How To Be A Couch Potato In The Nineties
\nby Francis U. Kaltenbaugh<\/p>\n
Do you want to be with the technically-correct in-crowd, who have
\nalready prepared for television in the nineties? You better hurry to
\nobtain a few needed essentials. Your old television, operating in
\nthe background, even with its stereo speakers, single remote
\ncontrolling your vcr, cable box, and TV, is passe. There is a new
\nage dawning in the art of television watching; it is — Interactive
\nViewing. You too can be a part of this new Couch Potato mentality by
\nfollowing a few simple rules. Do not get left behind! Follow the
\nsimple suggestions that follow: <\/p>\n
o You must purchase a 35-inch screen television (bare minimum);
\nbigger is better here. Or your neighbors will tease you, “Nah-na!
\nMine is bigger than yours.” You need: quad stereo speakers, split-
\nscreen(s), built-in voice activated VCR programing, self-timers, a
\nminimum of 300 cable ready channels and the largest screen your
\nwallet can handle. Then, with the addition of a CD-ROM, you are
\nready to interact properly with your computer aided TV. <\/p>\n
o Purchase a fully automated satellite dish that includes the
\nproverbial black-box, which unscrambles virtually all channels. This
\nwill dissuade those channel hoppers, who always lay hands on the
\nremote before you do. Since they will have to browse about 300
\nchannels, after their first time through, they will realize — three
\nhours later — they missed the show they intended to watch before the
\ncommercials started.<\/p>\n
o Have someone install the above. You must realize your time is
\ntoo precious to waste on menial labor tasks, when instead, you could
\nbe watching\/interacting with your TV.<\/p>\n
o Test your couch; is it large enough to serve as a bed, and
\ndining room table, while still allowing room for you, and selected
\nfriends and family to lounge comfortably? If not, replace it
\nimmediately. You must be comfortable to interact well. <\/p>\n
o Stock your refrigerator, freezer, and pantries with easy to
\nprepare (microwave) and ready-to-eat foods and snacks. The closer
\nyour snacks are to the TV\/CD-ROM, the more quickly you will be able
\nto interact with your system.<\/p>\n
o If you don’t have someone to serve you, it may be a good idea
\nto make arrangements for this contingency. Or be adventurous, do it
\nyourself, but also get a monitor for the kitchen. It’s always best to
\ncarry your remote with you wherever you go. Don’t settle for those
\npuny laser-light activated remotes (line-of-sight only), get one that
\nwill penetrate walls. Always be in charge during your interactions.
\n Just because you are in the third floor bathroom, that’s no
\nreason why you shouldn’t be able to continue interacting with that
\nSoap Opera in the downstairs living room — simply crank up the
\nvolume to a comfortable sound level for yourself. Besides, while
\nyou’re gone you don’t want someone channel surfing in your absence.<\/p>\n
o After all the above steps are completed, get fired from your
\njob, draw unemployment and food stamps. Then grab snacks and drinks,
\nsit down and RELAX! Enjoy your remote controlled interactive
\nenvironment. You can really interact now, much like you used to
\nwhen working, only differently.<\/p>\n
Spare no expense and be a part of the new breed of Couch Potato, or
\n“THEY” will pass you by. Or you could really get RADICAL and read
\nElectronic Books and Magazines — I hear it’s the rage among all the
\nNerds.
\n—————————————————————-
\nFrancis U. Kaltenbaugh is a 40 something computer enthusiast, who
\nenjoys video stimulations. Two children keep things interesting, one
\nan 18 year-old Marine, and a ten year-old girl, whose only response
\nis, “Why?” Francis, who has two books in progress and articles out
\neverywhere, feels fiction is a mainstay of life — for everyone.
\n———————————————————————
\nSound Byte:<\/p>\n
God is Dead. – Nietzsche<\/p>\n
Nietzsche is Dead. – God<\/p>\n
