Life Sucks: AJ’s Philosophies and Ramblings
\n\t ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
\n Author: Robert Alan Seace (Agrajag\/AJ)
\n Publisher: Rlunatic\/Jhayden Pro-ductions<\/p>\n
Introduction
\n^^^^^^^^^^^^<\/p>\n
\tLet me introduce my wonderful (and absolutely true) book
\nwith a wonderful (and absolutely true) poem, which sets the proper
\nmood.<\/p>\n
\t\tLife – by AJ (based on a theme by Hep\/Jhayden)
\n\t\t~~~~
\n\t\tLife sucks
\n\t\tSewer rats.
\n\t\tBig ones,
\n\t\tWet ones,
\n\t\tLithe ones,
\n\t\tGaudy ones.
\n\t\tLife sucks
\n\t\tSewer rats…<\/p>\n
\tThis poem brings up an important notion, and one of the
\nmajor foundations of my philosophy: sewer rats. What exactly are
\nsewer rats? What is their cosmic significance? And, why does life
\nchoose to suck them? These and other questions will be answered in
\nthe following chapter…<\/p>\n
Those Sucky Sewer Rats
\n^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^<\/p>\n
\tAs many of you may already know, the concept of the sewer rat
\nhaving some cosmic significance was first introduced by one of the
\ngreat thinkers (and co-publishers) of our time: Hepzibah, AKA: Julia
\nHayden. Upon hearing her thoughts and beliefs about the relationship
\nbetween life and sewer rats, I adopted them as part of my own philosophy.
\nThe rest of this chapter details my own interpretations of the original
\nSewer Rat Doctrines by Hep. For more information about her original
\nstatements, see the chapter entitled “Hepzibah’s Sewer Rat Doctrines”.<\/p>\n
\tI’m sure many of you are asking, “What exactly IS a sewer rat?”
\nIf you aren’t asking that, please do so now, before continuing. Well,
\na sewer rat, quite simply, is a disgustingly dirty rodent who inhabits
\nbasins of human waste. If you think about it, this is actually a very
\ndeep and meaningful metaphor for us. That’s right, US; human beings.
\n“How so?” you may ask. “That’s obvious, you moron,” I might answer.
\nWe are nothing more than disgustingly dirty rodents, ourselves, who are
\nforced to live on this chunk of rock we call the Earth. In this case,
\nit isn’t WHERE we live (the Earth) which is represented by the metaphorical
\nhuman waste, but rather the act of LIVING, itself. Essentialy, life is
\none big pile of shit. So, to say that “Life sucks sewer rats” is really
\na very complex and meaningful phrase. It is sort of a multiple-layered
\nmetaphor, which would take far more than this one book to examine in
\ncomplete detail. Suffice it to say that the general gist of what is
\nbeing said is that life is not a very fun experience…<\/p>\n
AJ’s Life Experiences and the UEF
\n^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^<\/p>\n
\tBy now, you are probably wondering why I have such a negative
\noutlook on life. If you aren’t wondering this, please do so now, before
\ncontinuing. The reason why I have this negative outlook on life is
\nactually rather simple: because life does indeed suck sewer rats. I
\nrealize this is a rather recursive argument, but I don’t care. Why do
\nI believe that life sucks sewer rats? Because, everything I have
\nexperienced in my 21 years of life has proved to me that this is so.
\nSure, there is the occasional bright spot every now and then, but life
\non the whole still remains as horrid as ever.<\/p>\n
\tUsually, after any Good Thing which happens in a person’s life,
\nsomething of a Magnitude of Badness at least double that of the Magnitude
\nof Goodness of the previous Good Thing will inevitably occur. I have
\nwitnessed this phenomenon countless times in my own and others lives. I
\nhave labelled this phenomenon the Unequal Equalizing Factor (UEF) of life.
\nI hypothesize that it is impossible for any human being to experience a
\ntotal lifetime Magnitude of Goodness greater than one-half (1\/2) of their
\ntotal lifetime Magnitude of Badness. In fact, I have never yet come across
\na person who has experienced even that much Goodness, but my experiments
\nlead me to the conclusion that such a Magnitude of Goodness is actually
\npossible under extremely lucky conditions. However, the chances of such
\nconditions occuring are very VERY small. The average human Magnitude of
\nGoodness is approximately one-millionth (1\/1000000) of their Magnitude of
\nBadness. The lowest recorded UEF ratio was my very own: one-quadrillionth
\n(1\/1000000000000000). So, this may explain why I’m writing this book…<\/p>\n
Love Sucks, Too
\n^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^<\/p>\n
\tAh, yes, love. That odd, mystical, indescribable state of being,
\nwhich can either be the most wonderful thing in one’s life, or the most
\nhorrible thing in their life. Since love is a part of life, then, by
\ndefault, it must suck, too. But, in fact, love actually has an SI (Sucking
\nIndex) which is much higher than any other aspect of life. Let’s examine
\nwhy this is so.<\/p>\n
\tWhile in a state of love, one is blinded to the Suckiness of life.
\nI have labelled this phenomenon LIBAL (Love Induced Blindness About Life).
\nThe cause of LIBAL is unknown, but it is suspected that love is actually
\na very powerful, telepathic drug, which numbs various parts of the brain,
\nincluding the areas responsible for noticing the Suckiness of life. As a
\nresult, the subject in love sees everything as wonderful and great. Of
\ncourse, if one is continually subjected to this love drug for long enough,
\nit’s affect will fade as the subject builds up a tolerence. And, just as
\nwith any other drug, if taken away suddenly, it causes drastic affects to
\nthe subject. Suddenly, the subject sees life clearly again, in it’s full
\nSuckiness. Often, subjects can’t handle this transition back to a love-free
\nmind, and either go insane, kill themselves, become Internet BBS’ers, or
\na combination of the above…<\/p>\n
\tI could go into a very long and detailed explanation and proof
\nof the above, using my own and others’ life experiences as evidence.
\nHowever, that would take up far too much time and space, and is a subject
\nworthy of it’s own book. (In fact, if this book is profitable for me, I
\nmay write a book about that very topic: “Love Sucks, Swallows, and Bites”.)<\/p>\n
School Sucks
\n^^^^^^^^^^^^<\/p>\n
\tWe all know this one to be true, and I’m sure I won’t get much
\ndispute. Whether you are in High School, College, or Grad School, the
\nuniversal fact remains that school sucks. You are forced to do tons of
\ninane homework, take pointless tests, and get little or no sleep. And,
\nall for what? A piece of parchment paper with your name on it, which
\nyou might get after several years of this torture, if you are lucky. Why
\ndo we put ourselves through this self-induced torture? Because we are
\ngreedy, and we want jobs where we can make lots of money when we finally
\ngraduate. Typical human nature…<\/p>\n
Humans Suck
\n^^^^^^^^^^^<\/p>\n
\tYes, human beings themselves suck. We are the proverbial Sewer
\nRats. We are useless, arrogant, ignorant, violent, and just generally
\nnot nice guys. If you don’t believe me (and, if you are like most humans,
\nyou don’t believe me), then just take a look at some of the things we
\nhumans have done: We have started wars over such stupid things as religion
\n(see chapter “Religion Sucks”). We have killed millions and billions of
\npeople for no apparent reason. We have destroyed our own planet, and
\nother life forms we share it with (which we automatically assume we are
\nbetter than, by the way). Etc… Perhaps this explains WHY exactly our
\nlives do suck: it is some sort of payback for our whole species being
\nsuch dicks…<\/p>\n
Religion Sucks
\n^^^^^^^^^^^^^^<\/p>\n
\tReligion. Those useless, time-wasting, archaic beliefs which
\npeople use to help them deal with life and death (see chapter “Death
\nSucks Even More”), since they just can’t handle the reality. They need
\nto believe that there is something wonderful waiting for them after they
\ndie. Otherwise, they just couldn’t deal with the fact that life sucks
\nas much as it does. They usually view life as some sort of trial they
\nhave to go through in order to make it to the Wonderful Afterlife…
\nPoor, deluded bastards… They just can’t accept the fact that this is
\nit, this is all there is to life, and it sucks. And, there are no refunds
\nor exchanges…<\/p>\n
Death Sucks Even More
\n^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^<\/p>\n
\tBy now, I’ve probably depressed you to the point of considering
\nsuicide… Well, don’t do it, because death sucks even worse than life.
\nAt least while you are alive, you’ve got a chance (however slim) of having
\nsomething good happen to you. But, when you are dead, you are… well,
\ndead… Nothing good will happen to you, in fact NOTHING at all will
\nhappen to you; or, if it does, you won’t know about it. You are just
\nburied in the ground to rot, and become food for various creatures. Not
\na fun thing to have happen to you. So, my advice is just to learn to
\ndeal with the suckiness of life, and hope you have a high UEF…<\/p>\n
Is There Anything That Doesn’t Suck?
\n^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^<\/p>\n
\tNot too damn much… But, there are a few things in this life
\nwhich actually are good. Among them are: Internet, computers, and
\nQuartzers\/Prismers\/Sunseters… Now, I’m sure many of you have had bad
\nand Sucky experiences with some of the above, but those things are not
\nthe cause of the Suckiness, but rather it is just life’s Suckiness which
\nis causing them to malfuntion. (Note: There are exceptions to this rule.
\nAmong those exceptions are Macintoshes, Toilet Bowl, and Bert.) But,
\nthere is little else in life that doesn’t suck…<\/p>\n
Conclusion
\n^^^^^^^^^^<\/p>\n
\tOk, you are most likely saying to yourself, “What a whining
\nimbecile. Big deal; what is he trying to prove?” Well, nothing, really.
\nI just wanted to bitch a little bit, and let the masses know how much
\nlife really does suck. Try to wake up the ignorant and\/or blind and\/or
\nbraindead optimists (I hear rumors that some of these still exist; it’s
\nsad, really). Life is not a fun experience, and should be avoided if at
\nall possible. However, if you are reading this, you are most likely
\nalready alive, and so Life is the lesser of two evils in that case. My
\nonly suggestion for dealing with Life is to go completely crazy every now
\nand then, whether you need to or not. This helps immensely, and can
\nprevent a complete, total, and permanent loss of sanity at a later date.
\nOther than that, just shut up and deal with it… And, always know that
\nno matter how bad your life is, at least you aren’t me…<\/p>\n
—————————————————————————-<\/p>\n
Appendix
\n========<\/p>\n
Hepzibah’s Sewer Rat Doctrines
\n^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^<\/p>\n
\tI owe much of my philosophy to Hep’s Sewer Rat Doctrines, and
\nso I include them here for the reader’s enjoyment and enlightenment…<\/p>\n
++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Begin Quoted Text +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++<\/p>\n
Thu Oct 22 21:54:07 1992 from Hepzibah
\nwell. as some of you know, I am renowned through the internet for my way with
\nwords. (not spelling them, but for linking them in a charming intelligent
\nmanner)<\/p>\n
many of you may have seen the evolution of “…sucks dead sewer rats”
\n(c) Hepzibah 1991,1992. FreeWords with proper acknowledgement. into a more
\ncomplex phrasing such as todays version:<\/p>\n
“it sucks wild wet siberian sewer rats with amex cards.”<\/p>\n
What follows is a brief group of adjectives that could be used in place of the
\nvarious adjectives (and adjectival phrases), or in conjunction with the ones
\nabove. The more adjectives the greater the sucking.<\/p>\n
red headed \tpoodle-skirt wearing \tElvis-impersonating \tVegetarian
\nToga-clad \tself-confident \tPocket Protector wearing
\nHep-Quoting \tRumabing \tGlove-keeping \tBig-footed
\nblack-toed\tcross-dressing \tgolden-locked \t\tMonarchist
\ngaudy\t\tangst-ridden\t\tpostage pre-paid\tevildoing
\ndelusional\tdeathly ill\t\tjingoistic\t\tOrthodox
\nReaganesque\tlithe\t\t\tmarxist\t\t\tMerovingian
\n—
\nfrom Amherst\tfrom Hell\t\tin spandex\t\twith PhDs
\nin Operas\tlike nobody’s business\tfourfold\t\ton Mars
\n—<\/p>\n
\tthere are of course many more, but you get the idea
\nBLATANT PLUG: Use em! Use em! They are GUARENTEED to get people talking
\nabout YOU. Papers! Theses! Exams! In Class! To your Parents! To my parents!
\nIn a store! In the paper! On-line! To your friends! To your enemies!<\/p>\n
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ End Quoted Text +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++<\/p>\n
\tSimply amazing, isn’t it? Is it any wonder why Hepzibah was
\nvoted Best Internet TeleCommunications Historian, as well as Magnanimous
\nEnlightened Above Normal Internet Educator, and Internet’s Amazing Most
\nDauntingly Erudite and Adept Demigod (narrowly beating the only other
\nnominee: Harriet)? \ud83d\ude09<\/p>\n
\tI hope you have enjoyed this book, and will send me tons of
\nmoney, and that a beautiful naked woman covered with… *ahem* Nevermind
\nthat… Always remember: Life Sucks!<\/p>\n
||======================================================================||
\n|| Robert A. Seace || Senior at UNH || E-mail: ras@kepler.unh.edu ||
\n|| AKA: Agrajag || CS major || ||
\n||======================================================================||
\n“No, no, Marvin, that’s just fine, really…just part of life.” “Life, don’t
\n talk to me about life.” – The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy<\/p>\n
