Life Sucks II: The Rantings of a Madman<\/p>\n
By: Robert Seace (Agrajag\/AJ)<\/p>\n
Published by: Rlunatic\/J.hayden pro-ductions<\/p>\n
Yes, folks, this is the long awaited sequel to my first book: “Life
\nSucks: AJ’s Philosophies and Ramblings”. In that book, I outlined my basic
\nattitude towards life, and various aspects of it. In this book, I pick out
\na few of the things in life which I think are highest on the suckiness
\nscale, as well as my own unique (or, is the word I want “insane”?)
\nsolutions to make them somewhat less sucky. And, since I’m really just
\nmaking this stuff up on the fly, who knows what other strange stuff I’ll
\ncome up with…<\/p>\n
Death and Taxes
\n—————<\/p>\n
Yes, these are the only two things we can count on in life. And, of
\ncourse, they both suck. Death’s suckiness is rather obvious to most, and
\nis covered quite well in my first book. And, unfortunately, not even I can
\ncome up with a viable solution to this one. Aside from not actually
\nbeginning life in the first place, of course; but, that is rather difficult
\nfor one (or even TWO) to prevent happening to themselves…<\/p>\n
However, taxes are a new topic for me. Their suckiness, again, is
\nobvious to most. Though, believe it or not, SOME people actually think
\ntaxes are necessary, and actually SUPPORT them! But, that isn’t all that
\nsurprising, knowing that humans all suck, anyway, and are, on the whole, a
\nquite strange lot of beings… But, it seems to me to be a VERY sucky
\npractice for the government to take a large chunk of our hard-earned money
\naway from us. They want us all to work hard, so that we don’t have to go
\non welfare or something, and take THEIR money, but when we do, they come in
\nand take OUR money. The greedy little bastards… I say let the
\ngovernment earn its money like all other charities and such: with Bingo
\ngames, rummage sales, food drives, bake sales, raffles, and other similar
\nthings. They already have control over one of the most profitable
\nindustries in the country: the sale of alcohol. (Yes, I know that is the
\nSTATE government, but government is government, as far as I’m concerned.)
\nPlus, they also already run some of the only legal gambling in some states:
\nlotteries. So, they shouldn’t really be stealing OUR hard-earned money,
\ntoo. If the money they make on the above-mentioned enterprises is not
\nenough for their needs, they can always invest it in the stock market or
\nsomething. Of course, if the idiots stopped buying $100 hammers and
\nspending millions researching such ‘important’ things as the consistency of
\ncatsup, they might save enough so that they wouldn’t NEED our money…<\/p>\n
I wouldn’t be complaining so much if the tax system were actually
\nfair, but it isn’t. As the great George Carlin once said: “The rich make a
\nLOT of money, and pay NONE of the taxes; the middle class makes a LITTLE
\nbit of money, and pays ALL of the taxes; and, the poor are just there to
\nscare the shit out the middle class, and keep them going to those jobs.”
\nAnd, unfortunately, this is all too true. If they HAVE to tax us, at least
\ntax fairly, and make the ones who can afford to pay the taxes actually be
\nthe ones paying them. I mean it isn’t going to be too much of an
\ninconvenience to a person with $400,000,000 to pay in say $200,000,000 in
\ntaxes (maybe they won’t be able to buy that fifth mansion this year). But,
\ninstead of doing that, they would rather take $8,000 from a person making
\n$40,000. It only takes simple logic and arithmetic to see that the latter
\nperson has SIGNIFICANTLY less money left over after taxes than the former
\nperson. I mean, what in hell do these people NEED with these hundreds of
\nmillions of dollars, anyway?? They can better afford to part with some
\nthan the latter person can… It all seems so obvious; and, I’m sure that
\nis precisely why our illustrious government hasn’t yet figured it out…<\/p>\n
Madonna and Michael Jackson
\n—————————<\/p>\n
I’ve yet to see worse examples of so-called singers than these two
\nannoying, tuneless, brainless idiots. Neither one of them should even be
\nallowed to sing in the shower, let alone distribute albums. And, the sad
\nand ironic part is that many people actually like them. Why? Who knows;
\nmy guess is mass stupidity, or at least tone deafness… There is nothing
\nworse than watching MTV or listening to the radio, and listening to a good
\ntune (which they do occasionally play on both MTV and some radio stations,
\nbelieve it or not), and then have a Madonna or Michael Jackson song come
\non. I really hate that. It’s almost as bad as having that stupid
\nEncyclopedia Britannica commercial come on… And, there is no real
\nsolution to this one either, unfortunately, until everyone comes to their
\nsenses and realizes that these two ‘singers’ suck (of course, I’m not
\nholding my breath while I wait for this to happen; after all, DISCO is
\nmaking a comeback, so I’ve pretty much lost ALL of my confidence in the
\nmusical tastes of most Americans). So, for now, my temporary solution is
\nto change the channel\/station, or just shut it off and put in a good tape,
\nlike the Beatles, or the Who, or Metallica, or Guns ‘n’ Roses, or Nirvana,
\nor any of the other great bands that ARE out there in this vast musical
\nwasteland…<\/p>\n
Environmentalists and Polluters
\n——————————-<\/p>\n
Yes, BOTH sides suck (of course, by just being humans, they suck; but,
\nI’m analyzing their POSITIONS here, not their humanity). Those that
\npollute the planet, and strip it of its resources for their own selfish
\nuses do indeed suck, as most people would agree. They are arrogant, self-
\nimportant little bastards, who think they and the rest of their species OWN
\nthis planet, and can do anything they like to it. If it makes them a
\nlittle richer or something, then they don’t care if it makes a few dozen
\nspecies extinct, or if it eventually results in the death of everyone on
\nthe planet…<\/p>\n
But, something most would NOT agree with me on is that most people who
\ncall themselves environmentalists suck, too… How can I say that, you
\nask? Very easily, I answer… Again, I draw from George Carlin’s words of
\nwisdom, and much of the following will be paraphrased from him. The
\nenvironmentalists don’t really care about the Earth; all they are concerned
\nwith is that they have a nice place to live. Such shallow self-concern
\ndoesn’t impress me. Even they think of the Earth as merely a place for us
\nhumans to live; they just want us to clean it up a bit so that we don’t
\nhave to live in filth (think of your mother telling you to clean your room;
\nshe doesn’t have you do that because she actually thinks the house would
\nprefer to be clean, she does it because she doesn’t want such filth in HER
\nhouse for HER children to live in). Typical human arrogance… Plus, what
\nmakes them think that we, one little insignificant biological species can
\ndestroy a whole planet?? The Earth has been around a whole hell of a lot
\nlonger than we have, and will be here long after we are gone. So, this
\n“Save the Earth” nonsense is pure crap. We can’t even take care of
\nourselves, and yet we expect to be able to save a whole damned PLANET?!?
\nJust think of the stuff the Earth has been through: ice ages, earthquakes,
\nvolcanos, magnetic pole reversal, bombardment by asteroids, constant
\nexposure to solar radiation, etc., etc… And, we think some styrofoam
\nfast food containers are going to destroy the planet?? No, the planet is
\ngoing nowhere; WE are… Just one more failed species. No big loss,
\neither.<\/p>\n
So, my solution is to be neither… Just respect the planet, out of
\npure respect, not out of any self-serving goals. Treat it how you’d like
\nto be treated if you were the planet. The Native Americans had a good
\nphilosophy in that respect. Recognize that we are NOT the only species
\n(or, even the most intelligent species, probably) on this planet. But, if
\nyou want to pollute and abuse the planet, fine, go ahead; you won’t do it
\nany harm, but rather will just hasten the end of our species, which I’m
\nsure will be a joyous occasion throughout the rest of the civilized
\nuniverse. I know I’m certainly looking forward to it, even though I
\nprobably won’t be around to witness it, unfortunately…<\/p>\n
Macintoshes and Pepsi Cola
\n————————–<\/p>\n
These are perhaps the two vilest commercial products on the market.
\nI’m not sure who is responsible for making these things so popular, but I’d
\nbe willing to bet they are the same imbeciles responsible for the
\npopularity of Madonna and Michael Jackson… Macs are cheesy little
\nchild’s toys masquerading as computers, and Pepsi is over-sweetened camel
\npiss masquerading as a soda… And, while I can safely proclaim that the
\nApple company itself sucks, I can not say that about the makers of Pepsi,
\nsince their company also produces that marvelous, caffeine-packed product:
\nMt. Dew. So, I must conclude that either they just screwed up when they
\ncreated Pepsi Cola, and kept producing it merely because the idiot populace
\nactually liked the vile substance, OR they just got lucky when they made
\nMt. Dew… It’s hard to say which… And, while I love Coca Cola
\n(Classic), I must say that whoever was responsible for the creation of this
\nNew Coke, should be shot immediately. They take a wonderful soda, and try
\nto make it more like the carbonated camel piss called Pepsi. Why? What
\nwere they thinking? I say that they weren’t… But, fortunately, they
\ncame back to their senses and brought back the original formula, and called
\nit Coke Classic. Now, they can sell to both markets: those who actually
\nhave some sense of taste, and those who drink Pepsi-like liquids… As far
\nas solutions, this falls into the same category as the Madonna and Michael
\nJackson problem…<\/p>\n
Exercise Machinery
\n——————<\/p>\n
The StairMaster! The StepMaster! Treadmills! Stationary bicycles!
\nRowing machines! Cross-country skiing machines! Have we really all lost
\nour minds?? I mean, what in the HELL is the logic behind blowing hundreds
\nof dollars on a machine that simulates GOING UP AND DOWN STAIRS?!? Here’s
\na unique idea: why not just go climb a few flights of REAL stairs?? It’s a
\nhell of a lot cheaper, and as a bonus you actually GO somewhere, too…
\nThe same holds for all of the other above-mentioned machines: just go do
\nthe real thing! Geez, some people will buy anything… But, the absolute
\nWORST exercise ‘machine’ I saw advertised was a slick plastic mat which
\ncame with a pair of fluffy slippers which you put on and then used them to
\nslide around on the mat… Is it just me, or does this sound suspiciously
\nlike sliding on a freshly waxed floor in your socks? Why not just do THAT,
\nrather than send these money-hungry bastards $50 for this cheesy little mat
\nand slipper set?!? Why? Because, people are stupid… But, I never cease
\nto be amazed at their levels of stupidity… And, the only solution here
\nis for the populace buying these stupid machines to use their brains on
\noccasion. Then, they might actually go ride a REAL bike, or climb some
\nREAL stairs, instead of blowing hundreds of bucks on a machine to simulate
\nthat activity… But, again, I doubt that this will happen; humans are
\nstupid…<\/p>\n
Murderers, Rapists, Racists, and Idiots
\n—————————————<\/p>\n
\tI say that we should spend some money to make a life-supporting
\ncolony on Mars or maybe the moon, and then send all of the murderers (who
\nUNJUSTLY murdered, of course), rapists, racists, and plain old idiots (hey,
\nnow that I think about it, this would solve the Madonna\/Michael Jackson
\nand Pepsi\/Macintosh problems, too!) to live there… Never would we have
\nto be bothered by these degenerate low-lifes, again… And, we wouldn’t
\nneed to spend money on gaurding them (where are you going to escape to from
\nanother planet??), or feeding them (let them grow their own food if they
\nwant to eat)… So, the only cost would be in sending them to the colony
\ninitially, and maybe maintaining the colony (repairs to the pressure system
\nor something once in a while; or, we could just let them learn how to do
\nthe repairs themselves, which is a better idea, actually), and of course
\nthe initial cost of creating the colony… But, that would still be quite
\na savings over what is spent now on keeping murderers and rapists locked up
\n(unfortunately, it is not yet a crime to be a racist or idiot)… Or, if
\nwe didn’t have enough to build such a colony, then we could just skip the
\n“life-supporting” part, and let the bastards worry about how to breathe
\non their own… Unfortunately, such a plan isn’t likely to actually be
\nimplemented, as our government is run by fools (amazingly stupid ones),
\nwho prefer to spend as much as possible for as little as possible, and
\nwould much rather put a criminal in jail where they can learn how to be
\na better criminal, than to actually punish them in some way…<\/p>\n
Lobsters
\n——–<\/p>\n
\tNo, I don’t think lobsters themselves suck… I think the process
\nof how they are cooked sucks… They boil the poor sons of bitches ALIVE
\nin a pot of water! Geez, could we find some crueler way of cooking these
\nanimals, perhaps? Maybe flame broil them alive? Or, hell, let’s just
\neat them raw and alive; rip those snapping claws right off, and bite in!
\nChrist, I knew humans were mean, lousy bastards, but this is cruel even
\nfor them… How would YOU like to be boiled alive?? I think that’s what
\nwe should do to people who do cook lobsters like that… Don’t get me
\nwrong; I have nothing against people killing animals to eat, but I just
\nthink we should be a hell of a lot more humane about it… At least kill
\nthe poor lobster before cooking it… Just think of the uproar there would
\nbe if we made our steaks by throwing a live calf on a fire… Sure, the
\nanimal-lovers would be upset about THAT, but apparently lobsters aren’t as
\nimportant to them as cows… After all, lobsters aren’t cute to look at,
\nand don’t make any sort of sound, or even any facial expressions, so why
\nfeel bad about killing them any way we want? Oh how I hate such self-serving
\nhuman attitudes… Of course, I know they’ll never change, and lobsters will
\nlikely continue to be boiled to death so people with money to blow can have
\na gourmet dinner…<\/p>\n
Conclusion
\n———-<\/p>\n
\tWell, I’ve ranted and rambled on enough for this book, I guess…
\nPlus, my account disappears in 2 days from now, so I want to get this
\ndistributed on the Net before I cease to be a Net-dweller…
\n\tSo, as you can see, there are many things in life which really
\nsuck… And, I know that my solutions would all work, if they were
\never implemented; but, I know they never will be… So, we are still
\nforced to live in life’s suckiness, until we die… (Maybe they should
\nput that on a Hallmark card…) The only way that we could ever possibly
\nget out of life’s suckiness is if we all smartened up and stopped acting
\nlike brainless, self-centered, moronic schmucks; in other words, stopped
\nbeing humans… But, since the chances of that happening are slightly
\nworse than the chances of the Eiffel Tower spontaneously transforming into
\na sewer rat, I’m not holding my breath while waiting for it to occur…
\n\tUntil my next book, have a non-overly-sucky life… And, always
\nremember that Life Sucks; so, quit your whining, shut up, and learn to deal…<\/p>\n
