How To Get Into College
\n by
\nIan Osmond (AKA Xiphias Gladius, Esq.)<\/p>\n
Getting into college these days is a competitive business.
\nLuckily, you’re competing against people who have no clue
\nwhat they are doing. Unluckily, neither do you. So, with
\nthe clue or two you may glean from this manuscript, you will
\nbe ahead of the game.<\/p>\n
Colleges look at the following five things, which will
\nbe dealt with in this paper in order of importance:
\n A. Transcript
\n B. SAT\/ACT scores
\n C. Teacher recommendations
\n D. Essays
\n E. Resume – a list of all the stuff you’ve done besides
\n school<\/p>\n
Section 1 – Transcript<\/p>\n
For those of you who don’t recognize the term, this is
\nthe official copy of your grades in High School. “What?” you
\ncry? ” thought those were practice grades!” Never fear!
\nYour problem can be solved simply with a bobby pin, some
\nwhite-out and a ball-point pen!<\/p>\n
The locks on school file cabinets are rather pitiful.
\nFrankly, I’ve never successfully picked one, but I am a klutz
\nanyway, and need a professional lock-gun to pick my teeth.
\nNonetheless, once you have your official transcript in your
\nsweaty little hands, your work is nearly done.<\/p>\n
My High School makes it easy. Each year’s grade record
\nis printed on a separate standard oversize mailing label.
\nThe final GPA and class rank are printed on a standard normal
\nmailing label. The printing is done with a nine-pin dot-
\nmatrix printer on draft quality. A student from Arlington
\nHigh merely needs to procure five mailing labels, re-print
\nhis\/her transcript, with the grades s\/he INTENDED to get, re-
\ncalculate and print his\/her GPA, and put down a new,
\nreasonable, class rank.<\/p>\n
Section 2 – SAT\/ACT Scores<\/p>\n
The Scholastic Aptitude Test and the American College
\nTest are the two standard tests requested by colleges. YOU
\nNEED TAKE ONLY ONE OF THESE! Of the two, the ACT provides
\nthe more accurate indicator of probable performance in
\ncollege, as it tests reading, math, deductive reasoning, and
\nscience ability. NOBODY in the Northeast takes the ACT.<\/p>\n
A really good score on the SAT is about 1100 – 1200, and
\nthere are three ways to do this. The first, and most highly
\nrecommended, is to be a genius. Failing that, take a lot of
\nexpensive SAT preparatory courses. The third method requires
\nsome work.<\/p>\n
First, practice your guidance counselor’s signature.
\nSecond, steal one piece of his\/her stationery. Sign up to
\ntake the SAT somewhere other than your school. Bribe a local
\ngenius to take the test for you. Type a description of the
\ngenius on the stationary, saying that the person of that
\ndescription is you, and sign it WITH THE GUIDANCE COUNSELOR’S
\nNAME. This method has several advantages. You get a better
\nscore on the SAT, the genius gets extra pocket money and a
\nchance to practice taking the test, and, you don’t have to
\nwake up early on a Saturday.<\/p>\n
Section 3 – Teacher Recommendations<\/p>\n
If no teacher really likes you a lot, try bribery, or
\nblackmail if you are getting short of cash.<\/p>\n
Section 4 – Essays<\/p>\n
Another cash-intensive area, there is much precedent for
\nbribery here, too. Again, if you can’t, merely pay someone
\nwho can. After all, when you get right down to it, isn’t
\nthat the basis of our economic system? Really, that’s the
\nfoundation of Western Civilization, so how could it be wrong?<\/p>\n
Section 5 – Your Resume<\/p>\n
This section is weighted the least of the five major
\nareas, which is unfortunate, because, with a little work,
\nyour resume can be spectacular! It is worth your while to
\nturn in an outstanding resume, not only to get into college,
\nbut also as practice for later life, in the business world.<\/p>\n
The major rule in college resume writing is: there is
\nnothing too insignificant, pointless, pitiful, or stupid to
\nput on a resume. Hey, let’s face it, colleges are pretty
\nmuch looking for length. I’d like to give you a few examples
\nof things you could put on a college resume, with real-world
\ntranslations.<\/p>\n
College Translation \/ Comments
\nI led an improvisational performance I was the class
\ntroupe that staged impromptu routines clown.
\nfor the amusement of my classmates
\nat periodic points during the year.<\/p>\n
A home-course in hostile negotiations I fought with my
\ngave me the skills necessary to enter parents.
\ninto contract in today’s competitive
\nbusiness world.
\nIndependent research into the effects Oh, c’mon – you can
\nof certain chemical substances on the figure this one
\nhuman neurosystem. out!<\/p>\n
Studied the trade of locksmithing Hey, I really know
\nin order to learn a trade and become a someone who did
\nmore-rounded individual this!<\/p>\n
Utilizing hard-to-come-by periodicals, I collect rare
\nI increased my appreciation of art- Swedish porn mags.
\nphotography, and of the human form<\/p>\n
Independent research into computer Well, I was
\nsecurity systems and cryptoanalysis, arrested, but
\nspecifically as it pertains to the the judge really
\nInternet, and to the UNIX operating liked me!
\nsystem, gave me an opportunity to meet
\ncontacts who may be important in later
\nlife.<\/p>\n
My leadership position in a local Our gang managed to
\nyouth group taught me responsibility, increase its turf
\nloyalty, and trust. I was able to lead six blocks last
\nour organization through a period of month.
\ngrowth and expansion.<\/p>\n
As you can see, there is nothing which can’t be phrased
\nin a positive manner! A few pointers on how to phrase things:
\n 1. Stick in the phrase “independent research” a lot. You
\n can do well with these words.
\n 2. Keep a thesaurus handy. You don’t want to use the exact
\n same words too often.
\n 3. Colleges like stuff that shows leadership and maturity –
\n aim for that in how you phrase stuff.
\n 4. Don’t use profanity.
\n 5. Do use a spell-checker. Nothing is more embarrassing to
\n you and to the college than your claiming that you won a
\n “speling bee”.
\n 6. Get everything in BEFORE THE DEADLINE.<\/p>\n
I hope this paper has been useful to you, and good luck
\nto you as you go through the college application process.
\nRemember, many of the skills you will learn from this process
\nwill be useful in later life, too!<\/p>\n
><iphias Gladius, Esq.<\/p>\n
