THE TRAGIC TALE OF OLD MacDONALD’S FARM<\/p>\n
A Personnel Saga
\n by A. Mouse, Non-E (1 ea.)
\n (as told to L. D. Manning)<\/p>\n
Once upon a time a Personnel Officer retired and, with the
\nUniversity’s moderate pension plan, bought a Farm and moved his Family (Wife,
\nhousehold duties preferred, and Daughter, in-progress Education preferred) to
\nthe country to taste rural life. Old MacDonald (for that was his name)
\npromptly bought livestock, labelled them appropriately according to their Job
\nDescriptions, and recorded them all in a notebook, listing Job Title, Job
\nDescription, Estimated Annual Salary (Base, Full-time rate, nearest whole
\ndollar amount), and preferred Job Qualifications.<\/p>\n
In addition, Old MacDonald planted crops, all appropriately labelled, (Celery,
\ngreen, average stalk length 12″, annual), and settled down to enjoy his
\nretirement.<\/p>\n
One day a young man visited the Farm and introduced himself as the County Agent
\n(Agent, Agricultural products, governmental). Old MacDonald gladly showed the
\nyoung man around the Farm, displaying his handiwork. “This is my Annual
\nCelery,” he proudly announced, as they approached the garden.<\/p>\n
“Annual Celery?” the young man muttered.<\/p>\n
“Yes, and this is my Bovine Animal; four-legged, tan-and-white spotted,
\npreferred.”<\/p>\n
“But that’s a Guernsey milk cow!” The young man obviously seemed distressed
\nabout something, but Old MacDonald couldn’t understand what it could be.<\/p>\n
“And this is my Cow; large size, hump and brown color preferred.”<\/p>\n
The young man had turned a peculiar color, but all he said was, “A Brahma bull!
\nI wonder how he got the sign around his neck.”<\/p>\n
The young man also seemed peculiarly distressed upon seeing that the Rooster
\nwas penned alone, with his beak taped shut, even after Old MacDonald explained
\nthat he had had to resort to these measures because the Rooster had been
\nputting in unauthorized overtime in the hen house, and crowing at dawn. He
\nsimply WOULD NOT keep the required 8 to 5 hours (lunch from 12 noon to 1 pm
\nonly).<\/p>\n
The tour of the farm was soon over. Old MacDonald did not understand the young
\nman’s attitude. His records were immaculate. Every animal exactly fit its Job
\nDescription, and each one was correctly Titled and Labelled with a neat sign
\nhung around its neck.<\/p>\n
Soon afterwards, Old MacDonald decided that now that the Farm records were in
\norder, he should do the same to the personnel in his household. He, of course,
\nwas Personnel Officer. His wife, however, had been doing many different chores
\nwhich were not in her Job Description. This, of course, would NOT DO. He
\npromptly notified her that she would henceforth be Procurement Officer and
\nwould be in charge of buying and selling all items on the farm. Since his Wife
\nwas not thrilled at the added duties in her already busy schedule, Old
\nMacDonald promised that she could keep all monies made on butter and eggs.<\/p>\n
That very afternoon a young man came to the farm asking to buy a milk cow. He
\nhad talked to the County Agent and had learned that Old MacDonald had one. His
\nwife had just had twin girls and they needed the milk badly. Old MacDonald
\nassured him that he had no Milk Cow. He had a Cow, a Bovine Animal, and a
\nCalf, but no Milk Cow. This young man turned a peculiar color also. (What
\nwere young men coming to these days?) “But that IS a milk cow!” The young man
\npointed to the Bovine Animal.<\/p>\n
“Oh, no. That is a Bovine Animal. The fact that she gives milk is immaterial.
\nShe was hired as a Bovine Animal. She has had no Experience at being a Milk
\nCow.”<\/p>\n
“Well, I’ll buy her anyway. I need the milk. How much do you want for her?”<\/p>\n
“Oh, I couldn’t let this poor creature apply for the Job Title of Milk Cow. As
\nI have said, she has had not Experience in the field. She could, of course, be
\nReclassified, but that will take some time.”<\/p>\n
“What do I have to do to have her reclassified?” The young man was not taking
\nthis at all well. He looked ill.<\/p>\n
“Well, you would have to submit a request in quintuplicate to the Personnel
\nOfficer (that’s me), then fill out a questionnaire listing (1) why the current
\nJob Title does not currently suit the duties of the Job Holder, (2) why the
\nneeds of the Employer have changed with respect to the said Job Title, (3) why
\nthis Job Holder was not hired at the new Job Title in the original request when
\ns\/he was originally hired, and (4) what qualifications and\/or Experience
\nqualify this candidate for the new Job Title. Then I will, of course, review
\nyour case, and objectively come to a decision. I am, of course, an Equal
\nOpportunity Employer, and belong to EIEIO — the Equality In Employment for
\nInterstate Opportunities Commission.”<\/p>\n
“How long will that take?”<\/p>\n
“Oh, about three weeks. Of course, I am rather busy right now — harvest time
\ncoming up and all (all those new plants to Title and Label!) — so it could
\ntake longer than that.”<\/p>\n
The young man gave up and bought a milk cow (generic, no Job Title) from Farmer
\nJones next door.<\/p>\n
That evening, Old MacDonald happily returned home to the Procurement Officer
\nand his Daughter, secure in the knowledge that all of his Farmyard Staff and
\nhis Family were appropriately Titled and Labelled. He was somewhat surprised
\nto note upon his return, however, that the house was a mess and there was no
\ndinner waiting for him when he arrived.<\/p>\n
“Wife,” he complained. “Why are you not performing your Wifely duties? I am
\nhungry, and for the first time in 32 years, this house is a mess. What is wrong
\nwith you? Are you ill?”<\/p>\n
“I see that you are looking in my direction when you ask these questions, but I
\nam the Procurement Officer, not a Wife,” replied his (former) Wife. “My Job
\nDescription does not include household duties.”<\/p>\n
“Hmmm. That is true.” Old MacDonald had not planned on this problem. “Well, I
\nwill simply give you back your old Title as well.”<\/p>\n
“Oh, no.” The Procurement Officer was adamant. “Only one Job Title per
\nemployee.”<\/p>\n
Yes, of course. How could he have forgotten after so many years?<\/p>\n
“Well, then, I will give you back your old Title and do the Purchasing and
\nVouchering myself.”<\/p>\n
“Oh, no. I make more money as a Procurement Officer than I did as a Wife.
\nThat would be a Demotion (A Very Serious Matter). Besides, I am not allowed to
\nchange Job Titles within the Farm for six months after I have once changed Job
\nTitles. No. I am Procurement Officer, and that is that.”<\/p>\n
Old MacDonald couldn’t argue with that logic, so he fixed himself an Old
\nMacDonald’s hamburger and went to bed.<\/p>\n
The next day Mr. Jones of the neighboring farm came by and asked to see the
\nPersonnel List. Old MacDonald was only happy to oblige, since all of his
\nrecords were open to the Public. Mr. Jones noted a “Bovine Animal,” a “Calf,” a
\n“Cow,” and a “Moo-Moo.” He then politely inquired as to which of the Job
\nTitles on the Personnel List had represented Positions which had actually been
\nfilled, and asked to see the Job Descriptions of those Jobs. When Old
\nMacDonald happily obliged, he asked to interview two of the individuals
\ninvolved, and, after a short while in the pasture, he requested that Old
\nMacDonald sell him the Bovine Animal, since, as he pointed out, he had need of
\njust such a Job Holder to inhabit one of his barns. Old MacDonald was pleased
\nto oblige and offered to deliver the animal to Farmer Jones’ Dairy Farm next
\ndoor that very afternoon.<\/p>\n
Everything was soon concluded satisfactorily. (The Bovine Animal was
\nespecially happy, since she had not been milked for several weeks, being, of
\ncourse, a Bovine Animal and not a Milk Cow.)<\/p>\n
During his trip to the Dairy to deliver the Bovine Animal, Old MacDonald
\nnoticed that the Milk Cows at the Dairy were giving milk. Moreover, most of
\nthem had Calves. Old MacDonald calculated rapidly and decided to employ a Milk
\nCow on his own Farm. He asked Farmer Jones how much Annual Salary (Full-time,
\nBase Rate) a Milk Cow should earn.<\/p>\n
“Oh, my animals have no Job Titles,” replied Farmer Jones. “They are
\ncommodities. I could sell you one if you like. In fact, I could sell you this
\none that I just bought from you — at a small profit, of course.”<\/p>\n
Old MacDonald promptly went back to the Procurement Officer and requested that
\nshe buy the milk cow from Farmer Jones. The Procurement Officer gave him forms
\nto fill out. He obliged, but she still seemed to see difficulties in the
\ntransaction.<\/p>\n
“You cannot sole source an item unless the vendor is the only source from which
\nthe equivalent item can be bought. You then need a letter explaining (1) why
\nthis vendor is the only source for this needed item, and (2) why the
\nspecifications of the said item are necessary for your farm work.”<\/p>\n
“But I bought grain last week from The Speedy Seed Company, using a sole source
\nPurchase Order, and you did not say anything then.”<\/p>\n
“That was a Chemical, food additive. You already had a letter on file for this
\ntype of purchase.”<\/p>\n
“Besides, this is only $250.00. Couldn’t we make an exception for just one
\npenny?”<\/p>\n
“No exceptions.”<\/p>\n
Old MacDonald didn’t see how he could justify the specifications of a cow to be
\nbought as “sole source” under these rules, so he asked how else he might be
\nable to purchase the item.<\/p>\n
“You must get three bids,” the Procurement Officer said.<\/p>\n
So Old MacDonald called three farms and got three bids on a milk cow. Mr.
\nSmith’s cow was two dollars cheaper. The Procurement Officer informed Old
\nMacDonald that he would have to buy the cheaper product. It was a Farm Law.<\/p>\n
“But I want a Guernsey cow, because they give richer milk,” said Old MacDonald.<\/p>\n
“You cannot purchase solely on the basis of Brand Names,” returned the
\nProcurement Officer. “You must get three bids, based on Qualifications of
\nEquivalent Items; as, for example, size, equipment, and function.”<\/p>\n
So Old MacDonald got three more bids. This time he specified “Cow, medium
\nsize, having one udder with at least four faucet-like devices hanging from it.”
\nThis seemed to satisfy the Procurement Officer, since neither of the other two
\nfarms he called had that exact type of item, and each one put in a “No Bid.”<\/p>\n
Soon, however, the Procurement Officer called Old MacDonald back and declared,
\n“We cannot buy this item from Farmer Jones. ‘Cows, medium size, having one
\nudder with at least four faucet-like devices hanging from it’ are on Farm
\nContract with Farmer Smith. You will have to buy one of his.”<\/p>\n
“But his are Herefords and nearly eight years old! And two of them limp!” Old
\nMacDonald was beginning to shout.<\/p>\n
“Well, you cannot specify according to age, race, sex, color, or handicapped
\ncondition. (We are members of the Equality In Expenses for Investment
\nOpportunities Division of the Equality In Expenditures for Interstate
\nOpportunities Commission — the EIEIO, EIEIO — you know, and cannot
\ndiscriminate well.) If you want to buy a different type of animal, you should
\nhave used the correct specification in your Order when you took bids.”<\/p>\n
Old MacDonald looked in the Farm Contract Book, wrote his specifications very
\ncarefully, took three more bids, and was finally successful.<\/p>\n
Since it had taken him three days to buy back the milk cow that had once been a
\nBovine Animal, Old MacDonald was anxious to get the animal as soon as possible.
\nHe offered to pick the animal up himself at Farmer Jones’ Dairy Farm that very
\nafternoon. When he got there, he realized that he had not put into the
\nPurchase Order a request for a halter, and since he could not lead the animal
\nback home without one, he asked Farmer Jones what to do. Farmer Jones
\nobligingly offered to sell him the halter that had come with the animal for
\nhalf of the original retail price if Old MacDonald would take the animal away
\nat that time and not bother Farmer Jones any more. Old MacDonald agreed and
\ntook the animal back to his Farm.<\/p>\n
When he notified the Procurement Officer about the sale, however, she refused
\nto repay the fee, since reimbursements are not allowed on Farm Accounts, and
\nsince he had not justified buying used equipment in advance. Old MacDonald
\ntold her that this was a Service of Milk Cow transportation, replacement part
\nfrom the Vendor who sold the Milk Cow, and she finally agreed to reimburse him
\nfrom her butter-and-egg money.<\/p>\n
It was shortly after this transaction that Old MacDonald decided he wasn’t cut
\nout for Farm Life. Too many Rules and Regulations, he decided. So he moved
\nhis Family (Wife and Daughter) back to the City (Urban area, heavily populated)
\nand became the Director of the Bureau for Bureaucratically Underprivileged
\nRurally-Educated Areas’ Urbanization (the Bureau of BUREAUs), and they lived
\nbureaucratically every after.<\/p>\n
UNFORTUNATELY PROBABLY NOT
\n THE END<\/p>\n
