the attention span of your guests, you
\ncan get live entertainment. Female and male strippers would do nicely. Or, if
\nyou really want some raunchy material, get some female mud wrestlers. Also,
\nget at least five copies of every rock song and X-rated movie available. A
\nfavorite thing to get is a swimming pool full of Jello. It provides for hours
\nof good, wholesome fun.<\/p>\n
The next thing to be gotten is food and drink to last for at least a year or
\ntwo. Try to get foods with either high sodium, high sugar, and\/or high grease
\ncontent. Good examples are potato chips, pretzels, cake, ice-cream, candy,
\nanything from McDonald’s or Wendy’s, or any organic material from a nearby
\nhigh-school cafeteria.<\/p>\n
As far as drinks are concerned, try and avoid alcoholic beverages unless you
\nhave a reliable bus service. Any type of accident can easily bring any party,
\nPerpetual or not, to an end. Good drinks to get are beer, vodka, tequila,
\nscotch, bourbon, rum, soda, etc. To complement the food and drinks, get the
\nfollowing medicines: Ex-Lax, Pepto Bismol, Alka Seltzer, any type of generic
\naspirin except Tylenol, and easy access to a toilet.<\/p>\n
After all the above is achieved, the time to start the party has begun. In
\norder to get a good turnout for the first few weeks, you must advertise.
\nAdvertisements in local newspapers are not enough, you must advertise in
\nmagazines and other national periodicals that will not object to your ad. One
\nway to really bring ’em in is to advertise on TV and radio. This is where an
\nad agency can come in handy.<\/p>\n
Eventually, people will not take your ads as jokes and come to your place of
\nsocial immoralities. Now, here is where you must begin to plan ahead.\tSince
\nyou have started a Perpetual Party, you must make sure it remains per- petual.
\nIn order to do this, you must get contracts of indefinite termination with
\ncertain companies. It is important to get a hold of a good and reliable
\ncatering service. Keeping in touch with three or four local liquor shops is
\nnecessary. See if you can get flat rate service from the phone company, and
\nbuy stock in the electric company. With the bills you’ll be running up, it
\nwill pay off.<\/p>\n
By now, your vast riches have dwindled to almost nothing. Since this is a
\nbusiness, you need capital, so charge your guests admission fees. Don’t make
\nthe prices too high or people will not want to come. But don’t be too generous
\nor you’ll be broke in no time. If you can’t bear to charge admission in money,
\nat least charge it in food and\/or drink. That way you’ll at least save on the
\ncaterer. Try to throw fees around as much as you can without making it look
\nsuspicious. One way to get money rolling in is to open up a small casino. Get
\na license for it. As mentioned earlier, you want to avoid trouble.<\/p>\n
Eventually, unless you had a very strange accident or are a mad scientist, you
\nwill die. And if you make no plans for this, your party will certainly die
\nout. So, during the many years of partying, find one person who fits you the
\nbest and get married and have kids. When you near your end, leave the entire
\nparty, all profits, and all responsibilities to the kid who is the more extreme
\nparty animal. Be sure to leave explicit instructions on how to run the party.
\nThis document is perfect. If all goes well, things will continue under good
\nhands.<\/p>\n
So far, these are the necessary steps needed to create the Perpetual Party. If
\nanything has been omitted, (which is probably true) go ahead and augment this
\ndocument. It’s your party anyway.<\/p>\n
