A QUICK LESSON IN DO-IT-YOURSELF EMBALMING<\/p>\n
FROM ‘THE BATHROOM ALMANAC’ BY GUS MCLEAVY (FREDERICK FELL PUBLISHERS, INC.)<\/p>\n
TYPED IN 80 COLUMNS BY BIG BAD BARBARIAN (PARDON MY BAD TASTE.)<\/p>\n
TO BEGIN, YOU’LL NEED THREE TO SIX GALLONS OF EMBALMING FLUID. IF YOU
\nCAN’T FIND A BRAND NAME FLUID YOU CAN MIX YOUR OWN, USING DYED AND PERFUMED
\nFORMALDEHYDES, GLYCERINE, BORAX, PHENOL, ALCOHOL, AND WATER. THE PROPORTIONS
\nAREN’T TOO IMPORTANT TO THE FINISHED PRODUCT, AS DR. JESSE CARR WILL EXPLAIN
\nLATER.<\/p>\n
FIRST OF ALL, THE MOUTH MUST BE SEWN TOGETHER AT THE INSIDE OF THE LIPS.
\n(THE NEEDLE IS BROUGHT OUT THROUGH THE NOSTRIL, USUALLY THE LEFT ONE.) THEN
\nYOU TAKE A TROCAR, A LONG HOLLOW NEEDLE ATTACHED TO A TUBE. DRAIN THE CONTENTS
\nOF THE ABDOMINAL AND CHEST CAVITIES, AND REPLACE THE REMOVED MATTER WITH CAVITY
\nFLUID. PUMP OUT THE CIRCULATORY SYSTEM, REPLACE THE BLOOD AND PLASMA WITH THE
\nENBALMING SOLUTION, AND THAT’S ABOUT IT. IN EIGHT TO TEN HOURS THE TISSUES WILL
\nBE FIRM AND DRY, AND READY FOR ‘COSMETIC RESTORATION.’<\/p>\n
CAREFUL, THOUGH! REGULAR ENBALMING FLUID WORKS DIFFERENTLY ON VARIOUS
\nBODIES ACCORDING TO THE CAUSE OF DEATH. WHILE IT WILL GIVE A PLEASANT PINK GLOW
\nTO THE FLESH OF A VICTIM OF CARBON MONOXIDE POISONING, WHEN IT IS USED ON
\nSOMEONE WHO DIED OF JAUNDICE IT IMPARTS A GREEN TINGE THAT REQUIRES A LOT OF
\nMAKE-UP TO CONCEAL.<\/p>\n
ALTHOUGH IT IS WIDELY BELIEVED TO PRESERVE A BURIED BODY, EMBALMING IN
\nFACT DOES NO SUCH THING. IF IT HAS ANY WORTHWHILE PURPOSE AT ALL, IT IS TO MAKE
\nTHE OPEN CASKET FUNERAL MORE PALATABLE. DR. JESSE CARR IS NO FRIEND OF THE
\nMORTUARY INDUSTRY, BUT HE IS A FORMER CHIEF OF PATHOLOGY AT SAN FRANCISCO
\nGENERAL HOSPITAL AND PROFESSOR OF PATHOLOGY AT THE UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA
\nMEDICAL SCHOOL, AND HERE’S WHAT HE HAS TO SAY ABOUT IT:<\/p>\n
AN EXHUMED BODY IS A REPUGNANT, MOLDY, FOUL-LOOKING OBJECT. IT’S NOT
\n THE IMAGE OF ONE WHO HAS BEEN LOVED . . . THE BODY ITSELF MAY BE
\n INTACT, AS FAR AS CONTOURS AND SO ON; BUT THE SILK LINING OF THE
\n CASKET IS ALL STAINED WITH BODY FLUIDS, THE WOOD IS ROTTING, AND THE
\n BODY IS COVERED WITH MOLD . . . IF YOU SEAL UP A CASKET SO IT IS
\n MORE OR LESS AIRTIGHT, YOU SEAL IN THE ANAEROBIC BACTERIA – THE KIND
\n THAT THRIVE IN AN AIRLESS ATMOSPHERE, YOU SEE. THESE ARE THE
\n PUTREFACTIVE BACTERIA, AND THE RESULTS OF THEIR GROWTH ARE PRETTY
\n HORRIBLE . . . YOU’RE BETTER OFF WITH A SHROUD, AND NO CASKET AT
\n ALL.<\/p>\n
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