How to be a lying ninja!<\/p>\n
Yet another sexy little text file brought to you by Rusty and The Italic
\nSquirrels. Written by Suid Lizard and Rhesus Monkey, edited by Captain Ross.<\/p>\n
This text file was written for entertainment purposes only. Just because
\nsomebody reads this text does not mean that they should try anything in it. This
\nfile does not, nor does it’s authors, advocate the telling of lies, or anything
\nlike that. Even though you shouldn’t try this, but you do anyway, it isn’t our
\nfault if you get busted. Maybe it was YOUR mistake that got you screwed. Maybe
\nthe simple facts of your lie screwed you up, maybe you’re just an idiot, maybe
\nthis whole text file is a load of bullshit. You just don’t know, so don’t try
\nthis until you’ve done some research in this sort of thing. Don’t do drugs.
\nDon’t break the law. Don’t wear dead elephants as hats. Don’t do anything you
\nwouldn’t want your grandmother to do. Don’t do anything.<\/p>\n
************************************************************************<\/p>\n
By reading further into this text you certify that you are not a law enforcement
\nofficer, an employee of the federal government, or an acquaintance of an
\nemployee of the federal government, or even an acquaintance of an acquaintance
\nof an employee of the federal government. You certify that you are not Suid
\nLizard or Captain Ross’s mom, or anyone else’s mom. You certify that you are not
\nunder 18 years of age. You certify that you are not over 18 years of age. You
\ncertify that you are not 18 years of age. If any or all of the above statements
\ndoes not apply to you, then do not read further into this file, delete it if it
\nhappens to be on your hard or floppy disks, and leave whatever site or BBS or
\nwhatever it is you downloaded it from.<\/p>\n
************************************************************************<\/p>\n
Well, now that I’ve excluded about 99.9% of the population, all that should be
\nleft are super intelligent cyborgs from the future, spider monkeys, and contract
\nviolators who have let go of all their rights concerning this file.<\/p>\n
So you wanna learn to lie, eh? Well, before you can learn that you have to learn
\nto spot a liar, which is easier than you think. Certain behaviors, things you
\ndon’t mean to do, give away liars. These can be movements, or biological
\nsignals. Mainly, I’m gonna deal with the physical gestures and such, things that
\nyou don’t have to be hooked up to a machine to detect.<\/p>\n
Liars, especially when caught off guard, don’t have real memories to refer to,
\nand have to rely on their imaginations to fall back on. Without actual
\nexperience dictating the story, it becomes almost impossible to keep track of
\nall the details that may be said. That’s why in an interrogation a detective (or
\nwhoever) will ask the same questions again and again, in hopes of finding a slip
\nup. They may ask about details, things like “what color was her shirt?” in hopes
\nthat the suspect’s story won’t be consistent. The specifics of a story may be
\nvague when it is first told, which is a fairly reliable indicator of the truth.<\/p>\n
So what can a liar do to avoid these pitfalls? Simply use real memories as a
\nreference. If you say you were meeting some friends, then think of a past
\noccasion when you met with friends. Now, when your asked the color of her shirt,
\nit will be white (or whatever) every time, because that’s what you remember it
\nas being.<\/p>\n
Another problem is witnesses. A liar may try to get his story straight with all
\nof the people present, but that’s bound to fail. Say you went Somehood (mystery
\ncity) last night, to go meet some chicks at the deli and get laid. Only trouble
\nis, your grounded that week. Your mom asks you where you went! Quick, what do
\nyou say? The secret is to make as little of your story a lie as possible. Tell
\nher that you were at the deli in Somehood, studying with Jacob (or whoever was
\nthere). Now, if your mom calls your friends and questions them, your story might
\njust fly, as long as the part about getting laid doesn’t come up ;).<\/p>\n
But it isn’t just your story that gives you away. It might also be you. The way
\nyou hold yourself, the way you speak, the way you move, they all hold clues as
\nto how honest you are. Luckily, if you know what’s what, you can avoid making
\nsuch tell-tale mistakes.<\/p>\n
See, when you lie, even if your a comfortable liar, you get a little nervous (or
\na lot). And when your nervous, you brain makes a little adrenaline, which
\nbasically screws you over. Ever notice how when you lie, your face gets a little
\nitchy? You feel a tick here and there? Yep, that’s adrenaline, pal. Do you ever
\nget a little fidgety, wanting to keep your hands busy? Adrenaline, baby. Your
\nmouth feels dry, you breathe more deeply, you can’t relax your body? adrenaline,
\nadrenaline, adrenaline! So what can you do about this wondrous chemical? Nothing
\nreally, my friend, just ignore it. When your face feels itchy, don’t scratch.
\nBreathe shallow as usual, don’t swallow too much, and if your nervous, slouch as
\nbest you can and put your arms somewhere comfortable and leave them there.<\/p>\n
Body language, something we learn early in life, can also give you away. When
\npeople lie or bull shit in some other way, they have a tendency to cover their
\nmouth, like they don’t really believe what they say. When your a little kid it’s
\nvery obvious, but as we grow older it becomes more and more subtle. You may
\ntouch your nose, your cheek, or your mouth. Talk to someone in a casual sort of
\nway, so that they won’t feel the need to lie. Are they covering their mouth in
\nany way? Of course not! If you know what to look for this gesture can be very
\nobvious.<\/p>\n
It’s been said that the eyes are the window to the soul. This little diddly is
\ntruer than you know, because you can learn a lot from what a fellow’s eyes are
\ndoing. For instance, where a person glances around while talking, it often
\nindicates what part of his brain he’s using. These directions vary from person
\nto person, but they are almost always there. There are sections for audio,
\nvisual, olfactory (smell), tactile (touch), and taste. There are also directions
\nfor calling on two types of reasoning (left and right side) and one for
\nIMAGINATION. this is the one we’re concerned with. When you have to come up with
\na story, what do you have to do? you have to imagine it, dumbass! For most
\npeople, they look up and to the left when they call on their imagination, and
\nsince they’ve been doing it for as long as they’ve been making shit up, they’ve
\ngetten into the habit. When you lie, try to look pretty much straight forward,
\nglancing down naturally and occasionally.<\/p>\n
Also, maintain eye contact. Have you ever heard “look me in the eye?” well
\nthat’s what they’re talking about. Try not to maintain eye contact freakishly
\nlong, because this is unnatural and suspicious looking.<\/p>\n
When you lie, you have to make up a story, and hence your brain might need a
\nsecond to think. We subconsciously try to hide this, but nobody is ever fooled.
\nHere’s an example.<\/p>\n
Mom:”Jimmy, have you been masturbating on the roof again?”
\nJimmy:”Masturbating? Of course not, mom!”<\/p>\n
Do you know what Jimmy has done wrong? He repeated the beginning of the
\nquestion. That’s like saying “um. . .”, only your brain thinks it’s slick for
\nhiding it. When you get asked a question, the answer should come like *boom*, in
\njust a second.<\/p>\n
Mom:”Jimmy, have you been giving the dog blow jobs again?”
\nJimmy:”Eew, mom, no way! I could get diseases like that!”<\/p>\n
Do you know what Jimmy did wrong this time? True, he did answer right off, but
\nhe spent too much time answering. It sounds like he’s trying to convince himself
\nand his mom, doesn’t it? Answer immediately and keep it short. This one’s a
\nlittle more subtle, and most people won’t pick up on it, but better safe.<\/p>\n
Well, that’s all the things you can control, but what about the things you
\ncan’t? Remember our little discussion about adrenaline? Well, here’s a little
\nmore. Adrenaline increases your body temperature, your heartrate, your blood
\npressure, and your breathing rate. These are the signals that those fancy
\nmachines keep track of, and they’re very hard to control. (by the way. As of
\n1999 polygraphs aren’t admissible in court, so don’t sweat them too much.)
\nEither you must be incredibly disciplined and control your body completely, or
\nyou must believe that you are being truthful. My uncle was in Vietnam, and it
\nwas a very hard experience. When he got home, due to all the controversy
\nsurrounding the war, nobody wanted to talk to him. He spent so much time keeping
\nit to himself, not thinking about it, and denying it that he actually came to
\nbelieve for a short while that he was never in the war. Apparently this is not
\nthat uncommon. Thing is, if he was given a polygraph test at that time, and
\nasked if he was in the war he could have said no and passed it. While we can’t
\nalways recreate this sort of trauma at home, we can at least come close. So, if
\nyou steal the hope diamond from a museum, don’t tell your friends, don’t tell
\nyour family, and don’t tell yourself what happened. If you push it back far
\nenough it’ll all disappear. Try it with that 2.14 GPA you got last semester, and
\nsee how it works.<\/p>\n
That’s all for now. Thanks for your time — *Suid Lizard*<\/p>\n
That’s it. If you wanna mail Suid, it’s suid_lizard@yahoo.com<\/p>\n
If anyone contributed this text to a search engine, search for the following
\nstring to see if there are more of my files for you to find.
\n“rhese589ndeeboiyzz6547fneerjabbler”<\/p>\n
